My Father
On days like today, I look at my family and see only a facade.
A mother, completely ruined by years of fighting to keep her family together but still trying to show her family all the love she can, even as she resorts to fighting back. A father, psychologically damaged and never showing love to anybody unless he's forced. Child #2 with untold anger issues from being the victim of a broken house.
And then there's me. Anxiety, depression, a fear of men who are stronger than I am, and constantly fighting with my parents until I break down.
But those are not the problems I need to address in this post.
Imagine being a young teenage Ellsie, and your dad has given you his old MacBook. He has wiped most of his old data off of it but left it hooked up to his Hotmail inbox because he's used to you clearing out his unwanted emails.
This is what my dad did in February.
I thought it was all fun and games, I would transfer over all my pictures from my phone and download all of the tv shows I wanted to. And like I said, I always kept his inbox clean.
This was a very symbiotic relationship until this morning.
Like a normal teen, I turned on my Netflix and put on an episode of Dexter, before pulling up the email app to get rid of all of the junk mail in dad's inbox.
And right there, in the first email slot, it said 'You have a new admirer, check her out to see if you're interested!'
My father, a married man of 40, is trying to cheat on my mother, a sweet, beautiful woman of age 37, by using a dating site. He is not perfect, I know that, but the panic I felt when I saw the email was immediate. My heart broke, and it is not even me who might be being cheated on.
To make matters worse, one of his encounters with a person from the site involved him and my friend. This friend is 15, and she should not be anywhere near my father.
Now every email for a potential affair comes through my computer, and it horrifies me.
I will not tell my mom.
I cannot tell my mom.
I refuse to break my mom's heart.
These have been my mantra for the whole day. My mother is a sweet, loyal woman who has been nothing but good to my father. She has stayed with him through all of the shit he's pulled and intends to stay with him for her whole life.
That is what makes this whole thing even more concerning. She has been with my father for twenty years as of August 11th. Tomorrow. Twenty years...
I will not ruin this marriage.
...but I cannot help but feeling like I should tell somebody I know. somebody who could help. I don't like the feeling of trying to bury my dad's secret in order to protect my family.
My only job now is to keep this secret hidden away from people I know in reality.
-Ellsie 8/10/16
