Dear Journal (written during the day while worrying about Dog, before texting Darcy for help)
That's what I'm supposed to write, right? Some of the stories I've read getting ready for that stupid GED I skipped (I can always try some other time) said that people with a lot on their minds would do this.
A little notebook. Dear Diary, or Dear Journal. The date. Things that bother them. I think it's supposed to make a person feel less alone.
Me? I know about being alone. Even when I was leading the Scavengers I was mostly alone. Sure, they looked up to me, some of the older ones sort of looked out for me - but it was lonely. And I got used to it. Being alone has been my default setting, I think is the term, since Dad died. Even before that it was pretty lonely, I was one of maybe three kids, after all, and the others didn't want anything to do with the leader's son.
Then I was Hawkeye, and that meant I had to stay set apart. To lead, to be the last Avenger and keep the Scavengers safe while trying to figure out how to bring down Ultron. How to survive in Ultra City.
It was kinda cool when the others showed up - even if at first it really made me angry more than anything. Angry that they'd had each other all this time, had peace, when I didn't.
Anger, Jealousy - it's kinda the same thing a lot of the time, isn't it?
And then Torunn said I should stay here, when I'd finally made it back home. They'd thought me dead for months and moved on.
So I came here, why would I stay where I wasn't needed? The Scavengers had already disbanded, taking back the city, the country. . . there were probably relief things going on from some of the countries that Ultron hadn't gotten under its thumb yet, I guess.
Meeting Dad, here. . . It was amazing. I mean, I knew that he wasn't the same guy who'd raised me, he'd taken a left instead of a right some point in his past, but he was still Dad, y'know? For the first time in years I had someone who looked out for me for me. Not just because I was the key to keeping everything safe or whatever.
He gave me a freakin' curfew, and schoolwork, and it was like nothing and everything I wish I'd had growing up. Denis kept taking me on trips around the city, showing me places, even if he's all stoic and stuff - and James is something else all together. He's kinda awesome when you need to lighten up.
And Darcy makes me feel like I want to impress someone, again. I mean, granted, the woman's hot in ways that should be illegal, and the sass is awesome. But since I've been working with her. . . I kinda wanna hold her. Like when we watched that movie. Hold her and forget that I was told to leave, and pretend that I'm wanted.
That's the stupid thing. I know they want me around. I know Agent C. doesn't just want me around because I helped when Denis needed saving. I know that Dad didn't just want me around because... well, I can't think of any reason he'd have wanted me around. But he got us a new place, so I could have my own space - so I guess on some level he did. I know he stopped doing such dangerous merc work for a while... then he joined the army.
I guess that's a good thing. He's doing legal work, and most of it's stateside so I guess there's probably less killing involved. He's not too far away, but it may as well be on the other side of the planet.
I don't feel comfortable going to visit him on base, it's so... it's too much like how my life's been before now - and part of me really wants to forget the blood I have on my hands.
I never had that before. Sometimes I still have nightmares about it. By sometimes, I mean, all the time. I don't know how Dad and Denis and, well, any of them manage it. I really don't think any of them understand just how precious life really is. Human life.
There wasn't a lot of that where I came from.
It gets really overwhelming sometimes. I like working for Darcy because for all the humanity that are around, the diner can only hold so much. So it's smaller doses. It's easier.
Sometimes I wander around at night, keep something on me for safety, so many people are so stupid when it comes to human life. I wonder what that Ronin guy's up to. . . .
Dog's sick. Vet said it's gonna be okay, but. . . Dog's been there since I came through that window, and. I've never been so alone. Even if I was alone, lonely, back home - there were always at least a few people around. There wasn't a lot of privacy. There was always someone nearby. It's weird being the only person at home.
I don't think I can take it if I'm the only one breathing here, too.
