#crazy-making

[mass-mind-control]

[synthetictelepathy]

[unillustratedadventures]

The Telltale Cycle, the ‘Crazy’ Exes, and the Crazy-making

Gwendolyn (Narcissism Recovery) talks about the narcissistic abuse cycle (idealise, devalue, discard), as well as a strong warning sign that the person you have just started dating is a narcissistic abuser—namely, his ‘crazy’ exes.

Be sure to take notice if you’ve just started to date a person, and he is slipping in comments that dismiss, degrade, or otherwise smear his ex (or exes). Especially take notice if he is characterising his ex (or exes) as worthless or crazy. Going to special effort to slip such comments into early conversations is slightly odd behaviour, but it is easy to ignore if you’re not on the lookout for it. Knowing the early warning signs of narcissistic abuse is imperative. Without this knowledge, it’s easy to fail to recognise that you’re currently being narcissistically idealised, and not being genuinely loved, or selflessly respected or admired, or what have you (depending on the type of relationship). If you are being narcissistically idealised, then knowing the signs might provide you with the certainty and strength to be able to see through the euphoria and the blinding effects of the love-bombing, which (by design) can be addictive and hard to turn away from. If you are being idealised, then the pleasure and the apparent profundity of the experience is setting you up, psychologically, for what could be the most painful and traumatic experience you’ve ever had.

Idealisation (by itself) is inherently narcissistic, insofar as it is all about the person who is doing the idealising, rather than the person who is being idealised. Unless the idealisation is a function of a deeper and more stable attachment, such as genuine romantic love, it is entirely a projection of how you are making the other person feel about himself, and how you are meeting whatever needs he happens to want you to fulfill. The empty idealiser is building you up, so that when you build him up (with compliments, praise, love, affection, etc.) it will have more of a positive impact on his ego.

However, because idealisation is entirely projective, it is not stable; it only appears to be attached to something stable; it only appears to be attached to who you are as a person. Empty idealisation inevitably gives way to devaluation. Sooner or later, the narcissistic abuser will get bored, or you will start to notice his inconsistencies and ask too many troublesome questions, or he will hurt you and you will look to him for accountability or reassurance. Whatever it is, there will be a point at which you stop being sufficiently useful to the abuser.

If someone is prone to projectively building you up in order to make him feel better about himself, then this same person will be just as prone to tearing you down for the same purpose. As soon as you stop being quite as much of a boost to the narcissistic abuser’s ego (you get to be too much effort, or you’re old news, or you’re trying to address interpersonal matters in a fair and even-handed way), his building you up will start to have the opposite effect on his ego. If you’re not presently building him up in an uncomplicated manner, then his building you up only lends credence to your perceived challenges or criticisms, and robs him of precious ego supply. He was only ever in it for the supply, and he only made all of those reassurances and proclamations and promises in order to secure that supply. So now, for the very same selfish purpose, he must treat you in an extremely opposite manner. In order to build himself up as much as possible, he now has to stop building you up, and start putting you down. He has to push you abruptly from the pedestal, and represent you as intrinsically bad, or otherwise someone not worth caring about; someone whose thoughts and feelings don’t matter. Eventually, the narcissistic abuser will simply discard you like trash, and look elsewhere for his ego fix.

People narcissistically abuse because they will do whatever it takes to build themselves up and feel better about themselves, and whatever it takes to avoid perceived criticism, vulnerability, and feeling bad about themselves. To be willing to do whatever it takes towards these utterly selfish ends, one must be unable to afford empathy, and one must be willing to use and abuse others as though they are mere objects. When a narcissistic abuser discards you, it is because you are more trouble to his ego than you are worth (from his perspective). You are useless to him now; written off. He wants nothing to do with you. Since he will do anything to protect his ego, he must convince himself that you never meant anything to him; that you are worthless. He has to convince himself that he has not really caused you any pain, despite appearances to the contrary; or he must convince himself that you deserved the pain that he has caused you; or that your reactions are melodramatic and attention-seeking and ridiculous (or just crazy), rather than reflecting the true extent of the damage he has done. Ironically, it is exactly this sort of distorting, denying, manipulative behaviour that is aptly described as ‘crazy-making’.

Post-discard, then, the narcissistic abuser will project and blame-shift. He will demonise you and attempt to discredit you. His narcissistic drives mean that he has a vested interest in convincing himself, others, and even you (if he can) that you are crazy, worthless, or despicable; perhaps even abusive.

When you first start to date someone who is narcissistically driven in this way, you might glimpse the person’s narcissistic drives from the other side of the cycle; i.e. from within the initial idealisation phase. The problem is that from this early perspective, a person’s narcissistic drives are very easy to overlook. One way to recognise them is to notice that the other person seems compelled to devalue and dismiss his exes, or is playing the victim with respect to his exes in an inappropriate or overly emphatic manner. If you spot a drive of this nature when you start dating someone (i.e. if you notice what seems like a strange motivation to convince you to adopt an entirely negative view about exes, especially if they’re people you don’t know very well), then be extremely careful. A volunteered history of ‘crazy’ exes is a huge red flag for extreme narcissism. The person you are falling for could well be a narcissistic abuser, who has already begun to manipulate you, and feed you half-truths (if not outright lies). He might be planning to use you next, in order to obtain his precious narcissistic supply. He might be saying extremely intense and loving things, but try not to let this lure you in, as tempting as it no doubt is. A narcissistic abuser will drop this convincing (albeit shallow) facade in a flash, as soon as he gets bored of you, or as soon as you start to introduce reality into his fragile system of denial. And then he might actively try to destroy you, or simply discard you as though you are a meaningless object. In your ensuing shock, anguish, and panic, you will be easily cast as his latest ‘crazy’ ex.

[synthetictelepathy]

Clairaudience & "Electronic Possession"

Sometimes I get so caught up in trying to make sense of things that it detracts from my ability to function/focus on normal things like I used to. The part that is most perplexing & the reason I keep trying to speculate, is that I know that the majority of what I'm experiencing is NOT "just in my head," as a lot of online and real-life trolls would love for me to believe.

[nomadic-egg]

If lovin' me is work, I'm not a job to take I think we're headin' for the crazy-making heartbreak

[persepinesascent]

Tagged by @ghastlyremnants and now I feel like a real tumblgrl :)

Rules: Answer the questions in a new post and tag some blogs you would like to get to know better.

Nickname: Mar. Though in 9th grade my bestie called me Desi for a spell because persephone->percent->decimal->Desi

Star Sign: Scorpio

Height: 5'6" or maybe 5'5" now…

Time right now: 9:49 PM and I should be packing…

Last thing you googled: “how many ounces of liquid can I have in my toiletries to take on the plane” (I was speaking to Ms. Google voice. Good news: I can bring important hair products.)

Favorite music artist: So many… Fiona Apple and JS Bach are at the top

Song stuck in your head: I was just singing whatever silly early 90s dance ballad the super loud motorcycles drove by here blasting a minute ago. Thank goodness it’s left my brain now.

Last movie you watched: I watched Blue Crush AND The Blindside on TV last weekend because Single Girl Weekend! (I never watch movies)

Last TV show you watched: Once Upon a Time season finale

What are you wearing right now: gray gym/sweat pants and long sleeved BalletX 10th anniversary thermal-type shirt and super soft white socks with pink, blue, red, and green stripes and the stickies falling off the bottom. And undergarments

When did you create your blog: Hmm, 2012? I had a UJOURNAL before Livejournal. Probably started that by 2002. Always persepine.

What kind of stuff do you post: Pretty much what it says in the description, but with a lot more miserable complaining and more EDS chronic illness shit than ED/trauma recovery shit these days. But mostly cats. And rants.

Do you have other blogs: My livejournal is still out there, but it’s been abandoned since 2012. It’s pretty fucking dark though. Basically the Sick Chronicles.

Do you get asks on a regular basis: haha, no. I basically don’t exist on tumblr and I’m fine with that.

Why did you choose your Url: it’s me! I’ve had that screenname since 2000, baby!

I tag @soullikethesea, @bttrflywings @imapickernomore, @many-paths-to–tread, @crazy-making , @shine-brighter-little-fighter and anyone else wearing comfy socks

[theaeolianharpist]

Three things

I was tagged by @the-chill-intent to list three things I am grateful for, three things I will do today, and three things I like about myself.

Things I am grateful for: My job, which is interesting, satisfying, and orders of magnitude less debilitatingly stressful than school, my incredibly supportive family and friends, and my two roommates and their respective cats 😻

Things I will do today: Create an email folder for customer #3, respond to an issue from customer #2, and practice the violin 🎻

Things I like about myself: Hmmmmmm… I suppose I have to answer? Then I’ll go with my ability to listen, my patience in troubleshooting/debugging issues that I find interesting, and my sarcasm 😉

I tag @apoptotic-mal, @crazy-making, @this-goes-on 💛💙💜