Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #952
I guess yesterday's activities must have taken a lot more out of me than I thought. I had so many things I wanted to do today. Like playing a game. Cooking gnocchi. Riding my bike, because the weather was cool enough for it. But I somehow ended up doing none of these.
I did, however, get woken from a perfectly sound sleep by a callback from the endocrinology place. I'm not too terribly sad about it, though, because it resulted in an appointment to get checked out, scheduled for very soon. I hope the results turn up something useful.
I tended Momma and the other cats. Momma seems a bit less active today, but she ate her breakfast well; I wonder if her surgery sites are paining her. Or perhaps it's just the rainy weather. It rained heavily on and off all day today, starting around late morning, which... was kinda nice, actually. But also sleepiness inducing.
On the bright side, though, some of the windows were open, and the cool air and the scent of the freshly-fallen rain danced all throughout the house, and it was beautiful. I wish you could have been here, relaxing on some soft surface in my house without a care in the world, breathing it all in. I think you would have liked it a lot.
Shortly after tending to my fuzzy feline children's breakfast, I breathed life into today's wishes:
I took a shower after this, and... despite my best efforts, I did absolutely fucking nothing afterwards, except derp around on the internet and daydream.
...Well, no. That's not entirely true. I did do a bunch of dishes. Fed my fuzzy feline children their lunch. Fought Eigong again, just for fun. Got some sushi...
I enjoyed the scent and sound of the rain, on and off, too. The air in my house really is wonderful right now. It's cool and refreshing and it smells like petrichor, and... I really wish you were here.
…
Maybe it's for the best that today was relatively empty. Yesterday was a lot, and tomorrow, I am having lunch with BB at the tea house, and then going with Atr to attend an organized meditation, and... it's going to be a lot of social, and a lot of transport, and a very long time in an unfamiliar setting, not knowing what to expect or who I'll meet. I'm a little bit scared, actually. But I want to try to be brave; there's something I'm trying to do, something I've been trying to do for 23 years, and... I have to be brave. I have to keep trying. At this point... I don't know what else to do but keep trying.
...Today's letter is... abysmally short. I'm sorry. But... it is somehow becoming late again. And... I'm so tired, for reasons I don't fully understand. I know I need to go to bed, but... it feels like I'm... not even doing anything... haven't done anything... and what even is my excuse for any of it...?
…
I love you so much. Enough to try to choose presence, even when numbing is easier. Enough to keep trying, even on days when I fail miserably at the whole “presence” thing. Enough to keep getting back up and moving forward, even when it feels like my physical vessel is just a waste of skin and bone, and my presence a waste of time. But those are just old thoughts. They're old. I can fight them. I fight them for you, to become a person you could maybe be proud of if you met me. I'd... I'd fight the entire fucking sun for you, if I had to... even knowing I'd lose.
…
I'll write again tomorrow. Until then, I'll keep having faith in your safety, and faith that you're on your way home.
Playing ukelele? (I recently started to learn how to play it) I don't want to annoy my neighbours.
Aaand we can't forget the intrusive thoughts. No matter what I'm doing I just think that I should be studying (even when I'm studying they appear because I'm studying one thing but have so much more to do).
Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #903
Today passed by in kind of a blur, probably because I've got less than 5 hours of sleep. Though I went to bed sometime after 3am, I got my ass up at around 8am.
Y'see, I had a doctor's appointment this morning to check out my blood pressure because it continues to be relatively high. Or rather... it would be if I wasn't so dehydrated (I know... I know... you can lecture me about it later if you want to; in fact, please do). So now, they want me to come back in July and bring my at-home blood pressure machine to compare it to their tools at the facility. Make sure the readings for my at-home machine aren't artificially high.
I went to an interview for the job at the old folks' home after that. My time there was pleasant, and I seemed to get along with the interviewer, who also happened to be the team lead for front desk staff. As I understand it, the schedule is variable by virtue of the fact that I'd be a per diem employee, free to select which days I work. Shifts are 4 hours, and they mostly just involve watching the door. There's a lot of downtime. Perfect for crafting, or perhaps writing to you.
The interview ended with the gentleman saying that he will call my references. I'm hoping that that's true. I guess we'll see.
Not much else occurred today. I mostly stayed home and wandered around in the aether of my thoughts, except for when M went out on an errand. We turned it into a lunch date to his favorite place to eat. So that was pretty cool.
An is having a rough time of it right now. I guess his friend is in enough trouble, mentally and emotionally speaking, that the best thing for her to do right now is move in with him. There are a lot more things that are gonna go along with that, which I'm not gonna write here. I don't know what I can do for him except make sure he eats, so tomorrow, I'm going to pop by the grocery and cook a number of things to bring to him after he's done with work. I'll make things enough for him to put in his freezer, and then he can just eat it whenever.
I think I'll make him salmon with broccoli and mac, and maybe baked chicken legs with asparagus and mashed taters. They are simple things; not too much energy to make. Just gotta get to a grocery.
...Still kinda listless today. I didn't manage to do much other than breathe life into today's wishes:
I don't have a whole lot else to talk about. But I do still have yesterday's pictures to show you:
...That's all I have for you for today, I guess.
...I wonder what is this uneasy feeling...
…
...Maybe I just need to get to sleep. I'm doing a better job of that tonight than on previous nights.
I guess I'll go do that. I wouldn't mind if you maybe watched over me a little in the coming days.
I love you so much, and... I hope you're doing all right out there. I hope you're staying safe. I hope you're staying healthy. I'll try to have faith, against all odds, that you are. I'll have faith that you're on your way home.
