#flash lucy

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PSA: HIGH CHOLESTEROL FOODS WILL STILL CAUSE HEART DISEASE

If any of you caught the ABC documentary 'THE HEART OF THE MATTER: DIETARY VILLAINS' you may have been overwhelmed by the title, and you may have also picked up some new advice. That advice being high cholesterol does NOT cause heart disease and most people are wasting their time taking cholesterol-reducing drugs called statins. 

Thankfully Media Watch was on the case and became the beckon of truth that we deserve.

The Catalyst documentary made claims such as:

'I think it's a huge misconception that saturated fat and cholesterol are the demons in the diet, and it is 100% wrong' - Dr Johnny Bowden

'Saturated fat has been vilified for years because of the cholesterol theory' - Dr Stephen Sinatra 'A multibillion dollar food industry has fuelled our phobia of fat and cholesterol and dramatically influenced our diet' - Dr Maryanne Demasi 

Now I'm not a doctor, and for all I know these good people could be telling the truth. However after the second episode went to air, the ABC's Health expert Dr Norman Swan was outraged stating that catalyst's program would kill people as it suggested those with high cholesterol to stop taking their medication. 

A healthy debate between doctor's is normally for the best. However apparently you can get PhD's from just about anywhere these days. 

Doctor Johnny Bowden, has a PhD but it's not from a recognised university. It’s a Clayton’s PhD obtained by correspondence from the Clayton College of Natural Health in Alabama, which offered degrees in naturopathy, holistic nutrition, herbal studies and iridology ... before it went out of business in 2010. 

So sadly just to make things clear: butter is bad for your heart even though it tastes like happiness.

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9TH SPOT IS PRETTY MUCH 1ST

Today Lonely Planet released its convented top 10 cities to visit in 2014. That isn't the shock, it's something they do annually, duh. The shock is that our little old town of Adelaide, came in at 9th spot. Now before you say 'well I bet Sydney and Melbourne were on the list', the weren't. SO SUCK IT EAST SIDERS. Naturally the media and population of Adelaide are celebrating as if we came in first. As we should, good for us! We're not extreme hipsters, or uptight Sydneysiders. We're not cashed up bogans, or... cashed up bogans. We're the city next door! However like all cities next door we've got some issues. Just tiny issues that Lonely Planet has thankfully overlooked. But I thought I'd bring them to attention anyway.

1) WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER CONSTRUCTION

You know how your neighbour has that patio out the back that he's been working on every summer since 05' but never seems to finish. That's Adelaide's CBD. What used to be a city of churches is now a city of construction and cranes. Not that it's a bad thing constant improvement is what makes a city grow. But like our ageing population its just taking us longer than usual to complete.

2) WE DON'T BREED VERY WELL

Back in 2009 your neighbours took in two Asian exchange students. Full of hope and determination these kids were going to breed like rabbits. Well that's not right, I just had to somehow stick with the analogy. The two Asian kids are Adelaide's Giant Panda's Wang Wang and Funi and when they came to town boy was it a big deal. Soft toys, book deals, these Panda's could do no wrong! That was until the zookeepers started to try and breed the couple and neither was having a bar of it. We have them until 2019 and if Wang Wang doesn't stick his wang wang up Funi and get her pregnant by then, well let's just say we won't be taking anymore exchange students for a while.

3) YEAH WE'RE NOT JOKING ABOUT THOSE SERIAL KILLER STATISTICS

Ah yes the creepy uncle that sometimes pops past the next door neighbour's house, or you know the casual serial killer. In 2008, the Australian Bureau of Statistics found that South Australia holds fifteen percent of Australia's convicted murderers, despite holding only eight percent of population. Some of our serial killers, like John Bunting, even made double figures before they were caught. My pro tip for avoiding serial killers: 'don't be a dumb tourist, by yourself, in the country, with no petrol left in your hire car' also find out which footy team they go for and just try and become friends.

Adelaide's heaps good, mate.

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EVERYONE WANTS TO BE A MOVIE STAR

As kids we play make believe. We'll dress up and be policemen, pirates, football stars, actors, pretend to be whoever we want. If we're lucky when we're older we may pursue one of these careers. But some people just want it all.

Case in point: Mohammed Abdi Hassan 

Mohammed Abdi Hassan is not just your average terrorising Somalian pirate. Hassan, who also goes by the name Afweyne or 'Loud Mouth', is thought to be one of the most notorious pirate leaders that Somalia has produced. That's one hell of an achievement. But piracy isn't all wanted Hassan wanted, he wanted to be a movie star!

Hassan was enticed by what can only be believed as Ben Affleck in Argo, to come to Belgium in order to take part in the shooting of a film on the life of pirates on the high seas.

However when Hassan got off the plane he wasn't greeted by his Hollywood agent, rather the Belgian Federal Police and the special crime unit.

Hassan will now be charged and could spend up to 30 years in jail for taking hostages and being a member of a criminal organisation.

The lesson Hassan teaches us all: If you want to be a pirate and a Hollywood star the best place to do that is on the set of the latest Pirates of the Caribbean film. 

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Flash Detective Work: PNG CASE

Last Friday, thieves in Papa New Guinea robbed an armoured car carrying nearly 6.3 million kina ($2.5 million).

The PNG police believe it was an inside job, but I also have a list of subjects.

1) The American Government.

Everyone is talking about the shutdown. There are people out of jobs, couples not being able to get married in national parks, tourists not being able to spend money at the Smithsonian. Journalists are having a field day speculating what's going to happen.

My theory: it's just an elaborate distraction! While everyone is wondering what the American Government's next move will be, spies are secretly stealing money all around the world to help pay off America's debt and therefore there being no reason to raise the debt ceiling.

2) George Clooney, and the crew of the film Gravity.

Gravity, the space thriller staring George Clooney and Sandra Bullock took in $55.8 million dollars at the box office this weekend. Opening at 3,575 locations the film now holds the record for an opening weekend record in October. Now I’m sure the film is outstanding, hell I’m going to pay $20 to go see it. But we do have film evidence in both Oceans 11, 12, and 13, that George Clooney can pull of a heist. And it wouldn’t surprise me if Sandra Bullock knew how to break into a car.

My theory: George Clooney channelling his alter ego Danny Ocean, round up the crew of Gravity, taught them an elaborate heist, stole some money and spent it all on tickets to see Gravity in 3D.

3) Prime Minister of Australia, Tony Abbott.

Oh Tony, you still haven’t managed to put a foot right. This week’s scandal: spending tax payer-funded money on trips to colleagues’ weddings and sporting events. Now I know times are tough, hell you only get payed around $300,000, you have to deal with some idiotic people, and you’re not on the best of terms with the people and government of PNG at the moment. But could you pull this off?

My theory: Tony, using his ironman skills broke into the car, stole the money, and used it to pay off his trips. It’s a win-win situation for him, stealing from PNG and stealing from the Australian people all under the disguise of a true athlete.

Do any of my suspects line-up? Do you have anyone else that might need to come in for questioning? Let us know in the comments!

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Continuing Flash's coverage of the Australian federal election campaign, today we are introduced to Liberal Party aspirant Jaymes Diaz, and his inevitable end to a political career.  

Unfortunately Diaz wasn't aware that he was suffering from 'vomticargon' (vomit political jargon).

As a result of this disease during the interview the term 'cost of living' was used 11 times. And there was some talk about direct action gives direct results and it's a real solution because you're planting real trees and you have one solar panel.

But all this was nothing until they started speaking about the boats. Diaz goes straight for the answer saying his party will stop the boats with their six point plan. This was the most severe moment of vomticargon during the interview as you can pin point the moment Diaz's life flashes before his eyes when he realises that he does not know what the other five points are (the first point was to stop the boats). At this point all hope has been lost as his minder tries to get Diaz out of this vomticargon mess as soon as possible. It's not before Diaz goes full shut down mode and let's out one last vomticargon 'we support families'.

Now it's not just Diaz, politicians from all parties are diagnosed with vomticargon all the time. Unfortunately during campaigning is when it is most likely to strike.

And should we accept it?

Of course not. There is a cure, it's politicians:

Knowing the issues they are arguing.

Actually having a clue on what they are going to do to fix it.

It's a shame that any other normal member of society is able to recognise this apart from the men and women that are suppose to be leading our country.

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NOTES FROM FRANCIS

Haven't done anything wrong yet. AWWWW YEAH!

- F

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THAT'S SO PUTIN

RUSSIA: Presiden Putin has teamed up with forgotten action star Steven Seagal to prepare the next generation of Soviet soldiers. 

"Children should become strong, they should be healthy, love sports and have an opportunity to practice them, should know how to defend themselves, their loved ones, their family," Putin said in remarks released by the Kremlin.

"Ultimately, they should be able to defend their motherland."

Their training regime will include: learning how to take orders, fighting brown bears, and watching the Russian edit Rocky IV*

*Spoiler: The Russian wins.