A continuation of this.
“That’s my name darling,” he said flatly, his usual false charm failing him. Astarion tried to smile but even he can feel it was strained, the action barely even making his lips curl. You brushed your thumb ever so gently across his cheek, like you were wiping away tears that had yet to fall. Astarion took a deep breath, bracing himself for what was to come. Even though he doesn’t want to his mind was already supplying him with a dozen rude and somewhat dismissive things to say, things that will make it seem like he never cared for you at all when the reality is that you were probably the first person in centuries that he had truly cared for.
Your sudden movement startled him, Astarion stumbling backwards as you wrapped your arms around his neck and buried your face in his neck. He stood there stunned, arms spread out on either side and his eyes wide in disbelief. The two of you had hugged several times before and Astarion had enjoyed the closeness greatly but every other time you had asked him if it was ok first, adorably hesitant as you waited for him to either welcome you with open arms or turn you away. You hadn’t asked this time, had just flung yourself at him with complete and utter abandonment and were clinging onto him like some kind of limpet. He didn’t hate it, never had despite the show he made of letting you do it, like it was some huge inconvenience that you were forcing upon him. You had never seemed this desperate before though and Astarion didn’t know how he was supposed to act or what your sudden need to be close meant.
Just like the first time you had wrapped your arms around him in the unexpected gesture of comfort Astarion found himself once again hesitantly wrapping his arms around you, his touch as light as possibly could be as he placed one hand on the small of your back and the other between your shoulder blades. Despite his confusion Astarion found himself sinking into your hold with a sigh, his eyes falling shut as he let the side of his head rest against yours. It was strange, how comfortable he felt within your arms, even now when he knew it would most likely be the last time he would get to have this.
“I’m sorry,” you mumble into his neck, breath warm and sending a shiver down his spine. Astarion tightened his hold on you, pulling you as close into his embrace as he could. He doesn’t want this to end because despite his best intentions he had gotten rather attached to you and yet he knows it must, for his own sake at the very least. “Come now darling, there is nothing for you to apologies for,” Astarion reassures you, his voice surprisingly soft and steady. That had been the easy part though and he needs to force the next part out, the words feeling like led in his mouth and tasting just as bitter. “If you wish to take Gale as a lover then who am I to deny you that.” He sounds just as heartbroken as he feels, his fingers curling into the fabric of your blouse like he can somehow keep you there with him despite the fact he had just told you he wouldn’t stop you from pursuing the wizard.
“WHAT!” you exclaim loudly, jerking back out of his hold and looking at him like he had gone completely insane. Astarion stumbled back at the sudden movement, his arms thrown wide to avoid hurting you as you scrambled to put some distance between the two of you. “What?” he asked in confusion, “What do you mean what?” He didn’t understand what in the hells was happening and your clear shock and what possibly could be horror was not helping things. His head hurt, brows furrowing as he tried to figure out what in the nine hells you wanted from him. He had told you it was fine for you to take the wizard into you bed despite how sick it had made him feel to utter such words, had practically absolved you of any guilt you might feel about the whole mess and yet here you were acting like he was the one sprouting utter nonsense. He was quickly running out of graciousness and if you didn’t scurry on back to camp and Gale soon Astarion didn’t think he would be able to keep himself from saying something truly awful that would put an end to whatever semblance of friendship he might have been able to salvage from this mess.
“You,” you accused, point your finger at him, “you said I could take Gale as a lover.” Astarion blinked stupidly at you, unsure of why you seemed so offended. “Well yes darling, that tends to be what happens when two people want to sleep together.” He spoke to you like you were an idiot, voice condescending as he relaxed into a more casually guarded stance. Your eyes widened at his words, your mouth opening and closing silently like a fish floundering on the fishmonger's slab. Astarion smirked slightly at the comparison, letting out a small huff of amusement as he imagined you flopping around like a fish desperate to get back to the water. His small moment of amusement was short lived though as it seemed to be the thing to kick start your brain again because the next thing he knew you were shouting at him like he wasn’t less than a foot away from you, your cheeks red with anger and fists curled tightly at your sides. “I do not want to sleep with Gale.”
He should be worried, should try to de-escalate the situation because he had never seen you quite so angry before but Astarion wasn’t known for being level headed, nor for doing the proper thing. Plus, he found your anger somewhat thrilling, his cold dead heart fluttering slightly now your attention was firmly fixed on him. “Of course you do,” Astarion scoffed, rolling his eyes at your adamant refusal to admit it. Hoping his behaviour would fan the flames of your anger. “No need to deny it darling.” Your scowl deepened, clench fists tightening and eyes practically glowing with your anger as you forced out your next words through clenched teeth. “Out of the two of us I think I would be the one to know who I want to bed.”
Your insistent denial of what he had seen with his own eyes had any enjoyment he was getting out of this back and forth drying up, his own anger bubbling up in a hot and agitated mix that left him practically snarling at you like some sort of animal. Why were you making this so unnecessarily difficult? Astarion wanted this to be over and done with already so he could go drown his sorrows in the neck of some wild beast that took more than quick reflexes to take down. Just, why couldn’t you do what he wanted you to for once and let him suffer in peace? “If you don’t want to be his lover then why have you been spending so much time with him then?” It was his turn to accuse you now, unable to keep the sneer out of his voice as he practically spat the word lover at you like it was bitter poison on his tongue.
As soon as the words are out of his mouth Astarion wants to take them back. Not because he doesn’t mean them but because he had never wanted it to be so blindingly obvious that your little flirtations with Gale had affected him so deeply. It was an admission of weakness, a weakness that Astarion had never wanted to fall prey to. Had never wanted anyone to know existed, especially you. He should have known, this was you after all and despite every wall he had built and casually callous comment he had thrown out you had wormed your way into his heart, burrowing under his ribs and leaving him weak to every last morsel of your affection he could get. You had completely ruined him and he had let you because he had wanted you to see him for who he was and not some pathetic hollow shell of a man, good for nothing but a quick fuck and a beating. He truly was a pathetic excuse of a man.
You’re anger seemed to melt under his hash glair, instead looking at him like he’s lost his mind. Like he’s the one acting crazy and irrational when clearly, you’re the one who is suffering from some sort of brain damage brought on by the bloody worm living free of charge in your head. “Because he’s my friend Astarion,” you insisted, sounding exasperated yet honest and still Astarion didn’t believe you. He couldn’t believe you because it all just sounded like excuses now. Little lies to sooth his pain when the truth would have hurt far less. “Oh please,” Astarion scoffed, “no one would willingly subject themselves to his dull and fanciful drivel if they weren’t hoping to end up under him.” He certainly wouldn’t. Had in fact had to stop himself on several occasions from stuffing a sock in the other man's mouth just to get him to be quiet for more than five seconds. He highly doubted that you, with some form of intellect, would subject yourself to such drivel if you weren’t expecting to get something more satisfying out of it.
Your eyes narrowed, jaw visibly clenching as you folded your arms defensively across your chest. “I like his stores, they’re stupid and help distract from this shit show we’ve ended up in.” You tilted your chin up slightly, eyes glinting with conviction and challenge, like you were daring him to prove otherwise. Normally Astarion would find your confidence and unwavering conviction rather charming. He would take grate delight in watching whoever you were focused on at the moment squirm and fold under your hard gaze but normally he wasn’t the one caught in it. Normally he wasn’t falling apart at the seams and rapidly losing grasp of what was going on. “Really darling?” Astarion scoffed, “Lying isn’t very becoming.”
That does the trick, Astarion practically able to taste your anger as it comes rushing back into focus. “I’m not lying you dense idiot!” Astarion gasped in indignation, a scathing comeback already on the top of his tongue but you cut him off, your voice raised and full of anger that Astarion was quickly becoming familiar with. “Why in the hells would I want another lover when I’m already in love with you?”
Everything goes silence, Astarion’s eyes wide as your words settle heavily in the space between you. He can see the realisation dawn on you as you realise what you have just admitted to. Can see the panic fill your eyes and your fight or flight instincts beginning to kick in. You hadn’t meant to say it and yet you had, those deceptively simple little words taking shape and shifting reality to accommodate them. You loved him.
Naturally Astarion panics. It’s to much, to soon. To frustratingly perfect because this was exactly what he had planned to happen from the moment he had decided to join your little ragtag group of misfits and weirdos. He had wanted you to fall for him. Had wanted you to love him enough that you would protect him, fight for him, kill for him even but now that it’s happened, that he’s gotten what he wanted he wants you to take it back. You couldn’t possibly love him, not truly. How could anyone ever love him when he was nothing more than a broken and battered puppet with its strings cut, blood stained and hollow. And yet there is a spark of something behind his ribs, embers of something long forgotten glowing bright once more.
“What?” He manages to croak out, his eyes wide and filled with shock. It’s a hollow victory, one that leaves him feeling sick. “Nothing.” You’re quick to dismiss it, attempting to brush it away and hide it like it’s something to be ashamed of and Astarion wishes it was that simple, but he didn’t think he would ever be able to forget the way your eyes had burned with anger and annoyance, your voice loud enough to reach the gods as you had shouted your confession at him. “No, you said…you’d said that you…” He can’t quite get the words out, his tongue feeling heavy in his mouth and his mind to scrambled to make sense of what was going on. “No, I didn’t.” Astarion narrowed his eyes at you. Fine, if you wanted to be as stubborn as a mule about it then two could play at that game. “Yes, you did,” he said in the same matter-of-fact tone as you had, taking a probably unacceptable amount of joy in watching your eye twitch slightly.
His sense of victory is short lived as you seem to deflate, your shoulders slumping as you look away from him. “Why does it even matter if I did?” you asked though Astarion thinks it’s supposed to be rhetorical, your voice small and broken sounding as you finally turned away from him. “You clearly don’t care, or you wouldn’t be trying to palm me off on to Gale.” That’s not true, not in the slightest. Astarion doesn’t want you anywhere near Gale. Would be incredibly happy if you forgot the blasted man even existed, even happier in-fact if you let him push the dull man off the next cliff you passed. But you had been interested in the wizard, practically making heart eyes at him every time he came sniffing around. Or at least that was what Astarion had thought you wanted. He had thought that you were seeking physical comfort elsewhere when he couldn’t provide it, searching for a connection that went beyond intelligent conversation and quick whit. So, he had done the right thing, planning on letting you go with minimal fuss in an attempt to lessen your guilt and ease his own pain but nothing with you ever went the way he wanted it to.
He’s the one left floundering this time, suddenly unsure of what he thought he knew. The guilt he feels doesn’t help matters, sitting heavily in his stomach and making him feel sick. “I am not…” Astarion starts to protest but you either don’t hear him or don’t care, cutting him off before he can finish. “I just, you could have just said if you weren’t interested anymore.” You turn back to look at him, eyes a stormy mix of anger, pain and regret that cut through Astarion’s cold dead heart like a blade of ice. How could you possibly think that he had no interest in you? Astarion adored you, much to his own annoyance and though he wasn’t ready to let down all his carefully crafted walls just yet he had thought you had at least understood that. “What? No, I’m…” You cut him off again, your words ringing with a finality that had him truly panicking. “It’s fine Astarion, I get it. You don’t have to worry about this,” you gesture between the two of you, hand limp and lacklustre, “being an issue anymore.” You didn’t give him a chance to answer, turning away from him as you started to make your way back towards the camp, leaving him stood there as still as a statue and feeling just as heartless.
Astarion’s panic grew with every inch of space that was added between the two of you, his hands twitching at his sides in aborted attempts to reach out for you. He couldn’t lose you, not now, not like this and with every step you took away from him Astarion felt his chance to fix what he had broken slipping away from him. It’s a new kind of desperate hopelessness that has his mind scrambling for something that would make you stay with him. Pair that with his self-loathing because this really was a situation of his own doing and it was a miracle that he hadn’t just turned tail and run, shouting out a rather dismissive and hurtful comment as he went. He had to be honest with you, but he had never been very good at honesty, not with himself or others and the thought of having to be now left him feeling sick because all honesty had ever gotten him was pain and sadness.
“I was jealous!” The words rush out of his mouth in a mix of panic and desperation, his voice twice as loud as it had been and seeming to echo around the small space. It’s your turn to look at him owlishly now, eyes wide and mouth hanging open slightly in your shock as you slowly turn to look back at him. It makes him want to flinch away from you. To hide his weakness, this shameful dent in his otherwise pristine and sturdy armour. It hadn’t always been there but then he had met you and the weakness had grown. Like a hammer striking against metal until something gave way, a crack opening up across his chest that you had been able to slip your fingers into and force open further with every smile, every playful tease, every affirmation that he was enough just as he was. It was to much, yet still not enough and the words had come rushing forward to bridge the gap that had grown between you, Astarion unable to stop himself from admitting the painfully obvious truth of his behaviour.
Silence hangs between the two of you, not even the wind daring to disturb the rather ponente silence. The longer you said nothing the more Astarion wanted to take it back, to brush off this whole ridiculous situation and disappear off into the woods but he knew he couldn’t, not if he is to have any chance of salvaging some sort of relationship with you. “What?” You finally break the silence though Astarion had been hoping for something a little more eloquent and longer and for you not to sound so confused by the notion of him disliking the attention you gave the others, especially Gale of all people. “I was jealous,” he repeated, thankfully able to keep his voice quieter and calmer the second time round. “Why?” The suspicion in your voice was hurtful but considering not five minutes ago he had been pushing you towards Gale’s limp embrace he couldn’t really blame you for not believing him.
“Because I, well. You and I are…and I,” Astarion stumbles over his worlds, any eloquent declaration of his feelings vanishing with a frustrated sigh. No matter how badly he wished to return the sentiment he just couldn’t. He’s not ready for that yet, hasn’t come far enough yet to fully trust another with that show of venerability. He wants to though, one day that is. He wants to see the smile that would spread across your face in unbridled joy and devotion as he said those three little words to you. Words he had already jokingly said but now they needed to truly mean something he couldn’t force his lips to form. “You know why,” he said solemnly, giving you a look that he hoped would convey everything he couldn’t quite bring himself to say.
Astarion gets to watch a whole myriad of emotions dance across your features in a rather short amount of time. There is confusion, doubt, anger and realisation but at the end comes understanding, your features softening considerably. “Astarion.” The way his name sounds on your lips, like your heartbroken and full of sorrow has him looking away, unable to stomach the pity he knew would be shinning so brightly in your eyes. He wants to move on quickly, a witty and slightly self-deprecating remark already on the tip of his tongue but you surprise him once again, appearing in front of him like magic. A dream that his fragile and broken mind had conjured to ease his suffering.
You are ever so gentle as you reach up towards him, fingers caressing his cheek for just a moment before they are gone. You softly cup his jaw, fingertips slipping into his hair and thumb just brushing across his cheek. Astarion goes deathly still, like a statue as he watches you with wide and confused eyes. You are touching him again, a lover's caress if he was sentimental enough to call it something more. Surely that was a good thing? If he had truly ruined things between the two of you than touching him would be the last thing on your mind. Unless you were intending to slap him that is, but you're not. At least he doesn’t think so anyway, and he wouldn’t be inclined to stop you if you were, after all he deserved it for his little tantrum. You don’t slap him though and those few seconds of skin on skin contact are enough to let doubt, and uncertainty come creeping back in, a voice at the back of his head that sounded far too much like Cazador whispering that he wasn’t deserving of love and he was foolish to think anyone like you would give it to him willingly and without a price.
Astarion wants to look away; to hide his shame but he is stuck within your gaze, trapped as you look back up at him with a serious determination that leaves him silent and somewhat obedient in the moment. “There is nothing going on between me and Gale, nor between me or anyone else.” Your voice doesn’t waver, so sure and confident in your admission. He wants to find fault with your words, a lie that will unravel your words and prove once and for all that no one is as kind and as accepting as you claim to be. He doesn’t find it though, not even a whisper of deceit and somehow that’s worse because that little spark of hope that had all but been snuffed out flickers back to life, bright and painfully insistent as the reality of his situation finally begins to sink in. “Right,” he said uncertainty, not sure what to say now that his anger and false bravado had run out of steam.
Like most situations that left him feeling uncomfortable and unsure Astarion found himself brushing it all off with a melodic laugh and dismissive wave of his hand. “Of course there isn’t darling. I mean, why would you go after someone else when you already have perfection in front of you.” He offered you one of his most charming smiles, hoping that it would be enough to mask the slight hint of uncertainty in his voice. He doesn’t think he is quite as successful as he hoped to be, your brows furrowing and lips pursing with concern with a slight hint of frustration that Astarion is surprised he doesn’t see more often when he gazes upon you.
Panic spikes once more at the back of his mind as you step back with a sigh, your hands gently pulling away and leaving him feeling bereft. His hands dart out to yours, cold fingers gentle as he takes one of your hands in his and lifts it up slightly between the two of you. Astarion is unsure how to continue from here, his eyes trained on his thumb as it rubbed gently across the back of your hand and desperately trying to work up the courage to say what needs to be said. This is a serious matter, as are most things that concern the heart and he needs to tread carefully if he desires to undo some of the damage and hurt he had caused this evening.
By the gods he was a fool. He had been so close to losing you, the one thing that had actually gone right in his life and all because he was an insecure, jealous fool of a man who struggled to see the good in people after a lifetime of pain and deceit. And you were good, annoyingly so sometimes but that was part of your charm, a kind soul that was open and honest to a fault. If the two of you had met any other way Astarion would have found you an easy mark, easily playable to his whims and even easier to deliver to Cazador’s feet, a sweet thing sacrificed in exchange for a reprieve from the pain and suffering he endured night after night. The thought makes him feel sick, the realisation of how easily he could have missed out on this turning his stomach and making his heart ache. And yet it was nothing compared to the disgust and disappointment he felt towards himself for having almost destroyed this rather wonderful thing growing between the two of you. Astarion had hoped that with distance and clarity, peace of mind would follow but it seemed that no matter how far he ran Cazador still managed to keep a firm grasp on his mind and heart. No more. Astarion was free of that vile beast and his palace of misery and by the Gods he deserved something good for once in his wretched life.
“I am sorry,” Astarion started, his voice soft and remarkably calm considering the turbulent mix of emotions he was feeling, “It was not my intention to hurt you.” He ignores the slight arch of one of your brows, instead pulling in a deep breath as he prepared himself to be as honest and open with you as he could. “I had forgotten, what it is like to have someone genuinely care for you and I, well I,” he stumbles over his words slightly, his throat feeling uncomfortably tight all of a sudden. “Astar…” you start to say, voice calm and understanding but Astarion cuts you off with a sharp shake of his head as he raised a hand to silence you. He needs to say this to you now or he just might lose his nerve and never speak of it again.
Thankfully you fall silent, a light squeeze of his hand the only indication that you understood what he needed from you in the moment. “I had been waiting for the moment you got bored of me, to be cast aside and forgotten in favour of someone who could truly be with you.” It’s surprisingly easy to be honest and open with you. Though the truth leaves him feeling vulnerable and exposed in a way he dislikes greatly, it also eases a weight that he hadn’t realised was sitting heavy on his chest.
Astarion watches a multitude of emotions dance across your face, some of them so quick to pass that he doesn’t have the time to really register what it is you are feeling. As the silence stretches on though he begins to panic, fearing that his honesty had been too much for you. He wants to take it back, to laugh it off as just some silly nonsense brought on by a rather idiotic burst of jealousy. He could distract you with kisses and gentle touches meant to get your heart rate spiking and that far too intelligent mind of yours foggy with lust and longing. He’s still holding one of your hands in his and he lets his face fall down to watch as his thumb brushes over the back of your hand, the gesture meant to be soothing and offer some form of comfort but for who he wasn’t so sure. Maybe he should let go, take a step back and a deep breath so he could regain his bearings and take back some form of control over the situation before it could get any worse than it already was. If that was even at all possible.
Your hand is warm on his cheek, touch ever so gentle as you caress the soft skin under his eye. Astarion hadn’t been paying attention though and the sudden touch takes him by surprise, his head jerking up to look at you with wide eyes. You don’t move your hand with him, his sudden movement dragging your thumb across his lisp and snagging on his bottom lip, tugging gently at the soft flesh. His breath catches, unprepared for the love he sees glowing in your eyes, sharp and intense and completely focused on him. Your thumb gently brushes across his lips, just once before you gently slide your hand back to curl around the back of his neck.
Astarion goes willingly as you press down slightly, guiding his head down to yours as you tilt it back slightly and then his lips are brushing against yours, the ghost of a kiss that you had shared many times before. He lets out a shaky breath, his hold on your hand tightening. It seems to be the only permission you need because with your next breath you press your lips firmly against him, leading Astarion to a gentle and soul splitting kiss that has him whimpering, blindly grabbing for your neck with his free hand to keep himself grounded. He can feel your pulse under his thumb, steady and calm as you flay him open. It’s just a kiss, so similar to ones you have shared before and yet it leaves him feeling raw, only hanging on to his sanity by a thin thread of silk that is threatening to snap at any moment.
The kiss ends just as gently as it began, Astarion leaning forward slightly in an attempt to prolong it for just a moment more. With a sigh you press your forehead against his, your fingers toying with the soft hairs at the base of his neck. Astarion is once again lost for words, unable to do anything but stand there and stare at you in silent wonder. You do not seem to have the same problem, your warm breath making his lips tingle as your words slipped from your lips like silk. “I love you.” Those three little words, overused and cheapened through the centuries but somehow you still manage to make them sound so deep and meaningful, weaving them through the cracks in his soul as you breath new life into him. He can’t say them back, not now but one day he will and he vows there and then to repeat them time and time again until he has pressed them into every inch of your skin, until there is nothing left inside of you but the love and devotion he feels for you. One day he will leave you with no doubt in your mind of his devotion to you but for today he tightens his own grip on your neck, gently urging you towards him as he brushes his lips against yours. “I love you,” you whisper again and he can’t stop himself them, sealing his mouth against yours as he tries to drink the words from your lips.
The kiss is slow and gentle, Astarion delighting in having you close and knowing that he is the only one you want. Smug comes to mind and he is very much looking forward to rubbing this in Gales face. The poor bastard will be heart broken of course, but it will be his own fault for foolishly trying to pursue another’s lover. It’s truly going to be a delight to see all that anguish on the other mans face the first time he hears you declare your love for Astarion. He can already taste the sweet tang of victory, or maybe that’s just your lips as they glide across his with just the barest hint of tongue without the demand for more. It’s quite a tame kiss, and yet it’s one of the best he has ever got the pleasure to experience because it is you and it had followed your declaration of love for him. He suspects that these kinds of kisses will be his favourite for quite some time.
The kiss ends far too soon for his liking but you do not go far when you pull back, your forehead resting against his and your hand cradling the back of his head. There is a rather lovely moment where neither of you says a thing, just gazing at one another like a couple of live sick idiots. If Astarion saw anyone else like this he would have scoffed, a biting remark quickly rolling off his tongue about how disgusting and stupid they looked. Not you though. He had known that securing you affection would be a heady rush of power and security but he hadn’t been quite ready for everything else that came with it. His mistake really, because he hadn’t never considered the fact that he would feel even remotely enamoured with you in return. How foolish of him to have underestimated you like that. He really should have known better.
“So, are we both on the same page now?” you ask quietly, like you were afraid to be to loud and break the calmness between you. Humming softly Astarion lifted his hand, gently brushing the back of his knuckles across your cheek. “I believe we are darling.” You smile brightly at his words, truly radiant in the moment with the moonlight and darkened forest behind you. Astarion wants to kiss you again and now that he has secured your affection he supposes he can, when ever he wants to. And that was just what he was going to do now, humming slightly in satisfaction as he leant forward.
“Argh!” Astarion cried out, eyes wide and arms flailing beside him as you gripped his ear tightly and yanked him down by it. “If you ever do anything like that again Astarion I swear to the gods that I will tell Lae’zel that you want nothing more in this life then to suck on her toes after an eight hour hike,” you hissed angrily, eyes alight once more as you threatened him with something truly horrific.
Astarion’s stomach rolled at the thought, knowing perfectly well how putrid the Githyanki’s feet got after spending the day walking through the sun-drenched hills and valleys of Faerun. Surely you would never dream of doing something so vile, not to him at least. “Do you understand.” You yanked on his ear as you spoke, Astarion now almost doubled over and hissing at the sharp tug of pain. “Yes! Yes!” He cried out, fingers curling around your wrist but not attempting to pull you off. He supposed that said a lot about how far he had come in his time with you. Before this whole nonsense with the brain worms and saving people, he would have snapped your arm before you could even get a hold of him. Now all he did was hold your hand still, eyes wide as he looked up at you and very conscious of how easily someone as delicate as you would brake if he just tightened his grip ever so slightly. He couldn’t be so careless to do such a thing now, even as he hissed and bared his fangs. You had just declared your devotion to him so it was only right that he kept you safe in return, even from himself.
There was a brief moment where the two of you glared at one another, Astarion able to feel your pulse under his fingers thumping away at an annoyingly steady rate. You are both angry, upset as well but Astarion would be a liar if he tried to say that your actions didn’t spark some form of smug possessiveness. You had practically declared that you were his indefinitely and though he was not foolish enough to think that you wouldn’t change your mind once it became clear how truly damaged Astarion was, he was selfish enough to grasp what you were offering him with both hands and refuse to let go until you cut them off and left him alone in the darkness once more.
Huffing you let go of Astarion’s ear, practically pushing him away from you and if it wasn’t for his agility and quick reflexes he probably would have ended up sprawled across the dirt at your feet. Scowl deepening Astarion stood up straighter, his hand going up to rub soothingly at his abused ear. “Gods, you’re maddening,” Astarion huffed, knowing full well that he deserved your ire and probably more. You rolled your eyes at him, shaking your head at his over the top reaction. “As are you,” you grumbled back.
The two of you glared at one another for a long few seconds, trying to will the other to back down. As it was you both seemed to crack at once, you laughing gently as Astarion scrunched up his face in disgust. “Really? Could you not think of something a little less putrid?” Honestly, he felt sick just mentioning it again. You shrug, smile falling and a seriousness settling on your features. “I love you Astarion,” you stated, refusing to lose eye contact with him as you spoke. Taking the few shot steps to you, Astarion cupped your cheek, his other hand settling on your waist.
There are so many things he wants to say to you, so many things that would reassure you of his feelings. Flowery words from poems and books detailing great romances, tainted with words he had used one to many times to entrap someone in his snare. He refused to use them now, refused to lump you in with those poor souls that had meet their end because of him. So he said the first thing that came to mind, his voice as steady and serious as yours had been. “Gale will have to pry you from my cold, dead hands if he wants you”.
His words startle a laugh out of you but before you can remind him that the wizard has no chance with you Astarion leans forward, pressing his lips against yours. It’s a gentle kiss, one that he hopes will show you all that he can’t even begin to form into words. You mean something to him, something that terrifies him and yet leaves him feeling like he could touch the clouds all at once. Astarion has never felt for anyone the way he does you and though that is rather frightening he is willing to grasp onto that feeling of elation, refusing to let you go until you were the one that asked him too. It was selfish of him to covert you so but no one could deny that was a rather strong aspect of his personality and Astarion would take every moment he could get with you, basking in your love like he did the warm rays of the sun.
When you pull away from one another you don’t go far, foreheads pressed together and staring into each other's eyes. If Astarion had a functioning heart he is sure it would be beating away like crazy, just like yours is. It’s a sound he enjoys, knowing it's because of him, for him. He could listen to your heart beating for hours, had in fact done that on several occasions as you lead asleep in his arms whilst Astarion waited for dawn to brake and the moment you would slip from his arms, leaving him lamenting the loss of your warmth.
“Say it again,” he asked, voice barely above a whisper. You smile ever so sweetly, bringing your hand up to cup his cheek once again. “I love you,” your voice is no louder than his but its full of so much love and conviction that it feels like you have shouted it from the mountain tops. You lean forward, pressing a quick kiss on his lips before saying it again and again and again, each time followed by a quick kiss that had him laughing, his hand on your waist tightening and pulling your closer.
Astarion didn’t think he had ever felt this wanted, this loved before and the thought that he had almost lost it because of his blasted insecurities and pig-headedness made he feel sick. He had been such a fool and though he could not say those three simple words back to you or promise never to hurt you or push you away again, Astarion knew that he would spend every day you granted him trying to show you how deeply he cared for you in any way he could. And if Gale had to meet and untimely end the next time they passed a cliff then so be it, his tragic demise was a price Astarion was more than willing to pay for your happiness.
Placing one last kiss on his lips you step back, Astarion whining at the sudden loss of your warmth. Chuckling you hold your hand out towards him and nod your head back towards the camp. Astarion drops his gaze down to your awaiting hand, suddenly acutely aware of everything you were offering him. A part of him is scared to take the chance, to open himself up to all the possibilities of pain and loss that could await him in the future. That part is smaller now than it was even just an hour ago, your confession though hard to believe offering a boost of confidence that he hadn't known he needed.
Smiling Astarion took your hand, that tiny spike of hope blossoming into to something fierce. You loved him and that was more than he had ever hoped to have in this life.
~*~
“Say it again.”
“Astarion,” you chastise him teasingly, a sweet smile on your lips and eyes sparkling with amusement. You are a vision, a true work of art with the early morning sun behind you and giving you an almost other worldly glow. Astarion wants to remember you like this for eternity, a shining beacon of love and hope in his otherwise grey and blood splattered world. It would be a memory he knew he would cling onto for centuries to come, even long after your bones had turned to dust and your name was nothing more than a whisper on his lips, completely forgotten by the rest of the world. A cherished memory that would be made that much sweeter with those three little words he found himself craving almost as much as the delectable blood that pumped through your veins.
Astarion reached out, gently taking one of your hands in his. He doesn’t look away from you, watching as your smile slips into something softer and just for him. He does not think he will ever grow tired of seeing you like this, so full of love for him that you see nothing else but him. “Just once more darling,” he urges, desperate to hear it once more. “I promise I shan’t ask again”. You raise a brow at that, knowing full well that is a promise he will not keep. Ever since the first time you had said it Astarion had yearned to hear it again. He had spent many hours that night chasing the words from your lips with his own, feeling you breathe them into him and filling him to the brim with a possessiveness that had yet to fully dissipate. You had practically screamed them to the heavens as he had sunk his fangs into your neck, one hand gripping his and the other cradling the back of his head as he drank his fill. It was strange how everything tasted so much better now he knew how deeply you cared for him, even the most bland and unpleasant badger somehow tasting sweet and succulent.
He tried his best to look sweet and innocent, titling his head down slightly and looking up at you through his lashes. You raised an eyebrow at him, clearly amused by his act if your wide smile was anything to go by. When he didn’t back down you huffed in amusement, rolling your eyes at him. “Fine.” Astarion’s smile widens as you give into him, shuffling forward slightly where he sat on an upturned tree to get closer to you.
All your attention is on him as you cup his cheek with his free hand, Astarion refusing to let go of the one that sat between the two of you. “I love you, Astarion.” He practically preens at your words, disgustingly smug about it all. It’s been days since you had first yelled you confession at him and though he was now closer than being able to return the sentiment he had found on particular way to show you how deeply he felt your love and how much he cared for you in return.
In one quick move Astarion curls his hand around the back of your neck and pulls you forward, pressing his lips against yours. It's a little more forceful then than your normal kisses, Astarion delighting in the startled moan you let out before sinking into it and kissing him back just as enthusiastically. Then again, you don’t normally have an audience. Angling your head slightly Astarion opens his eyes, his gaze locking with Gale’s across the last smouldering remains of the fire.
The wizard is glaring at him, fists clenched at his sides and the book he had been attempting to read abandoned on his lap. Its deliciously delightful, watching the man squirm in his anger and discomfort. It’s his own fault, trying to worm his way into your heart when he knew it belonged to another. Well, if he hadn't before he did now, Astarion taking every opportunity he could to get you to confess your feelings for him when the wizard was in earshot. Was it childish and slightly vindictive of him? Yes, yes it was but Astarion really didn’t care, glad to put the man in his place time and time again whilst reminding him who you belonged to.
Huffing, Gale snatched up his book before storming off back to his tent, Astarion able to hear him mumbling to himself about calming down and cursing Astarion’s existence. Astarion pulls away from you with a laugh, delighting in the other man's loss of composure. Your smile falls as you narrow your eyes in confusion. It doesn't take you long to realise why he is laughing, your head whipping around to look at where Gale had been just moments before.
“Astarion,” you hiss, smacking him lightly on the chest when he still doesn't stop his laughing. “What?” he asked when he finally managed to get his laughter under control, “it’s my fault the man is so ungracious in his defeat.” You role your eyes at him, both of you well aware that Astarion was antagonizing Gale for his own amusement. “Or, maybe you could be a bit more humble in your victory,” you raise an eyebrow at him but you are already smiling again, your obvious amusement not doing anything to make him regret his behaviour.
Smirking, he grabbed your waist and urged you forward until your legs were pressing against the inside of his. “Well, my dear, where would the fun be in that?” He doesn't wait for you to answer, leaning forward once more and pressing his lips against yours. Unlike the last one this kiss is soft and languid yet full of just as much emotion. They are his favourite kind of kisses, the two of you just getting lost in one another and he would be damned if Gale’s sour attitude was going to ruin this for him.
Maybe he should be nicer. Maybe he should be more reserved in his gloating and keep these moments between the two of you in the secluded comfort of one of your tents but Astarion didn’t want to. You loved him. Him. The cold, dead, blood-stained monster that had been broken and abused for so long, and yet you loved him despite all that. So no, Astarion would not be nicer and he would not keep this rather amazing relationship between to two of you hidden away like it was something shameful because you loved him and Astarion wanted the world to know just how lucky he was.
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I think that's everyone! Sorry about the delay.
