i have a friend who started falling down the truscum rabbit hole (as well some terf stuff :/ ). i don't know how to help them
I'd like to begin with putting down a truth: You cannot help anyone who Does Not Want It.
It sucks and it's painful, but you really cannot make a horse drink if they don't want to. You don't stop caring about the horse, but watching them dehydrate hurts, and my first point is that you are allowed to step back from them. It isn't abandonment to care for yourself.
I'm going to make an assumption about this situation, and if I am wrong, please correct me. Your friend is Hurting in some way, and it is related to gender and/or sex. They might be unable to transition, might be in an unsupportive environment, might feel insecure in how far they've gotten or who they are. It feels good to use a shield when you're insecure to defend yourself - to set boundaries between 'real' trans people and set specific nice little 'medical' boxes around things you don't want to be but are. To say "I am real", and use others as a backdrop to assert it.
When we are insecure, we use anger to cover it. Anger is safe to express, it's powerful, it feels righteous and strong. It makes it so we don't have to confront the foundations of our grievances, giving us easier targets to hit in some desperate attempt to control the situation. Truscum and TERF movements utilize this by striking minorities, often in the same exact box, because it is easier and fulfills the need to react + control, than it is to address "I will live in an oppressive society", "I cannot transition to escape my pain", "I do not exist as I feel I should", and so on.
While they are hurting, these movements seek to quell it and reassure them that they Are real and good, and X, Y, Z will bring about the answer. It's the same as any conservative movements preying on young people - it promises you an answer and a truth to your situation.
What helped me most was having friends that were supportive, that listened to my pain, and could commiserate. It still took me physically transitioning until I could look in the mirror to finally break out, as my own misery was no longer so all-consuming that I couldn't see past myself, but the seeds had been planted long before - I watched videos of perspectives I vehemently disagreed with, because if I was correct, then I could hold my position against their arguments. I recommend seeking out OLDER trans people to share their positions on gender, gender dysphoria, and the sex/gender dynamic. Very truthfully Contrapoints was someone who helped, her takes on gender dysphoria were enlightening, and when I saw her as a young trans person, it helped to know I could reach adulthood and find Joy.
IF or WHEN you decide to attempt 'debates' as well, it's important to stand on neutral ground as well. You are not screaming at each other because one of you is The Most Correct And Both Need To Agree, but you are exchanging ideas as two members of a disadvantaged community who want your group to thrive and grow. The onus is not on you to be cordial, though, and if they begin to lash out, stop the conversation. Protect yourself.
And at the end of the day, while I will say it until I'm blue in the face - that truscums and transmeds are people who are Deeply Hurting - their rhetoric is harming other trans people more than it harms them to feel that way. Keep yourself safe.
