Discover Top Posts Tagged with #ever again.

And if I ever get my hands on the other monkeys that ostracized little punch the monkey or the mom that abandoned little punch the monkey it’s so gojover for them

#riv rambles #do NAWTTT be mean to punch the monkey #ever .#EVER again.

ANOTHER post from my august drafts this time from when I was suddenly deciding to talk about my exes 👎

When I say that none of my exes saw me as a person, I mean that the first two genuinely were not at all interested in any of my thoughts or feelings that were not about them. Actually the first person wasn't even interested in that because she was very into Deciding what I thought/felt. (Badly.)

And the last one, who I did not actually date but is still on every level unfortunately An Ex, turned me into a character in their daydreams and tried to turn me into that character. Which was exactly as insane and harrowing as it sounds. They WERE interested in my inner world but they never retained anything I said unless it fit with their fantasy. It was actually really terrifying to say something that Did Not Fit and watch their face go blank and then have them keep talking like I did not say that.

They were also like, their curiosity was extremely insistent, inconsiderate, impatient, and invasive. No matter what I shared it was never Enough because what they actually wanted was for me to have a breakdown they could hold me through and fulfill their fantasy of Saving Me and being Needed by me. So it didn't matter what vulnerable details I shared about my life because I wasn't crying about it, which was the only thing that mattered.

They were a really wonderful, very very dear very very close friend for YEARS before they started using me as a coping mechanism. I trusted them completely. I relied on them so much as a source of consistent joy and close companionship in my life. I can’t tell you about all the times I have desperately needed those two things, in which they were there. There’s a big part of me, a part that I can’t describe that only they could bring out, that now only exists in the now-inaccessible DMs between us. In some of the worst times of my life, I relied on them more than I did anyone. But that was not enough for them, it wasn’t in the way they wanted to be relied on, or wanted to be close with me, so it didn't end up mattering. I don't even know when I lost them, it happened so slowly I didn't understand what they'd done until it was too late to fix it. So obviously that fucked me up real bad. I really can’t express how important they were to me and how much they made my life better before they suddenly started making it worse.

Anyways I’m really into romanticizing/sexualizing my disability IN MY OWN MIND but the second I have the slightest sense that somebody else is getting off on my vulnerability and getting To Take Care Of Me. One million demon horses stomping sick green flames of disgust within my gut. I will die and I will take you with me.

#I don’t like being taken care of. not from most people and not in most ways. I want to be respected and trusted to take care of myself.#and I want to be seen and acknowledged and helped based on an actual understanding and what I ask for. which is often just.#being seen and acknowledged.#I feel so crazy and invisible all the time I need that more than other things.#and I hate. being reassured. I don’t want to be reassured I want to be seen.#my text posts #last paragraph and tags are the new part here which I feel like you can tell. having a different energy here in november #*I edited this again the second to last paragraph is longer now.#I just woke up thinking about them unfortunately. which isn’t. that uncommon. for me.#I can’t reach out to them though. they consistently ignored and crossed my boundaries at the end and afterwards.#which like. ok it’s been a couple years since they last did that now. but. I have no way of knowing if that’s due to growth or lack of #interest. I just can’t trust them again either way.#and anyways I think they might hate me and have every right to. I led them on and the last time they contacted me despite being blocked #it was because something huge and terrible had happened to them. and I ignored them!#because I genuinely didn’t think talking to them would have helped them or been good for either of us.#but it was incredibly cold of me. and I often remember it and hope they finally rightfully hate me so we don’t have to go through this #ever again.#like if that doesn’t demonstrate I’m not the doll they played with in their mind and I never will be I don’t know what will.

I think me and ran would meet after getting out of terrible relationships with awful exes. Both of us believe love is fake by that point. For different reasons but we both believe the only capacity we have in being loved is in what we could provide for others. I believe I'm just something that makes people feel better about themselves, like a trophy to have that you can throw away, and ran believes he'll only be loved as a status symbol. A handsome man with a lot of money that somehow attracts people with no integrity. And we meet by accident entirely. Neither of us are looking for love and definitely not in each other. It starts by us just meeting up to talk and have conversation. We talk about books we like, politics, the latest gossip, and there's an underlying tension whenever we meet up that we both put down to just ease in speaking.

We both always say the other fell first but who knows where it actually started.

#i think ran has a string of terrible exes ngl. he comes out of a relationship broken and bruised and determined never ever to fall in love.#ever again.

Oh.. that's... that's the mimic... that's the mimic in my probably one and only chance for a FNAF game set in the fredbear's family diner era.......................

#no offense to the mimic lovers #but ive never been more UPSET in my LIFE than i am in this moment.#im really scared for them to just fucking blow up the entire original story of fnaf and make it all about the fucking mimic #from the very beginning #im telling u right now if they do that yall will NEVER SEE ME TALK #ABOUT THIS STUPID GAME #EVER AGAIN.#beauspeak

I have people that make me feel comfortable to exist just by existing with me. They know I don’t talk a lot and are fine with it.

I have people that I don’t feel comfortable around and I want to feel comfortable around them. They also know I don’t talk a lot and are fine with it.

And then I have people my mom decided I need to be friends with. I’m uncomfortable around them and will never feel comfortable in their house. She’s mad that bc I didn’t want to go over to their house their mom isn’t messaging my mom anymore.

#homeschooling meant for me if my mom didn’t become besties with the mom or my brother was not liked by the kids i would never see the friend #ever again.#this meant that my friends when i was 13-15 were all 3+ years younger than me 🙂😭#i had 1 close friend that was my age but we both didn’t hang out often bc strict parents and stress #i miss the close friend but we changed too much