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Me: oh, shoot, I'd better take my meds!

Random friend: oh, what for?

Me: oh, I have gaydhd.

Random friend: oh cool, I have a cousin with ad- wait... did you say... gaydhd?

*boss music starts playing*

Me, smiling diabolically: gaydhdeez nuts

Random person: ...

Me, levitating above the ground as my eyes roll back in my head, with the voice of a thousand tormented souls: GOTTEM.

*ENTIRE WORLD FUCKING EXPLODES*

#my random ass brain #Shitpost #Adhd #Gaydhd #i don't know

12:40am U 1 December 2024 - Couldn't Sleep

{TL;DR - Dooming thoughts. Stay awhile}

Just now realizing that I'm afraid of being in a relationship. I have this lingering fear that I'm going to be lifted into the air, only to be dropped onto my head. What I mean is things will start out great... We'll be close. A power couple of sorts. We'll do our separate things by day, randomly flirting through texts every now and then. We'll enjoy each other's company afterwards. We'll sleep under two separate bedsheets because we might end up sleep-fighting over one. We'll have deep conversations. We'll go for walks. We'll share things.

...because I'll be masking the whole time...

...then the mask will fall off.

Then I'll randomly go silent. I'll fall off the face of the earth. I'll strangely stop responding to messages. I'll mysteriously stop answering calls. I'll spend most of my time staring into nothing, like a Sim left on manual control and then abandoned. I'll randomly go on autopilot and make dinner or complete an errand without speaking. I'll turn into a subservient drone with a semi lifeless expression. He won't "know" what's going on.

And he'll get upset. "Oh THIS again," he'll say, out of exhaustion, out of annoyance. He won't tell me right away that he's bothered. I'll find out because he, too, will suddenly go quiet. He'll stop asking what's wrong. He'll stop waiting for me to "get my act together." He'll stop trying to figure me out. He'll stop being curious.

He'll find someone else. Someone easier. Someone who makes him feel needed. And I'll just end up finding out that way.

Because dealing with me was just too much much. The hangups. The on-again-off-again contact. The robotic/AI-like disposition. The random dark moments about leaving this world and nothing mattering afterwards. He'll grow weary of it.

And he'll leave.

And there won't be anything I can do about it but accept it and move on.