#depression days

[gloomshine41]

RU:

Через три дня начнётся сентябрь, мне от этого становиться все больше грустнее и больнее я не отдохнул я медленно выгорал. Я нечего не понимаю кто и что все становится не понятным, как будто и не было каникул, растерялись навыки жаль упущенные возможности

EN:

In three days, September will begin, it makes me feel sadder and more painful, I did not rest, I slowly burned out. I don't understand who and that everything becomes incomprehensible, as if there were no vacations, lost skills, sorry for the missed opportunities

[nicistrying]

I FEEL BETTER TODAY!!

Honestly not quite sure why or what helped, which is annoying. I woke up feeling awful and thinking today was going to be no different from Monday and Tuesday, had no appetite as usual so tried to skip breakfast but Matthew toasted me a bagel since it's about the only thing he knows I'll probably eat if he puts it in front of me. He did his mam's trick of slathering loads of butter onto it to get extra calories into me - she does that with his younger brother when he's being particularly picky with his food. I nearly cried tbh, he's so so sweet to me. I cheered up when we were just talking over breakfast and finally psyched myself up for a workout. I made it a full body session since I'm working long days Thursday and Friday and we're going camping at the weekend so I won't have time to do structured workouts again until next week. Soooo I did this workout and really enjoyed it and felt like myself which was awesome! I even worked in some chin ups and managed 5 reps which was such a boost! I also did sets of 10 reps of 10kg reverse rows where I would usually do 8!

We went out for our walk and my mood dipped a bit but I felt okay by the time we got home. We had lunch, Matthew went to work and I sat outside on the back steps to call my nanna but she didn't pick up, so instead I allowed myself an hour to read my book and enjoy it and romanticise the hell out of it rather than it being a depression activity or a distraction as I had been treating it the past 2 days. It made such a difference to remember it was an act of self care (absolutely recommend Mother Mother btw, I struggle to put it down)

Nanna hadn't called me back by 3pm so I went back inside and started doing all the housework I've been putting off since last week. I deep cleaned the bathroom and kitchen, dusted every surface in the flat, vaccumed and washed the floors, reorganised the spare room and a few cupboards that were getting out of hand. And I feel soooo much better for it. It's also kept me active until 7pm so now I only have an hour or so until Matthew gets home. I've had my music on all day and I think it helped give me something to focus on mentally instead of just overthinking about social / work stuff. I've had an awesome soundtrack! The only thing I didn't do today was reply to messages, which I feel really crappy about but I did do a lot of other stuff so I'm trying not to beat myself up about it. They know it was probably mental health related why I didn't reply and they're used to it by now and they're patient with me so I don't need to feel too guilty.

Aaaand now I'm chilling, colouring in, and catching up on tumblr stuff. So @zombie-apocalypse-training asked to see our favourite mugs and these are mine! A flamingo mug my best friend got me a couple of years ago, and a giant soup mug with whales on it that I bought in Paris for Matthew.

And a selfie for @therambl3r - thank you for tagging me 🤗

Sorry this was so long. Thought I'd just do everything in one post so as not to bombard everyone's dash 😬

[butyouvealwaysbeenthecaretaker]

See, if I got a collectable doll nothing would hurt any more. I could make up a story about how my doll was a cool person to make up for the fact I do nothing and am nothing and go nowhere; and I could make it fantastic clothes and unusual furniture and props and a little home; and it could do all the things of life that i can not; I could lose myself in an imagined body, and imagined world. And I would create a little corner of everything which would be beautiful and manageable.

[just-a-touch-of-sass-and-fandoms]

If you’ve been stuck in a deep rut, haven’t left your bed, haven’t changed your clothes, haven’t showered, and you can’t remember the last time you did any of those......turn on a hot shower and just stand there

You don’t have to use soap

You don’t have to even open your eyes

Just let the water wash over you

Dry yourself off, crawl back in bed with even just a towel on, and know that you did at least one piece of self care

Maybe you’ll grab that soap, or brush your hair, or brush your teeth, or change your clothes. But that’s not important

What’s important is you did one piece of self care all on your own and you can be damn proud of that

[shadow-daughter]

I know it’s just the seasonal depression. We go through this cycle every year- up up up in the morning, when there’s sunlight coming in through my window and the vitamin D pills are just hitting my system- then down, down, down in the afternoon, until I just want to curl up in my chair and cry because I’m so fucking tired.

In the mornings, I can cling onto the things that make me feel good- my sister, my brother-in-law, drinking tea with them and talking to them. Going outside and wiggling my toes in the grass and reveling in feeling everything living and resting. Letting the cold wash over me, a relief from the constant heat. Checking over my snakes, watching them be cute- even doing the cofee for my father in the mornings is a semblance of routine that makes me feel secure, a few minutes that are still mine, before the rest of the world really wakes up.

But then the day gets older, and those moments trickle from my grasp like sands in the hourglass. My sister and her husband return to their room to start their days- the rest of the world wakes up, and now I’m too anxious to go outside. Now the day begins, and I’m lonely, and know that if I settle in to do something, my father is going to interrupt to either have me do something that he could do in five minutes, or to have me get my sister so he can make her do it. And I’m just tired.

I know that I’ll feel better in the spring. That while things won’t necessarily change, at least my body won’t be fueling into the despair so actively.

But right now...

I’m just tired.

[butyouvealwaysbeenthecaretaker]

What would be great is if I could stop hating myself for about five minutes so I could get something done; I can’t connect with a place of caring, for myself or others, and it’s hard to work out if it’s gone or was never there or it’s just gone quiet for a while, but it is apparently impossible to find the strength to do things without it

[butyouvealwaysbeenthecaretaker]

Stress level: 2 weeks ago a good friend asked for folk horror recommendations, and I still haven't got back to them, partly due to wanting to hide, mostly because - despite rare folk horror being my thing - I can't think of any of the ones I've seen, my brain is so mushy

[butyouvealwaysbeenthecaretaker]

My body hates me; it’s been three days since I left bed and I’ve spent all that time online. I’m creating new knots in places I didn’t even know there could be pain. But it’s making me even, because I hate it.