Just some cuddling with the boys, headcanons maybe & co. I'm just dipping my claws in the water here so don't expect too much since its been a few years since I last wrote anything really ^^"
Also feel free to send me ideas or requests, I have a hard time coming up ideas to write for (which will be probably a bit obvious, sorry) but have fun reading, reblogs & likes are appreciated
- His arms wrap around your waist, they fit perfectly around you as he pulls you closer letting your head rest on his soft, warm chest. Not to mentione that if you're still cold or need something weighted he will gladly share his jacket with you that smells like Vanilla & Tasslehounds
- I headcanon that the Jacket he wears is weighted like a weighted blanket, which can help with his Anxiety
- Once you got all cozy he will tell you about his day, be it the chaos his/the other residents critters have caused while under his care or what new stray he had found. And of course he listens to what you have to share, laughing, nodding along & hugging you when it was an especially hard/overwhelming day. Blocking out all the stress for the time being, letting you be pulled into a wall of pure comfort & safety
- His Critter family is of course, also here in the room, you can't keep them away from you guys. Stitch & Davi sleep at your feet, curled up against each other while Sprite lays on top of Mateos head
🪲☣ Daemon ☣🪲
- Seeing as he is a Game Bug, he hasn't experienced a lot besides breaking a few game scenes and trying to scare you, so when you offered to cuddle with him, he simply just said "sure" and went along with it, not expecting much
- But the second you cuddled up to him on the bed you realized quickly that he was quiet stiff, laying straight on the bed staring up at the ceiling. He wasn't quiet sure what to do seeing as the scrapped files didn't have cuddling codes, so you would need to lend a hand...or two...
- But once he got it down, it was the strangest yet comfiest cuddle session you ever had. Sometimes besides the arms around you midsection you would feel other arms carassing you, massaging your shoulders as you felt his lips on your neck, forehead and back even though he was facing you, never daring to look away from you
- He also produces a silent, whitenoise-humming sound, so if you ever have problems sleeping he's the man to go to...If you can ignore his glowing, white eyes that will stare at you the whole time
🎲 Chance 🎲
- Can be the little or big spoon, he's quiet happy with either or. As a little spoon he will talk about the characters he has for G&G, their storys, motivations, design ideas and so much more. While as a Big spoon he will tell you a story, whatever you want it can be adventurous, a horror story or just a fairytale so you can relax while he fills the silence
- He will always cuddle up to you, either burrying himself into your chest or shoulder or curling himself around you. Cocooning you into a save hold, legs drapped over yours as he rests his forehead against the back of your neck
- Makes the coolest pillowforts, the pillow walls are super sturdy somehow and he even got some fairy lights. Overtime he will build them out to a point where they basically become less of a pillowfort and more of a pillowcave with a secret back entrance & snack hoard
💨❄ Hector ❄💨
- Poor man will be too anxious to leave the attic at first, he showed himself to you and that did help with some of his self-esterm issues but not all of them. So you decided to build a little nest in the attic with him, so you could still get some cuddling experience with him
- He's a great cuddle buddy, he can change his body heat to whatever you desire which means even when it's in the middle of summer you can enjoy a good cuddle session in his arms without breaking a sweat
- He's a small spoon through and through, he curls up into a ball (much like a cat) and gets as close as he can without making you uncomfortable. He will also pull a blanket over himself to stay hidden because of his never ending reddening face [He will be gently teased about it by some of the others in the Attic]
👕🕸 Dirk/Clarence 🫧👕
- Dirk is a chaotic cuddler, he will drap his arm and head over your chest and use you like a cuddly bed plushy. He also sleeps without a shirt on so you can run your fingers across his back, admire the tattoos he has, draw shapes across his body that will have him teasingly ask you what you are doing. Though be warned he will retaliate if you do somehow find a ticklish spot on him, cuddle time can wait that man would be on a tickle war path
- Clarence on the other hand is a more neatly cuddler, he will pull you to his side and let you rest on his shoulder. On the otherside of you is of course the Batman Bodypillow, keeping your back protected from not only the cold but also nightmares [Acording to him at least]
- Dirk always brings a plushy around that you had washed once but never got back, you thought you lost it somehwhere but nope he simply "borrrowed" it and then hid it behind Washford whenever you came around. It was one item that brought him comfort after he and Harper had a rough fight, the lil' guy was basically his vent buddy while he was with her
- He has a solid grip, no matter if he's in a dirty or clean, once he has you in his arms it will be a feat to escape from him. And don't even try waking him up, that man sleeps like a rock...
a/n: thank you so much for the request! i’m so glad this game has gotten me out of my two-year hiatus TvT these prompts are from my prompt list. but feel free to send me any original ideas you may have!
prompts: “i’m serious!”/ “…you’re smiling.” • “how much did you drink?” • “i’m not that drunk!”
*cross-posted on ao3
“We’re closed.”
Eddie’s gruff voice called out, not even bothering to look up from the glasses he was polishing. He expected the wayward patron to leave, the familiar squeak of the door signaling their departure. What he didn’t expect was to hear a voice, one he’s grown to know as Beverly.
“I know, I know. But it’s… important?”
This garnered Eddie’s attention, as his eyes located the personified mini bar, he noticed another being. Slumped against Beverly, with all the poise of a fawn learning how to walk, was you. Immediately, a sense of both irritation and protectiveness washed over Eddie. He moved from behind the bar, making his way over. “What did you do?” He asked, his expression dark and stoic but his voice giving away his concern. Beverly shrunk slightly under Eddie’s fierce gaze, laughing nervously,
“Well.. they offered to help me test out some new drinks, right? So, we started with mocktails and gradually made our way to cocktails and it.. just… kept.. going?”
Eddie just stared and Beverly continued her spiel.
“I did eventually cut them off, obviously. But we were having so much fun and they were complimenting my drink making. And you know business has been slow and they’re literally my only customer–”
“Yeah, yeah. I got it.”
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Eddie took a deep breath. “You couldn’t take them to Betty? Having them sleep it off is a better idea than taking them to another bar.” He stated. “They specifically asked for you and Volt. And I know you know how stubborn drunk people are.” Beverly explained, hoisting you up a little. While Eddie’s expression remained neutral, the subtle heat of his face flushing wasn’t lost on him. “Right. I guess we can–”
“Is that our live wire, I see?”
“Volt!”
For the first time since entering the Breaker Box, you spoke. Arms extending out as Volt approached, nearly face planting if it weren’t for him catching and holding you steady. As happy as he was to see you, Volt was perplexed by your drunken state. Normally, you never have more than two drinks with them so this was new. Volt looks at Eddie, a silent question in his expression. “Beverly had them test out several new drinks, many of which were alcoholic. Clearly.” Eddie stated, his sharp gaze never leaving Beverly. Another nervous chuckle escaped the minibar, “Haha, well I guess I better go. Bye!” And just like that she was gone.
Volt chuckled to himself, not taking this nearly as seriously as Eddie was. You could feel his laugh reverberate in chest, making you nuzzle into him more. Eddie just took in your state, as if contemplating on what to do next. “How much did you have to drink, hm?” Volt inquired, leaning his head down slightly to look you in the eye. You shrugged, meeting his gaze, “I dunno, like five? Six-ish?” You answered, your voice slurred. “They’re still coherent, that’s good.” Eddie commented, moving back to the bar to get, what you assumed is, water. Your bottom lip jutted out a bit and eyebrows furrowed, as Volt gently guided you to a booth.
“Don’t talk like ‘m not here.”
“Sorry.”
Once you sat down, Volt slid in the booth next to you, taking the glass of water Eddie handed to him and slid it in front of you. “Don’t take it personally, live wire. That’s Eddie’s way of showing he’s worried.” He explained. “I’m not worried. You had a few drinks, I don’t care. I’m more concerned about you drinking yourself into a state like this.” Eddie rebutted, deciding to stand rather than sit, subconsciously cracking his knuckles as he spoke. “What? ‘m not even that drunk!” You exclaimed, your voice way too loud considering the three of you were in close proximity to each other. “Right. Like you weren’t barely standing when Beverly brought you here. And damn near fell when Volt came over. Totally sober.” Eddie remarked, a sarcastic lit to his voice. Your brows furrowed once more as you looked off to the side, “You’re mean.” You comment, resting an elbow on the table along with your head in your hand.
Eddie scoffed in disbelief, looking to Volt for back up. “You are being a bit harsh, Eddie.” Volt added, a small smile still on his lips, clearly enjoying whatever this is. Eddie starts to speak before cutting himself off and sighing. He squats down on your side of the booth, a gentle hand taking residence on your knee. “Look. I don’t mean to be mean, I just– what if Beverly didn’t decide to escort you here? What if you decided to head here on your own? And you tripped on the stairs or something, breaking Skylar in the process. You could hurt yourself or worse and at the end of the day we’re still just objects. You would’ve been on your own.” Eddie stated, taking a breath. You hadn’t thought of that, though your thoughts were a bit scrambled in general at the moment. But, nevertheless, Eddie’s words resonated with you.
“You’re right, ‘m sorry for making you worry..”
“I’m not– it’s fine.”
Standing back up, Eddie gestures for you to scoot over and you oblige. Now sandwiched between the two, Volt slides the forgotten glass of water in front of you. “You should drink some, just to sober up a bit, yeah?” He suggests. You start to whine but Eddie isn’t having it, “Drink the water, it’s non-negotiable” He states, tapping the side of the glass. You huff and drink a tiny sip, drinking some more when Eddie gives you a look. “How are you feeling overall?” Volt hums, his arm draping over your shoulder and rubbing your arm a bit. “Tired, nauseous–” You start. “Don’t throw up.” Eddied interjected. “I wasn’t planning on it?” You reply, rolling your eyes.
Volt laughs at the banter, “That’s our live wire. You’re definitely feeling better if you’re giving Eddie an attitude” He comments. You sigh, leaning against Eddie, your eyes fluttering close. “Wouldn’t you be more comfortable in your bed?” He asks, seemingly opposed but shifting to make you more comfortable. You say nothing, shaking your head as a response, turning to nuzzle your face into the crook of his neck. “You smell good.” You hum sleepily, inhaling his scent deeply. Sober you would be absolutely mortified by your drunk actions but that was a tomorrow problem. Volt snickered, coughing into his hand in a poor attempt to disguise it. He busied his hands, taking hold of your legs and lifting them up into his lap, stroking your calf gently as your breathing begins to even out.
Eventually, the pair felt your body relax completely, a clear indicator that you were asleep. “Should we take them to Betty?” Eddie asked quietly as his hand hesitantly came to stroke your side. “What? You don’t want to be their bed for the night?” Volt teased, smiling widely as a blush bloomed across Eddie’s face. “No. Skylar’s eventually gonna run outta charge and we have no idea of knowing when.” He stated, looking off to the side. “That’s true.. But do you really think they’re going to let us move them? They look mighty comfortable snuggled up next to you.” Volt chuckles, vaguely gesturing at your sleeping form. You were completely pressed against Eddie, face in his neck, one arm loosely wrapped around his waist, while your legs were resting on Volt’s lap. Eddie closed his eyes, huffing in response, he knew Volt was right.
“I didn’t finish closing.”
“Hm.”
“All that prep work is gonna be a bitch tomorrow.”
“Right.”
“But…”
“But?”
“I guess I don’t mind.. staying here… like.. this.”
This time Volt didn’t tease, just hummed slightly, acknowledging Eddie’s words. And so they sat, the two of them with you sandwiched in between them. “You know.. if this is the only way to get you to slow down and take a break, maybe our live wire should get drunk more often.” Volt commented, smirking slightly when Eddie groaned. “God no. They better not make this a habit, you’re both already enough to deal with sober. We don’t need to add alcohol in the mix.” He muttered. There was a brief silence before Volt spoke again. “You really care about them, hm?” Volt asked softly, knowing that being vulnerable wasn’t Eddie’s strong suit. Eddie stayed silent for a moment. “I mean, yeah. Don’t you?” He replied, the question rhetorical.
“Of course, I just didn’t know about all your worries, have you always felt like that?” Volt continued, his eyes somber. “Not always but recently.. I don’t know. I guess you can say they’ve grown on me. And it doesn't help that this house is so big and that they're so clumsy. Anything can happen and we’d be none the wiser.” Eddie explained, his eyes downcast as he continued to rub your side gently. He sighed deeply, looking as though admitting his worries took years off his lifespan. “I really didn’t mean to be so.. y’know? They can just be so careless sometimes and it’s concerning. But I could’ve chosen my words better.” He admits. Volt nods, “You’ve never been too good with people. But you’re good with them, you apologize and explain your reasoning. I think they understand and don’t hold it against you.” Volt replies, reaching over to pat Eddie’s shoulder.
A beep emanated from your glasses, disrupting the peaceful atmosphere, most likely indicating a low charge.
“I guess that’s our cue.” Eddie muttered, his grip on your shirt tightening slightly. “Do you want to take them or should I?” Volt asked, knowing that at least one of them should stay behind, just to keep an eye on the Breaker Box. Eddie lifted you off of him slightly, pausing as you mumbled something incoherent, before looking to Volt. “You can take them. I’ll stay here.” He answers. Volt gives him a look, almost as if to say, “Are you sure?” But Eddie waves him off. Volt gently moves your legs off him, moving to stand and swiftly takes you into his arms. Immediately, you're nuzzling into his neck next, as if your body craves that closeness. “I had no idea our live wire was so cuddly.” He comments, his head dipping down to kiss your forehead. Eddie says nothing as he stands as well, moving towards you and planting a chaste kiss on your cheek. Already feeling Volt’s stare and hundred watt smile, Eddie groans.
“Don’t say shit.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“But you want to.”
“Nope, I’m so serious about this.”
“...you’re smiling.”
And it was true, Volt was smiling, glad to know both of them have mutual feelings toward you. “I’ll be back.” He says, making his way to the entrance. Eddie nods silently watching the two of you leave. God, you were going to be the end of him.
The next morning, you woke up with the worst cotton mouth you’ve ever experienced to date. And the pounding in your head made it no better. You were for sure saying no to Beverly next time she offered bottomless taste testing. You turn over, placing your pillow over your face, in a poor attempt to block out the sun. You could just close Curt and Rod but if you got up, you were afraid the vertigo would hit you hard. Eventually, you removed the pillow, only to notice something on your nightstand. A glass of water, a small cup with three pills in it, and a note. Undoubtedly from Eddie and Volt, just from the tone alone.
Can u imagine Dateables with a new homeowner because the og!homeowner moved out after achieving all of their hate endings LOLL
The objects are unsure of what to think of you, as— unlike the og!homeowner— they know nothing! Do you have siblings? How do you like your coffee made? So many questions and some are afraid you’ll turn out just like the og!homeowner.
When you officially move in however, they realize their concerns were for naut. The moment your name was signed on the paper, the door slammed opened, revealing your guardians/parents. The house was used to quiet and stillness. After all, the og!homeowner isolated themselves due to the datevatiors and were’t a very sociable person in general.
So suddenly having guests over, startled the objects to a high degree.
Shelley was practically hooting and hollering. Her shelves began to warp and become loose due to natural wearing. You’d asked your guardian to teach/help you fix them. Shelly wants to give you a bear hug!
Mac felt like they could breathe lighter. You figured out how outdated their system was, immediately updating them. You also deleted the 50k fanfiction of the og!owner. (They laughed when your curiosity got the best of you and you began to read it. You didn’t make it past three paragraphs.)
Koa indeed took comfort within the silence. But won’t deny that being used by many people felt… nice. You even complimented how soft his cushions were, patting the arm of the couch (aka his arm). He couldn’t help but feel bashful.
The sudden visits didn’t stop there though. Later in the week, you invited any nearby friends for a welcoming party and they all showed up!
Beverly thrived as she finally had a purpose other than serving a single (unappreciative) person. You also whipped out the most vicious, creative cocktails! She’s taking notes.
Daisuke was concerned about the amount of delicate plates/cups being used. However, he watches as you lightly scold everyone to not ‘fuck up’ and drop the plates. He finally lets himself relax, a chuckle slipping out seeing your rather stern expression.
Mitchell taps his pen against his notebook, looking at all of the food being displayed on top of Abel. While inviting your friends, he overheard you ask for each person to bring something for a huge potluck. The different aromas and textures of the food complimented each other nicely. He nods: rating the potluck an 9/10 (Deducted points for one person lugging in store-brought food. Unbelievable!).
Dateables who typically aren’t involved in social gathers even caught sneak peeks of your real personality. You noticed one of your friends didn’t look very well, so you asked them to head upstairs if they needed a break. Sooner or later, you snuck away from the main group, only to find your friend hiding away in the dark storage closet.
They opened up about relationship issues: feeling like they’re pulling away from each other. You continued to listen and comfort them, despite sitting in such a cramped space.
“Well… maybe actually sitting them down to have a proper conversation could help?” You suggested, patting their back with a soft smile. “I know it’s scary to talk about these things. But something has to change, otherwise… things will continue to fall apart. At that point, it’s too late. And you’ll wish you did something earlier.”
At the end of the conversation, you hugged your friend tight, never judging nor criticizing them once.
Eddie is hurting. Badly. The faulty wire is continuing to knock power in and out of the house. Yet, he’s lucid enough to hear your advice. It wasn’t directly to him, but he understood the seriousness of your tone. He wonders: if you learned about him and what’s actually happening to the power, would you say the same thing?
Volt is struggling. Badly. He took over the main base of the electricity to give his lover a break. He knew it wouldn’t be easy, but damn it hurts. Your conversation drifts in his ear and out the other. The man laughs bitterly. Change, huh? If you managed to find the dateviators, he hopes you’ll keep the same comforting energy after you face him.
Dorian nods his head. He understands perfectly where you’re coming from. Whether the change is welcomed or not, sometimes it’s very necessary. Maybe this new owner isn’t that bad… but he’ll continue to observe you— not wanting a repeating incident from the og!homeowner.
A week after the party ended, one of your friends asked a favor: to baby sit their kid. For or a day or two give-or-take. You absolutely had no issue this (and the dateables are wondering how truly nice humans can be). Now, there’s a small boy— no less than six-years old— squealing around the house. Furthermore, once it was bath time, it felt like a second house party all over again.
Bathsheba hummed in contempt, watching the child eagerly splash within the tub. She sees you and the boy blow bubbles into the air and onto each other. It was messy. Maybe quite icky. But the bright grins on the top of your faces was endearing. Fine. She’ll allow this for now.
River made sure the water was at the perfect temperature. Never too hot, never too cold. She decided to ignore the splashes of water against the floor. It’s been… some time since the she’s seen such lively within her domain.
Amir wished he was a camera. If so, he’ll be able to commemorate this moment forever. How adorable! Your t-shirt is soaked and arms are covered in soapy residue. Despite the soiled appearance, he admits you still look enchanting as ever. The kid you’re babysitting is quite the charmer too!
Many things have changed since you moved in, but— oddly enough— the objects didn’t mind. Your habits, hobbies, and social life is significantly different than the og!homeowner. Yet, you’ve shown so much kindness in the short time living here.
Perhaps, when the bitter feeling the og!owner left behind disappears, they hope you’re willing to build a proper friendship— and or— a potential relationship with them.
!! - mommy kink, restraints, degradation, i love twinks fuck
“fuuck— that’s how i like it mommy,” dirk drawls with a drunken spell on his voice as he rolls his hips up pathetically; “got me tied up and desperate like, what? like i’m your dirty boy?”
you smile at the reminder of your work, his wrists bound together with some laundry you had torn off his waist.
“that’s exactly what you are,” you purr at him, giving a swipe to one of his pink nipples with your thumb, and he whimpers, then whines, when you dig your nail in a little, “shameless too.”
“can’t, really help it,” he’s huffing when you start to rock your hips against him, “not when all my mommy does is fuck me up,” dirk’s got a sick little smile and matching blush when he stares up at you through his eyelashes.
it pisses you off, the way he says mommy, because you know he’s getting off playing so hard into it.
he’s just as shameless and attention-hungry in his moans, especially when you start bouncing.
“you’re a whore,” you smirk, grabbing his jaw and forcing him to look at you, “say it,” loving the way he’s sticking his tongue out for you.
“i’m your whore,” he corrects first, snickering to himself when he catches the way eyes light up, until his mewls garble up and it melts into a wanton moan, “god, you fuck me right..” thick eyelashes flutter and his voice is distorted into nonsensical whimpering as he relinquishes his body to you.
his chest is flushed and he writhes beneath you prettily— really, the typical way his lithe body was veiled beneath layers of assorted pieces of laundry was such a shame. freckled shoulders, hips— a delicate happy trail and steep v-line that compliments his just barely toned torso.
“mommy knows your body well,” you play along, and dirks eyes shoot open— little smile turning delirious.
“and mommy’s gonna make you cum over, and over, and over again,” you fist his messy hair harshly, “you got that, pretty boy?”
“oh, yes, mommy,” dirk winces happily, hissing through his smile, “tear your dirty boy apart.”
Something something very dangerous Date Everything objects.. HEAR ME OUT.
The objects moving on their own to save the player from potentially very dangerous house guests.
These objects can be honestly.. dangerous?? Like, if he wanted too, Freddy could tip the fridge over and squish anyone underneath. His animation is terrifying enough. (Or, at least open the fridge doors and slam it into their face), Stefan could turn the oven on, potentially burning the intruder. dishy could probably trap someone in there if he tried (the boss fight speaks for itself) or at least make the floor slippery.
Not just the kitchen appliances,, Kristof? HIS ANIMATION?? How terrifying would that be to an intruder? Washford and Drysdale? They could make a lot of noise that’s pretty scarily loud. Daisuke could quite literally MOVE THE KNIVES. Imagine knives being thrown at the intruder.. maybe even plates if it gets that bad.
Hector could change the temperature to boiling hot. River? Spray scalding water out of the taps. Volt and Eddie could probably send shock waves if the intruder ever got close to outlets or lights. The possibilities with them are endless..
This is all very uncanon because I know they probably can’t move without the dateviators.. BUT JUST IMAGINE!!!! Someone breaks in (be it an abuser, toxic ex, or just a stranger with ill intent) If you are sleeping soundly, Mateo will wrap you up tighter and Betty would make sure you don’t leave and continue to sleep soundly.
But if you were awake, they’d make sure there was always some sort of noise following the intruder. Floorboards are extra creaky. Lights flicker, vents hum louder. But leave it up to the objects!! They’ll protect you <33
You have Maladaptive daydreaming, which made you have a habit of singing by yourself alone In your home when you're comfortable and no one is looking.
This especially happens whenever you're going on your day like Doing Chores, Cooking, In the Shower etc...
So the scenario goes that you were daydreaming about being in love which led you to open your phone an sing-a-long to a love song. Which made you do various questionable actions towards various objects 🤭
For example.
You sensually guiding their fingers towards some objects while singing
Using some objects as mics singing your heart out
Also dancing with some objects like doing waltz with your cleaning equipment.
Using some objects as a stand in lover: hugging, kissing it, looking at the object with love In your eyes.
And many more 🤭
So Imagine the dateables. Having a mental breakdown whenever their being used during these daydreaming episodes. like
some of them blushing so hard they might faint.
Those getting used as stand-in lover trying so hard not to lose themselves.
Some actually fainting during these scenarios
Some admiring your beautiful voice and dances
Some getting jealous at some of the other objects being used as a lover.
I imagine this scenario happening before using the dateviator glasses. So the reader doesn't realize the things they're doing to some of the objects.
So whenever they wear the glasses you get confused to why some objects can't look at you in the eye. 🤭
Summary: When your friend unexpectedly drops off a baby for the night, you and your five hanger boyfriends—The Hank(s)—are thrown into a whirlwind of diapers, pacifiers, and existential panic.
A/N: sorry its been take me so long to write, my computer is literally on its last legs and I can't afford to get a new one :(
(its a 8 year old Mac book and i swear i can hear it cough after every update 💔)
You don’t ask questions when your friend drops a baby off at your door.
You try, of course. You get out “Wait, why—” before she slaps a diaper bag into your arms, kisses your cheek, and says something like “It’s just overnight, you’re the only one I trust, I’ll explain everything later, BYE.”
And then she’s gone.
And you’re left holding a real, human baby. And also surrounded by five animate "hangers" in jumpsuits who have very strong and very different feelings about this.
“A baby?” Hank 2 squeaks, already Googling CPR on your cracked phone.
Hank 1 crosses his arms. “We can handle a baby. We’ve done trick dives into volcanoes.”
“Those were miniature volcanoes made out of papier-mâché and sadness,” mutters Hank 4.
“Do we think the baby’s got a favorite already?” teases Hank 3, batting his lashes. He’s immediately silenced by a diaper to the face. “I love this baby,” Hank 5 whispers, gently cradling the child with sock-like reverence. “We should build it a tiny hammock and name it Bean.”
You make a list. You don’t know what babies eat (mashed peas? socks?), but you know what you have:
Five hanger boyfriends
A half-eaten sleeve of saltines
Eight Red Bowls
And now, apparently, a baby.
Operation: Don’t Let the Baby Die begins.
Hour 1: Hank 2 is already spiraling. He’s checking the baby’s pulse every six minutes. “What if we drop it? What if it senses our fear? What if Red Bowl finds out and tries to sponsor it?!”
Hour 2: Hank 1 builds a diaper-changing station out of your bookshelf. It is both sturdy and somehow... emotionally grounding. “Babies need confidence. Eye contact. Structure. And a little jazz.”
Hour 3: Hank 3 plays peekaboo. But it turns into an impromptu stand-up set. “You ever notice how pacifiers are just, like, emotional corks? Amirite?”
The baby stares. Then drools. Hank 3 swoons.
Hour 4: Hank 4 is writing a detailed list of potential baby names (even though you told him it already has one). “What about Clasp? Or Hookifer. No? Too thematic?”
Hour 5: Hank 5 and the baby are both asleep in a pile of pillows and blankets on the living room floor, baby toys scattered like confetti around them. You gently drape a blanket over them and whisper, “This is my life now.”
You didn’t expect this. You didn’t expect to be jobless, babysitting someone else’s infant at 3 a.m., surrounded by five sentient hangers in jumpsuits who somehow care more about your well-being than most people ever have.
But when the baby starts to cry at 3 a.m.—a loud, wailing, existential sound that cuts into your sleep like a Red Bowl promo jingle—they all show up.
Hank 2 with a warm bottle.
Hank 1 with calming noise (a Spotify playlist labeled “Jazz for Infants and Sad Adults”).
Hank 3 with interpretive dance.
Hank 4 with one (1) stolen baby sock he insists is sentimental.
Hank 5 with a lullaby that is definitely just the Red Bowl theme song hummed gently.
And you.
Tired. Overwhelmed. Absolutely not ready to be responsible for anyone, let alone six people (five of whom used to live in your closet as inanimate hangers—until the glasses happened)
But you hold that baby. And the Hanks hold you. Figuratively. And then, literally.
And in that tangled pile of limbs, soft snoring, and the faint scent of baby powder and Red Bowl plastic, you realize: this is your family.
In the morning, when your friend returns and gasps, “Wait, why are there five hot men in jumpsuits in your living room?”—
You just shrug.
“Long story,” you say. “But we’re good with babies.”
Those "if you like Date Everything you'll also like x dating sim" posts are WRONG. There is nothing like this game. Date Everything is so great because it appeals to the kind of person who has spent too much time on tumblr since they were a teenager. The perfect combo of slow-burn fanfic, cheesy tumblr humour, and weird sexyman characters. Normie dating sims like Love and Deepspace don't have the same vibe. I don't just want to date hot people and spend all my money on microtransaction missions. I want to meet the strangest, weirdest mfs out there. I want to be tempted by flirty dialogue options only to get 8 lines of actual material when we fall in love. I want my loser-y quirks and tendencies to be appreciated even while my partner(s) root for me to become my best self. I want kinky sex with hot people, at least 3 of which are exactly my type at a given moment. I want hot people whose personalities deviate from the archetypes we see in most media. I want to date WEIRDOS.
