Month 2: “Mourning Sickness”
August 22, 2018
“Dear Bucky,
Morning sickness sucks. And why is it even called morning sickness when it lasts all day and all night? This past month has been rough. And not just because I’ve been puking my guts out at all hours.
I miss you so much it hurts.
I felt our baby move today. It was just a flutter, but I know it was them. I called out your name and then remembered…you’re not here.
Steve found me crying on the pool deck and like always, just held me until I couldn’t cry anymore. He made me eggs and this anti nausea tea that Haley recommended. We talked about you for a bit, until a new wave of sickness hit and I barely made it to the bathroom.
Natasha held my hair back. She’s been helping me too. Between Nat, Sabine and Steve, I’ve got the older sibling support system down.
But it doesn’t compare to you. I know you’d be right by my side, even though I wouldn’t want you seeing me so sick like that.
I’m trying to be strong, but it’s hard without you.
I love you, Bucky.
Always,
Kayla.”
Kayla watched the sunrise from the pool deck, her feet dipped in the warm water of the jacuzzi. She wrapped Bucky’s old red shawl from their time in Wakanda around her shoulders, closing her eyes and inhaling his faint scent.
“Whoever said it gets easier when it comes to grief clearly never lost their true person.” She sniffled, her voice raspier than her normal tone, from the past hour she spent knelt over her toilet vomiting. Her eyes were slightly puffy from crying and the tip of her nose was red and raw. “Bucky…god I miss you so much. I feel like there’s this hole in my heart. It hurts to even breathe.”
Kayla wrapped her arms tighter around herself, pressing her face into the red checkered fabric. Her shoulders shook as a new wave of tears hit her.
She was lost in her grief that she didn’t hear the soft thud of boots approaching her. She only looked up when she felt a strong arm wrap around her shoulders and pull her into a solid frame.
Steve laid his cheek on top of Kayla’s hair, rubbing soft circles on her shoulder. He didn’t say anything, he knew words wouldn’t help or comfort her. So he sat there silently, letting her cry until the tears stopped.
“What? Do you purposefully listen for me crying now?” Kayla sniffled, wiping her eyes with the heel of her hand.
“Not on purpose.” Steve chuckled. “But, when I do hear you cry, I immediately track you down. Because I know you’re alone and you shouldn’t be.”
Kayla laid her head against his shoulder, her fingers curling into the shawl’s fabric. “I felt it. The baby.” She let out a shuddering breath. “It was just a flutter but, I felt it. I called out for Bucky to tell him and then I remembered…he’s gone.”
Her lip quivered, an action she once wouldn’t let anyone see.
Steve gently squeezed her shoulder, pressing a soft kiss to her hairline. “I know there’s nothing I can say or do to ease your grief. All I can do is just be here for you…and my little nephew or niece.”
That got a chuckle out of Kayla, which he took as a win. “Come on, let me make you some breakfast.”
He helped her to her feet, wiping the last tear that fell from her eye.
Kayla sat at the kitchen island, watching Steve as he finished scrambling some eggs in a skillet for her. Next to her, Sabine sipped her coffee while Kyla sat at the end, finishing her bowl of cereal.
“Here ya go Kay, that should be easy on your stomach.” Steve smiled, sliding the plate in front of her.
Kayla took a bite, “Thanks, Steve.”
“I know how ya feel sis.” Sabine sighed, rubbing Kayla’s back. “Morning sickness kicked my ass too.”
Kyla hopped down from her stool and hugged her aunt. “Sorry your baby’s making you sick auntie Kayla.”
“Thanks sweet girl.” Kayla kissed the top of her niece’s head.
Natasha walked in, a towel slung around her shoulders. “How’re you feeling today, KJ?” She asked, rubbing her shoulder, her hand still wrapped in tape from her workout.
“Still the same.” Kayla sighed, taking a bite of celery with her scrambled eggs on top. “Getting real tired of this morning sickness bullshit though.”
“The first few months are the worst.” Sabine sympathized. “But, it does taper off around the second trimester. Least for me, it did.”
Steve slid a mug of warm tea beside Kayla’s plate, “Here. Haley said this would help with the nausea.”
Kayla smiled softly and took the mug between her hands, “Thanks.”
Natasha leaned over her shoulder, “I know it may not seem like it yet, but things will get better.” She assured, kissing the side of Kayla’s head.
“Nat’s right.” Sabine agreed, kissing her sister’s cheek. “Remember Kay, you’re surrounded by people who love you. That’s something I didn’t have.”
Kyla walked around the kitchen island and poured a glass of orange juice, handing it to her aunt before climbing onto the stool next to her mother. “Whatever you need auntie Kayla.” She smiled.
Kayla took a sip of the juice, setting the cup by her plate. “I appreciate all this you guys, really.” She held onto the dog tags that still hung around her neck, her other hand resting over her still-flat stomach. “I know I’m lucky…that we’re lucky.” She glanced down at her stomach, her brain still processing that she even was a we now.
Steve let out a sigh, “But there’s always gonna be that feeling that something is missing.” He finished her thought. “I know, Kayla. But, you’re never gonna forget him. Neither will I. And when this baby is born, we’ll tell him or her about the man their father was. The man we both loved.”
Kayla took another swig of her juice, her hazel eyes glistening. “You’ll have more stories to tell than I do.” She chuckled weakly, crunching another bite of celery and eggs.
“You’re right.” Steve agreed with a warm smile. “This child will know exactly who their father was. And I’ll make sure they never forget him.”
Kayla jumped off her stool and ran around the counter to hug him, burying her face in his chest. Her shoulders shook, tears rolling down her cheeks.
Steve rubbed her back, holding her tight, like a brother comforting his sister. He kissed the top of her head. “You’re gonna be okay, Kayla.”
Kayla pulled back suddenly, her hand immediately flying to her mouth. She spun on her heels and ran out of the kitchen towards the locker rooms. She collapsed on her knees, retching into the toilet.
Natasha and Sabine were there the next second, the redhead holding her hair back. “Easy KJ.” She soothed, rubbing her back.
Sabine grabbed a washcloth and soaked it with cold water, ringing it out. When Kayla finally caught her breath, she handed her the cool cloth, “There ya go sis.”
“Thanks.” Kayla coughed, dabbing the back of her neck with the washcloth, slamming her hand over the flush handle.
Natasha and Sabine helped her to her feet, steadying her when she swayed. “I’ll run to your room and draw a bath for you, okay?” Natasha brushed some hair behind Kayla’s ear, kissing her temple before walking out.
“I wanna help.” Kyla called out, following Nat down the hall.
Sabine continued dabbing Kayla’s neck while she brushed her teeth. “You said a few months of this?” She groaned, spitting out her mouthwash.
“Sadly, yes.” The blonde nodded. “But you’ll be fine. Your big sister isn’t going anywhere.”
Kayla laid her head on Sabine’s shoulder, leaning into her sister’s embrace. “Thanks Beenie.” She murmured. “I’m just sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
“It’s okay.” Sabine kissed her forehead. “You were safe. Far from HYDRA’s reach. That’s all that mattered.” She ran her hand over her sister’s hair. “Now…let’s get you to your room. I’m gonna run out for a few things, you need anything?”
“More celery and spinach artichoke dip?” Kayla asked, walking down the hall with Sabine, her head still on her shoulder. “And some pretzels too.”
“Pregnancy cravings?” The blonde quirked her brow, to which her sister nodded. “You got it. My go to cravings when I was pregnant with Kyla were strawberries and cottage cheese.”
“Oh, so gross.” Kayla recoiled, both sisters sharing a laugh.
