#failediui

[myfertilityanxietyoverload]

[teachers-try-ivf]

The Roller Coaster

The other side.....I know this is long but you need the whole picture.  We did say that we were going to start this from the beginning and then we just didn’t find the time to make it happen.  I told her I wanted to share our story in case it would help others see what the process can entail.  Excitement was in the air!  We spent weeks picking out the donor and that is where this side of the story starts.  How do you pick someone who is going to be a true representation of you?  Looper is an amazing woman and she will say she is not sensitive but deep down she shows her sensitivity in different ways.  All the way through the selecting process she made sure we were trying to pick someone who had my eyes, my skin tone, and if possible a small portion of my ethnicity.  She would sit with me and read the profiles, look at medical records and we would get really excited when they would have adult pictures.  I mean think about it for a second, babies are cute right?!?!  But they don’t always turn out that cute!  How are you supposed to pick the other half of the genetic makeup from a baby picture?  Point proven several times when we would click on the adult picture and we were immediately turned off.  Call me vain, but if you aren’t attracted to him and he doesn’t have any representations of me then why would we move forward with that donor?  We made a few selections, slept on it for a couple of days and then bam dropped some significant change on a cc for the swimmers.  What’s next; blood tests, vaginal ultrasounds, uncomfortable probes and lots of hormones in pill and shot form.   

As you saw in my wife’s very detailed list of meds and processes you can sense the roller coaster of emotions through this process.  Let me go into detail on this roller coaster of each trial.  I don’t think any of us thought about how hard it is to get pregnant and how small the window of time for the egg and sperm to meet actually is.  The science teacher in me is geeking out.  Each time my champ of a wife would start with a vaginal ultrasound (uncomfortable but not painful) within the first day of her period beginning.  This was a preventative measure to make sure she does not have any cysts on her ovaries; if she did the medicine she was taking to mature the eggs would cause the cysts to enlarge and create complications.  Then the meds begin, pills or shots. HORMONES!?!?! I had to reach out to a friend of mine a couple of times to get some advice on how to SURVIVE those days of excessive medicine induced mood swings.  Not her fault, and to be honest she gave me so much credit for being supportive but she was the one that endured the day to day of each trial.  SHE WAS THE ROCK!  On day 12 or 13 I would get the call at work that she went in and the eggs are measuring above 18 cm and we have 2-4, OH WOW!  Exciting!!! Meanwhile, all of these small and quick visits to the doctors office was a swipe of the credit card and another window of time away from work.  Then comes the trigger shot, oh you have to make sure that bad boy is literally taken 8 hours prior to insemination.  And you want me to WHAT?!?! Mix these liquid meds in this other vial switch needles, extract, and then stick her in the ass with it.  Thank god, I at least had an understanding and was comfortable with giving her a shot.  Now we take the morning off and head to the doctor…. We get into the doctor's office, verify donor number and wait for thaw process.  We tried everything possible to stay calm and keep our minds off of trying to make a baby.  Now back in the room with my wife laying on the table, doc comes in and tried her best to not make it awkward with small talk.  I like that she talks while she is doing her thing down there.  She asked me if I wanted to push the syringe and I LIT UP!  You mean I get to have a part in this; that was the COOLEST!!!  She handed it over and I slowly pushed the syringe top in and looked at Elizabeth with so much joy and happiness.  See, I have wanted to be a parent all of my life; I feel like I am meant to be a parent.  To know that you have the right person to make that happen with is the best feeling in the world.  I love you babe!  We laid there for a minute while I held her hand and then we went back to normal life.  The next couple of days are just UGH because she is having to take progesterone and AIN’T NOBODY WANNA DO THAT.  She felt fine but we were both hiding the anxiousness within.  Hurry up, just tell us if we are pregnant!  We snuck in a pregnancy test towards the end and had an idea that it didn’t work; she had started spotting closer to the two week mark.  Is it a period or is it implantation of the embryo?  Science GEEK! So many thoughts and so many questions.  Blood test two weeks from the date of insemination confirms it is negative.  To give you the full sense of anxiety; the blood test is in the morning and you have to go back to work and wait for them to call.  THIS IS WHERE THINGS GET REAL!!! You start your period and the process starts all over again!  You have no time to even think about what just happened.  Your not pregnant and it’s time to start all over.  Try #2 was a no go, she started and we knew before the blood test.  After #3 we went back to the drawing board, discovered a polyp and oh by the way the donor you picked has just had a report from a different pregnancy to have a nonviable baby due to a genetic disorder the mother and sperm donor were both a carrier for.  This might have been a blessing in disguise but who knows we would have had to get a genetic test.  At this time we had the polyp removed and she wanted a break, which I fully supported.  We focused on family and taking back our lives from infertility as a team.  So we waited 6 months or so and picked out a new donor that we were super excited about.  You hear the doc say there really is no reason you shouldn’t be getting pregnant.  Try #4 went the whole two weeks, the EXCITEMENT was so high we started planning out how we would tell our parents.  Each day between ovulation and your pending next period can feel like a year; we tried really hard to not feel constantly anxious.  Two weeks have passed and I can remember calling her all afternoon waiting for the results of the blood test. The anxiety of the blood test ended with a negative.  At this point, it became really hard to understand.  WHY IS IT NOT WORKING, WHY CAN WE NOT GET PREGNANT?  

My wife is the strongest woman I know; she is a live life to the fullest, extremely positive, live for now and not the past person.  She is my biggest motivator, she has had my back from day one.  To see her crumble after try #4 was the hardest part of all of this.  I can only be the supporter and I did the best I could, but what I really wanted to do was take the pain away.  TO REPLACE the feeling of doubt and take away her feeling of being inadequate.  We just held each other and let her get out her grief and express her frustration.  I tried really hard to not express my frustrations to her because she already had so many feelings herself.  As I said before, she didn’t have time to cope because starting her period started the cycle all over again.  As always she picked her head up and went in for the ultrasound to start the process for trial #5.  More tears and frustration for trial #5 as it ended the same way.  I can only speak for myself; I feel in try #6 we just went through the motions because we were so hurt from 4 and 5.  We were more prepared to accept a negative test for trial #6.  We took the summer to recoup and make the decisions that lead us to where we are today.  The thing I learned from this is that it REALLY IS OUT OF OUR CONTROL!  Infertility is extremely difficult emotionally but this time around we are definitely a stronger team and I know we will be able to face what life has to throw at us.   

[inconceivabl3]

Not much to say.

Round 3 was a fail.

All I have to say is something MUST be missing. There is absolutely no way that my body is “normal.” Hopefully something will show on further testing. Not that I’m excited to find out “yay, you can’t conceive,” but it would be nice to at least have some sort of answer to cling to and a reason this isn’t working.

Also, this psychosomatic pregnancy bullshit sucks. Even before I started doing IUI, I would start feeling sick a few days before my period came. Certain smells made me nauseous, felt faint and dizzy, and more fatigue than usual. And then someone would say to me, “have you peed on a stick? Cuz you sound pregnant.” And then I’d get all hopeful, but I wouldn’t want to test because I didn’t want to jinx anything. And then wouldn’t you know, my period would come, sometimes late, sometimes right “on schedule.” And I’d be disappointed that yet another month had passed where it hadn’t worked for us.

I’m beginning to think these are the cards we’ve been dealt, and that it’s never going to happen. And I’ll never get the answer I’m looking for because all my future testing will be “fine.” I’m sick of this shit.

[rockthetalk]

gentlemothering, lovemrsc, saturdaynightguys, auntaniesweird, and ohdearkel, I just want to thank you ladies from the bottom of my heart for your kind thoughts and words. I know what I went through was not the worst thing possible, but it is comforting to know you ladies were rooting for my husband and I.

I’ve been so lucky to have such a supportive community of people on and offline.

Now it’s just about what the next step is to take. Aunt Flo showed up today, and I decided not to call the doctor. I need a month off to process what is best for the husband and I. I feel like I need to have a the surgery done to find out if I for sure have endometreosis, but there are loopholes that we have to jump in order to have insurance cover it. I’m just not up for that quite yet.

We briefly discussed adoption. I kind of like having a few options to bringing a child into our family. It’s like not counting all the eggs in one basket...or ovary....ha! (too soon?!)