When I left the past behind...I left you behind too
Dead on main
Part 1 here Part 2 here
Jason was used to the bare minimum. He was used to having his needs dismissed, was used to having his pain dismissed, was used to being dismissed himself. Only his death was ever acknowledged.
His family had acknowledged his death, the devastation that it brought, but his pain? Jason himself? No. Was that not the reason why the memorial still stood tall even when he lived? Taller than Jason had ever stood in life? Why his death had more significance to the Bat-Family than Jason's return ever had? Jason's death had become more important, had more value, had more of an impact than his life had ever had. He was alive but it was his death that kept living on.
Jason knew that, but had refused to acknowledge it, in the hope that if he waited long enough, his family would have seen past what had happened, and finally see him. All of him. Scarred, broken, but healing. The dead didn't heal, they didn't move on (unless it was to the afterlife, something that had been stripped from Jason), didn't get the opportunity to rage or scream or plead. But Jason had, he had screamed, he had been his rage, and he had pleaded, and finally he was moving on, he was healing.
Healing was not a foreign notion to Jason, but usually the injury had not come so quietly, nor was the aftermath so...apathetic, resigned even. Usually, there was screaming, raging, hurling fists and sobbing-begging at times-but this time? With Alfred? It had only been a quiet acceptance. There had been no anger at the revelation, only a quiet defeat. An acknowledgment that all his previous efforts and struggles to be seen, to not be made a fool for hoping, to be loved as a son, were all in vain. There had been no anger, only a certainty that his death would long outlive even him. Even if Jason died a second time, his first death, the death of Robin, would be all that mattered.
After Nightwing had come to confront him and after Jason had said what had needed to be said, had smashed through those too high walls made of guilt and regret, Jason had never felt so...
Never before had Jason felt so...relieved. (Here he stood surrounded by destruction, and yet he had never felt more free. The aftermath of his death surrounded him and Jason had screamed 'I live, I'm alive, I will live' and never before had he screamed so loudly. Jason was alive and the living waited for no one, not even for those that had died.) Relieved that he didn't have to keep waiting. Relieved that he could finally move on. Jason didn't get the opportunity to move on in death, but he could in life. Relieved that he no longer had to be the fool waiting in vain, always waiting. No longer waiting. Only the dead had to wait. He could move on. Jason was not dead, he could move on.
Batman would not kill the Joker. He would forever mourn the Robin he was too late to save. Bruce could not love Jason as a son, he was still mourning the son he had lost. He too had idolized the past, (was stuck in it) he too loved a memory more than he did the Jason that now stood before him. But Jason was no longer willing to wait for Bruce to realize that. He was done. Jason was done waiting.
Screaming, yelling, begging, telling his family outright what he needed, telling them to stop mourning him, to stop idolizing the past-waiting-hadn't worked. So Jason had stopped.
Jason did what any living breathing person did and walked away from his grave. From all that reminded him of his death and demanded he stay as he was, forever frozen in time and left behind by the world of the living. (Yes, Jason had died, but he had clawed his way back to the world of the living and would be damned before anyone dragged him back.)
It had been the most freeing thing that Jason had ever done.
He was no longer being dragged into the past, was no longer the remnants of Robin, trapped in expectation of being someone else, of being someone who no longer existed. He was free to be Jason Peter Todd. Not Robin. Not Jason Peter Todd-Wayne. Not a soldier or an assassin or a Bat. Just Jason Peter Todd, the man who had become Red Hood. And Jason had learned that was more than enough, even if it would never be for Bruce or anyone else.
And Jason Peter Todd, the man who had become Red Hood, wasn't someone that needed approval for vengeance. He was just some poor street alley kid whose mother had died due to a drug overdose and whose father, who had fallen to a life a crime, had been nothing but abusive. A common story in Crime Alley. But hopefully, with Red Hood around, those common stories would become less common.
The Red Hood would be around to make sure no rogues took advantage of desperate people and roped them into their schemes, that the drugs that had taken his mother away from him would not be able to take another parent, and that the abusive scum that hit their wives and children had someone to answer to, had someone to put them in their place. Red Hood, a moniker for vengeance, would make sure that there would be consequences for messing with the people of Crime Alley.
And he had made this known.
Batman would not kill the Joker. But Red Hood would. (He was no longer waiting. Only the dead waited, Jason was not dead.) He would kill any rogue that stepped a single foot in Crime Alley. He would not ask questions, he would not wait for them to redeem themselves (After all, Jason was no longer waiting), he would not wait for them to kill anyone else or ruin anymore lives. He would kill them, point blank shoot them. This went for all rogues and their cronies, not just the Joker.
The Joker was not special, or different from the rest of the Arkham escapees. Not anymore. Jason had merely put him aside because of what he had represented-what him being alive had represented. After all, his need to see the Joker dead had never been about the Joker, it had only ever been about whether or not Bruce had cared enough to avenge him.
A faint scar crossing over his esophagus was answer enough, but Jason had always been a fool when it came to his heart. And his heart had always believed in second chances, hadn't it? He had had a second chance in life, why not in this?
But Jason was no longer waiting for vengeance. For someone Bruce to deem him worthy of vengeance. Never again would he wait. Never again would he wait for the people who didn't even care enough to take down that damn memorial now that he was alive or take down the damned soldier plaque when he had been dead. But then again, they weren't really mourning him, were they? And Robin had been a soldier, even if he had been dressed up in bright colors.
Jason was finally walking away (he had finally lost hope that they would see him), he had stopped waiting. There was nothing to wait for. Jason had been a fool to not have realized this before. His heart often made him a foolish man.
But still, he was foolish enough that he had felt a spark of hope flickering back to life when he his men had reported the sighting of Batman, Red Robin, and Robin on the outskirts of Crime Alley, reportedly waiting for him for the past 30 minutes. They had refused to relay any information to his men, claiming that they needed to talk to him personally. Perhaps, this time, it would be a matter of importance. It's hard to stop hoping, harder when you love them. A part of Jason would always love them, hope that they would see him. But that didn't mean Jason would wait. Jason was done waiting.
His feet landed with a crunch, a choice, since Red Hood could move silently if he wanted to, signaling his arrival.
"Batman." He greeted, tone monotone. Then, "Red Robin, Robin. What business brings you to my alley?"
Red Robin snorted, crossing his arms, "What? No 'Replacement'? Not even a lowly 'Demon Brat'?"
Robin sniffed, "Speak for yourself, peasant, I, for one, quite enjoy being addressed by my proper title."
Red Hood gave them both a cursory glance, not caring for their dispute, "I'm Red Hood, not Robin. You were Robin's replacement, not mine." Jason knew now that he could never be replaced, only a soldier could be replaced. Jason was not a soldier. He was not Robin, not anymore-not ever again.
Both boys stiffened, not on the surface, but Red Hood knew them enough, and was socially adept enough, to know that things had turned awkward. Batman's jaw had even tightened, almost imperceptibly, but Red Hood could care less, he simply repeated himself.
"What business brings you to my alley?" He didn't bother with pleasantries.
Coughing awkwardly, Red Robin stepped forth, "The Joker escaped from arkham a few days ago."
Of course...Of course it would be the Joker that drags the Bat out of his cave. Jason didn't know why he had even begun to hope otherwise. Always the Joker. Batman always chose the Joker. Jason didn't know why...Some things never changed. Bruce would always choose the Joker over Jason. For a second, Jason had hoped...
The first time Bruce comes to see him and it's not even about Jason, it's about the damn Joker.
The Joker may be dressed as a fool, but it was Jason that would always be the fool. But what would happen when Jason didn't want to be the fool anymore?
Jason was done waiting.
"Is that all?"
Red Robin faltered, "We just wanted to give you a heads up..."
"I watch the news." Jason turned to Batman, but the man stayed quiet, scrutinizing him. "If that is everything you wanted to say, I will be on my way. Next time, just leave a message with my men instead of wasting my time." He turned to grapple away.
But before he could, Batman finally spoke, "Will we have to worry about you going after the Joker?"
Mid grapple, Jason let his arm fall before slowly turning back around. Both Red Robin and Robin were tense, ready to spring into action despite what their relaxed forms would tell you, with Red Robin looking more than annoyed with Bruce's lack of diplomacy and Robin giving his father a look of disgust. Seems Jason wasn't the only one that was unappreciative of Bruce's blunt 'strategy'.
Jason waited for the usual anger, the green rage that usually clouded his vision whenever Batman started being a hypocrite, but none came forth. (Why would Jason care about the Joker when he had stopped waiting for Bruce to care about him?) Jason found that he could no longer scrounge up the energy to care about Batman's antiquated sense of morality. Not even a flash of disappointment surfaced, just a feeling of confirmation. Jason, truly, no longer had to wait anymore. Jason no longer cared to wait. And Jason was not dead, he did not have to wait.
"Just like any other rouge, the Joker will not have to worry about the Red Hood unless he steps foot in Crime Alley. I will not go out of my way to kill the Joker, so if you want to keep the Joker alive, keep him out of my Alley. The second he does is the second I put a bullet in between his eyes."
He stopped forward and both Robin and the previous Robin dropped into a fighting stance, wariness maring their features. "But let me make this clear, if the Joker somehow makes it into Crime Alley, that does not automatically give you permission to go chasing after him. Both you and the rogues you protect are not allowed in Crime Alley under any circumstances. Even in your civilian form, you are not welcomed."
Jason continued, tone dismissive and Jason truly felt apathetic (Was this what it felt like to no longer wait? It was the most free Jason had ever felt in a long time), "As far as I am concerned, you do not cancel each other out, you're just two sides of the same coin. You perpetuate the broken system and the rogues take advantage of it. You are not a symbol of justice merely morality that bends to the laws of man."
"Crime Alley has no use for Batman's inadequate sense of morality or his cauldron," Jason swung his gaze to Robin and Red Robin, "So stay out."
"You know the consequences if you do not."
Red Hood didn't wait for Batman's response, merely grappling away. (It'd probably be a grunt or something equally as unimportant or non-communicative, knowing him.)
Jason didn't know why he had even bothered to hope. Some things never changed. (Jason being a fool, or perhaps, his family turning him into a fool.)
Jason's past was one of those things that would not change, but thankfully, Jason himself was not set in stone. Jason knew he could change (Only the dead remained the same, and Jason was not dead. Wasn't that the whole reason why Jason no longer satisfied the Bats? Because he had changed too much for them?), and that he had-and was still changing. He was leaving the past behind and was finally finding peace in that notion, even if that meant he was leaving everyone else who was still stuck there still trying to save Robin, someone who didn't exist anymore and no longer needed saving.
Jason hoped, that someday, they'd be able to join him in the present, but until then, Jason had other things to get done. Crime Alley needed Red Hood, the moniker of vengeance, and Jason was no longer waiting for someone to understand that.
Jason, however, would wait for someone to love him. He would never stop waiting for that, because for some reason, Jason knew, at the very core of his being, that the man with green eyes was waiting for him, not in the past, but in the present, yearning and hoping as much as Jason was, to create a wonderful future together with him.
Jason just had to wait for him. Just not in the past (never in the past, never again), only in the present. Jason would wait for him while he took care of Crime Alley. For a man that could love Jason for who he was, could join him in the present, and wouldn't mind all of Jason's broken but slowly healing pieces.
Someone who wouldn't mind leaving the past behind in order to live in the present with Jason. Jason would wait for that. And that this time, he was sure, he would not be made a fool for waiting or hoping.
Continuous of 'If I could love you, I would (Soulfully, you know I would.)' and 'Would you love me as I am, not as you remember me?'
Part 4 here Part 5 here
Part 6 here Part 7 here
