#chronically ill queer

[joyful-witch]

Being a music major is so weird bro what do you MEAN I don’t have half of my classes because our director is out of state taking an exam for his doctorate and my clarinet professor might have Covid.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I have Friday off but I have to stay here because the marching band festival is this weekend.

I have nothing to do I’m going insane.

My addiction to clarinet is getting stronger by the hour and I fear I may join orchestra just because I love playing my instrument so much… but my health issues may make another ensemble difficult… but more clarinet time sounds appealing…

My therapist says I cannot date right now because of my trauma… but maybe that’s a good thing seeing as the true love of my life will always be clarinet…

I’m normally so busy not having many classes this week is legit driving me crazy. I fear I may get lost in the sauce if this goes on much longer.

[acethetically--pleasing]

When gay in Wales

[joyful-witch]

Here I am. Doing a face reveal on the internet. Oh boy. Well.

I refuse to stand down. I refuse to be silent. Chronically ill and disabled queer voices deserve to be heard. I deserve to be heard.

It’s honestly funny. I did a tarot reading this morning and I was confused. I got the moon, the page of swords, and the three of swords. Now I understand.

[joyful-witch]

Mom bought me this cool clarinet stand thingy for my birthday to help my fingers work better. I sometimes have issues with it because of my EDS. Been wearing finger braces lately because of the joint issues. I use a neck strap and it’s pretty helpful but it’s always good to have options.

[joyful-witch]

Vent post about having guilt as an older sibling if you don’t wanna read then scroll.

Going back to school in a week. I miss my queer weirdo friends and am so excited to see them but feel immense guilt I won’t have as much time to play video games with my little brother.

Because my university is 45 minutes away I have the privilege of coming home every weekend. So we will still have weekends. But because this is like, the first summer since starting university where I haven’t been horribly ill (battled a 2 year long chronic staph infection, almost died of MRSA, then had to get a spine surgery to get rid of the infection and had to recover from that) we’ve spent much more time playing video games together and just spending more time together in general.

My brother and I are 12 years apart, so I have played a pretty large role in raising him. My brother and I are both autistic. And his best friend is too. And the worst part about this year is due to redistricting, his best friend has to go to a different school. And like. I want to be here for him and help him adjust but I’ll only be here on the weekends and it’s sucks.

I feel so much guilt even though our parents are the best any disabled kid could ask for, they are great fro advocating for him and for helping him and embracing his autism. But my little bro and I have similar interest and we connect on a different level. And I feel awful for leaving at a time where he needs that connection and friendship, when his best friend won’t be at school with him anymore.

But I know I have to get this degree. I have to. There aren’t really other jobs out there for me, as someone who is disabled and chronically ill, for one. Plus, if I want there to be change in the school system I need to make it myself. My dream is to make music education more accessible, both for kids like my brother, as well as physically disabled students like myself. I want to combine music education and special education, and completely refurbish the curriculum. And I need this degree to do that.

But gods, it’s so hard emotionally to do this. I love this kid more than life itself. He means the world to me. Leaving him is the hardest thing I have to do every year, but it’s especially hard this year.

Why is being an older sibling so hardddd.

I hate being an adult with adult responsibilities.

[joyful-witch]

I’ve been thinking long and hard what post I should post in celebration of pride month. It’s hard to just say “Happy Pride!” When for so many, it isn’t happy. So many people (some of them people I know), are losing their homes, losing their healthcare, losing everything, because legislators don’t want them to be alive.

Our country is currently undergoing a trans genocide. In many states, it is on stage 8 of the 10 stages of genocide, the only stages left being extermination and denial. Being in Illinois, I am safe. But so many of my friends, and other queer people are not. I know many friends who are currently fleeing states like Missouri and Indiana because they’re worried those states will turn into Florida. They’re worried about their kids being taken away, their access to healthcare will be taken away, their lives will be taken away.

I am privileged. I have supportive parents, and a great support system in general. But people I love and care about are in danger. And if we let this continue…they will come for us. We need to keep in mind, that in the upcoming elections, those of you who are not queer, will be responsible, if you vote red, blood will be on your hands.

This year I have had to talk multiple friends off the ledge. And I know if we weren’t in Illinois, if the same legislation that’s in Florida, had made it’s way here, they would not be alive today.

This pride month we also need to think about safety. Many hate groups are getting braver. They’re getting more persistent. And even if you think you live in a safe area, there is still a possibility they will show up. So please, travel in groups, and always have an escape plan.

I personally, will not be going to any pride events this year. Not because I don’t want to, I would love to. But because I have to worry about my safety. I am disabled. I cannot run. If anything were to happen, I would likely be one of the first to die. And it really sucks, that I have to think about this, instead of getting to enjoy celebrating who I am, with the rest of my people. But that is just the state of this country.

To those of you who follow the right wing ideology, those of you that choose money over our right to live, those of you who believe you are being righteous despite the fact that you have literal nazis who agree with you:

As a trusted friend of mine once said. Your hate signs our suicide notes.

And your hate signs our death certificates.

To my friends, family, fellow queers, and Allies:

I love you all, so so much. And I hope you all stay safe this pride month.

Remember, we are stronger together. And we must continue to fight together. We will not give up. We will not let them win. We will not let them exterminate us.

Happy pride month <3

[joyful-witch]

Here’s a little life update for everyone (ft. Cosplay prop reveal and new hair reveal).

Spine surgery number 2 is tomorrow. That’s fun (it’s not I do not want to deal with this). Hopefully after this I will no longer be dealing with a chronic infection all the time. Probably will be offline for a day or two, just until the anesthesia wears off. Hope they don’t have to give me a wound vac but we’ll see.

Other than that nothing else crazy really is going on. I finished my first ever cosplay prop, Amity Blight’s Palisman, Ghost! I love her very much. Special thanks to my friend Devin for 3D printing her and special thanks to my wonderful wife @cheri666 for putting up with the multi day adventure of putting her together and painting her lmao.

I was gonna get in full cosplay today but I didn’t feel like trying to get eyeliner off a day before surgery. So instead I’m just wearing a casual, Amity themed outfit. Honestly might use it for a closet cos in the future. Still trying to figure out how I’m gonna do the future Amity wig. But that’s a problem for future me.

I also cut my hair. For spoon conservation but also cus my goal is once it grows out a little more, I can look like Kit Tanthalos. My goal is to become a sword lesbian. Swords are hot. And so are women.

Anyhow, enough rambling. I shall return, hopefully healthier than before. Wish your friendly neighborhood gender gremlin good luck. I’m gonna need it.

(I will be posting doggo pictures throughout the summer and fall. Just gotta get through this first. Then once I’m recovering I will be spending tons of time with them lol and will be posting about them constantly probably)

Also happy Ehlers Danlos awareness month to me lol

Here’s some more pics

[joyful-witch]

Just bought tickets to go see Maddie Zahm.

There’s something so uncanny about finally getting to do something normal for the first time since my health has worsened. Like sure I’m gonna spend half the concert crying and we won’t get back home until 2AM.

But this is a normal person thing to do. And I get to do it. And I. It’s just so nice. Sure I’ll have ADA seating but it will still be a normal event! And I will be doing something normal and not be completely held back because my body is mean to me!

Her music has helped me a lot. Both with being queer, figuring out I was a lesbian, relating due to religious trauma, and just my general hatred for my body. I used to hate my body for how I looked but like in her song “you might not like her” I like the body I live in. I do still need to learn to love the body I live in. But that will come with time. It is very hard to love a body that doesn’t like me very much and puts me through constant chronic pain. But we’re working on it. We’ll get there.

I’m so excited to see her show in person. And finally get to do something I want to and not be stopped because of my body. Thank you for this amazing opportunity Maddie <3

Special thanks to my bestie who agreed to go with me and drive us there because I’m not allowed to drive right now (leg spasms). Love you bestie <3