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Here's a snip of chapter 30 of The World on Our Shoulders. Some of you may have seen versions of this before :> More soggy emotions, because, of course. OF COURSE.
Teldryn buried his face in his hands and Geldis squeezed his shoulder. He let the silence wash over him — not that it was actually silent. The crowd left him anonymous, another sad fool alone at a bar, which, to be honest, was for the best.
“She doesn’t want me here, either. She wants to go home, back to just…everything she had before. Even after what we’ve survived. Even after realizing what we are,” Teldryn said. He picked at the sweetroll again, crumbling it onto the plate. “She doesn’t owe me anything, of course. I was the s’wit who thought for half a second the feeling was mutual. And clearly, I was wrong.”
“Did you ask?” Geldis asked. Teldryn glared at his friend.
“Oh, I don’t know, Geldis. Did I ask my married friend if she lo — ” He paused and cleared his throat. “No, I didn’t ask her.” He sighed heavily again and crossed his arms over his chest, mind filled with the iciness of the distance she’d put between them, even after everything. A whole northern sea, dark waves to drag him under and everything. He’d added to it, too, not innocent at all in the endeavor. He shivered. “I didn’t have to.”
“You’re an idiot, Teldryn Sero, that’s what you are,” Geldis said evenly and put up a hand to prevent him from protesting this. “You’re gonna carry this around until it tears you apart instead of resolving it — just like a hundred other issues I’ve seen you struggle through. And you know what? It is, in the end, up to you to make the changes instead of cozying up in the corner over there deep in your cups, becoming another mess I’ve got to clean up.” He leaned in and shook Teldryn’s shoulder. “Even if it’s a no, it doesn’t mean this is the end of the world. But clear the air, for Gods’ sakes. And let her go if that’s what she wants. Plenty of fish in the sea, no matter what you believe about fate and other nonsense.”
Fate and other nonsense indeed.
He didn’t say anything at first. Geldis understood part of this, in his way, but not the entire story. Not the echo. Not the gravity of the situation Nyenna was about to face. Teldryn had lost someone he’d loved before due to the trappings — or failings — of heroism, watching across a vast expanse of sand as the earth quaked under his feet, leagues away from the damage. The Red Year, not long after he’d chosen to leave everything behind. A whole life he’d refused, a whole person he could have been instead of…this. He was no stranger to wrong choices and the urge to simply…run away. To put it all behind you and keep going. From an ultimatum or a destiny, it didn’t matter — the cause was the same. Guilt, fear, grief, and a deep unshakable conviction that you are simply not good enough. And have never been.
Sometimes she visited him in his nightmares, the one he’d left for the job in Elsweyr. She was still so clear in his head, almost two hundred years later, like he had only just turned from her offer of peace. When the horrors faded and left room for regret, he felt the memory of her hands held tight in his like the ghost of a missing limb. Every so often, he swore he could still smell the light scent of her coda flower perfume, her own recipe mixed with sweetbarrel blossoms and the spice of juniper. There was never a time back then when his mind hadn’t been occupied with feeling stuck, so why did she still torture him like this? It was as if she served as a haunting reminder of what could happen the second he let himself be seen. It would all be gone from him in a flash, and then what?
He did not deserve peace. Not then, not now. Part of him was still convinced all of this chaos with Nyenna was just another extraction of debt due to one God or the next for that specific misstep. Sometimes he could go years without remembering. Years soaked in Sujamma, true, but years nevertheless. But then, times like these? Given the chance to start over, it seemed he never quite could. Or perhaps he was never quite worthy. He both wanted to walk away and couldn’t.
Geldis was right in a way. Maybe if he cleared the air, then he could go and prevent another disaster. Or try. And then it could be the same as it’d always been. Square one. And Nyenna would fade from his memory, same as the rest, eventually, no matter how long it took. He had eternity, anyway. It would be better this way. Hurt less, if he was lucky, if he could find the words to begin with.
Sure. You keep telling yourself that, you s’wit.
He wanted another Sujamma, but he knew it would do him no good. He took the sweetroll that he hadn’t crumbled to nothing and bit into it like an apple. There were things to do to prepare for the trip to Skyrim. Geldis would have to accept the subject change. He wasn’t going to bring up things that had been done with long before Geldis was even born.
The World on Our Shoulders | Chapter 30: As It Was Before
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
11th of Sun’s Dawn 4E 202
"Teldryn!! Gods, where on Nirn have you been!? If it wasn’t you, I would’ve been half-worried you were dead somewhere out there!” Geldis shouted as the two of them filtered into the Netch, pockets filled with Crescius’s coin and cloaks covered in ash.
“Geldis!” Teldryn laughed, though it came out nervous. He hadn’t meant to worry the man, but his focus hadn’t been on writing home, to be perfectly fair. Things had gotten complicated quickly, and there was little else he could do but keep draining every ounce of Magicka he had, day in and day out until the problem was sorted. Geldis both would understand why and admonish him for it anyway, so he’d explain himself when things quieted down.
Teldryn looked around the Netch in surprise. There were so many patrons around the bar and crowding every table, it almost didn’t feel like the same tavern. Many of them stopped talking to eavesdrop. Teldryn scratched his chin through his scarf as Geldis shot out from behind the counter and grabbed his shoulders before closing him in a rough embrace. He clapped his back and almost knocked the air out of him. Teldryn steadied his friend’s shoulders. Geldis was, at least, grinning as he shook his head in disapproval. Nyenna scooted forward as a couple patrons filed away from them, looking on in unfiltered disgust at the interruption. Geldis startled as he noticed her in her dented armor.
“And Nyenna! Ah, you made it in one piece,” Geldis said. “Gods, but the guards couldn’t find a trace of either of you down in the mine. I was beside myself!”
Nyenna smiled and said, “You did tell me he does a fine job at keeping people safe.” She paused and glanced over her shoulder at him. “And that he did. I didn’t mean to keep him away this long.”
Teldryn felt his face flush, and was once again thankful for the helmet, broken as it was at the moment. Gods, if she would just — the entire cold shoulder situation would have been easier than —
Oh, curse this.
He cleared his throat. “We made it through just fine, Geldis. I meant to write. We’ve been at Tel Mithryn, recovering.”
Geldis shot him a worried glance. “Recovering from what, exactly?”
“We’d faced a bit of trouble after leaving the mine, which turned out to be connected to some kind of crypt,” Nyenna explained. “I got hurt along the way, is all. Everything that could go wrong went wrong, but we made it out.”
Geldis furrowed his eyebrows as she was speaking. The two of them probably looked like a sorry lot. Broken helmet, dented armor, road dust and inner turmoil. But sure. Made it out, alright. -> Read the Rest on AO3
