There's this misconception that people with ASPD never seek treatment on their own, but that's simply not true.
What made you seek out therapy? Were there any specific symtoms you wanted help treating? And would you be willing to share information about other ASPDs you know that also sought out treatment on their own?
A major issue with pwASPD is the distrust we have about authorities, therapists, and people who claim to help us. Our disorder is strongly affected by hostility and broken trust, often by caretakers or parents. It is only natural that we are cautious to seek therapy on our own.
After getting institutionalized - something I am transparent about in my webseries - I avoided everything related to a psychologist or similar like a devil avoids holy water.
Our distrust, , after we have been tricked, abused, or our trust been betrayed is low, and so many pwASPD only get their diagnosis after legal intervention. Accordingly, the number of pwASPD who are forced for psychological treatment is much higher than among people with another diagnosis.
Additionally the diagnosis often feels more like a label stamped on your forehead in order to dehumanize you, rather than the diagnosis for a cureable illness. It is as if people - even professionals - are more invested in "identifying us" than helping us. Our suspicion about therapeutic means seem to be justified. Not always, but often and a few experiences with therapists confirm that.
On the other side, since pwASPD are less likely, also for reasons mentioned above, to seek treatment on their own, many therapists lack experience on how to treat us. However, I would expect a professional how to deal with unusual events within their field, or else they are wrong in their job!
I mention that, because it is true that pwASPD seeking treament does not seem to happen often. Therapists I talked to were always surprised and sometimes I could see the moment they try to hide their shock after they realize what kind of person is seeling their aid. Some people have a rather hostile reaction, others are fascinated. Both reactions are evidence, that it does not happen every day or week.
But what made me - or pwASPD I talked to - seek a therapist? As said above: after I had a lot of therapy sessions as a child, where I was treated with conduct disorder and after all measurements failed to improve my behavior, which ultimately led to me being taken away from a normal public life, I did not want therapy or any of the sorts.
The message I received from my experience was: Something is wrong with me, and whatever it is, it is not accepted. It will lead to me being ostracized or even imprisoned - the worse thing I could imagine. And next time, I may not get out again. No matter if my thoughts were correct or not, this was what I learned at the age of 10. So, naturally, I would do shit to seek a therapist those sole solution to my problems might be to take my freedom away! As a child who loved exploration, this was especially cruel thing to do to me.
So, I put my trust into my new family, who - I think - did a great job at raising me. I think I did not turn out too bad. But they were not professionals. My new mother was interested in psychology and tried to "home therapize" me. I doubt that any therapist at this point could have done it better. But we will never know. No matter my efforts, in the end I fucked that one up as well. We could not get along and her expectations were never met. I began to accept to be a walking moral failure. But at least I had my friends, right? Nope! my friends at the time would also slowly leaving me! So let us start a new life altogether.
You can see already, it took a while until I sought therapy. It was when I had a new friend group. Amazing people I met at university! Originally, I just wanted to have some fun until I move out to another city. I have not expected to stay with any of them. However, I couldn't find an apartment and so I just stayed at my previous university and met with the same people to have fun. Over time I figured out they actually cared about me more than any previous family ever did. Even at a point they figured out what kind of piece of trash I can be occassionally. They still sided with me?!? I get in trouble and they defend me??? Like... ME???
So, I actually found a place where I felt save, people who cared about me, and so I began to trust them. I could trust them because they have proven that I can trust them. I did not believed I can trust them, I KNEW I can trust them, they have showed me multiple times. Aaaaaand then past gets on the fast track. Suddenly, within the club where I am hanging out with my new found family, I got accused of sexual harassment. Almost a cliche, and I am still convinced that I did nothing of the sort. Seriously, it is one of the few things on my list I haven't done so far! So stay away with that accusation please, will ya?
So, I did what every sane person does. Talking about the issue, apologizing, and resolving any misonception about it. You know? like mentally healthy adults. Ah fuck! I forgot that I am not! Of course I begin to panic! Begin to believe that there is a conspiracy against me, accuse the person of sowing discord, and tell them in my frustration they should get the fuck a therapist - oblivious I am about to ride my self into the shitpit. I called my most trusted friends, who tried to calm me down. Impossible! So at some point they told me that I am overreacting but also ensured they will do their best to defend me if things should get serious! In the end, it turns out it was nothing. But I needed "my people" on my side as if I was about to prepare a military conquest. Now the one who feared a conspiracy was actually plotting a conspiracy. I am absolutely not overreacting!
And when the meeting about my indicency arrived, it was really just a "hey someone said you are sometimes transgressing some boundaries. Oh, you did not mean that? I already thought it was just an accident! Please be a bit more careful in the future. We all love ya!"
And I was stunned. I felt like an utter idiot, rightfully. Everything I thought others were doing, everything I found so disgusting and terrible, it was ME doing this? So, when I, in my breakdown, telling the person I thought conspiring against me to seek therapy, I realized I AM the one who needs it. Fuck! I am actually mentally ill... I - need - therapy. Or else, I might lose that new family too.
I do not know what exactly I want to treat. I do not even believe personality disorders can be cured. Especially not since many symptoms exist as long as I remember. But I want tips and tricks how to navigate my disorder in a healthy way, perhaps even turning some symptoms into strengths. By accepting that I am Anti-Social, with suspected NPD/HPD, I also came to realization what kind of shitty future prospect this implies.
I never really thought I was much in trouble. I thought it was just natural occurances here and when. Slacking off at work? Everyone does it, right? Keeping a job never longer than a year? Jobs get boring eventually! A letter from the prosecutor is not something everyone has at least once in their postbox? Oh! Maybe I was just somehow very lucky. Maybe I just avoided some serious trouble by a hair? The prospect for people like me, which I finally began to accept, was scary. Too bad that excitment and anxiety are very much the same thing for me, but I could rationally access that I also should do something about this aspect.
I do not need another experience of withdrawn freedom and a boring room alone! At least my new friends would visit me - yes they already promised - but I would like to, you know, avoid this fate? So two things came to my mind: I want to learn how to be more healthy around people, so I can keep my friends. And I want to learn to avoid situations which could lead to imprisonment. How can I learn to manage my symptoms so I would not lose my friends or my freedom? This is what I want(ed) to be treated.
You see, it was a long way until I actually sought therapy. First, I needed to trust someone, then I needed to find people who seriously cared about me and I can care about them in return. Then I need to realize I am the problem and that I might lose what I hold dear. After accepting to be the problem, by identfying a problem and thenr ealizing this issue applies to me, I finally sought therapy.
And I saw a similar pattern among pwASPD I know. A mutual of mine sought therapy after she engaged with her fiance. She knows she fucks things up over and over again, but this time, she wanted something to stay. She wanted to keep her fiance at all coasts. She already accepted having ASPD long time before, so she did not had to make that step, but she had to realize that having ASPD means she is likely to fuck up the one relationship she really cares about.
Isn't it ironic? We are so often demonized and depicted as inhumane monsters, while what we have in common is that we look for help when we are afraid of losing someone we care about.
The mutual I mentioned also complains about the poor treatment for pwASPD in therapeutic settings. So, sadly, we also share that experience. But what keeps her doing it, is that she receives some excuses for trying. And maybe this is also partly why I am keep trying.
