#faely written

[faely-written]

Oh, Enchantress how you charm me! Your light encompasses my soul, keeping me warm in the brisk chill of night. The ghost of you whispering sweet-nothings into my dreams. You have captured every essence of me.

[faely-written]

I am tired. From the happy mask I place upon my face everyday to the deepest, darkest parts of my soul I am wholly exhausted. I am worn thin like jam scrapped over too much bread. Every muscle, each and every single muscle in my body coiled tight like a spring begging to burst forth.

I am tired.

[faely-written]

It’s cliche, but I love you

I love you, I love everything about you.  You are incredibly intelligent, your thoughts and ideas blow my mind. I’m in awe of you. I’ve never met anyone who thinks like you, it's beautiful. You have a whole world inside of you and I’m so very lucky that you share parts of it with me. Your musings dazzle me. It’s cliche, but I love your mind. My heart beats faster when we talk, I can’t stop watching you, you’re gorgeous. The way you smile lights a fire in my chest, it blooms in my cheeks. The way you speak, you have so much enthusiasm for every word you say, as if it’s all bursting to break free. When you sing I am utterly enchanted, you have a lovely voice that reminds me of fairies -- of something mystical. I love this little movement you make when you’re flustered -- when you’ve just been complimented, it’s almost like a dance. You are so animated and engaging, like a ray of sunshine after a storm. It’s cliche, but I love the things you do. They way you think of me warms my heart, I’ve never had someone who thinks of me the way you do. When you show me things that you know I like -- that you have any interest in me at all, bewilders me and I adore you for it. I love your sense of humor, you are so playful and you don’t even know it. You share jokes that brighten my day, we share banter that brightens my week. The seemingly random proclamations of “I love you” mean the world to me. The way you aren’t afraid to show your love inspires me, makes me love you more deeply.  It’s cliche, but I love the way you love. When things seem gloomy and I can’t stand another moment, I think of you. You are my shining light that guides me through the darkness. You give me will when I have none, you breathe color into my world. I cannot express how fundamentally you have changed my life. You mean more to me than I can express. You make me dream, you make me feel, you make me hope, you make me alive. I love your brightness but I also love your shadows, you have both light and dark in you and it is glorious. There isn’t a thing about you that I don’t love. It’s cliche, but I love you.

[faely-written]

Dark Matters

She looked up into the mirror, face blurry, no shapes where shapes should be. She closes her eyes and looks again, the mirror is cracked. Crawling bugs escape the fissures, hissing words of praise and love. She can feel her body quaking, her blood jumps inside as if to say “run”. Her mother's voice floats to her through the fog, she follows.  Down a hall she finds her, her vision clears, the fog fades. Her mother speaks, she nods, not sure if she actually nods or not. She must not worry her mother, she must be okay. She finds distraction in books, if nothing outside is real then everything inside must be real. Even if it’s wrong inside. If she reads of heroes saving the world then maybe she can save her own. The world in view now exhausts her, the vague sense of sleep numbs her. When she awakes her love speaks of acceptance and appreciation, she is warmed and safe. She closes her eyes again and when they open the face of her love is swarmed with shadows, the darkness peeling off flesh leaving a sea of red. Her breath comes short and labored, a hand touches her own. She is relieved to see it is a hand, a whole unnlemished hand. She nods to her love sure that she has nodded. She must not worry her love, she must be okay. She finds distraction in the glow of a screen, if she can play the hero in this world maybe she is the hero of her own. The words of her love ground her, give strength and confidence that she is here. She is real. This is real. It’s a false sense of security that will shatter after a time. She knows, she allows the comfort to wash over her anyways.The world inside her will always leak out. But she will always fight it. She is strong. The shadow comes to swallow her. She sinks to the floor, covering her wet eyes.The maze of fog engulfs her, she reaches out but there is nothing to reach out to, she reaches out but there is nothing to reach out with. She has fallen, she is lost. Cracking of bones and screams of joy flood her ears. Everything is wrong once again, the things that saved her do not matter. The things that saved her do not exist in the shadow.  But she will always fight. This will pass it always passes, the shadow isn’t real, she is real. She can escape without being saved. She is here she is not lost. This will not defeat her. The shadow will give way to light. But she will always feel the shadow inside her. It waits for her to fall. The shadow whispers promises of rest and relief, she will always be tempted. But she is strong. For now.

[faely-written]

"I love you more."

"I love you more than anything."

"You will never understand how much I love you."

"You don't know how much I love you."

You say these things to me after I tell you how awful you treat me. How horrible you make me feel. You hold your love above my head as if it is my only reason to exist. You use it as an excuse to invalidate how you have made me suffer. How could you have ever hurt me? You love me. Of course you do, you tell me all the time. You tell me that I could not even comprehend how much you love me. That you love me so much that I could never understand or grasp the concept of your love. If you love me, why do you hurt me? Why do you use "I love you" as a weapon? You can hurt someone you love. Your love does not come with the care for my well-being, especially if you are the source of hurt. You do not hold yourself accountable to your actions and how they affect me.

Because, you love me.

How could you hurt me if you love me? You are abusive, neglectful, emotional immature, manipulative, and condescending. The things you say, the things you do, do not hurt you.

They traumatized me though.

When I hear "I love you" a fear so cold and dense rips through my chest, chilling me to the absolute core. Those words mean something different to me because of you. They mean I owe you. They mean I am to be used. They mean that no matter how insidiously you treat me, I should be grateful, for I have your love.

And your love is worth so much more than mine.

And I do not want it.

[faely-written]

Hands stained with the devotion to others

Blood is sweet and everyone is so very hungry

They eat

And eat

And eat

To the bone

Can you not tell you are starving?

Have you forgotten how to feel hunger?

They take too much

You give way more

Please

Just take

A

Bite

[faely-written]

they pour asphalt into cracks hoping to restore what has long since been broken, isn't it easier to tear it down and start anew? but then again, this is what we all do.

fill the cracks with something breakable

only making hasty repairs, never fixing -- never rebuilding

[faely-written]

The cracks begin to form deep inside, deep within their walls of self. Something thick but fast moving bursts from the fissures. The substance is dark, it looks to be heavy but feels like lightning, scorching everything in it's path. It moves too quickly and soon their chest is ablaze, then their limbs, last their head. Every inch screaming in agony. Every inch coated in "just get over it" "you'll be fine" "it's all in your head"

Every inch flowing with "you can do this" "keep going" "i love you"

But it's lightning, everything is lightning.

How do you run from light?