Mar 31
Me, pointing to the mirror: Do NOT become The Joker about this. This isn’t even a Condiment King situation.
seen from Malaysia
seen from Yemen
seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from Russia
seen from Netherlands
seen from United Kingdom
seen from New Zealand
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Germany
seen from Germany
seen from Cameroon
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from Germany
seen from United States
Me, pointing to the mirror: Do NOT become The Joker about this. This isn’t even a Condiment King situation.
Batfamily Comm Lines pt. 15
Damian: You cannot make me. I will quit-I promise you that I will quit, Father.
Bruce: *tiredly* We do not have an option, Robin. The Commissioner is stretched thin and has requested our help. This is the last thing that I wish to do but it is our duty to help.
Damian: I am a child. I was coerced into this lifestyle. Does my victimhood mean anything to you?
*comm line pings*
Tim: *irritated* I’m getting reports of a ketchup flood in the downtown area. Which is-by the way-outside my territory.
Dick: *confused* Ketchup? Who the-Oh for fucks sake. Condiment King? Pass, I moved to Blüd for a reason.
Bruce: We do not abandon a mission simply because-
Tim: This isn’t a mission. This is a wanna-be hot dog vendor with a vendetta that needs to be studied.
Damian: *agreeing* It is humiliating. It took Alfred three washes to get the smell of sauces out of my suit.
Dick: Fighting him was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced in my life. Remember the relish phase?
Damian: That’s one of the most painful experiences you have ever endured? *snickering* Your parents died in front of you.
Bruce: Robin!-
Dick: No-No. I stand by that, the fucking relish was worse.
*comm line pings*
Jason: *voice slightly muffled* Fucking hell-Then tell them to evacuate and head to the rooftops! Yo-the fuck is going on, Bruce? My guys just told me that Condom Man is destroying downtown.
Tim: *laughing* Condom Man.
Dick: Shush!-We have little ears listening.
Damian: I fucking know what a condom is, Grayson.
Bruce: *sighing* Condiment King escaped Arkham approximately one hour ago and is wreaking havoc on Gotham. I was just filling your brothers in on our plan.
Tim: I’m not Robin anymore. Use your sidekick for this. I’ll observe.
Damian: I'm sorry, does Robin the Third have something to say?
Bruce: We have to-
Dick: There you go again with this "we" business.
Jason: Preach. We're individuals. *voice muffles slightly* Yeah, no. It's fine. Just like- tell Felix to forget the drop today, streets are fucked. *voice unmuffles* We're unique.
Bruce: This is important. There is no arguing. He escaped Arkham and we do not know his true intentions. Robin and I will be heading downtown and I expect at least one of you to follow suit.
Jason: Arkham is a 30 minute fucking time-out. Any lunatic can waltz out of there, your Durex isn’t special.
Bruce: He is murdering citizens of Gotham. Condiment King is causing anaphylactic shock-
Jason: Natural selection. Darwin’s been fucking slacking. They’ll be missed. It’s okay, we’ll build them a memorial.
Tim and Dick: *laughing*
Damian: Is there anything to truly worry about? He is not a danger, more of inconvenience.
Dick: Yeah, B. Just run along. We'll send one of us right behind you.
Bruce: Oracle-Tell the Commissioner that I am responding to the distress signal alone. Ensure that I have back-up within five minutes.
*Bruce disconnects from main comm line*
Damian: *exasperated* I do not understand why you do not just kill him, Akhi.
Dick: Damian! *small laugh* Don’t say that!
Jason: You came to my fucking apartment when Bruce and I weren’t speaking and practically begged me to limit my killings to make him ‘comfortable’
Damian: Now is when you decide to truly listen?
Jason: *mocking tone* Now is when you decide to be hypocritical?
Tim: Listen- We won’t say anything. I’ll look away. Where’d Condiment King go? Poor fellow-He seemed awful depressed after we botched his plans.
Dick: *snorting* The noose magically tied itself.
Jason: *wheezing.* I can’t believe Bruce thinks I’m the homicidal one in this family when all three of you are casually fine with murder.
Damian: I was raised as a child assassin until I was 10 years old. I think that alone demonstrates where I lie with the casual murder.
*comm line pings*
Oracle: Hate to break this up but Batman is desperately requesting backup and for someone to swing by with a new suit.
Dick: *laughing* Lemme guess-Condiment King blasted him?
Oracle: Oh absolutely *cackling*
Tim: *mystified*He was there for like two minutes, what the hell.
Damian: I still am not helping Father.
Jason: Come on, Dames. We can pick out one of his embarrassing suits.
Damian: *silent* Very well.
Tim and Dick: *cackling*
non-gotham locals think the most prolific bat-villain is the joker, or scarecrow, even the riddler — or any of their assorted highly dangerous deluded rogues.
but a real gothamite knows how big a pain in the ass condiment king is, in fact, urban legend says that the bat kids have formed a pact to not tell batman if condiment king just happens to turn up… at the bottom of gotham harbor.
I saw this thing from who knows where, I sure don’t, but it was essentially that no matter how powerful an enemy is, they’re never really as equipped as they’d like to someone just running at them with a blunt weapon, and I like to think that’s how the bats work, not a soul they fight is truly as prepared as they should to someone running at them, holding a stick
__
Riddler(laughing): cmon now red robin, entertain me
Tim(starts swinging with staff):
Riddler(expected detective Tim, got brute force): oh what the shit-
Riddler: nuh uh, nuh uh, nope. No
Riddler(running off):
Tim(mocking): cmon, entertain me
Riddler: you’re an ass!
Tim: I’m great
__
Mad About DC (2026)
Texts From Superheroes
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Runaway Rogue
So! A couple of years ago, Danny lost one of his Rogues.
It's not that they got Ended or anything, he literally lost them and couldn't find them. One day they ran off after being defeated and never showed up again. They were one of his Joke Villains, not posing a real threat but still extremely annoying when they wanted to be.
He hadn't seen them in Years now, and with the situation in Amity quelled and more free time on his hands than he had gotten in Years, he decided to finally track the Ghost down and see what he had been up to.
His search led him to Gotham, where he finally found the one Rogue that he had lost all those years ago.
Condiment King.
