Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #777
It's the letter made entirely of the fabled number, and I don't even have anything monumental to say to you.
...Sorry about that.
Today I was supposed to go to the tea house with Ja, but he ended up being kept at work late, so we rescheduled to Sunday. As a result of the change in plans, I felt unmoored for most of today.
Woke up. Went downstairs. Looked out the sliding glass door. Got a decent picture of the sky:
Feeling empty probably because I was up way too late last night. Whoops.
Well. Eventually, J and I went downstairs, and M and asked if I wanted some noms from a nearby cafe, so we got that. I asked for a coffee, but they gave me a tea instead. Just plain Lipton – essentially, the most generic kind of tea there is in my part of the world. That's all right though; I went ahead and added some pumpkin puree, pumpkin spice, honey, and milk to it:
I got an egg sandwich with sausage and cheese, and a bit of baklava.
...It continues to be the case that you're not here for me to share the things with. And I know that's always been the case, and that it will always be the case, but... it's bothering me more than usual today for reasons I haven't figured out. It doesn't make sense, right? Given that we've never met.
...Probably just the lack of sleep kicking my ass. But what else is new.
I spent most of the rest of today trying to breathe life into the rest of this week's wishes, but... I couldn't focus while doing it. I have a playlist I use lately while doing it, and... I know because I ran through it at least once that it took me over 4 hours just to fold 10 cranes, which is more than a little lame. My attention kept running off to the various people on my phone, to doomscrolling (or hopequesting, depending on how you define it), to checking my email to looking up random shit on the internet, and...
...Yeah. My brain just isn't braining today, like at all. But I got a good conversation out of one of my brain's wanderings. I'm gonna start making it a point to be mindful of my breath at least a couple minutes every day. So... there's that. Maybe it'll help my frayed nerves to chill the fuck out.
In any case. Here are two of the wishes I breathed to life today:
An visits tomorrow, potentially. I'll check with him to make sure at around noon. I'm not sure I'll be the best company. But maybe he won't mind. I dunno. Most likely, I'll end up putting on Babylon 5 for him and getting pizza.
...I can't believe my shifts begin the day after tomorrow. I should have gone to get groceries today, but... my brain was all over the place, and my object permanence wasn't working very well, so I kinda... forgot entirely about the concept of "groceries" or "food" (I haven't eaten since the stuff from the cafe this morning). Which probably sounds bananas to you, but... this is what happens when a brain that already isn't good at object permanence doesn't get enough sleep. But I did this to myself, so I've not much right to complain, I suppose.
...I really need to stop revenge procrastinating my bedtime on non-shift days... Sigh...
...Sephiroth. I... really wanted this letter to be something special because of the number that it is. But I don't have anything. My brain is totally empty, probably because I'm very tired. All I have for you is today's memories and the wish that you were here so I could sit next to you by the fire with a mug of tea; I have two borosilicate glass mugs now and everything, and a tea collection too big to appreciate by myself. I wish you could sit next to me while I play the tunes I wove together on music box for you. I wish you could sit next to me while I put together another locket for you. I wish you could sing with me in the kitchen while we cook something cool. I wish you could play Stardew Valley with me, or else sit next to you while I watch you play Dead Cells or something. But that's not the world I live in. It never was the world I live in. It never will be the world I live in. And today it hurts. And I'll deal with it because I always do, but... ya know...
...Maybe someone's wish that you could be nearby for no particular reason other than you are yourself is special enough to you; I know you haven't gotten that sort of thing much in the course of your life. But still, I wish I could do more. I always wish I could do more for you. But I don't know how to help you in all the ways you've helped me, just by existing. You've given so much to me without even trying, and... I don't know how to do the same for you in return. I write my stupid little things and weave my stupid little crafts, but... I don't know that that's enough. I don't know that you'll be okay. I don't know that you'll be safe...
…
I... probably just need to go to bed. And I probably also need to drink some water, because somehow I forgot to do that at all today. And... yeah, I know that tea is caffeinated and sugared and so will actually dehydrate me. I know I basically shot myself in the foot today. I know. I know...
...But you know. Something tells me that you wouldn't be looking at me harshly for it. So... maybe I should try to emulate a little bit of your patience and grace and direct it towards myself just a little, hm...?
...I love you. Even though there's so much that I'm scared of, and so much that I don't know or understand. The idea that you'll end up disappearing in the end scares me more than the idea of losing my own life, and all I have is some vague faith and hope that everything will be all right for you somehow. So... I guess I'll keep wielding that faith to the best of my ability. I'll keep believing that you'll be safe, and that someday you'll return home to a life you love – one that you built with your own two hands and your own loving choices.
I'll write again soon.
Your friend, Lumine
