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I love my dad... but if he’s going to try and talk to me about this shit he needs to do his homework. Voluntary ignorance makes you part of the problem and he’s made it a point to ignore politics until it’s presidential election time and even then he seems to only pay attention to the bare minimum.
My heart goes out to the victims of the shootings. I can’t do much from here and I’m at work so I can’t look up much but if anyone has any donation links please add them.
At least I’m a good writer.
remember zane's funny switch? can i please just manually switch all my emotions as i please? that might not be very healthy for myself or even harming.. buuuut feeling too empathetic so i cannot help another person cause i am having too much of the feely feelings as a reaction to their feelings sucks.. i wanna help but sadly i caught your sad emotions :'(
This autistic path has been already way too stupid and long
Since it was very clear to me that I'm autistic, I've been on a unending sending of tiktoks with neurodivergent info back and forth. Needless to say, I think we understand each other on a level that I just didn't think I would understand someone. Once you see how your brain works and why I does the stupid shit that scares you but also the things you like about yourself, you can't unsee it. And then you start seen it on others, some of them even say the wildest ableist crap! And you are there, trying to mask your: omfg, can't you see that you do this same shit?!?! - face.
So I was texting my siblings about a memory of them that came to me about their obsession with cheese. It's a cute story about a toddler eating almost 2oz of cheese in less than 2 minutes, somewhere in the conversation the fact I haven't talked with my progenitor in the last 3 months came up.
My sibling has always been the sharpest and brightest when it comes to make me cut my crap. I love them for that, they say the shit that one else would tell me but never with the intention of hurting me. So as I said, they are amazing at this, so they did the most incredibly precise thing they could do, and made a list of the things that she can now understand better because of her diagnosis, and how my progenitor has spend the last 50 years of their life not knowing or understanding what was different.
And then, it fuckin hit me.
They have been autistic for 50 years and didn't knew shit and couldn't even start to understand because they were the first generation to not get institutionalized when they started acting as a neurodivergent kid.
They don't know how to keep friendships beyond their work spaces, they don't understand a thing about healthy boundaries.
Because they only know abandonment or heavy attachment.
They are disregulated, emotionally immature... And autistic. And they didn't knew.
You can't ask someone to teach you healthy boundaries if they think that boundaries equals rejection.
At first I was sad for they, then a little bit angry and I couldn't grasp exactly why. The emotion didn't make sense on they, but it did on me.
Here I was, again, in the need to give them grace, to see beyond their actions, their lack of a support system, healthy and meaningful friendships... Again trying to understand, just for them to try to excuse themselves with some biodecodifing crap.
I know I'll reach acceptance, because I can see their actions through the same lens and it makes everything so much easier.
Hope is soon.
14 years ago a friendship I had just fucked up really bad and very quickly, I decided I was done with their shit when they scream to me on the middle of a hallway when everyone was coming out of class (this was in college). They screamed "I just don't know how to talk you anymore, it's been a week I just don't know". I was mad angry for weeks, I couldn't tell my part of the story because it involved a third party who wanted to remain silent. So, that was just the first occasion they tried to put on display what a nasty person I am. I mean, im not nice. I'm actually a really petty bitch.
But also I was bullied all elementary school, until I got angry enough to fight back.
Anger has always been there to protect me. When I was a teenager I thought I was only able to feel horny or angry... And of course, as every undiagnosed mentally ill teen, sometimes both at the same time.
18 years ago, I had my first queer partner. I was so immature and also very damn naive. Never crossed my mind that my partner on that moment could say or do shit just with the intention to hurt me, to make me feel less than and/or ashamed. They were always quizzing me about the most random shit and of course, making fun of me when I didn't knew the answer. Other of their talents was gaslighting, the fucked up part is that I trusted them. So when they tell me: "You are making such a fucking drama out of nothing" (Eeeeven when I had the right to be mad AF with them). We didn't last long, the aftermath was the worst part, the manipulation, the letters, the desperated tries to regain control of me...
Anger was there, when they tried to ridicule me for crying about a close relative been in intensive cares: "Why are you crying? You are not going to solve anything with crying, if they die, they die".
It was my anger hanging up the call. It was my anger blocking them on every fucking platform. It was my anger burning all their presents. It was my anger again, protecting me.
19 years ago, my partner at the time break up with me because "I had so many damn problems, and they wanted something more simple". I mean I can't blame them, I was a fucking disaster, but the way they behaved when I wasn't feeling good, always made me feel so out of place, too much to handle, so damn sensitive...
I knew they breaked-up with me because they were not honest about not been ok with having an open relationship, months later I hooked up with their partner, I've always been this petty. It was a one-time kind of thing. I don't know if that was my anger, but it did made me feel better.
Today I was feeling very fucking angry at my wife, we are having a rough patch, you know the drill: money and patience shortens at the same fucking speed, or so it seems. I've been feeling really angry, but also very fucking sad. My anger is trying to save me again.
My anger doesn't understand that I have grew, that right here, right now I can be vulnerable. But it was awaken because my wife told me today: "I don't know how to talk you without you making a huge fuss". The other day she told me: "You were supposed to do this fucking thing, are you gonna play dumb to also not do this other thing" It was the facial expressions and the tone... I took a deep breath and told her: "the hell is going on with you?". This days have been hard. And believe me, I'm not trying to excuse that uncool attitude.
I have been thinking about this for days: "How can I make her understand that the way she's speaking to me is unnecessary rude". Then I remembered that song of L.P., "Lost in You"
Hold me like you never lost your patience.
It always makes me tear up.
Don't get me wrong, my wife is my favorite person, my best friend. Been triggered by this things is not her fault, BUT is my responsibility to tell her to watch her words, and speak to me in the same way she wants so be spoken to.
Just because I don't want my anger to protect me from her, I know it will hurt her back. I couldn't forgive myself if I do anything like the shit that was done to me.
In this vulnerability I grow, I flourish, but I also honor my anger, because that bitch had always, always had my back.
Happy female presented progenitors day
I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety pent it up for this day, because since last year it was clear to me, that the relationship with my mother is unfixable. Also, since my babysibling just found out about them autisim the most ableist side of my mother came to light. I felt awful for my sibling, the rejection and the crap about "we can fix you" was overwhealming. I've never seen my sibling this disapointed on my mother.
The thing is, a couple of days later they got to talk, my sibling is closer to her, so they really wanted to work it out. In their conversation my mother told them that she couldn't belive that it was autism because she did a lot of those things... When my sibling told me this, my fucking jaw just drop. A rush of images and situations were the autistic traits of my mother were all over the fucking place.
It made harder for me, you know? because at the same time I also found out that i'm also autistic - Talking about hereditary shit - and it made me more angry (?). About 12 years ago I was diagnosted with Adhd, my mother told me I got that coming because I had a drinking problem, BUT GUESS WHAT I FOUND OUT?!?! ADHD HAVE A TENDENCY OF SUSTANCE ABUSE, BECAUSE OUR BRAINS OUT WIRED WIERD. So try to imagine myself TRYING as hard as I could to have empathy and sympathy for her, just to find burned out anger.
Because this changes and also clears up a lot of things in my relationship with my mother, which is not the best to begin with. For the longest time I thought that she just did many things on porpouse, but now i know a lot of them are basically out her control. But you see, there's a lot of shit that she has done and said in the past, that now she just denies it ever happened. Which is AWFUL for my trauma and mental health. So, if she was never hold accountable for the things i KNOW she did on porpouse, how the fuck can we began to process the things she does because of her very-probably-autistim?
Don't get me wrong, she's not a bad a person. But the fact that she keeps denying all the bad shit she did, doesn't give our relationship the chance to heal and grow. Because I live everyday with the sympthons of the "things she never did", I get all kind of intrusive thoughts about the "things she never said", and so on. I'm working on myself, I've been on theraphy for the last 7 years, at some point my therapist just asked me: "And what are you expecting of her?" (She also has asked this question to me) and told them both: "I just want an apology and the actions that are congruent with that". My therapist said it was really an aceptable answer... my mother not so much.
This day stores a lot of shit I wish I didn't have to deal with.
But then again, I also know I don't exist in a vacuum and as the stupid primate i am, I sort of crave the connection.
I'm exhausted but someone I don't even know is feeling down now I can't sleep
You know when you start reading a fic and it's beautifully written and so angsty but gorgeous, but you have to stop reading it because it's too physically painful and emotionally upsetting to carry on reading, and then the characters are forever stuck in that unhappy state and you can't fix it for them. Man. :(
