Hey lovely, hum, well, if it takes your fancy, imagine, if you will, Lewis hiring the Jack in the Box mascot for the fair cause the clown the year before was horrible, right?
Well turns out he's not a clown anymore, cause Lewis is so old he remembers Jack Box being a clown but we all know that now he's just a man with a jack in the box head, and he's an asshole cause he's a CEO, and he's being super rude to Jas who just wants a balloon animal.
Anyway, can you get Jack Box to completely destroy Shane's face in a vicious fight? Cause you know he would defend Jas obviously.
But Jack Box is jacked, he'd remove his suit jacket and roll his shirt's sleeves yaknow.
Black eye, split lip, that sorta thing ....
Shane does get a hug from Jas at the end.
See the vision?..................
Hello my queen! Ok, sick, let's get insane with it shall we? Oh Jack my beloved Jack, time to make you an asshole.
Jack wears a permanent grimace as he walks through the plaza, loudly making a call to his assistant that she must have messed something up because this is not the networking event he was promised. There are farm animals here! Stinking up the place! And townspeople that don’t smell much better.
They start to stare at this weird clown-looking man making a scene. Some wonder if maybe this is a sort of performance??
Lewis introduces him as the clown he hired, which eases some confusion. Definitely a performance then. Bit of a weird choice, but more entertaining than last year’s clown. Maybe he’s one of those that roasts people.
Shane in particular thinks the comment about everyone smelling is hilarious, and elbows Marnie about it. He can’t wait to see everyone get roasted.
Jack continues with his phone call until he feels a tapping on his leg and looks down.
Oh no. It’s a child.
If it’s possible his grimace deepens in disgust. “What?” he snaps.
The child waves with a limp hand and stammers, “D-do you do balloon animals?”
“Hold on Donna there’s a child speaking to me,” he says into his phone before focusing on Jas again. “Kid, I can’t even begin to tell you how fucked up it is that you just asked a clown if he does balloon animals. So instead I’m just gonna say scram,” he growls, and Jas jumps back terrified.
Anyone who knows Jas knows how much bravery it took to approach the clown on her own, so they’re all appalled as she bursts into tears. (Including and especially, Shane.)
“Oh of course, here come the waterworks,” Jack grumbles and then calls out, “Can someone come get their brat?”
“What the hell was that?!” Shane shouts, looking between the clown and the mayor as Marnie scoops up an inconsolable Jas.
“I’m sure there’s been some kind of misunderstanding,” Lewis starts.
Jack huffs in frustration at all the raised voices and jabs at his phone screen to hang up. “No, yeah, fuck my phone call, that’s fine.”
Shane steps up to the clown, seething. “The hell kind of clown are you?”
Jack looks down at the disheveled man before him and raises a blue penciled eyebrow unflinchingly. “The kind that could kick your ass, so back up.”
Shane was used to getting into scraps. Even with guys bigger than him, because they often didn’t have the balls or training to really do much damage and mostly relied on intimidation.
This freak in his fancy suit is surely bluffing.
“Try me, asshole,” Shane grits, tightly closing his fists at his sides.
Jack laughs as Lewis weakly objects. Trying to get them to stop, trying to get onlookers to move on.
The clown calmly puts away his phone… and tears off the sleeves of his jacket to reveal the muscled arms of a boxer.
Shane fucked up. But he’s no quitter, especially when it comes to Jas.
Smiling for the first time since he entered town, Jack wastes no time in throwing a jab at Shane’s face.
Shane manages to block some of it with his arm but his ear is left ringing. He backs up, tries to shake it off and focus.
Due to his height there’s no way to get this guy without going in close and, unfortunately, getting hit in the process. Shane protects his head and ducks in, managing a blow to Jack’s chest as he gets him in the shoulder.
“Oof, good one,” Jack teases.
He’s having too much fun with this.
Shane growls and goes for the same move again.
Pain explodes in his jaw and then the world is flipped upside-down. He’s falling, and then the pain bursts in the back of his head and back as he hits the ground hard.
Jack sneers at the man now on the floor, then turns to Lewis. “I’ll send you the bill for my jacket. It’s Armani.”
Lewis gapes at him, too stunned to speak. Marnie shouts for Shane and runs back with Jas as the horrible clown walks away from the mess he caused.
Shane’s jaw is already bruising. There’s a trickle of bloody saliva stringing from his mouth. But he’s groaning, so at least he’s somewhat conscious.
He turns on his side and spits. “Fuck, gonna feel that in the mornin’” he slurs before slowly sitting up.
“Shane!” Jas cries and threw herself around his neck. “You’re hurt!”
“Tha’s okay. No one gets to be mean to you.”
Is it bad that I still find Jack hot 😅
I had him rip the arms of his jacket off because I have a distinct image of him with ripped off sleeves in a commercial at some point, no one correct me if I'm wrong. Anyway I love unhinged shit ty for the ask ♥️
Just finished my full comment bingo card for @fanartfrenzy 2026! Thank you for the prompts! I ended up reading a bit more than 25 fics this month and had a fun time figuring out some of the more challenging ones and even managed to be the first commenter for a good handful. Fic list and fandom list beneath the cut (with links to the fics).
Comment mentions opening scene:
Winter's Tenants by angstywitch
Fandom: Stardew Valley
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/77047521
Most recent fandom:
please leave a message by Ravenesta
Fandom: Heated Rivalry
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/76008221
Ship with <100 works:
you think you know (you don't know) by sarsaparillia
Fandom: Stardew Valley
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29102691
Fic that's 3 years old:
Strictly Business by DownOnThePharm
Fandom: Stardew ValleyLink: https://archiveofourown.org/works/44937439
Dead fandom:
Big Brother Hal Explains it All by hoc_et_quod
Fandom: Green Lantern: The Animated Series
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/708720/chapters/1309443
First fandom:
5 Times Martin Thought The Abbey Wouldn’t Work (+1 Time He Did) by imaginary_golux
Fandom: Redwall
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4283859
Fic with <500 hits: (I read two for this prompt)
Comeuppance by sunflower_me
Fandom: Commerciala
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/202863476
Agroforestry by RooksCase
Fandom: Stardew Valley
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/173110909
Genfic:
Old Great-Uncle Had a Farm by indieneedssickfics
Fandoms: Stardew Valley, The Magnus Archives
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29718417/chapters/73087212
Fic that features an OC:
We Didn't Start The Fire by ohhgingersnaps
Fandom: Stardew Valley
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/41993286/chapters/105425472
AU fic:
Overcoming by purefoysgirl
Fandom: Hannibal (TV)
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10024469/chapters/22345538
Fandom with <300 works:
A Dish Best Served Crazy by Oddshro0m
Fandom: Don't Eat the Cashier!
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/75842881
Save-for-later list:
Mike's Way by Oddshro0m
Fandom: Commerciala
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/77842716
Free:
a light hidden and singing by occultings (microcomets)
Fandoms: MDZS, The Untamed
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34011541/chapters/84594145
Ship with <50 works:
Spilling Secrets by Annetastic
Fandom: Stardew Valley
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/78302776
Fic by a friend:
Truly, Madly, Creepy by Oddshro0m
Fandom: Don't Eat the Cashier!
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/73293946/chapters/191037421
Fic posted in the past 30 days:
Muse / Watch by HullyGee
Fandom: Stardew Valley
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/197732471
Fic with <10k words:
tie a knife with a ribbon by iliacquer
Fandoms: MDZS, The Untamed
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25172014
Fic with <50 comments:
Am I More Than You Bargained For Yet? by ohhgingersnaps
Fandoms: Stardew Valley, Original Fiction
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/48001741/chapters/121031209
Fic with <200 hits:
Some Other Beginning's End by Annetastic
Fandom: Stardew Valley
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/166940380
Fic posted on your birthday:
Save Her by frostladyx
Fandom: Stardew Valley
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/67346419
Fic with <20 comments:
Warm Sanctuary by sunflower_me
Fandom: Commerciala
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/196263611
Fic with <5 kudos: (at the time of reading)
Elliott, Shane, and the Void Egg by Trans_Nerd
Fandom: Stardew Valley
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/76961901
Fic that's 5 years old:
Haley and Abigail Test A Theory by lady_nightengale
Fandom: Stardew Valley
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22849981
Fic with your favorite artist's song lyrics as a title:
Weaker Souls Will Not Escape by Hecate
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/133284742
Fic with <5 bookmarks:
Shooting Star by A_little_snail
Fandom: Stardew Valley
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/78414506
Blowing Smoke: On My Knees for the Sexy Cigarette-Smoking Camel
Pure unadulterated crackfic by Oddshro0m
Inspired by the work of @lily-alphonse
Explicit
Fandoms: Stardew Valley (Video Game), Camel Cigarette "Joe Camel" Advertisement
Relationships: Sebastian/Joe Camel
Tags: Casual Sex, Shotgunning, Smoking, Oral Fixation, Public Blow Jobs, Stranger Sex, Anthropomorphic, Inspired by Chuck Tingle, Alcohol, Cigarettes, Smoking Kink, Crack Crossover, Come Swallowing, the cum tastes like menthol, So Wrong It's Right, Author Is Sleep Deprived, The Author Regrets Nothing, no beta we die like sebastian's lungs
Summary: Sebastian's out of cigarettes, but Joe Camel is there to give him his fix-- and Sebastian gives him a whole lot more.
Excerpt:
His breath caught in his throat when the stranger entered the bar, so tall his caramel brown hair brushed the top of the door frame as he ducked inside. He recognized Joe Camel from the ads, and he always thought there was something oddly sexy about him, muscles stretching the fabric of his black t-shirt as the dromedary smoked his signature cigarette, eyes hidden behind his sunglasses. He was even hotter in person, sauntering up to the bar with an air of well-earned confidence and waving the bartender over with a casual flick of his wrist.
As the bartender set a glass of whiskey before him, he tapped a pack of smokes against the heel of his hand, slid a thin cigarette into his lips and lit it. As he exhaled, flexing his lips to form rings in the smoke, he turned and lowered his sunglasses, his cool blue eyes locking in on where Sebastian sat. A thrill ran through him as the mascot caught him staring. His lips curled into a smile as he nodded— an invitation.
Sebastian slid out of the booth and sauntered over, drink in hand. "Mind if I join you?" The mascot gestured to the barstool, leaning back to assess him as he climbed onto it.
"I see you're a man of taste," he said, nodding toward Sebastian's drink. He raised his own glass and Sebastain clinked his against it with a coy smile. "You smoke?"
In reply, Sebastian pulled out his pack, only to discover it was empty save for a few flakes of tobacco in the bottom. He smoked his last one on the way over to the bar and completely forgot to get a new pack. He looked back up to Joe, a blush creeping into his cheeks. "Looks like I'm out."
Joe smiled, turning his cigarette around and holding the filter end out to Sebastian, who blushed even harder. "Have a puff off mine," he said, his voice as deep and smooth as smoke from a Camel cigarette.
WAIT WAIT HOLD ON. Did you say chef boyardee and The Menu in the same sentence?? And stardew? I'm sat.
I SURE DID! (thanks for the ask!)
So full disclosure, I have no snippets to share (yet) because I wanted to wait until I wrote (or at least drafted) the unhinged fic with Lucky first before I went down that rabbit hole. Also I've only eaten Chef Boyardee a handful of times in my life and haven't seen The Menu yet tho I know pretty much all of the spoilers and the general gist of the plot. Point being: This is one of those fics that I want to do decent research for in order to make the jokes land and I aintent done that yet.
General plot gist (behind readmore bc I know people follow me who haven't seen The Menu yet and might be spoiled):
Morris or another brandhuman/mascot invites Gus to an evening of fine dining on Chef Boyardee's private island.
I think I'm gonna skip the sex work backstory for the sake of word count, so maybe that also means whomever invited him didn't know what was going to go down.
Chef Boyardee presents the guests (people tied to the Chef Boyardee branding/cheapening of its ingredients and original flavors) with a series of courses based on his line of canned foods but made the way he originally intended them to be.
The courses get increasingly aggressive as Boyardee starts to crash out, especially after some of the guests are clued into this being a Last Supper of sorts.
When Gus realizes his goose is about to be cooked, he calls for help (from Willy? idk), and then makes a ploy for his life by asking Chef Boyardee to make something very simple with love i.e. like cacio e pepe or similar and then, of course, takes it to go.
Chef Boyardee ends the meal with a traditional Italian dessert (proving that he is more than shitty, mushy, oversalted pasta) that he uses to kill every one except Gus. Not sure what dessert tho. I might need to crowd source this.
{Ask me about one of the WIPs in my writing folder!}
A Midsummer Night's Dream, Shakespeare // Stardew Valley // Tam Lin, Francis James Child // Balint Miko (Unsplash) // "Cross Road Blues", Robert Johnson // Emily Wilde's Encyclopaedia of Faeries, Heather Fawcett // Aaron Burden (Unsplash) // "The Devil Went Down to Georgia", Charlie Daniels // Jessie McCall (Unsplash) // "Me and the Devil", Soap&Skin // Lucky Charms Advertisements // La Belle Dame Sans Merci, John Keats // Elly M (Unsplash) // Little Thieves, Margaret Owen // Yulia Gadalina (Unsplash) // Christian Holzing (Unsplash) // The Death of Chatterton, Henry Wallis // "The Devil & the Huntsman", Daniel Pemberton // Getty Images
