Draught Punk Predicts 2015
At DP HQ we fancy ourselves as not only trendsetters, but trend predictors. And as we give 2014 the double bird along with so many boring cream ales and highly anticipated yet nonstarter follow up records, we have begun to set our slightly blurred gaze upon the oh so bright and promising 2015 horizon. So take notes, Punklings, we’re as sure as shit the truths in the following paragraphs will take hold in the coming 12 months, or we’ll at least do our best to make them facts.
1 | Canned Sours
Cans were so 2012, sours so 2013, innovation so 2014, so obviously canned sours will be so 2015. Pluses: not even the craftiest of breweries can manipulate our American born idea that cans=cheap and thus the sour price pendulum may swing back to a more reasonable fucking place, it may expose more idiots to the lushness of well made sours (but do they really need to know that?), and provide a more reasonable amount of the splendid tart nectar for a single session. Minuses: Unfortunately for most breweries, sours are still a mixed bag, so you could end up with six duds instead of just the one, some beers are just better with proper packaging and presentation although all the the greatness cans are, they just aren’t that. And we foresee a lot of drain pours from confused, under educated, over zealous craft toe dippers. -Chris
2 | Suburban Breweries
Just like so many mid-30s-stay-at-home-moms, several new brewers’ eyes are caught by the unreal $-to-sqft opportunities found outside of our craft urban meccas. Being hip is overrated, and if you can swallow a little longer commute and a strip center address, opening up a brewery out of town is a no brainer. So what if you share walls with a tanning salon and a Subway, you’re living your dream of crafting mediocre beers for the craft fat (see below) dads who are just as dead inside as you soon will be. Oh, but those sweet sweet suburban city incentives will surely dull the constant reminder that you have compromised. But then again, it’s still probably better than your day job was. -Chris
3 | Craft Backlash
Its inevitable. And it happens in 2015. With the escalating projection of 4000+ breweries and brewpubs in the US, the scramble for available ingredients (including elusive hops and a poor barley crop) will actualize into two major problems for the beer industry: high prices and poorly developed beer. As competition increases triplefold for the freshest and edgiest hops, brewers who can and will spring for them will certainly be forced to pass off the overhead to the consumer. Unlucky brewers will be forced to learn the ropes with finicky or less appealing ingredients, while still being forced to pass off a premium price to the consumer, ultimately alienating a vocal audience who finds the value of other disposable items on their wish lists more important than craft beer. -Eric
4 | Flagship Army
About the only thing that can take down this massive culling of craft beer supporters and superfans (besides the cost of beer) is a renegade fleet of Beer Advocate-ish idiots, unaware of their lots in life to chug Code Red Mountain Dew and master Microsoft Flight Simulators. Look folks, the rarities just ain’t gonna help keep the lights on, other than to build buzz for a developing brewery — and in addition to that, looking for rarities in the wild without some sort of distributor hook-up or store clerk connection is a fucking nightmare. Our prediction is that craft beer enthusiasts will return to establishing their fandom by buying brewery mainstays en masse, invoking a bit of a resistance towards taking a long lunch to hunt the least obtainable beerstuff. -Eric
5 | Taproom is the New Bar
This prediction is more so for our localized region of Austin/TX. It’s sort of a no brainer, and obvious in more beer progressive states, but our cavemen passing as legislature have finally come around to realize that breweries are not the fast track pathway to hell they once believed and that a locally well produced product in a hot market is actually great for our state’s economy. So as we witnessed tasting rooms expanding their hours and days open in 2014, we believe that the savvy craft consumers are and will continue to firmly plant ass in seat and bend elbow at brewery tasting rooms more and more in 2015. -Chris
6 | Craftsexual
While we are predicting a bit of a craft beer backlash from a general audience, the more drastic fans of the culture will adopt an entire lifestyle devoted to 100+ IBUs and whiskey barrel aging. A craftsexual man will have a calculated look of heavy-haired ruggedness, rubber boots, and overalls, as if to suggest a recent brewing session, and the women will look the same but with better beards. Craftsexuals will only date other craftsexuals or drink a beer made out of a puncture-capable can brewed within a 150 mile radius of their current location. -Eric
7 | Brewers will not wear beards
Fearing the chance of being mistaken for a Craftsexual or Hopster, rather than an actual professional, expect to see brewers move to a cleaner look in 2015. - Eric
8 | Brewery playgrounds
As the laborers in the brewing industry age towards the fertility stage, so too will their progeny develop into manic toddlers. In response to the beerbaby boom, breweries will begin establishing themselves as family-friendly destinations, similar to the wave of acceptance seen in Las Vegas in the mid-90s. Expect this trend to evolve until the teenage years, when adolescents of such ilk are doted on far less than cute three year olds in Funkworks tees. At this point, breweries will return to their more natural, adult-oriented functionality, just as Vegas did in the Mid-00’s. -Eric
9 | Craft Fat
Don’t kid yourself. We all know as you expand your palate, you are exponentially expanding your waistline. Every 50 check ins on Untappd is another belt eye hole lost to the ethers. And as activities like craft beer paired with disc golf, or craft beer paired with cycling begin to lose foothold to just craft beer paired with more craft, our BMI’s are growing as fast as the craft scene in general. Justy give in, take down those Twitter and Facebook profile pics from 25 pounds ago and embrace your (much more robust) self in 2015. Or you know, cut out those lunch beers and go for a fucking walk every once in a while. YOLO! -Chris
10 | The W(hatever)TF Pack
If the breweries won’t give us (exactly) what we want, well, we as consumers are just gonna take it. Well, we’ll buy it first, THEN TAKE IT! Beer stores are inching towards allowing their customers to personalize their own packs by offering singles from any sixer in the store. This is not a new concept, as more beer-established states have been offering this service of liberty for years (Big10! Big10! Big10!). Brewers will eventually take note and do some flagship mixpacks of their own at the brewery — even customizing portions, such as the 3-pack for single dads and 100 packs for Tinder users. -Eric
11 | Dethroning the Old Guard (The Top Five craft beer producers)
All heros die. As the years stack up behind us since we first went craft, we find ourselves going back to those old entry point stalwarts less and less. It’s not that their quality has diminished, just that as the scene is becoming more and more nimble, and our fickle palates demand more and more, the large behemoths that once had the market penetration to peak our interest on the Applebees’ menu, now just don’t cut the mustard. Sure, they’re trying their best to stay cool, but like Coldplay, the Strokes, the White Stripes, and even Radiohead, we’re just not interested anymore. And as they make these embarrassing public attempts to stay relevant, they only serve to garner our silent pity but not our wallets or sobriety. Thanks for all you’ve done, but it’s not you, it’s me. -Chris
