#thinking about tshd through the lens of girlhood. that phase from pre-teen to teenager, growing into a body you don’t feel ready for and into an attraction you disgust yourself with. i think about this through the eyes of a teenage girl in rural japan, because from what I read and analyze, the rural villages in mountains and plains are the same across the world. everyone knows you, and everyone notices.
as a girl i know in my youth i was expected to cook and clean and tend for the men in my life. as a girl, i looked at my girl body and the bodies of girls around me. I compared, analyzed, measured under the guise of jealousy at the same time i watched with desire soaked in shame. i loved, and hated myself for it. (so much so i’ve grown into the shape of shame and still to this day deny myself the human condition of being in love. )
i look at a female version of yoshiki and see myself in her. i look at a female version of hikaru(both) and see a manifestation of intangible desire and love.
a female yoshiki would still dream of tokyo. modern, far away, and so big she can stretch her limbs out and not feel suffocated. she could listen to girl groups without her family members scoffing at their frilly short skirts and girlish mannerisms. a female hikaru wouldn’t say much about tokyo, not when she was expected to marry out of highschool. but maybe she’d chat alongside her about it.
i imagine that hikaru would be the more popular of the two.(this is from the extras that show hikaru getting way more valentines than yoshiki) her sunny demeanor would be attractive to her male classmates, who think she’d be “super cute if she wore her hair down”. or “she stays careful not to be in the sun too long.”
she’s terrified of horror movies, which guys find cute. she’s a bit too outspoken, so maybe she just needs to grow up a bit first before she settles down to marry.
yoshiki would be the less attractive of the two. at first glance her dark hair, pale skin and quiet demeanor could be considered attractive until her stomach pains become well known as stemming from something else, and her timidity is seen for its awkwardness. by then, she’d be nagged by the older women in the village with medicines and charms that promote fertility and ovary health. she’d be told she’d be cuter if she was more sociable. she’d be encouraged to tend to her father and her little brother before indulging in her bug fixation. a girl version of yoshiki couldn’t have the time to hide in her room, because she’d be too busy cleaning the house or prepping dinner when her mom is out.
and of course, when hikaru and yoshiki would ditch school before hikaru went to the mountains— they’d stop by a nearby stream. hikaru would undress, comfortable with her fellow girl while yoshiki is weighed down with self-disgust when her eyes stray too close to dangerous territory. that creep, monster feeling would come back. it’d keep her awkward and stiff when hikaru would come in for a hug, because girls are naturally more touchy than guys . hikaru hugs other girls, too, but none as tightly as she hugs yoshiki.
she’s attached to yoshiki, sure.
but not nearly as much as she was after she came back from the mountains.
