Genderfluid fujoshi

this is a blog about my before bed pothead thoughts. I've insomnia and anxiety that doesn't seem to give a single fuck.

[cuteillustrations]

[imsadperiod]

[autism-adhd-information-blog-de]

Source: Pinterest/Life in an Autism World

Autism Spectrum

[genderfluid-fujoshi]

This autistic path has been already way too stupid and long

Since it was very clear to me that I'm autistic, I've been on a unending sending of tiktoks with neurodivergent info back and forth. Needless to say, I think we understand each other on a level that I just didn't think I would understand someone. Once you see how your brain works and why I does the stupid shit that scares you but also the things you like about yourself, you can't unsee it. And then you start seen it on others, some of them even say the wildest ableist crap! And you are there, trying to mask your: omfg, can't you see that you do this same shit?!?! - face.

So I was texting my siblings about a memory of them that came to me about their obsession with cheese. It's a cute story about a toddler eating almost 2oz of cheese in less than 2 minutes, somewhere in the conversation the fact I haven't talked with my progenitor in the last 3 months came up.

My sibling has always been the sharpest and brightest when it comes to make me cut my crap. I love them for that, they say the shit that one else would tell me but never with the intention of hurting me. So as I said, they are amazing at this, so they did the most incredibly precise thing they could do, and made a list of the things that she can now understand better because of her diagnosis, and how my progenitor has spend the last 50 years of their life not knowing or understanding what was different.

And then, it fuckin hit me.

They have been autistic for 50 years and didn't knew shit and couldn't even start to understand because they were the first generation to not get institutionalized when they started acting as a neurodivergent kid.

They don't know how to keep friendships beyond their work spaces, they don't understand a thing about healthy boundaries.

Because they only know abandonment or heavy attachment.

They are disregulated, emotionally immature... And autistic. And they didn't knew.

You can't ask someone to teach you healthy boundaries if they think that boundaries equals rejection.

At first I was sad for they, then a little bit angry and I couldn't grasp exactly why. The emotion didn't make sense on they, but it did on me.

Here I was, again, in the need to give them grace, to see beyond their actions, their lack of a support system, healthy and meaningful friendships... Again trying to understand, just for them to try to excuse themselves with some biodecodifing crap.

I know I'll reach acceptance, because I can see their actions through the same lens and it makes everything so much easier.

Hope is soon.

[genderfluid-fujoshi]

Let's play a game

We'll call this game "sad bitch or autistic?"

It's actually not a game, I just want a excuse to write down how all my fucking recent knowledge of neurovergency would have been nice to know sooner...

So, let's begin with an easy one,

You dislike much going to school because of your shitty classmates, you actually enjoy learning pretty much, sad bitch or autistic?

Said shitty classmates bullied you to the point of reaction, but you where the one punished because your reaction was "uncalled for", sad bitch or autistic?

You are always observing what other kids your age like, and you try to learn everything about it, but you become kinda of obsess, so they find you annoying, sad bitch or autistic?

They try to bully you in middle school, and they got into you unregulated anger responses. They leave you the fuck alone, sad bitch or autistic?

So now they are kind of afraid of you and you are ok with that. They call you weird and you wear it happily, because that means you are not an asshole like them, sad bitch or autistic?

When you feel sad, you can feel yourself drowning in the emotion, it's almost suffocating, when you are angry is like you are been possessed by something, sad bitch or autistic?

The sadness leads you to your first attempt, you have been cutting yourself for years but ALSO you have been drinking way too much vodka, sad bitch or autistic?

For years I thought I was drowning in myself that my emotions where something that left no room for anything else. Turns out, I was fuckin autistic, bitch. There's a lot of research about how the overstimulation can drive us to a meltdown, our body screams to please stop feeling, your nervous system doesn't give a shit that you are in the middle of a class or the supermarket, it has enough and is time to leave to a safe place.

Drinking for me was a way to cope with my social anxiety, remember that song "You are not that social, just a good drinker"? There you have my whole teenage years. But also, it fucked me up with the regulation of my emotions. I want to be drunk all the time... Is that alcoholism? I don't know.

I do know now, that learning about how this stimuli can actually make act out of myself, I know almost how to prevent it at least every 7 out of 10 times. Which is great, if you ask me.

I mean, I know I can be a sad bitch, but is more of a bruise than a cut, but I do am actually autistic.

[genderfluid-fujoshi]

3AM thoughts

When I was 17 y/o I was unaware of many things about myself, mainly, I didn't understand how my neurodivergency affected almost every other aspect of my life.

Also I had just finished high school and thought it was part of my path studying medicine, I knew when I finished the exam that I was not going to be accepted. You see, when you have dyscalculia, those fucking timed test are just sadist and not fun-sadist.

I was there just feeling like the floor have been pulled from bellow me, I cried for days. My partner at the time had the empathy of a chair, so emotional support was not a thing for me.

I felt like for all those years studying and making choices that didn't make me happy, but were going to "help me" with my future, all of it was just a waste of time. My parents put their "you better get a job or get out" boots, not because of the money, it was about my drinking habits.

It took a while for me to get a job, there were not much entry level jobs around. It was a call center, the first couple of months I was just numb, i guess. But in some point I decided that I did want to go to college, so I did my best and got in.

When I was 23 I got my Bachelor's degree, and felt unfinished, again I began searching for a job, but took me months. Finally in was offered a halftime as an assistant, and again had the huge privilege to think about what to do next.

10 years later I'm again, in this huge place of privilege, where I can sit for a fucking second and think.

But that's because I burn myself out every couple of years. It's taking longer to burn me, I guess I'm getting flame-resisting.

I know joking around about burnout seems rude, but when I have already cried entire shifts and thought about getting into an accident just to avoid going to work... I think I earn my right to laugh of my own shit, thank you very much.

Been even more honest, understanding my neurodivergencies have give me nothing but clarity. The more I understand about my autism and my ADHD, the kinder I'm with myself.

The more tools I have to help me regulate myself, I can get a grip of my feelings when I start to overstimulate. I've never been this broke, but also I have never had this clarity before.

Now I understand this huge anxiety, is fear of not knowing what is going to happen and that is because I'm awful with changes. They'll just feel very weird until they don't, you know? But these changes means there's a new era coming, and here's the twist for the first time I want to see what's next.

Honestly, I didn't think I'll make it this far in life, have this feeling of been just improvising since I'm 16, even though I know that's poorly accurate.

But believe me when I tell you, I know how incredibly privileged I've been to have an opportunity to burnout and been able to heal a little before keep going.

I'll keep on going, for now.

[genderfluid-fujoshi]

Yes, if you are trying to prove a point by comparing the problem to the scale of how fast is the Earth moving but to us is still, yes, you are very fucking high.

[genderfluid-fujoshi]

Maybe they are just waiting

I've been reading this book: Children of Emotional Inmature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson PsyD. It's been an long awful process, I've never take this long into reading something I like, but it is because every chapter is so heavy to me, mostly because I can reflect myself in so many of the stories that are shared there.

I've been suicidal for the longest time, for the last 20 years to be exact. There was a time, around my 20's that I felt like I was finally done trying to scape this plane of existence. You see, when you are a very dramatic teenager you make some stupid promises to some friends… In my case was "Fine, I'll stop cutting myself If you stop talking shit about yourself". Wasn't the healthiest deal, but it helped us both. So, fast foward to me on my 20's and been in therapy and working my shit with a psychiatrist, I kinda felt like I was done trying to run away from everything. I remember very clearly the night I was having a few drinks with one of my siblings and they asked me if I was still suicidal and I told them: - maybe been unnecesary honest - that even tho I wasn't presicely enjoying been alive, I was not trying to scape anymore.

As I said before, I've been feeling reall stressed out about debt and maybe, be facing homelesness (you can be sure I'll be homeless first before going back and living with my parents), and out of 10 interactions with my partner, 2 turns into an argument.

Yesterday, while reading one of the last chapters was this seccion of: "Trying to break yourself from that selfcurated image you made to keep peace" But I don't know how to explain that, It makes sense, but also it fucking doesnt? Let me explain. I feel EXACTLY how the book describes this feelings of not been enough, this intense fear of not been wanted and that in any minute my partner of 12 years will be done with me just because I parked their car wrong - I didn't say it made any fucking sense, did I? - But ALSO, I'ven't been "that abused" if that means anything. And this is something I maybe didn't explore enought with my therapist, I recently knew that seen your theraphist once a week is a sign that something spicy is going on.

So, I have this feelings piling up, and me wondering if its worth living all of this. I mean, yes I've had amazing experiences that I could not have If I've killed mysefl at 14 y/o, but also I would have not experience so much abandonment and broken relationships.

Somedays I'm jealous of my friends who have passed away. So damn envious. Most of my inner circle knows how I feel, not as much as knowing if I have a plan(s), and it makes me wonder, if they don't see me get any better, are they just waiting for that call?

When some other person really close to me, tells them that I just scaped forever. I wonder about that sometimes.

[genderfluid-fujoshi]

14 years ago a friendship I had just fucked up really bad and very quickly, I decided I was done with their shit when they scream to me on the middle of a hallway when everyone was coming out of class (this was in college). They screamed "I just don't know how to talk you anymore, it's been a week I just don't know". I was mad angry for weeks, I couldn't tell my part of the story because it involved a third party who wanted to remain silent. So, that was just the first occasion they tried to put on display what a nasty person I am. I mean, im not nice. I'm actually a really petty bitch.

But also I was bullied all elementary school, until I got angry enough to fight back.

Anger has always been there to protect me. When I was a teenager I thought I was only able to feel horny or angry... And of course, as every undiagnosed mentally ill teen, sometimes both at the same time.

18 years ago, I had my first queer partner. I was so immature and also very damn naive. Never crossed my mind that my partner on that moment could say or do shit just with the intention to hurt me, to make me feel less than and/or ashamed. They were always quizzing me about the most random shit and of course, making fun of me when I didn't knew the answer. Other of their talents was gaslighting, the fucked up part is that I trusted them. So when they tell me: "You are making such a fucking drama out of nothing" (Eeeeven when I had the right to be mad AF with them). We didn't last long, the aftermath was the worst part, the manipulation, the letters, the desperated tries to regain control of me...

Anger was there, when they tried to ridicule me for crying about a close relative been in intensive cares: "Why are you crying? You are not going to solve anything with crying, if they die, they die".

It was my anger hanging up the call. It was my anger blocking them on every fucking platform. It was my anger burning all their presents. It was my anger again, protecting me.

19 years ago, my partner at the time break up with me because "I had so many damn problems, and they wanted something more simple". I mean I can't blame them, I was a fucking disaster, but the way they behaved when I wasn't feeling good, always made me feel so out of place, too much to handle, so damn sensitive...

I knew they breaked-up with me because they were not honest about not been ok with having an open relationship, months later I hooked up with their partner, I've always been this petty. It was a one-time kind of thing. I don't know if that was my anger, but it did made me feel better.

Today I was feeling very fucking angry at my wife, we are having a rough patch, you know the drill: money and patience shortens at the same fucking speed, or so it seems. I've been feeling really angry, but also very fucking sad. My anger is trying to save me again.

My anger doesn't understand that I have grew, that right here, right now I can be vulnerable. But it was awaken because my wife told me today: "I don't know how to talk you without you making a huge fuss". The other day she told me: "You were supposed to do this fucking thing, are you gonna play dumb to also not do this other thing" It was the facial expressions and the tone... I took a deep breath and told her: "the hell is going on with you?". This days have been hard. And believe me, I'm not trying to excuse that uncool attitude.

I have been thinking about this for days: "How can I make her understand that the way she's speaking to me is unnecessary rude". Then I remembered that song of L.P., "Lost in You"

Hold me like you never lost your patience.

It always makes me tear up.

Don't get me wrong, my wife is my favorite person, my best friend. Been triggered by this things is not her fault, BUT is my responsibility to tell her to watch her words, and speak to me in the same way she wants so be spoken to.

Just because I don't want my anger to protect me from her, I know it will hurt her back. I couldn't forgive myself if I do anything like the shit that was done to me.

In this vulnerability I grow, I flourish, but I also honor my anger, because that bitch had always, always had my back.

[genderfluid-fujoshi]

Happy female presented progenitors day

I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety pent it up for this day, because since last year it was clear to me, that the relationship with my mother is unfixable. Also, since my babysibling just found out about them autisim the most ableist side of my mother came to light. I felt awful for my sibling, the rejection and the crap about "we can fix you" was overwhealming. I've never seen my sibling this disapointed on my mother.

The thing is, a couple of days later they got to talk, my sibling is closer to her, so they really wanted to work it out. In their conversation my mother told them that she couldn't belive that it was autism because she did a lot of those things... When my sibling told me this, my fucking jaw just drop. A rush of images and situations were the autistic traits of my mother were all over the fucking place.

It made harder for me, you know? because at the same time I also found out that i'm also autistic - Talking about hereditary shit - and it made me more angry (?). About 12 years ago I was diagnosted with Adhd, my mother told me I got that coming because I had a drinking problem, BUT GUESS WHAT I FOUND OUT?!?! ADHD HAVE A TENDENCY OF SUSTANCE ABUSE, BECAUSE OUR BRAINS OUT WIRED WIERD. So try to imagine myself TRYING as hard as I could to have empathy and sympathy for her, just to find burned out anger.

Because this changes and also clears up a lot of things in my relationship with my mother, which is not the best to begin with. For the longest time I thought that she just did many things on porpouse, but now i know a lot of them are basically out her control. But you see, there's a lot of shit that she has done and said in the past, that now she just denies it ever happened. Which is AWFUL for my trauma and mental health. So, if she was never hold accountable for the things i KNOW she did on porpouse, how the fuck can we began to process the things she does because of her very-probably-autistim?

Don't get me wrong, she's not a bad a person. But the fact that she keeps denying all the bad shit she did, doesn't give our relationship the chance to heal and grow. Because I live everyday with the sympthons of the "things she never did", I get all kind of intrusive thoughts about the "things she never said", and so on. I'm working on myself, I've been on theraphy for the last 7 years, at some point my therapist just asked me: "And what are you expecting of her?" (She also has asked this question to me) and told them both: "I just want an apology and the actions that are congruent with that". My therapist said it was really an aceptable answer... my mother not so much.

This day stores a lot of shit I wish I didn't have to deal with.

But then again, I also know I don't exist in a vacuum and as the stupid primate i am, I sort of crave the connection.

[genderfluid-fujoshi]

But also sometimes when I'm overwhelmed im angry at my teenage self, because if she could have just cut a little deeper I wouldn't have this fucking need to understand my asshole brain, pay bills, understand people's feelings, care about those fucking feelings... I could have save myself so much emotional shit.

Don't get me wrong, the last 17 years haven't been this shitty, that why I said "when I'm overwhelmed"... And life right now tends to be so fucking overwhelming... Not all the time, but enough to make my years on therapy go straight to shit... For a little while.

[genderfluid-fujoshi]

Sometimes I can hear the anxiety boiling behind my ears, it screams annoyingly just like a kettle. And you'll think that makes my depression a little easier to 'just-not-pay-attention'... It doesn't. They can all just fill the fucking space, make everything single atom vibrate with exasperation.

Of course I want it to be over, all I can do is watch from the back of my brain how my mono tone voice annoys everyone, how even if I want to I can't speak in a normal volume (almost inaudible) and because I can't smile how my face just do the resting bitch thing, even do is my neutral face, I'm just too busy trying to make silence inside my head, to just mask and suit everyone's fuckin feelings.

I'm understanding more about my stupid brain, a month ago I did some assessments... Turns out, besides having ADHD, I'm also autistic.

Part of me was very ableist, like: bitch you CAN'T have all of them! Buuuuut it explains things my ADHD and mental illness weren't able to explain.

This what I'm having right now, is a shutdown.

And it does help having a name for it. Knowing that is not something just coming over to take control over me, that I'll go away on its own (obviously I have to accommodate myself, and that's the tricky part) I've discovered I don't like been touched when in shutdown, I don't speak even tho I can numb anyones brain any other day... Before the assessment, I thought I was just about to lose my shit, and my fear was "one day you are not going to come back from this", and now I know it'll go away.

[denimcatfish]

[genderfluid-fujoshi]

There’s a little something in my will to live...

I know there’s something in our will to live that just flyies away when we are feeling like shit. I KNOW very well the repercutions of me just... giving up. I know them. I understand the hurt i’ll leave, and also I know i don’t want to d!3. If you ask anyone with this same “desperation” they’ll tell you that most of it, is just not feel anymore pain, no more insecurities. Do you think i enjoy asking my partner if she’s angry at me? If she’s sure that she loves me? That I really want to open up and talk about my shit, but then I start listening to the people around me and suddenly feel like i dont’ have a motherfucking right to even complain, any less feel like stop everything. 

We don’t want to stop existing, but we have also feel like that’s the only way to stop the pain. We are done feeling pain. Sometimes our resources seem pointless, we feel like we are bothering everyone around us. With all of the wondering when the fuck are we going to feel good at last...

I’ve been on therapy for years, I’ve been on medication for years, in and out of it... and STILL days like this bring me back to square one. Where I want to just to hide under my desk, and hope I can cry out all my MF sadness. 

I know these days come and go, I know it’ll pass. But can I stop been this scared? Can I stop feeling like I’m walking on eggshells? Can it just fuckin stop? Please?

[butchfagminotaur]

i hope every lesbian gets to feel how it feels to have another woman be just as crazy about you as you are about them…. not having doubts or confusion.. I wish this with all my heart, for every lesbian, especially trans lesbians.

[valtsv]

but if i don’t hyperfixate i’ll get depressed and die

[valtsv]

*runs out of hyperfixations* oh god oh fuck *lies in bed feeling empty and useless for 48 hours*

[princecharmingtobe]

*desperately digs through old hyperfixations* there must be SOMETHING

[bloodytales]

Ah yes, another post when you aren’t sure if they are talking about anxiety, ADHD, or OCD, but you still understand completely because you have one of them.

[genderfluid-fujoshi]

So, I know no one fuckin cares, but yesterday I woke up to life, someone really close to me had a massive mental break down and it shaked me to my core. I was high af and when she started to breakdown I was worried, I was present, I was there. It felt like if I've been inside of myself for days and she pulled me out by screaming for help.

I'm less tired, and I've decided to keep swimming. I decided to share my life with my partner, I can't quit on life if I'm able to help.

I'm gonna keep going, and hope I go back to therapy on January.