#curefa

[chicanayr]

Craving Acceptance

I want someone to love me for me

I’m exhausted of being rejected for something I can’t control

why do I even keep trying?

why can’t I be accepted?

although, I can’t blame them

for, I haven’t accepted myself yet

how could I?

how do I accept my body betraying me

i fucking can’t

16 fucking years

and I’m just living with my retarded body

it’s not orthodox

I know other people who’ve had no problem accepting this horror

why the fuck is it so hard for me?

I guess, I’m only a bothersome burden

in all reality, I’m not worth loving

people say "you’re supposed to love yourself first"

but how do I love something I hate?

with a lump in my throat, I fucking ask you how?

a helpless, gross, futile thing deserves only neglect

as much as it burns my chest

yet, my goddamn heart believes otherwise

the war between my heart and brain is a real issue

i wish my heart would be cut out

it brings a sting I just want to throw up

i don’t know how to get rid of this pique

I tried numbing the cramps in my heart but it doesn’t last

it hurts too redundantly

i merely crave the acceptance I can’t give myself

[chicanayr]

Say you went to the doctor and you were diagnosed with a muscle condition that gets worse over time. You are going to have it for the rest of your life. You are also told that you will require a walking device or wheelchair in a matter of 5 to 7 years after your diagnosis. Then you were told there is no cure or set treatment, just the ability to manage the symptoms that may come along with it. You were also told that the only thing that can help slow progression is physical activity. The repetitive phrase between you and your main neurologist is, “if you don’t use it you lose it.” Meaning, if you don’t use a certain muscle for a while, your body will most likely forget how to use it in a matter of months or any long period of time without any practice. Same for walking and most other major movements.

What would be your reaction? How would you cope? Would you stay positive? Would you feel envious, seeing people enjoy what you can’t? Would you want to go out? Would you be anxiety and depression free? What could other people do to help you emotionally? (Btw I have already been told "I would of killed myself so)

[chicanayr]

Dating apps are quite the humbling experience. It’s crazy how you can establish a connection and have good conversation but once I mention anything about being ill, it’s game over.

This happens all the time and at first it didn’t phase me. It’s just really disheartening to see how people view me after finding out I need a wheelchair to get around

[chicanayr]

I think I’m doing fine most of the time

[chicanayr]

Why don’t you recognize that I’m so rare?

[chicanayr]

Yeah I’m disabled

Yeah I drink like a mofo

[chicanayr]

At 7pm today

Cure FA Soiree

[chicanayr]

The harsh reality of the current world climate is I’ve realised my ‘normal’ lifestyle is quarantine.

It’s really unnerving.

I usually only get to go out once a week or once every two weeks, sometimes that’s because it’s a doctors visit.

Cons were my big events for the year.

Unfortunately I think this is very common for people with disabilities. (I don’t want to speak for everyone of course)

But it’s hard to go out, I have to plan more, it takes longer, how bad is my fatigue, if there’s a time limit, I don’t want to rush or hold anyone up.

I can’t just hop in the car and go to the shops or see a friend. I don’t drive.

It’s difficult for friends to take me out because I have to rely on them to help.

It’s shitty because I feel like a burden or will cancel because it’s too hard and I don’t want to ruin it for others.

My point is that this further isolation quarantine has caused me to reflect and regret a little.

Why do I see myself as a burden?

I’m not looking for sympathy or pity.

It’s just a simple question, why do we do this to ourselves?