#fanfic gap

[corancoranthemagicalman]

Au where everything is the same but the first time Dean and Cas meet in season 9 is Heaven Can't Wait and that is the first time Cas sees Dean's human face but also Cas suffers amnesia again because I said so and anyway Dean trying to get Cas into hunting and Steve not knowing why he's drawn to him or something.

[lanaserra]

After months of waiting, we begin the end again. Let’s do this.

Tonight on #Supernatural, the boys are conflicted by creature comforts on their $LastHoliday.

1) Moral of tonight’s episode, don’t touch shit when you don’t know what it does!

2) What else can the bunker do?? Fandom cheers as limitless possibilities are opened up by a canon version of the #EldritchBunker, including but not limited to the 2nd best usage of the map table. Hint. The best usage isn’t monster radar. #TimelapseMontage #FanficGaps #Destiel

3) Are we trusting Mrs. Butters, aka. “The Magic Roomba” with Jack? Cause I’m thinking we shouldn’t. 😬Good advice foreshadowing murderous intent?! #Protectwho?

4) We’ve Got one! #Ghostbusters #Hillywood #SupernaturalParody2

5) Time and Space do NOT heal Trauma! #Therapy

6) Good talk Dean. #HowAboutThemSmoothies

7) Most unrealistic moment of the episode, Jack knowing how to work a reel tape film. And not because he’s a #Millennial, but because he’s two years old!

8) If you love this girl, go get her. #Hamilton #Saileen #GoSamGo!

8b) Dean’s priorities. #1 - His brother getting laid #2 - Being rescued. 

9) Less good talk Dean. Telling Jack that you won’t let someone take him out is a far stretch from calling him family, #HugsWouldHelp. #JackWinchester

10) Lady Not-Lady you crazy. As if anyone could tell Sam about Lucifer, or break him with torture. Bitch he’s got #LuciferPTSD from spending hundreds of years in hell being tortured by Lucifer himself!

11) “Pain is just weakness leaving the body” No! Bad Dean! Do not teach Jack that. 

12) Inter-dimensional Geo Scope. Are we taking bets on which episode this scope suddenly becomes vitally important? 😬Maybe to help them get the other dimensions back? Somehow? Please?

13) Awww look at Dean trying with this awful cake. Good work Dean. Next time, you might also want to try not referring to Jack as if he’s a tool in your arsenal instead of a member of your family. “He can save the world.” Oh yeah? Is that it? Is that all he is? #ThisShitHasToStopDean #YesIAmTalkingAboutCastiel 

13b) #WhereIsCas? Do you really think he would miss celebrating Jack’s Birthday? Even if it’s #TimeyWimey? That’s his kid! #Misha’sContractFail

14) Well, that was a lighthearted filler-episode to lull us into a false sense of security before they destroy us completely! #Laughs #Sobs

One down, Six more to go. 

That is all. 

[amwritingmeta]

Can we talk about that gas and sip episode? Like at the end were it's night time ever and Dean asks Cas "were to?" And the very next scene it's MORNING and Dean is dropping Cas off at the gas and sip. WTH?

Oh, my darling! This is SO late. I hope you can forgive me… I’ll try and make it up to you by saying YES WE DAMN WELL CAN TALK ABOUT THIS FANFIC GAP BECAUSE IT IS EPIC!!

:P

So I think you may be aware of how much I love this arc and how much I love human!Cas. I love it because it focuses Cas in a way that not many other moments in his progression has managed to do and it tells us, in no unequivocal terms, what his endgame is. He’ll reach it when he’s made the choice that will answer the question posed to him: Angel or man? Right? YES!

So this question comes at him by the end of 9x06 - the episode where the moment you’re referring to occurs - and this episode as a whole is a thing of beauty, especially where Dean and Cas are concerned. It gives us SO MUCH. (I know that this is not news) (as with most things I’m certain there are reams written on this episode and this arc) (but I haven’t written much on it save for in tags so I’m excited I get to tackle it) (and yeah this will probably get kinda long…) (ahem)

Okay, I’m going to answer your question, but first I want us to have a bit of an overview.

Firstly, consider the reason Cas isn’t in the bunker –> Gadreel. 

Because of Gadreel’s objections in 9x03, Dean asked/told Cas he had to leave.

Yeah, so now Dean gets a call from Cas and Dean is so fucking pleased, though a little thrown, and he tries to chat, gets told Cas is only calling him because of a case Dean might want to look into, further getting informed that Cas is “busy” and realises Cas just blew him off. 

He’s busy? Busy with what exactly and is he okay and what was that noise in the background? 

So. 

Dean doesn’t just go to where Cas said the case is, oh no, because Dean Winchester - hunter extraordinaire - tracks Castiel - former angel of the lord - down and in the process tells Sam, not once, but twice, that he absolutely does not need Sam’s help or want him anywhere the fuck near this case because then, due to that cockblocker Gadreel, Dean definitively will not get to spend any time with Cas. 

Which is the primary reason Dean gets on the road and the only reason Dean gets on the road without Sam and then goes on to assure Sam he’s got it covered and doesn’t need him to come join him. Like, yeah, Dean, you’re feeling all kinds of mixed emotions, right? Guilt, longing, need, worry? And you want to see Cas and you want to make sure he’s okay.

That is, if Cas even wants to spend time with him, which Dean is still unsure of. Hence the hesitation and frown-y face as he watches Cas through those big Gas ‘n Sip windows. 

Seriously, is he okay? What the hell is he doing? This is the last damn place on Earth that I’d ever thought I’d find him and what exactly is the dude wearing?

But Dean braves it. With a grin. Because he’s nervous as all hell that he’ll get shot down after he behaved like a complete asshat, throwing Cas out of the bunker like that, and Cas only called about a case so Dean showing up here might not be welcome. In fact, he might get asked to get the fuck out of there. (even though Cas did pick up the phone to call him so…)

Now, Cas – sorry - Steve – does look taken aback. Actually, he looks downright shocked to see Dean’s face. Like he expected he never would again, at least not so soon, and not here, like he genuinely expected Dean to only be interested in the case. (damn these men and their inability to openly communicate) (of course also bless them because it is what makes their interaction so fucking enticing) (that they’re both such major idiots)

All this said, it could be argued (let me headcanon ok?) that Cas, somewhere, in the back recesses of his mind, hoped that placing a call about a case in the very town he’s staying in would mean they’d run into each other.

Running into each other so that Cas could show how well-adjusted he is, of course. That he’s got a job and a… place to sleep. Which is in the back of a Gas ‘n Sip, but Dean wouldn’t need to know that anymore than Cas’ boss knows. Well, she does now, but she thinks he’s just a dedicated employee. She doesn’t know that he’s homeless. (or quite possibly she does) (she seems to take Cas for who he is, not what he is) (and sees the core kindness of him and doesn’t question it but repays it)

Well, there’s no run-in on the street in the cards for Cas and Dean, is there? Nope. Because Dean is far from as casual about the whole thing and he wants to see Cas and he tracks him and finds him. And now here Dean is, face to face with Steve, and he cannot believe this is where Cas has ended up.

Mostly because Cas is fine. Cas is more than fine, he’s a little pissed off and clearly wholly dismissive and obviously uncomfortable with Dean invading this new life he’s building, but other than that, he seems to be okay with being human.

And Dean tries to needle an admittance of doubt out of him. Dean, naturally, thinks this gig is way, way below Cas, right? Out of all the things he could’ve chosen to do, he finds the most menial task a person can engage in (pardon me, all you Gas ‘n Sippers out there, I mean no offence, but compared to what Cas has done in the past…) Cas has chosen to engage with something that doesn’t speak to his skill set at all. And Dean is like WHY??

So he tries to make Cas admit that working at a gas station is below him, that he thinks he deserves more than this, more or less steering Cas towards admitting that his humanity is a burden and he hates it and all he wants is to be an angel again. Only, Cas doesn’t. 

Why? Again, because Cas is fine. Fine with being human. Fine with this being his reality. Fine, fine, fine. And Dean still can’t understand why, until it’s revealed that Cas has a hot boss. It’s about a girl! Wonderful. Awesome. Very human. And terrifying. Because where exactly does all this leave Dean? He shut Cas out of his life in order to protect Sam, and now it turns out Cas is happily shutting him out, because he never really needed Dean’s help. Did he?

So what’s the one thing Dean Winchester - hunter extraordinaire - can think to do? Well, how about hooking Cas into considering what they used to share? 

Come on, Cas, come on this case. Remember how much fun that used to be? Remember the good old times? I’ll remind you. I’ll damn well remind you of what you’re giving up. 

Needy, Dean. Very, very needy. Just let him go, man. He’s okay. You didn’t break him by throwing him out. He’s fine. Leave it alone. But of course, Dean doesn’t. And they go investigating. And Dean comes to realise something: 

Cas is fucking mortal. 

He can die. Yes, remember that, Dean? Now he does. Because Cas suddenly expresses his own fear of dying, telling Dean that things are different now. Things feel different. Such a wholly human thing of him to say! *heart eyes*

And the shoe drops: Dean doesn’t need any more prompting. He tells Cas to stay safe, to go on that date, to live a normal life. And Cas isn’t happy with that wording, because he feels like a fucking coward, but yeah, he doesn’t want to die. Again. (also he promised Dean he wouldn’t so…) And Nora is nice and going on dates is something humans do.

So there’s another gap here, you realise? Because it’s broad daylight when Dean and Cas go to check out that high school crime scene, and then it’s 7pm when they drive up to Nora’s house. So what did they do in the interim? Maybe they went to a pub or a bar for a beer and a chat, or maybe they even went to get Dean a motel room, because he hadn’t done that yet. Wouldn’t surprise me if he, way too eager to see Cas, just rolled into town. :P

Then, of course, we get the reveal that Nora thought of Cas as the Babysitter (which is so ironic I don’t even know what to say about it) (the term has been tossed around throughout the series) (especially in later seasons) (for example when Dean calls Cas out on acting the Winchester’s babysitter in 12x19) (and there’s more to discuss on this topic but I’m leaving it) and left alone in Nora’s house Cas gets a visit from Ephraim, the angel of mercy, who wants to take all his pain and confusion away.

Noteworthy is the fact that Cas didn’t want to walk into danger, but when faced with it steps between it and the innocent child he thinks is threatened. He will always, always act the shield. This core trait instinctively wipes away any fear or second thought for his own safety. It’s pretty fucking glorious to behold.

We also learn something here: Cas is in pain. The truth is that he is forcing himself into a role he’s not designed to play, submitting to his mortality and making a go of what he assumes is the human way of doing things because…

Because he was rejected by Dean.

I mean, it’s quite simply this exact thing that’s made him embrace his humanity in this non-Cas way, because he’s alone and without a rudder and all he can think is that he’s useless without his powers, and what is he supposed to do? How is he supposed to help? April nearly killed him. The angels all hate him and rightfully so. He’s hiding and trying to forget about all of it, except he can’t entirely - hence the taking note of the nearby case and calling Dean in to take care of it.

By turning himself into Steve, Cas is going against his core traits: to help and to protect. This isn’t a good place for him to be. (hence the change of name) (he’s literally acting a role he’s assigned himself) (the human version of him needs a name not tied to Heaven) (he’s pretending he doesn’t have a past because the guilt of what has happened is so extreme he doesn’t know how to even face it) (because he feels utterly powerless)

So the lesson he’s meant to learn in this episode is exactly that. He can talk big and tell Dean that he’s found purpose and dignity in what he’s chosen for himself, but the truth is that what makes him special - as Nora tells him - is the way he cares. 

A rose by any other name, Castiel. You cannot wipe out who you truly are by pretending to be someone else.

Nora’s dialogue as Cas leaves her house more or less serves to shine a light on the truth of Ephraim’s challenge, because the challenge for Cas to decide how to continue - as an angel or as a man - isn’t really the choice Cas has to make for himself. It’s whether he continues to stick his head in the sand when he’s needed the most, allowing his fear of dying to give him a free pass, or whether he chooses to face this fear, and play big, in spite of it.

(let’s also not forget about this gap between when Cas and Dean together defeat Ephraim and Nora comes back from her date) (because they straight up looked after a baby together) (and I want to see that on screen more than I want to see them in Dean’s procured motel room tbh) (oh wait) (now we have JACK) (god I love S13) :P

So when Dean asks Cas “Where to?” the grim expression on Cas’ face has everything to do with the fact that he hasn’t decided how to answer that question yet. He has no fucking idea where to go from here or even where he wants to be headed. 

So here we now land in my reply to your actual question. 

I’m going to give you my way of filling in the gap of this night we never got to witness, and it’s platonic af. Yeah, that’s right. P.l.a.t.o.n.i.c.

I mean, I think Cas stayed quiet in that car, lost in thought, and Dean suggested hey, you hungry, grab a bite to eat? So maybe they went to restaurant and talked and it was all good, or maybe Dean asked him where he’s staying and Cas just muttered and Dean suggested hey, why don’t you come back to the motel, huh? Because of course Dean wants to drag this out for as long as possible and there’s beer and they can get some food on the way and just… hang out. And maybe Dean was thinking and hoping that maybe Cas, who clearly wants to get laid again, would be up for flirtation, but —

– but here’s the thing. The way I read Dean, especially where he’s at in his progression at this point, considering that he’s on the precipice of letting his self-hatred get the better of him in such a way that he decides to take the MoC on himself, my reading of him is that he’s simply not in a mindset to make a move on Cas. He just doesn’t have the balls to risk this incredibly important relationship because he’s horny. (remember he hasn’t admitted to himself yet exactly how much he fucking LOVES Cas, right) (that won’t happen until S11 and Mildred’s hand placed over his heart)

If Cas instigated it, oh, fuck yeah. I think Dean would’ve happily engaged in a night of debauchery and his self-loathing would then have explained it away as nothing but some fun between friends, going so far as to completely convince himself that of course Cas doesn’t FEEL anything. Oh, and neither does Dean, because love and happiness are such scary concepts (because Good Things Don’t Last) that even the thought of them are suppressed swiftly and efficiently and all that this ever was, for the both of them, was sex between friends, nothing more. But —

– but Cas is in no state to instigate anything here. 

He’s low. He’s had severe blows delivered throughout the episode and the only thing keeping him up is the fact that Dean’s there. So even if they don’t have a deep heart-to-heart about the decision Cas is about to make for himself, the fact that Dean is there as support, I believe, has a huge bearing on where that decision actually lands. 

So, we have a Cas who is feeling low and, I’d argue, doesn’t have his mind set on sex as emotional consolation, mostly because he’s still unsure of what exactly that longing he feels from Dean means. He’s still unsure about what it is he feels. You know? He’s just now starting to suss out the vastness and depths of human emotion - he says as much in this episode when discussing Ephram’s motivations with Dean. It’s still a confusing jumble, just as it is for most humans. 

I believe what Cas needs when he gets into the Impala is a friend. And beyond that what he needs, more than anything else, is a hot meal, an even hotter shower and a warm, soft bed to sleep in for the first time since… Well, a very long time, I’d say. 

I do headcanon with my last breath, though, that this is the night when these two fell in love for real. Like they were attracted to each other and there was respect and intrigue and they were doing a joint circling of falling in love (hello that year in Purgatory) (but of course Dean told himself that was all about comrades in arms) (and Dean being hellbent on finding Cas and bringing him home was all about how Cas said “I’ll go with you” and then he died) (even when he didn’t want to face any conflict) (because he backed Dean) (and Dean wasn’t just gonna leave him in fucking Purgatory was he…?) but this is where that emotion manifested, irreversibly, for the both of them. 

Like they got to see new sides to each other that they had never been privvy to before. Instigated by them fighting off a death threat as a team, but really deepened by them taking care of a baby as a borderline couple and seeing what that domesticity could be like, and then Dean showing support and understanding and them simply having a low-key evening together, staying in the same room with absolutely nothing more needing to happen than them falling asleep after hours of talking about life and their past and just getting to know each other on a completely different level.

Because with a Dean that is way too insecure and in no mood of doing something stupid that might jeopardise his friendship with Cas now that his last stupid thing has been put behind them, and with a Cas equally in the process of finding his footing as a human and individual and really not being about the sex, but much more about making a connection, I just don’t see them getting it on in this episode.

That’s not to say that it’s not open for that interpretation. This is MY reading, peeps. And I love toying with the idea that something happened. But to me it doesn’t fit in with how I read the canon narrative, is all. And it doesn’t have to. I’m just basing my reply on that reading, rather than all the possibilities if venturing away from how I view it. :P (I’m also not saying I’m the only one to view it this way) (I’m just not going to bunch people into a we when I’m not entirely sure who the we is) :)

Moving on.

After the lessons learned in this episode, in 9x09 we get to witness where Cas lands, which is in the decision to don fed threads and insert himself into the brothers’ investigation, going head first into a situation to do with angels warring with each other, stating that this is something he should be involved in.

In other words, a 180 in attitude from the start of 9x06 and his fear of facing possible death. (as well as, of course, facing the anger and disgust of his kin) (fleeing responsibility as a human) (finally coming to the realisation of his own accord that not only does running away go against everything he believes in) (but everything that truly makes him him as well) (he can’t just turn his back)

It makes me teary eyed and emotional. He’s been told by Dean to go live his life, and this is what he chooses for himself. No more aimlessness, no more questioning where he should be or where he belongs, he steps into that crime scene intent on being a part of the fight Dean told him isn’t his anymore. *head fucking exploding with joyyyyy*

Now, on that note ^^^ let’s look at the very final scene of 9x06.

So, Dean apologises for telling Cas to leave the bunker, something that’s been weighing on him ever since he first laid eyes on Cas in that Gas ‘n Sip, I’m sure. Like, why not open with this, Dean? 

(because he’s a scaredy cat and he wanted to charm the pants off…… well……. Cas and suss out if their friendship had been seriously damaged before even breeching the subject of how he failed to be there for Cas when he needed him the most) 

And then Dean tells Cas he’s proud that he’s adapting to this new life, even if it’s been hard. 

And that’s a complete 180 with regards to what his attitude was at the start of the episode. It’s a brilliant emotional bookend for our Dean! 

Instead of being needy and trying to get Cas to come play with him as in Please, remember the good times, Cas! Dean is letting go. He doesn’t want to. Like, he really, really does not want to. (Jensen plays this scene so well) (and God Misha is amazing in this episode) (GAH) 

But this choice of letting go isn’t just because of Gadreel now, it’s because Cas doesn’t want to die. And Dean doesn’t want Cas to die. So, Dean forces himself to because it’s the right thing to do and he tells Cas to go live his life. And, again, I don’t think he’s fully come to terms with how in love he really is with Cas, but we know, through this action, exactly how much he loves him.

And the narrative knows. And sets up a big reward, even though Dean can’t quite see it as such, when Cas chooses to return to him in 9x09.

I mean, Dean sees Cas being reckless with his life. Again. But, really, if Dean hadn’t come to the Gas ‘n Sip and instilled a sense of having faith in Cas even without his powers, Cas might not have come to the realisation that he was lying to himself about what his purpose ought to be. All that pain he’s been suppressing, all that worry and lack of self-worth because he wasn’t entirely sure why Dean had rejected him, it eases when Dean shows up unannounced and encourages him that they should work a case together.

Dean: So? I’ve never had any powers.

I think that’s ^^^ a pivotal line in this episode and something Cas has to understand. Still. Going on six years later. His powers do not define him. His powers are not the reason he’s valued and important to Dean, or to Sam. 

Anyway, for 9x06 what he had to understand is that deep down he’s a shield and a protector, always and forever. He’s not meant to nuke nachos and keep bathrooms clean. And he does understand it. If human is what he’s going to be, then he’s meant to be a hunter. Plain and simple. So, a hunter in training he’ll be. And off he goes. To help the angels. (and to be close to Dean again)

There. One simple, straightforward request for a bit of a discussion on one fanfic gap in an episode became four and a half pages of meta analysis and headcanon and spec about intention and the characters’ emotional architecture for you. And flailing about one of my favourite episodes of this show. Like hands down top ten. Easy peasy don’t even have to ponder it. 9x09 and 9x10 belonging high up on that list as well. 

Right. I could write an essay about this arc and how important I think it is, how it becomes an axis that turns and rotates the entire series in a new direction and informs not only the love story, but so much of the codependency and the main characters’ individual arcs as well. It’s just full of bright, bright moments and horrible heartache and it’s all so part of the reason why we love this damned show, right?

Thanks for the prompt, my lovely. And do excuse my reply being so abysmally late!!

xx

[spnscenemeta]

13.23 The Kiss

Ok so I personally love the idea that Dean kissed Cas right before he said yes to Michael, or right around that time during the fanfic gap, but have we even considered what kind of kiss? Maybe a kiss on the lips would be too bold for Dean, maybe he gave Cas a soft, hesitant kiss on the cheek, and then just imagine Cas looking up at him with his big beautiful deep blue eyes, and they just share this short period of mutual understanding, and intimacy. Like neither one of them has been able to be open to the other until now, and after all the times that they’ve lost each other and they both know what they’re getting into. Suddenly it’s just them alone in the room, nothing else and no one else matters, I mean, Michael looming over behind them and the imminent crisis with with Lucifer can just wait right now because Cas and Dean need this moment, for just one last goodbye before their worlds are going to be ripped apart again and they’re going to spiral down a deep hole of messes and sacrifices and heartbreaks.

UGGGHH I need season 14 right now

[winchestersandwordprocessors]

Thirty Seconds

Words: 3483

Summary: An old enemy gives Dean thirty seconds to choose between Sam’s life and those of ten innocent people. This takes place in the ten-ish minutes around that decision. (Not canon divergent, but not canon, so canon parallel? Yeah I am making that a thing.)

Prologue

“What was it you said, Dean?” the vampire taunted, yellowed teeth gleaming. “Saving people? Hunting things? The goddamn family business?” He sneered. “Seems to me that you care a whole lot more about saving Sammy here.” He jerked on Sam’s throat, yellowed fingernails gouging through the tanned skin.

“Easy now,” Dean said, voice low. “We-“

“No, Dean,” the vampire shrieked, his voice slightly too high, eyes spacey.” “They didn’t have to die! They didn’t! They were my family- and , and- you took them from me!”

Sam twisted in the creatures grasp, the muscles in his forearm rippling. The grip on his throat tightened, and he unintentionally wheezed. He saw Dean’s jaw tighten.

The dark haired vamp took a deep breath; its empty chest expanding and contracting. “Here’s the deal, Dean. You can save people and lose your brother, or you can sacrifice Sam and save these people.”

“What people-“ Dean began, but already he was learning the truth of the situation. Another vampire had appeared in the dark recesses of the warehouse and was pushing back the large, mildewed dividers running along one edge of the room- the kind used in large schools or conference centers to separate a space. Behind the folding wall was a huddle of people, about ten or twelve at Dean’s first glance. They were seated in a circle, facing out, their legs and waists secured with heavy-looking chains.

“Dean, I’m either going to kill your brother or all of these people. You have thirty seconds to decide.”

30

Dean remembered this vampire, remembered it like it was last week instead of almost a decade ago. It was a few months after picking Sam up from Stanford. Things had been going well, too well, and Dean had been floating on the high of having Sam back with him, of being part of a team, of waking up and seeing his brother in the opposite bed.

They’d gone after a nest of vampires plaguing the outskirts of Philadelphia. It had been almost too easy to track the young ones to their nest- they were killing with all the finesse and tactics of a starving grizzly after hibernation.

Inside the decaying mechanics shop the brothers had found this man, this vampire- Eric.

He’d pled for the lives of his “children”, claiming that once their initial hunger was sated he would take them out of the city, teach them to live off stolen blood transfusions and animal plasma. He’d held up a cooler of blood bags he’d already gathered, pointed to the exsanguinated deer and rabbits in the corner of the concrete pad. Dean had shaken his head sarcastically, drawling about the natural order, dead being dead, and humans being saved.

In the end, Eric had escaped. A smaller group of young vampires had returned at just the wrong time, distracting the Winchesters. They’d beheaded all of the young turnlings, but after an extensive search they still hadn’t found any leads of Eric’s whereabouts. Dean had forgotten him, until today.

“What’ll it be, Dean?” the forgotten man drawled.

29

The baby was crying. Of the ten people tied in a circle, the tableau that of a modern sacrifice, one was a young woman with a baby, less than a year old. Its wail echoed through the warehouse, the metal walls and looming machinery- long dead- amplified the sound, terrifying the child even more. His mother rocked him as much as she was able; as much as the chains would give, tearfully cooing to him, trying to keep her breathing even. Two wet spots dampened the front of her shirt.

Will you shut that thing up?” Eric shouted, volatile once more.  He dragged Sam towards his captives. Turning his head to the side, Eric whispered, “If you don’t shut it up, I will drink it first, regardless of Dean’s choice. They say infant is a delicacy… like veal”.

The scent of urine rose from somewhere else in the circle of unwilling witnesses, a captive audience to this act of revenge.

“Please,” the woman pleased, turning red and puffy eyes towards the ageless creature. “Please.”

“Don’t beg me,” he replied sweetly in another mercurial mood swing. “Ask Dean.” He gestured to the older hunter with a jerk of his chin.

The woman turned her eyes towards the horrified Winchester. “Please,” she whispered again.

28

The woman’s quiet, broken request for life fell on Dean’s ears like hammer blows. He’d built up an endless list of regrets in his life; a list of sins for which he could never do penance enough. Near the top of that red-inked tally was a lesson he had learned far too late: sometimes doing the right thing doesn’t mean killing.  Sometimes it means walking away.

When Dean slept, he was often revisited by those he’d killed or those he’d witnessed die. They’d parade in front of him, sometimes whole, other times bleeding and broken. Always, no matter what the scenario, they wanted to know why they’d been killed or why they had to die.

Dean wanted to shout to the heavens, to hell, to anyone that would listen that he hadn’t known, how could he? He hadn’t known vampirism had a cure, he hadn’t known that sometimes a live monster, shown mercy, is less of a reprehensible creature than some humans, he hadn’t known so many things.

No matter how many times he told himself that, how many times he made excuses, he couldn’t buy it. If he had learned more, tired harder, people wouldn’t have had to die; there would be fewer faces in Dean’s nocturnal panel of guilt.

Dean looked at the young mother. “I’m sorry,” he said lowly, voice cracking.

27

Sam watched the torment play across his brother’s face, the emotions as easy for Sam to read as a page printed in block print, size 48 font. Dean was flipping through emotions like a card deck, anger and fear and guilt and resignation and hatred and determination flicking across his face, a slideshow of the Winchester experience.

The younger hunted ground his teeth and jerked once more in the shorter vampire’s hold. What the creature lacked in size he made up for in ill-gotten strength. The claws in Sam’s neck stung, the finger’s pinching his windpipe tightened, and the knife pressed against his spine pushed a little harder. Sam staggered as vision fuzzed around the edges.

“Time’s wasting, Dean,” teased their captor.

26

It is a well-documented phenomena in humans that in times of high stress, the adrenal gland pumps out massive amounts of adrenaline and other hormones. These can give the perception of time slowing, can sharpen reflexes and increase a person’s strength, and also allow them to process the threat in greater detail than the brain would normally record.

Dean should be used to this by now, considering that something tried to kill him, eat him, or both at least once a week. All of the times before this- all of those times he thought to himself well, this is how it ends, all of the moments he was convinced he was going to be monster kibble, each time he was sure he saw Sam fall- all of those experiences paled in comparison to this.

This wasn’t a monster he could outrun or outfight, this wasn’t a hunt that he could carefully lay out and plan for contingencies, this was a lose-lose situation.  This was Dean’s personal Charge of the Light Brigade; this was his Valley of Death. The worst thing, the very worst thing, he thought, was that he was going to have to live with his decision.

As though he knew where Dean’s thoughts were going, Eric smiled wolfishly.

25

On the back side of the circle, facing the wrong way to see anything, was a quiet middle aged woman. She kept her head down, partially praying, mostly listening to what was happening behind her.

And though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil…

Someone behind her was whistling the Jeopardy! theme song.

…you are with me, thy rod and staff, they comfort me…

For a moment, a split second, all she could hear was breathing- harsh and labored from one, deep and ragged from another. Then,“You son of a bitch!” one of them yelled, their scream echoing briefly through the empty room.

I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

She was slowly losing faith that any of them would make it out alive.

24

Eric licked a stripe up Sam’s neck, hovering over the point where his pulse fluttered. “Salty,” he crooned in younger hunter’s ear. “And musky. I like it.”

“You son of a bitch!” snarled Dean, taking a step towards Eric and Sam.

“Ah ah ah,” Eric reproached, letting his fangs extend from his gums.

23

Eric and Dean stared each other down, the greenish-gold eyes locking with the nearly-black of the vampire.

22

Alright, the deaf guy is confused, one of the ten thought to himself. He’d been keeping up alright so far, heavily relying on his ability to read lips and body language. Dark-haired toothy guy was bad (kidnapper, duh), the smokin’ hot freckled guy in leather was mad about everything, particularly because he thought Bad Guy was going to kill Very Attractive Tall Man.

It was about some kind of revenge.

“Sam or…” he read.

Or?! Or what? The circle of kidnapped folks? Not okay!

The men shifted so that most of their mouths were obscured, leaving the teen in silent confusion and contemplation. He’d watched the scene long enough to guess that Very Attractive Tall Man and Freckles in Leather were intimate somehow. It was almost eerie how attuned they were to each other, their bodies following the other’s like sunflowers towards the sun.

He looked around as much of the circle as he could see, and tried to fill in the missing members with those he saw on the van ride. It was him- a broken human, a few old people, a teen or early-twenties mom, and a couple randos.

He glanced back at the men- partners of some sort.

While he didn’t want to die, he wouldn’t mind too much. It looked like these men needed a break.

21

Dean felt tears pricking at his eyes, and he blinked furiously, keeping his eyes squinted. This couldn’t be how it happened, not like this. It was never supposed to be like this.

20

Sam saw Dean’s eyes get watery, and then he did that squinty thing, that stupid squinty no-I-don’t-have-feelings glare he did when things were really getting to him.

“Dean,” Sam choked around the grip on his throat. He wanted to tell him it was okay, that he was ready, that Dean could do this. He didn’t have enough air, so he just stared, pleading, hoping to get the message across.

19

Sam was giving him the eyes, Puppy Eyes 2.0. It was the look Sam gave Dean when he talked about the demon blood, the look he gave him during the trials, the look on his face when he said “So?” back in that godforsaken church. It was Sam’s face that said it’s okay, I’m okay, let me do this.

Every time, every goddamn time it made Dean remember dropping Sam off at his house near Stanford, before the Wendigo and Jess burned and Sam was back in this mess. He’d told Sam that he couldn’t do it alone.

Sam’s reply: “You don’t want to.”

He didn’t want to do it alone then. He really didn’t want to try doing it alone now. Not after everything else.

18

“Let us go! This doesn’t involve us!” shouted some suit-wearing man on the edge of the circle, just barely able to see the three men if he craned his gelled head.

Their kidnapper sighed dramatically. “It involves you now. Have you not been listening?” Eric rolled his eyes. “Correction, Dean. If you choose to kill Sam, I’m still going to drink Suit over there. So you’ll be saving nine lives. It’s still a good deal.”

The man in the suit hunched over his damp and pungent lap and did not say another word.

17

Eric could hear all the hearts in the room frantically thrumming blood, pumping adrenaline and cortisol and other hormones left over from humanity’s monkey days throughout their bodies. They were all afraid, even the glorious Winchesters. He’d done it, he was controlling this. He felt a little drunk on their fear, on his own power in this place.

16

“Take me instead,” bargained Dean, his voice confident. He was ready, ready to die (again) to save his brother and other innocent lives, people who, until an hour ago, were oblivious to the supernatural around them.

“No way,” sneered Eric, tugging on Sam again. “This about your suffering. Death’s too quick for that.”

“Buddy, you ain’t been to hell,” muttered Dean.

15

There was silence in the cement and metal room, only the sounds of panted breaths could be heard.

14

Dean felt like he’d been running for miles and miles and miles with nowhere to turn; like he was trapped in a dream in which he was helpless to move at all.

13

It had always been about Sammy- dropping out of school, the demon deals, all of it… there wasn’t any point without Sam. No point at all.

12

Dean forced himself to break eye contact with his baby brother, shifting his gaze back to the vampire cowering behind the much larger hunter.

11

Sam renewed his struggles to escape from the vampire’s hold.

10

Sam knew what he wanted- he wanted to save as many people as he could, he didn’t want to live his life knowing that Dean had condemned ten people to die just because of him. In Sam’s mind there was already too much blood on his hands, a stain from which he would never be free. Me he mouthed to Dean.  Pick me.

He knew his brother would never do it. He’d turn the gun on himself before he killed Sam. Sam also knew that if he chose to sacrifice those people-when he chose to sacrifice those people- that Dean would never be able to live with it. It would consume him. And Eric was counting on that.

9

A retiree, doctor’s forms and prescription scripts still in his pocket, watched the tableau unfold. He looked around the circle of people in chains alongside him, and then turned back to the standoff in front of him. He hoped this young man- this Dean- saved his brother. He was going to die anyway, he’d heard it from the doctor this morning- six to eight months.

The retiree, fishing hat still on his head, thought about his brother, fallen in Vietnam. He’d watched his brother die, blood bubbling around the shrapnel. He wouldn’t wish that on anyone. He’d come home to see the grief and regret in his mother’s eyes, wondering why he couldn’t keep his brother safe. He saw the ghost of his brother everywhere he went, and it had eventually driven him into the bottle.

Pick us he willed the wavering man. Kill us.

8

Eric watched the resolve waver in Dean’s eyes and slowly turn to panic. He’d done it- he’d backed this hunter, “the best hunter in history”, into a corner from which he would never escape. Eric knew he would pick Sam; Dean always picked Sam. Eric also knew the guilt, the self-loathing, would be more of a punishment than anything Eric himself could ever deliver. Adjusting his grip on Sam, he grinned behind the tall hunter’s shoulder. He liked where this standoff had gone.

7

6

5

4

3

Dean shifted, hyperaware of the gun butt pressed against his spine. Eric ran his teeth over the nape of Sam’s neck.

2

Dean wrapped his clammy hand around the barrel of the Colt, tucked into the back waistband of his jeans.

1

Eric grinned, a macabre display of needle-like teeth, and turned his gaping leer towards the side of Sam’s neck.

Sam locked eyes with Dean- the sunshine and moss meeting whiskey and pine- and gave a tiny nod.

Dean shot his brother.

Epilogue

The colt killed all things supernatural- well, almost all things, as the boys discovered during a face-off with Satan himself.

Neither of them had a clue what the gun did to those of the human persuasion- they gambled everything- Sam’s life, Dean’s reason for existence since the age of four- on the gun only being a gun for humans like Sam.

Sam fell, blood gushing from his shoulder in pulsing red waves. As the cement beneath him grew ruddier, Sam’s face became more and more pale.

Dean tugged Sam’s head and shoulders over his knees. “Sammy,” he growled, panicking at the vague expression he saw clouding his brother’s eyes. “Sammy!”

Pulling his crimson-stained hands away from his brother, Dean pawed through the inside breast pocket of his worn leather jacket. He felt paper rustle, and ripped it out.

He tore the packet open with his teeth, and a hooked suture needle and silk thread fell out. He’d swiped a handful of these from the last ER they’d visited, and thank god he did.

Dean tore through the material of Sam’s thick flannel shirt like it was nothing. The wound was bleeding more sluggishly now, but Dean was already kneeling in a hot pool of Sam’s blood, the front of his jean’s tacky.

He sewed up the front of Sam, where shoulder and clavicle meet, before roughly flipping Sam over and hastily, sloppily, closing that wound.

A few feet away Eric gave a gurgling laugh.

Dean did his best to ignore it, taking his brother’s pulse, watching his chest rise and fall, checking his stitch work for leaks.

After a while- a moment, an hour, a lifetime- Sam’s heartbeat was weak, but steady, and his stitches were holding. Dean took off his own shirt, folded it into a makeshift pillow, and laid Sam’s head down on it.

Slowly, chest and arms coated in his brother’s blood, Dean walked towards the fallen vampire.

He wasn’t dead yet, the bullet had slowed on its passage through Sam and had embedded itself high in the creature’s sternum. He was flickering orange- bright and firey- and oozing blood over the cement, far more blood than one body should contain.

Dean crouched down next to him, his boots squelching in the cooling, viscous liquid.

“You shot… your brother,” Eric whispered through pinked-tinged bubbles of saliva. His eyes still glittered maniacally.

Dean’s jaw clenched, a muscle twitching, his nostrils flaring, but he didn’t reply. Instead, he leaned forward and set the tip of his index finger in the bullet-hole and pushed.

The vampire screamed, a shriek of agony and suffering emitted from dying men since the beginning of pain, long before the concept of time. His body arched, his eyes and nose and mouth glowed like hellfire, and still Dean ground the bullet in, his eyes cold and hard.

Once the light had faded away, the vampire dead for good, Dean pulled away his finger and slowly rose. He walked over the dark, tacky floor, his jean’s plastered to his legs, and scooped up his brother. Sam’s head lolled over Dean’s shoulder, and his hands were inches from dragging the ground, but Dean carried him, slowly and surely, to the backseat of the Impala.

He jogged back in a few minutes later with boltcutters, a different flannel draped over his shoulder. He cut the circle of captives loose quietly and efficiently. No one said anything, unwilling to risk a word after what they had witnessed.

Brusquely Dean held the flannel out to the young mother, who took it without meeting his eyes. “Thank you,” she whispered.

He nodded and cleared his throat.

“Anybody gonna talk about what happened here today?” he asked the room at large, voice slightly amplified by the high ceilings and empty metal walls.

Everyone shook their head. What would they say? Who would believe them?

Dean nodded once more, sharply, before striding back out to his car. Slamming the door he cranked the engine and squealed out of the parking lot, his brother prone in the backseat.

Despite the numerical score- enemy dead, all others alive- Dean was never able to think of this as a win. Whenever Sam tried to bring it up, Dean threatened his brother with violence or changed the subject. Finally Sam let it go, which was more than Dean could do. In his nightmares, Eric had joined the ranks of Dean’s ghosts and echoes. If Dean had listened to him all those years ago, what would have happened?

Slowly, over time, the ten innocent witnesses forgot the details of the event, but Dean… Dean never forgot a thing. That was one of the hardest decisions of his life, and it all happened in thirty seconds.

A/N: I was wondering about what people would ACTUALLY do in the old “A train is coming, you can pull the lever and save a group or a friend, blah blah blah” ethics question. 

And then I wondered about Dean and Sam, because duh. 

And this happened. Let me know if this is how you think it would turn out!