Ik was Alice - Melanie Benjamin
Alice I Have Been
Before I say anything else, I'd like to point out that this book is historical fiction. Fiction.
This means I'm aware that this book isn't 100% factually correct, and it also means that it doesn't have to be. If you want to read a book that is only facts, read a biography. I've seen too many people complain about things that were wrong or made up to not mention this. This review also contains spoilers.
I have so much to say about this book, I apologize for the length of this review.
This book left a huge impression on me, and it's been on my mind constantly since I started reading it. I hadn't intended to finish the book last night when I noticed it was 10pm already and I hadn't read a word yet, but I ended up finishing it anyway as I just could not put it down. The writing is just incredibly good; and I'm saying that about a translation. I cried twice, which is not something I do easily and which is something I definitely did not expect to happen when I picked up this book.
My expectations were simple: Was Carroll really the pervert/paedophile people on the internet make him out to be? How did everything affect Alice?
I discovered Alice was based on an actual Alice when I read the comments about Carroll, and it intrigued me. When a few days later at work (I work at the library) I came across this book, it felt like fate. I read it immediately after Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass, and I'm glad I did. I think that if I read it the other way around it would have altered my opinion. I want to reread them now with the new knowledge, but I'm in no hurry.
Please note that I am talking about this book and its story as if it were the truth. It just makes it a whole lot easier, but know I am aware of the differences.
I don't know where I stand on Dodgson. I started off feeling incredibly uncomfortable whenever he was around Alice, and how Melanie wrote Alice's thoughts. The photo and how it was taken didn't help matters. But as I read on, and Alice grew older, I started to realize that times were different back then. You can't read this book and judge it by 21st century standards. Rumor has it Dodgson asked for Alice's hand, but nothing has been confirmed, so we don't know. The book also doesn't give an answer to that, but if Alice was 14 or 15 at the time, that would have been perfectly acceptable. And Alice certainly really liked him back, even loved him in her own childlike way. She asked him to wait for her. However, if he asked for her hand when she was younger, that is just not okay. Nor is the creepiness when she was 7, which is the age she always stayed in his mind. To me it's a very dubious situation, which isn't as black and white as people would have you believe.
Technically, he never did anything wrong. Technically. There is a moment at the end where Alice remembers a fateful day in the train, where she kissed him. Should he have pulled away immediately? Probably. But the point of the matter is that she kissed him and not the other way around. In this book, Alice is more of an instigator than Dodgson ever was.
Now, I don't know much about facts, to be honest, and I've read loads of contradicting things. One says the family broke with Dodgson, others say they reconnected after the book came out. This book keeps them apart, which adds to the story, and which in my opinion makes more sense. Melanie incorporated that wonderfully in the story, having Alice look back as she grows older. Said book however, would never have seen the light of day if Alice hadn't insisted on Dodgson writing it down. So no matter where you stand on their relationship, it brought forward an amazing story.
I would have loved to see her collection of first editions of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, though!
This book focuses on more than just the friendship between these two. After the break, Alice finds herself falling in love with the Prince of Wales; Leopold, who is in turn, falling in love with her as well. I loved this storyline so much, and it broke my heart when the inevitable happened. I heard stories that they didn't even like each other, but I think they were at least friends. Why else would they both name one of their children after the other? Why else would he send her a wedding gift? They must have made a huge impact on each other.
The final part of the book focuses on Alice when she's 'old'. She's married, has three sons, and loses two of them to the Great War. Honestly, she has been through a lot, and it's inspiring to see how she never gave up. In that way, she is exactly like the little Alice we know. I truly felt for her at times.
One small thing that I really enjoyed was when she met the 'real Peter Pan'. Once again I had no idea he was based on a real person, but them meeting is just something so out of this world, that I couldn't help but smile. When I read that Peter committed suicide later in life, after learning he didn't like being the real Peter, and wondered how Alice had done it for so long, my heart broke. There is definitely a downside to these kinds of things that we usually don't think about, don't realize.
I would definitely recommend this book if you are capable of keeping in mind this is historical fiction, and wouldn't mind possibly ending up viewing Alice in Wonderland differently while learning more about her and her life. Otherwise, I'd urge you to skip this one.
