#depressive state

[colorsoflaces]

feels as though i am wading through knee high water with every step i take. the act of existing is tiring, it takes all of my energy just to go through the motions.

it feels like right now i am barely staying afloat and everything that happens around me is like having my head dunked under the water.

i know i can’t sustain this, i’m just trying to survive without a chance to rest, but you can only stay afloat for so long before your body gives up and you drown.

[massacre-girlypop]

Hate it when people say “You only like fictional characters or OC’s. Why not have a crush on real people?” Here, I have a comprehensive list of reasons:

When real people are there for me in the true depths of my sorrow, when I’ve hit true rock bottom.

When real people genuinely care for my emotions and feelings.

When real people don’t want me dead just for existing.

When real people break down the walls I build to make me feel truly happy.

When real people willfully want my friendship.

When real people stop attempting to exploit and take advantage of their relationship with me.

When real people aren’t excessively flaky.

When real people don’t run away when I show some actual emotions for once.

When real people stop treating me like I exist for their benefit

Humans have treated me like a tool and a stepping stone for years and I’m sick and fucking tired of it. You want to know why I don’t have friends?!? Because no one has shown they deserve that right!

I have been there for EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY FRIENDS and done my best to be there when they needed me, but when it came down to it, EVERYONE refused to do the same for me.

Fictional characters don’t do that.

[thatvoicethatlingers]

What I've learn today:

I'm a horrible daughter

I'm very selfish.

I have an ego problem.

Pretty much everything my little voice in my head has been telling me my whole life.

[victorylighthill]

That weird phase of depression where you're in a terrible mood and nothing has any value or point but you're somehow still getting shit done just by sheer momentum or whatever

[emilator2010]

I never want to leave my bed again

That may or may not be my depression talking, it could actually just be PMS but that's, not the point.

[colorsoflaces]

i say i’m making cries for help, but i don’t know what i’m asking for, what kind of help i’m even expecting to receive.

but just because i don’t know what help i need it doesn’t make all the missed cries hurt any less.

is me suffering just the standard. in one conversation i said how my days were dragging, that i felt like i was drowning, that i couldn’t process what was happening around me, that i am in the midst of a serious depression episode.

it was all laughed off, when you said it wasn’t a big deal that i was drowning i said oh then i need a stronger metaphor and the moment just passed

i don’t think it’s worth trying to continue with the cries anymore

[colorsoflaces]

when things initially started to get bad again it was easy to say it was external stress, i was in my senior year of college and has shit happening at home and with friends, it all felt like normal reasons to slip. surely once i graduate and begin working this rough patch will be over.

but it didn’t, every day is a blur, i can barely tell most days apart from the past seven months, god i wouldn’t have even said it’s been seven months it’s simultaneously felt like a lifetime but also no time at all.

everything should be fine, i graduated, i got a job in the industry i wanted to work in, but it wasn’t.

at first i thought that the lingering issue was losing my independence, i had spent the last two years living on my own, with the freedom to move and do as i wanted. and then suddenly i was back to living in my parents house, having lost all that freedom.

so many things about being back in my parents house has made me feel like that trapped teenager who had no where to go when every stable thing around me came crashing in.

when i began to think well what is my long term goal, this job i currently have was only ever meant to be a stepping stone afterall. i realized i didn’t know what to do, what i wanted to do, where i wanted to go next. instead of feeling like i was planning my future it felt more like i was planning to run away, writing an escape plan not a five year plan.

i am happy with the work im doing, im working in the industry i dreamed of working in. so then why does getting out of bed, brushing my teeth, getting dressed and ready for the day take everything out of me. by the time im sitting in the driveway ready to leave to start my day im already exhausted. the act of staying alive is taking all of my energy.

i know life isn’t easy but it shouldn’t be this hard.

is this all i have to look forward to, the crushing weight of existing even in a job i enjoy, having my days bleed together so much to the point ive lost my sense of time, being unable to look forward and plan it out

i don’t want to die, as bad as things are i wouldn’t say im suicidal, even the thoughts of slipping back into cutting are more anxiety inducing than appealing.

i just don’t know how i can try and look forward when it’s taking everything to keep going. im running an endless race, no goal markers along the way, nothing to work towards, but my legs are ready to give out from under me any moment

i don’t know what im doing all this for. i have no goals and no reason to keep going, and im scared that eventually it will get worse, but i dont know how to stop running

[sarahgarlits]

Depressive State

In the past three weeks, I found myself off my usual routine and triggered into a depressive state. It was a challenging time where I struggled to take care of myself properly. Daily tasks like showering, eating nutritious meals, and keeping up with cleaning my apartment fell by the wayside. However, I’m happy to report that today marks a turning point. I’ve made some positive changes and I’m…

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