Something Im Struggling With
Ive realised lately that Im almost afraid of being healthy. Of what that could mean in time wasted and money and energy given over to this journey to find out once and for all what is wrong with my body. I’ve been having this feeling, on good days especially, where i feel like i must be an imposter. I feel like Im wasting all of this effort going to doctors telling them these things that are happening only for them to tell me im fine and nothings wrong.
Im scared that if this is what health is, this stumbling, pained and numb, vomiting, passing out mess, that I wont be able to do the things i want in life. I cant eat the foods I enjoy without spending hours afterwards throwing up my guts in the bathroom and Im a liability when out with friends, a trip hazard on flat surfaces let alone on a hike or the stairs. Im tired and Im afraid because if this is health then there is no help, no medicine and no cure coming to save me. If this is health it should be so much more.
So on good days when I’m scared that it’s all in my head and that i was never sick to begin with, I remind myself of the bad days. Because as much as I wish i could be healthy, i just cant bring myself to accept that this is my new normal and that the daily fights i have with my body are the standard of health.
I know this probably sounds crazy but i hope someone out there can relate.
