I've gotten asked a lot in the past few years "if you're ace, how come you date?"
Annoying question to ask, random hypothetical person but I'll let you know anyway. For plenty of reasons. You meet new people, find connection, maybe make out with someone. I'm just like anyone else out there in the dating sphere, I just don't value sex as highly. This zine contains my thoughts and most recent dating stories as someone dating while ace (spoilers: demisexuality exists, people!).
and it’s my first read, and I know I’m late to the game and there’s so much to unpack, and I know have not read Crooked Kingdom yet, but truly I loved the book and the characters -- so much -- until I got to the end.
Inej’s rejection of Kaz wrecked me on a deeply personal level. It utterly broke me, and I had to put the book down before I could finish it.
this is not a commentary on systems or patterns; it is not a judgement; it is a personal gut reaction
I am asexual, and have tried with absolutely zero success, to date. I know my failure stems partly from a lack of dedication but I cannot really describe the anxiety of dating while asexual.
Every partner I have had, everyone I have thought, “Maybe this could be serious,” has fallen apart when the question of attraction rises up.
“I can’t be with someone I’m not attracted to.” or “I have expectations for a relationship.” or “I can’t wait six months for you to figure out if you’re attracted to me or not.”
That last one came while I tried to explain demisexuality and the spectrum of asexuality. It was perhaps the worst one, because I think I was lying to us both, promising the hope that maybe someday it could work the way we wanted it to, but knowing neither of us could wait around for it.
I’m not revolted by touch the way Kaz is, but I am revolted by very specific kinds of touch -- and I don’t even have a traumatic event. I simply don’t like it. I don’t like my legs being touched. I don’t like my waist being grabbed. I don’t like when people touch me.
Inej has every right to refuse Kaz. She has every right to draw her own boundary and say, “I only want a relationship if I can also have a physical relationship.” That’s fair of her to say. It hurts, but that’s her right.
What broke me, what I thought was not fair was the way she made it Kaz’s fault, as if his traumatic experience was somehow a choice, something that he allowed to come between them. Something that he chose over her.
The armor that she demands he shed is not just something he wears to protect a vulnerability. It is not a way for him to pretend to be strong while hiding a part of himself from her. When he admits his affection for her, that is his moment of vulnerability. When he allows her to touch his face, he is not being vulnerable, it is an act of utter self-sacrifice. He is allowing himself to sink back into a traumatic memory for her sake. That’s not a healthy relationship. That’s not a healthy give and take, and she can’t demand that of him.
I don’t know what is going to happen to the two of them and their character growth in book two, but as someone who has tried so, so hard to find meaningful relationships, who has tried so hard to fall in love even though I don’t want to be touched, it was gut-wrenching to see a girl I was rooting for turn so sharply on a specific hang-up that I happened to connect to.
I wish I knew how to code so I could create an asexual dating app. Do you know how stressful it is to be an ace woman trying to find a date on regular dating apps? It's fucking ridiculous.
A wise angel once said, “you go too fast for me Crowley” after going on a first date where just sitting next to each other felt like too much, heard. Sorry for laughing at you king I get it now 😵💫
