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Batfamily Comm Lines pt. 15

Damian: You cannot make me. I will quit-I promise you that I will quit, Father.

Bruce: *tiredly* We do not have an option, Robin. The Commissioner is stretched thin and has requested our help. This is the last thing that I wish to do but it is our duty to help.

Damian: I am a child. I was coerced into this lifestyle. Does my victimhood mean anything to you?

*comm line pings*

Tim: *irritated* I’m getting reports of a ketchup flood in the downtown area. Which is-by the way-outside my territory.

Dick: *confused* Ketchup? Who the-Oh for fucks sake. Condiment King? Pass, I moved to Blüd for a reason.

Bruce: We do not abandon a mission simply because-

Tim: This isn’t a mission. This is a wanna-be hot dog vendor with a vendetta that needs to be studied.

Damian: *agreeing* It is humiliating. It took Alfred three washes to get the smell of sauces out of my suit.

Dick: Fighting him was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced in my life. Remember the relish phase?

Damian: That’s one of the most painful experiences you have ever endured? *snickering* Your parents died in front of you.

Bruce: Robin!-

Dick: No-No. I stand by that, the fucking relish was worse.

*comm line pings*

Jason: *voice slightly muffled* Fucking hell-Then tell them to evacuate and head to the rooftops! Yo-the fuck is going on, Bruce? My guys just told me that Condom Man is destroying downtown.

Tim: *laughing* Condom Man.

Dick: Shush!-We have little ears listening.

Damian: I fucking know what a condom is, Grayson.

Bruce: *sighing* Condiment King escaped Arkham approximately one hour ago and is wreaking havoc on Gotham. I was just filling your brothers in on our plan.

Tim: I’m not Robin anymore. Use your sidekick for this. I’ll observe.

Damian: I'm sorry, does Robin the Third have something to say?

Bruce: We have to-

Dick: There you go again with this "we" business.

Jason: Preach. We're individuals. *voice muffles slightly* Yeah, no. It's fine. Just like- tell Felix to forget the drop today, streets are fucked. *voice unmuffles* We're unique.

Bruce: This is important. There is no arguing. He escaped Arkham and we do not know his true intentions. Robin and I will be heading downtown and I expect at least one of you to follow suit.

Jason: Arkham is a 30 minute fucking time-out. Any lunatic can waltz out of there, your Durex isn’t special.

Bruce: He is murdering citizens of Gotham. Condiment King is causing anaphylactic shock-

Jason: Natural selection. Darwin’s been fucking slacking. They’ll be missed. It’s okay, we’ll build them a memorial.

Tim and Dick: *laughing*

Damian: Is there anything to truly worry about? He is not a danger, more of inconvenience.

Dick: Yeah, B. Just run along. We'll send one of us right behind you.

Bruce: Oracle-Tell the Commissioner that I am responding to the distress signal alone. Ensure that I have back-up within five minutes.

*Bruce disconnects from main comm line*

Damian: *exasperated* I do not understand why you do not just kill him, Akhi.

Dick: Damian! *small laugh* Don’t say that!

Jason: You came to my fucking apartment when Bruce and I weren’t speaking and practically begged me to limit my killings to make him ‘comfortable’

Damian: Now is when you decide to truly listen?

Jason: *mocking tone* Now is when you decide to be hypocritical?

Tim: Listen- We won’t say anything. I’ll look away. Where’d Condiment King go? Poor fellow-He seemed awful depressed after we botched his plans.

Dick: *snorting* The noose magically tied itself.

Jason: *wheezing.* I can’t believe Bruce thinks I’m the homicidal one in this family when all three of you are casually fine with murder.

Damian: I was raised as a child assassin until I was 10 years old. I think that alone demonstrates where I lie with the casual murder.

*comm line pings*

Oracle: Hate to break this up but Batman is desperately requesting backup and for someone to swing by with a new suit.

Dick: *laughing* Lemme guess-Condiment King blasted him?

Oracle: Oh absolutely *cackling*

Tim: *mystified*He was there for like two minutes, what the hell.

Damian: I still am not helping Father.

Jason: Come on, Dames. We can pick out one of his embarrassing suits.

Damian: *silent* Very well.

Tim and Dick: *cackling*

Batfamily Comm Lines pt.12

* the sound of grunting and air whooshing can be heard*

Dick: *sighs* Damn, I am tired. I nearly missed the ledge.

Tim: Shit, me too. What is it with Gotham tonight?

Dick: No clue, I’m comming Jay and Damian. See if we can wrap this up fucking soon.

*comm line pings*

* boots crunching on glass*

Jason: Sometimes you gotta just rip a cigarette, you know what I mean?

Damian: *silent for a moment* No. Not really…But whatever helps you.

Tim: Question and I’m trying my best to phrase this super delicately.

Jason: Yeah?

Tim: How are you not a drug addict? Growing up with Willis and your mom in that environment, you had access to so many substances. I’m surprised you never tried drugs.

Damian: You call that delicate? *voice echoing* Hey Hood, in other words, why did your childhood suck?

Dick: The hell are you talking about. Jay use to smoke weed all the time as Robin.

Jason and Damian: *laughing*

Tim: WHAT. BRUCE DOESN’T EVEN LET ME PATROL IF I’M ON PAINKILLERS SOMETIMES.

Jason: Yeah I- *giggling* Use to smoke weed before patrol sometimes. Not all the fucking time, jackass. *wheezing* I was like 14, some of the kids at school started getting into it. I said fuck it and gave in.

Tim: B didn’t notice? How did he not notice?

Jason: Oh he did. *laughing* Took him a couple months but the old man got there.

Dick: *cackling* Tell him, Jay. PLEASE tell him. I love this story.

Jason: B and I were in the middle of taking down some operation down in the Narrows. I’d smoked an hour before patrol and I was really feeling it. But I wasn’t going to pretend to be sick, you know? This is where my desire for Bruce to love me more than Dick was still strong-

Damian: Cannot believe that even in your drugged state, you allowed your parental issues to peak through.

Jason: I WAS IMPRESSIONABLE. Anyways-Bruce was talking to the Commissioner after it all went down. He was tired, he’d been up for two days trying to track down this certain ring. He tried to say “ There are no more perpetrators left in the warehouse.” *cackles*

Dick: *laughing* It’s not funny. It’s not. It *giggling* could have ended poorly.

Damian: These two can never get out a full story without being reduced to laughter. I swear.

Jason: *clears throat* Instead he says,” There are no more warehouses in the perpetrators” before blanking staring off into the distance like he gave some presidential worthy speech *laughing.*

Tim: *laughter growing louder*

Damian: Lord-Father must have been embarrassed.

Dick: HE WAS. Gordon stared at Jason like is he alright but he was already laughing so hard that tears are streaming down. He tried to put a hand out on the wall to steady himself but misses and falls down, landing on a semi truck that was parked below.

Damian: *laughing* Your addiction was discovered by you performing a Falling Graysons move?

Jason: *crying with laughter* The Falling Graysons.

Dick: Asshole. *chortling* He had Jay drug-tested as soon as Alfie cleared him for injuries.

Tim: *mystified* I can’t believe that the second Robin was using drugs.

Jason: You act like I was snorting shit up my nose. It was weed.

Dick: Bruce tried to pull me into the conversation! He was complaining how “ the uniform was being disgraced and we are technically public servants.” All I said was“ it’s not like it’s coke”and he got mad because that wasn’t the point.

Damian: It is also quite hypocritical as Father use to smoke cigarettes.

Jason: FUCKING EXACTLY. He can’t be mad if he was out there smoking.

Tim: Those are two completely different things, you druggie.

Jason: *wistfully* Every substance I have ever abused was truly loved.

Damian: Someone please get me. I need a trusted adult.

Oracle: Batman is requesting to be added into this comm line.

Dick: *humming* Ok, thanks, Babs.

*comm line pings*

Bruce: All four of you please be on the on look-out for any drug activity in downtown Gotham. There appears to be a new batch of unknown drugs hitting the streets.

Damian: *snickering* Maybe Hood will join them.

Bruce: What?

Jason: Don’t tempt me with a good time, old man. *cackles*

Dick: Oh boy.

Jason: *cackling harder* Nostalgia seems to be calling me. Why don’t you and I go out for a quick blunt huh, B?

Bruce: *disconnects from main line*

Damian: Does this mean that it is acceptable for me to partake in the usage of marijuana?

Dick: NO.

Batfamily Comm Lines pt. 13

* a quiet night on a roof-top in Crime Alley*

Jason: Do you think we don’t give Gothamites enough credit?

Damian: What do you mean?

Jason: Like-Like they aren’t stupid. They can’t be. They live in Gotham, they have to have some sort of intelligence to survive-

Damian: Roaches can survive nuclear bombs. They are quite intelligent insects.

Jason: *continuing* Wayne Enterprises has companies in fucking everything from medical to plumbing. W.E is to Gotham what Samsung is to South Korea. No one’s ever thought ‘ maybe B’s trying to take over the city?’

Damian: Are you-Do you have the suspicion that Father may be on the cusp of being discovered?

Jason: Think about it. You get off work at your Martha Wayne Foundation job, ride your Wayne Tech scooter home, and use your Wayne Tech rose toy for the evening. *cackling*

Damian: WHAT THE FUCK.

Jason: The Brucie specialty edition one.

Damian: *flabbergasted* Run that last part for me one more time.

Jason: * laughing* Watching your city be terrorized on your Wayne TV.

Damian: You think that because Father is such a philanthropist and involved citizen, a person using a sex toy from his company will somehow come to the realization that he is Batman?

Jason: Yeah.

Damian: Makes sense, yeah. I see it.

* comm line pings*

Tim: *Grunting, the sound of scraping metal can be heard* GODDAMN THIS GUY IS FUCKING HEAVY.

Dick: *laughing* Red Robin just got squashed by a thief. He tried jumping off the roof and missed, fell onto poor Timmy down below.

Jason and Damian: *laughing*

Tim: *grumbling* Can't believe I weaseled my way into this job.

Jason: Oracle, please tell me you got that shit on video.

Oracle: Oh absolutely. I don't miss a thing, I'll send it to you.

Tim: Bullies. Absolute bullies.

Damian: Why don't we ask them about your conspiracy theory, Akhi?

Dick: Huh? What conspiracy theory?

Jason: That don't people in Gotham put two and two together? W.E is responsible for so much product and no one realizes that's suspicious as shit?

Tim: You know-He has a fair point. B’s outreach is pretty expansive.

Damian: That is not what you said at all. He said that an individual would most likely figure out this theory by using a ‘ Wayne Tech rose toy’.

Jason: *cackling*

Dick: HE’S COOKING. WHY IS GOTHAM’S MOST BELOVED BILLIONAIRE INVESTING IN SHIT YOU SELL AT SPENCER’S.

Tim: It’s all coming together.

Jason: You know- Theory aside. Who, out of all of us, is the most likely to spill the beans about B being Batman?

Damian: Grayson. Are you genuinely asking? This man has screamed our secret identities out into the open multiple times. It is a miracle that Father's double life has remained intact for so long.

Dick: You just said my name but I’m the one that’s going to slip up?

Tim: Bro-You went into that 24-hour cafe downtown as Nightwing and when the barista asked for your name, you said " Yeah just put Grayson. Thanks."

Damian: Jesus Christ.

Jason: OH MY GOD. DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN BRUCE GYRATED AT THE ICEBERG LOUNGE *cackling* DANCED IN HIS UNDERWEAR ON TOP OF THE ICE SCULPTURE OF A PENGUIN.

Dick: *audibly smiling* To keep up his Brucie Wayne persona. I remember it. *laughing* Alfred couldn't maintain eye contact with him for a few days after.

Tim: I’m still baffled as to why he did that.

Dick: *nonchalantly* To convince people that he’s just a pretty boy with a ton of money and not a furry fighting crime.

Tim: No-I understand that. But did the clothes really have to come off? He couldn’t just pretend to be blackout drunk?

Damian: So if anyone suspects my identity, I'm just suppose to start stripping?

Jason: *laughing*

Dick: *wheezing* Or pretend to be blackout drunk like Tim suggested.

Tim: Oh yeah-The 13 year old is just drunk at the- Shit he’s loose. Nightwing, headed your way!

Dick: COME HERE. DON’T MAKE ME CHASE YOU WHILE I LAUGH.

Batfamily Comm Lines pt. 11

Dick: You and Bruce are getting along now?

Jason: I wouldn't go that far. We haven't been at each other's throats for a week.

Dick: I noticed. What's that about?

Jason: There can't be development on my part? Maybe I'm growing up. Maturity can be sexy.

Dick: *holding back a laugh* N-No. I didn't say that! There can be, of course. *voice gets high-pitched* I'm just so proud of you.

Jason: *laughing* You're a jackass. *pauses* I had a revelation the other week. So Damian and I are hanging out and he'd been bothering me about going to that new bookstore that opened in Burnside-

Dick: *humming* Yeah, Barbara was talking to me about it.

Jason: He's wandering around and I stumble across a book called " Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents", I start reading it and it's making fucking sense.

Dick: *cackles*

Jason: *smacking sounds* No, listen. I don't fully agree with the whole " it's their first time living too" bullshit. But if my parents got nerfed in front of me at 8, I'd harbor some mixed feelings towards guns.

Dick: Oh my god, Jay. *snorting* You are so fucking awful.

Jason: And he's been emotionally stunted since then and it didn't help that Alfie- god bless his British heart- supported him by letting him create a repressed fursona and leap off buildings at the age of 19. I'd be fucked mentally too if I was dressed as a flying mammal at a critical time in my development.

Dick: * laughing* So the only reason you're getting along with B is because you pity him?

Jason: Pretty much. What? If it works, it works. We can't afford to be picky here, Dickie.

*comm pings*

Damian: Nightwing, Hood. What is the status update on the delivery truck that is rumored to be entering the Bowery tonight?

Jason: *sarcastically* Oh, were we suppose to be looking out for that?

Damian: Imbeciles. You were tasked with one simple job-

Jason: Don't get your nuts twisted. I was joking. No movement.

*comm line is silent for a brief moment*

Dick: Tim, have you heard the news? Jay picked up a groundbreaking novel from a hip new bookstore and figured out the key to getting along with B. You just have to pity him.

Damian: I was there with him. He picked up the book and lifted it up like that children's movie you love, the one about the panthers where he is crowned king-

Jason: Do you mean the Lion King? *cackles*

Damian: *ignoring him* And proclaimed quite loudly " THIS IS IT. THIS IS THE ANSWER."

Tim: *off guard* What?

Damian: I do not understand why we must pity Father. By all accounts, he is a respectable and influential individual in Gotham.

Jason: Hello? Your old man has so much trauma, it’s fucking astonishing that he’s functioning.

Damian: Your biological father beat you over the head with a baseball bat, ask me if I show you any pity.

Tim: *laughing* He has a valid point, Jason. Can you truly build a functional relationship because you have compassion over eight year old B?

Jason: I don't see you getting along with Bruce. You argue with him too.

Tim: *snorting* Occasionally and that's because of whatever your book probably said. He pushes people away, doesn’t connect emotionally, yadayadayada.

Damian: Is there a reason you do not refer to Father by a parental name such as Dad or a " pops" like most Western children do?

Dick: I have never heard a child refer to their parent as " pops" outside of a Little Rascals episode.

Tim: Robin, got eyes on your target?

Damian: *humming* On your mark, RR.

Jason: I only call B " dad" when I'm feeling like a little shit and want to get under his skin. But maybe I should try again. In a different approach.

Dick: I think I referred to him by that a few times and one of them was when I was delirious with a fever. The furniture started looking like people.

Damian: *grunting, punching noises* I did not expect that considering you are the one that argued with Father the most.

Tim: *panting* Stop kicking me, asshole. Rob, tie up this one with the rest and alert GCPD. So true. You and B had a full on brawl in the Cave when Hood died.

Dick: *sucking his teeth* People grieve in many different ways...

*comm pings*

Oracle: I accidentally called him Dad once by mistake and he teared up so quickly that I was disgusted. I had to be like “ No. NO. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.”

Tim and Dick: *bursting into laughter*

Jason: Ripped the hope and dreams right out of his furry hands.

Damian: Do you think Father replays that moment in his head over and over?

Tim: Absolutely. He has to. Had the chance to have a daughter and Barbs stepped on it.

Oracle: Speaking of which…Batman is requesting to join the line.

*comm line pings*

Bruce: Can anyone provide assistance with prison transportations to Arkham? The Commissioner is requesting the extra support.

Jason: *sultry voice* Sure daddy.

Bruce: ……..

*Bruce disconnects from main line*

Tim, Dick, Jason, and Barbara: *howling with laughter*

Damian: Depraved. YOU ARE DEPRAVED. GO FUCKING REREAD THAT BOOK.

scenarios that happened in the league of assassins that Jason and Damian won't admit to because they're little shits pt.1

Jason, straddling a chair: You’ve got five seconds to tell me who’s behind the uprisings before this show goes sideways.

Prisoner, tied up and bleeding: I will not betray my superiors. Do what you must. My name shall be remembered, and our work will fester until it grows and bleeds into every corner of your organization.

Jason, twirling a knife: Guess we’re doing this the hard way.

Prisoner: Do what you must—

Damian, descending the stairs: Akhi, have you seen my ferret? He ran off during the attack, and no one has seen him. His dinner was an hour ago, and it is important that he remain firm on his eating schedule.

Jason: I don’t give a fuck about your stretched-out rodent. Busy here.

Damian: As am I. Regulus cannot be unsupervised, he swallows foreign objects regularly and Grandfather will not allow the Royal veterinarian to visit for the same continuous issue.

Jason, snorting: Your ferret has pica? Christ-This family is fucked.

Damian, ignoring him: Has the prisoner revealed any crucial information yet?

Jason: Nah, I was about to Rocky him before you interrupted.

Damian: I have far more experience in the realm of extracting information from those who refuse to bend or break.

Jason: I was fighting crackheads in alleyways when I was your age. I think I’ve farmed enough respect.

Damian, looking at the unidentified man: Be honest, did you respect Jason prior to my presence?

Prisoner, sweating profusely: I didn't-I mean, I did. *pauses* I don't understand the question.

Jason: Listen, you little shit. If you don’t get out of my interrogation, I’m going to let him go so he can finish the job.

Prisoner, hesitating: I-I don’t think I want to anymore?

Jason, cracking his head back at the hostage: You broke into a eleven year old’s room to murder him and now that I’m giving you permission, you’re fucking over it? Is this some weird reverse consent kink you got going on?

Damian: Reverse psychology, you offer permission and then the urge dissipates.

*small champagne colored ferret darts across the floor in front of them*

Damian: Regulus! Come here! *climbs over Jason*

Jason: Oh my god, move. MOVE OUT THE FUCKING WAY.

The prisoner seizes the distraction and attempts to flee—falling forward on Jason’s extended knife and crumbles to the floor.

*Both boys pause. No noise can be heard.*

Damian: Perhaps he is simply injured and not deceased?

Jason, groaning and pinching his nose: Great, Dames. Your rat killed my hostage.. Ra’ is gonna throw a fit.

Damian: He did not do such a thing. You were the one wielding the weapon.

Jason, tilting his head: You think we can dip him into the Pit real quick without anyone noticing?

Damian: Absolutely. Grab his legs quickly, I’ll grab the upper portion.

-------------------------

Talia al Ghul: My sons… what on Earth are you doing with our prisoner?

*Jason smacking the deceased prisoner over the head with a wooden board.*

Jason: He won’t fucking sink! Why does he keep floating?!

Damian: *calmly* Hello, Mother. Do not worry. All is well. * leans closer to Jason* He is not a common bath toy—he’s a corpse. Just push. PUSH.

Jason: Bro’s dead, and he’s floating like a damn cork.

Talia al Ghul, mystified: The future of the League rests in their hands… good God.

Batfamily Comm Lines pt.8

*comm pings*

Dick: Bruce is going to call and ask which one of us changed the Batcomputer wallpaper to Batsupes fan-fic drawings.

Damian: It is nice to know that he is embracing his sexuality.

Tim: *snorts* Closet is made out of fucking glass.

Dick: Fess up. Which one of you assholes did it? I’m not taking the blame for this one.

Damian: Do not look at me, I have been on patrol with Drake for hours.

Dick: *groans* Fucking hell. Barbs, can you link us up to Jay?

Oracle: Mhm. Sure can.

*comm pings*

Jason: You have five seconds to tell me who bought the weapons drop or I’m going to kick your kneec-Hello? The fuck. I’m working right now-No, not you, dipshit. I’m on a call.

Tim: We interrupting a murder or?

Jason: Eh. Not yet. Depends what he says-Don’t worry about it. I didn’t say anything-Whatcha want?

Damian: Someone has defiled Father’s computer with Batsupes smut drawings and he is looking for the culprit.

Jason: *cackling maniacally* HOW LONG DID IT TAKE HIM TO FIND IT-*weeping* Yeah yeah you can go. I’ll just hunt ya down later, ok? PLEASE TELL ME YOU GUYS TOOK A PHOTO OF HIS REACTION.

Dick: JACKASS. You think I wanted to see that? I’m traumatized. Do you know how explicit they were?

Jason: *still weeping in laughter* What? Come on-Don’t tell me it wasn’t funny.

Damian: *giggling * Grayson, admit it. You find humor in this.

Tim: Vile. You’re vile. Dick just sent over a photo of it, it’s a THOUSAND photos of them that are formed to shape a heart.

Jason: I thought he’d appreciate my artistic talent.

Dick: What’d Bruce do now to piss you off?

Damian: As if he needs a reason.

Tim: This is why people make assumptions about you, Hood.

Jason: In comparison, to all you fucking degenerates, I was the nicest kid Bruce got.

Tim: That’s not-

Jason: Dick tried murdering Zucco at the age of nine, you were a fucking STALKER, and Damian was raised in an assassin cult in the desert.

Tim: I was not a stalker, I was just gathering information on a HUNCH that I had-

Damian: As you hid behind garbage cans with a NIKON SLR in your pajamas. Like a pervert.

Jason: *laughs*

Dick: Jay was an overachieving bastard. Straight As, perfect attendance, the media just made him out to be a heathen since he’s from Crime Alley.

Damian: *snickers* He does raise an excellent point. The majority of us were career criminals or on our way to becoming one.

Jason: Dick was a fucking menace. When he first joined the Team, he would beat up criminals and disappear while laughing. Do you know how creepy that is? Imagine getting your ass beat and before blacking out, you hear the giggle of a prepubescent 13 year old.

Tim: After you died, Bruce would cry in the Cave about how heartbroken Dick was. He said you two had ‘ such a bond.’

Jason: A BOND, MY FUCKING ASS.

Dick: We couldn’t stand each other. There was a point where anytime I entered a room, he would just start seething at me.

Jason: I was walking down the sidewalk with Dick one day because Bruce paid him to take me out for burgers and I saw one of my mom’s druggie ex boyfriends so I froze. He pauses and says, with the smuggest fucking smile, ‘ Is he one of your old daddies that smacked you around?’

Damian: *snorts*

Tim: *horrified* You said that to a fucking child?

Dick: *happily* Yes. He was a little shit head. He would intentionally flinch in public around me as a joke!

Jason: We were at a Gala once and I asked him-in front of W.E. chairmen-‘ Do I have your permission to use the bathroom?’

Damian: That’s beyond terrible. This is why Father took blood pressure medication in his early days of being Batman.

Tim: So when did you two finally become cool with one another?

Dick: Like post-Ethiopia. Once he got resurrected and came in guns blazing, I talked to him without Bruce and was like ‘ yeah he’s killing people but lowkey it’s bad people.’

Damian: *confused tone* Akhi, I thought you two had a semi-decent relationship before your death.

Jason: Yeah. Maybe a year before. We full on brawled in the Manor when I was 14 and Dick was 17.

Tim: Is that why there’s a fucking dent next to the chimney that Bruce refuses to talk about?!

Dick: *hums in agreement* Bruce ran in, trying to break us up. He ended up with a chipped tooth.

Tim: And afterwards, you guys were cool with one another?

Dick: Pretty much. It was a respect thing.

Jason: Like silverback gorillas. We needed to earn respect within the hierarchy.

Damian: That is precisely the reason why I attempted to murder Tim when I first arrived at Gotham, my respect for him *slight chuckle escapes*

Tim: You couldn’t even get through the whole sentence without breaking.

*comm pings*

Oracle: Hate to break up this very nostalgic and informative conversation but Batman is heading towards your guys’ general location.

Damian: Do not patch him through, Oracle. DO NOT PATCH HIM THROUGH.

Jason: If he asks, Dick did it.

Dick: WHAT. YOU ASSHOLES.

Tim: I second it.

Damian: I agree as well. Have fun, Grayson.

Jason: *disconnects from comm line*

Dick: Motherfuckers. Traitors. Bastards.

scenarios that happened in the league of assassins that Jason and Damian won't admit to because they're little shits pt.2

Jason: Bruce is missing an eye actually.

Damian: *cautiously* Which one?

Jason: Left one. In his early days of vigilantism, he was in a fight that turned sideways.

Damian: *pondering warily* Why did Mother not mention it?

Jason: *without missing a beat* Because she’s embarrassed. Bruce kissed Talia so passionately once that the force ejected it out and rolled down a flight of stairs.

Damian: *nodding slowly* Yes. That makes sense. I see. Should I bring up Father’s disability when I meet him?

Jason: *very seriously* No. Never. This is Bruce we’re talking about. Stubborn and full of pride. Every night though, he has a ritual. He’ll pop it right out and have his newest ward shine it for him like those old timey shoe shiners.

Damian: Am…I expected to do this for him?

Jason: Of course! It’s such a blessing. My God-You know who loves doing it? Tim. I bet he just has that special father-son relationship with Bruce.

Damian: I WILL BE THE BEST PROSTHETIC EYE CLEANER GOTHAM HAS EVER SEEN. * stomps away*

Jason: *snickering silently*

Damian: *surrounded by several prosthetic eyeballs* Hm. I wonder if Father has a preference towards a certain ocular lubricant in which I should be utilizing.

Jason: I’m sure he’ll love whichever one you use. It’s the thought that counts.

Damian: But Timothy Drake has several years of experiencing cleaning-

Jason: Where’d you get all the eyes from?

Damian: Dug them up. You’d be surprised how many of our enemies had missing orbs.

Talia al Ghul: *walking in* What is going on here?

Jason: *attempting to keep a neutral expression*

Damian: *bewildered* Practicing on how to clean Father’s prosthetic eye when I met him. Akhi has informed me that it is a special ritual.

Talia al Ghul: Your father is missing his eye?

Damian: *confused* Yes-Jason said Father’s love was so pure and untamed for you that it fell from his socket and-

Jason: *cackling* ROLLED DOWN THE STREETS OF GOTHAM LIKE A CHEF BOYARDEE CAN.

Talia al Ghul: That never happened. Damian, you should know by now that Jason is always lying.

Jason: *wheezing from laughter*

Damian: *turning to his brother* I shall kill you and cremate you so Mother cannot resurrect you.

Jason: *on his knees, tears dribbling down his face* W-Worth it.

Batfamily Comm Lines pt.1

Damian: I am highly trained in several methods of combat and weaponry. I am the Son of the Bat, heir to the Demon's Head throne, and I do not follow-

Jason: I'm not taking orders from someone who is anemic.

Dick: Anemic? Whose anemic?

Jason: Damian is. He's been anemic since-

Damian: Todd, silence. Be quiet. Think of everything I have on you-

Jason, laughing: Ohhhh sensitive topic for you, Dami? He's fucking deficient in iron. Has been since like 7.

Tim: Why are you ashamed of being anemic? The fuck.

Damian: I am not anemic.

Jason: You take iron supplements.

Damian: And you take Flintstone vitamins, idiot. You are a child.

Dick, raising an eyebrow: Wait… we’re really having a nutritional roast mid-patrol?

Jason, grinning: Absolutely. Damian’s secret weakness is iron deficiency. Who knew the perfect little assassin had a soft spot?

Damian, flaring: I am not—

Tim: Ohhhh, so it’s okay if you pop a pill every morning but I get grief for a missing organ?

Damian, fuming, clenching his fists: I do not pop pills frivolously! Each iron tablet is calculated, precise, and necessary for optimal performance! You, however, lost a spleen due to your own stupidity-

Jason: Optimal performance? It's literally a vitamin.

Dick: Honestly, I’m just impressed that we’re having a rooftop argument about vitamins and organs mid-patrol. Gotham must be proud.

Jason, pointing at Damian: You hear that, tiny vampire? Dick’s siding with me.

Damian, growling: “ He is not. And I will have you know, Todd, that my blood iron levels are—”

Jason, cutting him off: “—sad. And small. And hilarious. Got it.”

Tim: We literally have to just deprive him of vitamins and he'll be out of our hair.

Jason: He skips one meal and he's a goner.

Dick giggling: You’re talking about Damian like he’s a Tamagotchi.

Damian, outraged: I AM STANDING RIGHT HERE.

Jason, nodding seriously: Yeah, and you’re standing there on borrowed iron.

Tim, deadpan: “I’m just saying, tactically, if he ever goes rogue, we cut off access to supplements. No swords. No traps. Just… nutritional neglect.”

Damian, drawing his blade: I will end all of you.

Bruce, finally cutting in over comms: If anyone deprives anyone else of vitamins, I swear I will ground all of you.

Damian: This family is a disgrace.

Dick grinning as he leaps off the roof: Yeah—but we’re a well-nourished disgrace.