After Drew escorted me home, he gave the property a careful once over and walked me to the front door. He said something about not wanting anything happening to me until he secured that raise, but he had that signature 'put me at ease' smile and twinkle in his eye.
The whole staff has never once brought up Daniel's absence--after I made my one and only announcement. They've helped pick up slack when they could and stuck with the company through all the different adjustments--even when they should have probably jumped ship. Though Drew, one of the few employees that has been around the longest--for almost ten years in fact--has seen me when all the others have gone home...when I'm less Ms. Larusso: The Boss and more Amanda: Single Mother, working those late nights after the kids are in bed...just trying to keep things on an even keel. Through all my up and downs, through all my neuroses and mood changes...he's been one of the few constants that I've come to depend on. So, when he insisted on waiting outside until I set the alarm, I took the comfort...knowing it was one thing I didn't have to worry about.
Once inside, I found Sam sound asleep on the couch. As sweet a visual as it was, knowing that she had waited up for me, it just seemed to drive home how much I've screwed up lately. Watching the movie the other night, almost felt like she was only keeping things as normal as possible for Anthony. Dealing with all of the changes in moods and circumstances--in the house, as well as out--has been as easy going as navigating a minefield. One day, she's helping me with dinner and I think things are turning around the corner. The next, she's giving me the cold shoulder and I flashback to the blow up in the kitchen. I hate that she's felt so stuck in the middle of everything...I hate even more that I've had any part in causing her pain.
I cover her up, not wanting to wake her. (Don't want to risk knowing what she would say if she was awake, huh? Can't I just keep a nice moment without you yammering?) I kick off my shoes and curl up on the other end of the couch, trying not to think about what all happened tonight. But since when have I ever been able to keep what I wanted? I had nightmares for the rest of the night...reminding me just how tangled up I've been, caught in the whirlwind they call Johnny.
In one nightmare, all the kids were grown up at different times in their lives. Anthony was in jail for hacking...Samantha was way too comfortably drunk in some sleazy bar...and Robby was in a coma after an overdose. They were all staring at me asking me 'where were you?'
In another, Daniel was still around, but he had full control over the company, the kids lived with him at the house and...oh, look, there was Johnny in the backyard barbeque-ing with Daniel and the kids having the time of their lives.
Daniel made another appearance in the last one, too. He kept pointing out certain clues, that it was all going downhill...telling me it was all my fault...for not seeing it sooner...for not listening to everyone's warnings. Telling me that it was inevitable...that it would never have worked out with Johnny, for the same reason that it would have never truly worked out with him in the end. For the same reason that any of my relationships have ended. Everyone has taken from me what they wanted...what they needed...and then left, to go on about their lives. It doesn't matter that I've worked hard not to be the careless screw up, that I used to be. It doesn't matter that I've grown to be responsible and respectable and someone that people can count on...someone that they can turn to when they need help. I'm just not worth the long run.
The whole time, Nightmare Daniel was wearing a Good Humor Man uniform and handing out ice cream to anyone and everyone walking by. He even started cackling, when I asked for a cone and he was all out. I woke up nearly screaming, calling him a choice name or two...which in turn, was just enough to wake up Samantha.
Her scrunched face told me that she didn't exactly hear what I said, so much as she was upset that I woke her up. Either she forgot why she was out on the couch or she was just too tired to care anymore, because she was half asleep again as she made her way back upstairs. Needless to say, I wasn't going to be getting sleep any time soon. The sun would be up in less than an hour, might as well start the coffee.
The next couple days, I tried to forget everything, tried a clean sweep and fresh start...starting with a certain picture sitting on my bedside table--in a brand new frame. It hurt to look at it, remembering all the hope I had when I put it there, that seemed so ridiculous now...it didn't feel right to trash or destroy it, either...it wasn't even mine to begin with. So, I put it in the garage. I contemplated deleting Johnny from my contacts, but bits and parts of the fight kept running in my mind every time I tried. Paired with my nightmares, I started to wonder if Johnny was right all along. Was I just transferring my hurt over Daniel and need for love and comfort to him? Was that fight so painful, because I never got to have one with Daniel? Was that fight really about Johnny at all or have I been putting undue pressure on him...making him jump through crazy hoops, that he's just not ready for...to be all I ever wanted and needed my whole life...because all my other relationships have ended so horribly? Is this all my fault?
I've really have lost myself lately. Then again, does anyone really expect to fall down the rabbit hole?
Trying a different tactic, last night--I couldn't sleep (I can't imagine why)--I got on my laptop. Maybe I'd find that Ali had posted one of those wonderful recipes again and I could try a little late night culinary experimenting. Maybe I'd finally figure out all those games Anthony used to send me notifications for. ANYTHING to keep my mind busy enough and trick it into a sound sleep.
NOPE.
There wasn't all that much activity on Robby's page, since everything blew up. Among several memes--that were to be expected, but difficult to get through--there was one short, little interaction that looked promising for the Lawrence boys' reconciliation, yet was blown out of the water by the only new conversation. (God, why do I do this to myself?) No matter how I felt about Johnny, I hurt for both of them and felt guilty all over again.
But still, there wasn't any sign of what the underlying problem was--this go-a-round. I had to do something, the inaction was eating me and it wasn't like I was anywhere near sleep anyway. So, I was stupid enough to get stuck scrolling through the old conversations. (Seriously thinking you should look up 'masochist' in the dictionary. Yeah, well...I paid for it didn't I?) I ended up crying myself to sleep again.
Today around lunch time, I checked again. Nothing...so, I continued scrolling. (I know, I have a problem. And it's kinda a little creepy, too, don't you think? My point exactly, I haven't really been thinking clearly at all.) I was lucky when a random post popped up and it so happened, that it was one I had missed. (There must be a lot from when I was swamped at work. Oh, yeah, not that you were distancing yourself from the pain at all, either. Hey, two birds...one stone.) Anyway, the post seemed to be a more happier one, than the ones of late. Robby was actually teasing Johnny, and...it was hilarious! It really caught me off guard. Apparently, Pete had snapped a photo of Johnny grinning like a loon in his sleep. You can imagine all the jokes around that one.
The joviality didn't last long, though, as it was followed with the usual suspects: regret and longing, which then turned the corner and slid right back into home plate with the crazy cornucopia of crapiness, I'd been been feeling for the last couple days.
I have no idea how I'm going to get out of this one.
Trae Crowder AKA the Liberal Redneck and the WellRED banner that includes comedians Corey Forrester and Drew Morgan might have just scored their own show. They and writer Andrew Reich have just sold a comedy about three friends from the sticks in the South (ostensibly, we’re guessing it’s a semi-autobiographical single camera comedy).
It does seem as though networks are aiming for sitcoms that will appeal across the country and the aisle and maybe Crowder, Forrester, and Morgan are the ones to make that happen.
