#genuinely want them to...dare i hope...collab...

[axelovin]

big day for annoying people (me)

[cyarskj1899]

[minkieater]

⋙ hold it down, DARE.

⪼ quarterback!mingi x fem!reader | PART TWO [FINAL] 14.2k ⪼ this is the second half of my very huge and massive installment for @sungbeam ‘s live alive collab ⋆˙⟡ thank you beamie duckie for putting this together! genuinely so happy and grateful to be in a collab beside so many other talented writers, i've met so many wonderful mooties & friends through this whole process, and im so glad to be beside them in such a banger ass collab!!! be sure to check out everyone else's bangers fr ⪼ smut minors dni 18+ | p in v, fingering, dirty talk, you and mingi are both sluts, wooyoung lore, LOTS of cursing, insults, toxic til it's not. i don't want to spoil too much but they're in college so they drink and do college kid shit. if you made it this far thank you so, so much for reading, sorry i had to split it lol, this fic is genuinely my baby and everything i could ever want in my life. i hope you enjoy xoxo

When was the last time you cried? Like seriously, actually bent over and cried real tears into your palms? When was the last time it was at the hands of a man? Did you even have something to cry over?

It was too confusing, you didn’t have the energy to pick it apart while heaved sobs rip from your throat. Was this a release? Too much emotion built up inside, with nowhere to go? The tears began after picking an argument with a still-drunk Yeosang in the car, pointless, yet you still left him to fend for himself while you ran up the steps to your apartment, still fighting to keep the sobs inside. 

Alone in your living room, sitting hunched over on the couch, face in your palms, you cried. 

And cried, and cried, and cried. 

Your phone lights up, sitting face-up on the coffee table, multiple notifications from the square, pink icon that’s been draining your battery all fucking day. You can only imagine what they say, what vile fucking things are waiting for you, all from real accounts, real people who hate you because of Song Mingi. 

Maybe it’s masochism, or maybe you need to keep the release flowing, a devil on your shoulder tells you to unlock your phone and read. You make it through three before your shoulders shake all over again, your phone falling to the floor, you have half a mind to smash the screen so you can’t look even if you wanted to. Curling up onto the couch, you let yourself cry, you sink into the feeling, into the emotion; if you let your brain wander enough, you can still feel his covered palm on your skin, his lips on yours, you can still see his eyes, how he looked at you. So fond, affectionate, so fucking different from any man who has ever looked at you, ever.

There’s a knock at your door, rendering you quiet, sniffing up snot that dared to fall. 

“Hello?” You call out, sounding so unlike yourself you cringe.

Three presses of someone’s knuckles at your door again, you whimper as you push yourself up off the couch to open it. Hand on the knob, you close your eyes, sucking in a deep, grounding breath. You hope you don’t look insane. 

Just as another knock sounds, you open it. Standing with his fist out, he wears a blank face, one that warps into confusion then concern as he looks you up and down. “Are you okay?”

“What the fuck are you doing here, Wooyoung?”

“I came to get my hoodie,” he shakes his head like that was beside the point. “What’s wrong? Are you crying?”

“Have you gotten your eyes checked recently?” You sniff again, wiping at your nose with your bare wrist. It’s clear you’ve been crying, are crying, sounding nasally on top of your appearance, you can’t be bothered to care. “What do you want, for real? I know you’re not here for your fuckass hoodie.”

“I broke up with Winter,” he admits easily, too fucking easily. 

There’s no feeling in your gut, no excitement, no disappointment, there’s nothing. Your face reflects it, shoulders shrugging, free arm flying to say okay? You feed him an irritated laugh, “Congratulations?”

“I broke up with her because I miss you,” he tries again, “she isn’t you.”

His hair is messy, undone. Clothes dark, hanging off him, like he rolled out of bed to come here. You study his face, his mismatched eyes, the dot of espresso that sits on the apple of his cheek. There’s nothing unclear about the way he’s looking at you– there’s the hinge in his jaw, his dilated pupils, his slouched shoulders, deflated. Like he didn’t want to admit it, but here he is. 

“No shit,” you sniff again. “What was the plan? You come here, confess your bullshit to me, I take you back, and we live happily ever after?”

“I’m not going to give you a bullshit speech,” his gaze averts to the floor, “I know you have a boyfriend. I just wanted you to know, I needed to get it off my chest.”

You laugh again, and it’s accompanied by disbelief and shock, but what rings truest is understanding. You lean into your door, still wide open, “You don’t have to lie. She found out, didn’t she?”

He glances up, “You’re the only one who gets it.”

“I’m the only one who put up with it,” you correct him, “those days are over.”

“Why are you crying?” He asks, straightening again. “What happened?”

“Nothing you give a fuck about.”

He takes a step forward, hands reaching out, but he doesn’t touch you. “I care about everything that involves you. What happened?”

You hold his stare, your jaw locking. Familiarity, routine. Pattern. 

“If I asked you,” your voice comes out shaky, you clear your throat, “to fuck me, would you do it?”

“You have a boyfriend–”

“Would you fucking do it?”

His hand wraps around your jaw, searing your skin, lips smashing onto yours like he was fucking waiting for it. It’s blinding, dizzying how he pushes you backward, kicking the door shut behind him, lips rough and tongue taking, your mind shuts off in a second’s time. Muscle memory kicks in, Mingi’s jersey on the floor, mini skirt hiked up to your waist, panties pushed to the side, this is it. This is everything.

This is all you’ll ever get, and you’ve made peace with it.

“Are you coming tomorrow?” 

Inside, at the very edge of the tunnel, tucked off to the side to avoid lingering eyes, Mingi’s vibrating with excitement, he can’t believe Winter is here and wearing his fucking jersey. He was already excited because they won their game; even if he knew they’d win and it was no surprise to him, Mingi played such a perfect game he was high off adrenaline, off arrogance, like absolutely nothing could go wrong. 

“Of course,” her back is against the wall, her head tucked right under Mingi’s outstretched arm. She wears a cute, dainty smile, almost innocent, it’s the cutest thing he’s ever seen. He has to fight his instinct to not tell her about the life he’s imagined for them. “I broke up with Wooyoung, by the way.”

This might be the best day of his fucking life.

“I’m… sorry?” He eases a smile, one that turns into a full-fledged grin when he sees how Winter smiles back.

She giggles, “Don’t be sorry. That night at the bar, she was right.” Winter bites her lip and Mingi wishes he could bite it for her. “Will she be there?” She asks, “Your girlfriend?”

“Huh?” Mingi’s brows furrow, then he remembers the bar, and then a picture of you in his passenger seat rushes through his mind. “Oh. I don’t know, I haven’t talked to her yet.”

“I saw her in your jersey,” she tilts her head to the side, a manicured nail between her teeth, “unfair, she gets the real one, and I’m stuck wearing this.”

“Not for long,” it rushes out of his mouth before he can think about it. He chuckles, nervously, “I mean, like, things aren’t really that great between us right now.”

“Oh, really?” Her brows lift in soft surprise, “She seemed kinda… mad, when she saw me in this. I told her I’m a huge fan, but she didn’t seem to like that answer. Does she get jealous often?”

Mingi’s brows furrow, head cocking to the side. Jealous? Mad? 

“What do you mean?”

She giggles, a hand covering her mouth, “I don’t want to paint her in a bad light, or make you guys argue or something.”

“We won’t,” he pulls his arm back to his side, sounding assured, “tell me.”

“She asked me why I was wearing your jersey,” she looks down at her shoes, then back up to him, “she looked really mad, Mingi, like she was seconds away from ripping it off of me or something. I was kinda scared.”

“Huh,” he looks away, he isn’t sure where. You were already acting off when you came down to the field, he could feel it, he could see it on you. How you forced a smile on your face, faked laughter, looked like Lucifer had come to pull you back down to Hell before he kissed you. 

For some reason in his stupid fucking mind, he thought kissing you would make it better. That you’d laugh, call him an asshole, brush it off like it was nothing– selfishly, he wanted it to make it better, he wanted to be the reason why. He wanted to see your smile, the real one, not that fake shit you were putting on so no one would shoot you a second glance. 

You looked like he hurt you instead. He supposes it’s time to break up anyways, if the conversation he’s currently having is any indication, there’s no real reason for you to be together anymore if everything had already worked out. But fear lingered, in the way you looked at him, in how you jumped away from him like he burnt you, it stuck heavy in his mind, scared that you wouldn’t be friends after this. He’s afraid you’ll never speak again. He’s terrified you’re the first real friend he’s ever made.

“I’m okay, though,” she brushes a hand on his chest and he doesn’t like how it feels. “She left me alone after that, that’s why I waited until she left to come see you.”

“I’m glad you’re okay,” he’s speaking, not thinking. “And no, she doesn’t do that often, I don’t think she’s feeling well today.”

Should he not have kissed you? Did that make everything worse? Did he cross a line, for real?

“I hope she feels better,” Winter smiles, showing off the pearly white teeth hidden behind her glossy lips, “are you doing anything tonight?”

“Yeah, I– um,” he looks around again, moving backward so her hand falls from his chest. Are you mad at him? Should he apologize? “The team is going out to celebrate tonight, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, you deserve the celebration for how well you played. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay,” it’s mindless, absent. 

He walks back to the locker room with furrowed brows and tunnel vision. Opening his locker, pulling out his phone, he doesn’t even take his jersey off before texting you. 

mingi: were having a party tomorrow at the house to celebrate mingi: if u wanted to come mingi: and im sorry for kissing u mingi: idk if i shoulda done that mingi: im sorry mingi: if u want we can break up tomorrow at the party mingi: a lot of people will be there

You stare at the pictures Yeosang sent you. Minutes go by, maybe an hour, you aren’t sure, but you’ve zoomed in on every inch of each picture, and the looming cloud of dread won’t dissipate for shit. You weren’t imagining how he looked at you, how he held you, it was eternalized in pixels on your screen. 

The more you stared, the more you hated it. 

“What’s that?”

You lock your phone, throwing it on the nightstand beside you. “Can you get the fuck out already?” 

He smacks his teeth, “We haven’t had a sleepover in so long, why so mean?” 

“I don’t like you,” you finally turn your head to see him. Eyes low with sleep, dark hair frizzy and sticking out in every which way, shirtless, littered with marks you’ve never been allowed to give him before. “I don’t want you here.” 

“Then why’d you let me stay?” 

“Because you did me a favor,” you run your hands over your face, rubbing at your swollen eyes, “but I have to prepare to break up with my boyfriend tonight, so unless you’re helping me come up with a plan, go.” 

“Just tell him you cheated,” he shrugs, and when you look at him he’s wearing the nastiest of smirks. “Worked for me.” 

“You didn’t even tell me, you fucking asshole,” reaching over, you smack him dead in his chest. “Get out of my apartment.” 

He laughs, slowly sitting up, giving you a pretty view of his spine, the tattoo that sits at the top, the muscles in his shoulders. You hum, head tilting as you stare, he really is pretty. You missed the sight. He turns his head halfway, “Have a smoke with me before I go.” 

You keep your eyes glued to him for a moment, his eyes peeking over his shoulder, he’s still shamelessly naked in your bed. So many things, Jung Wooyoung is, but most of all a complexity you don’t think you’ll ever fully understand. 

You sigh, soft, pleasant, almost. “Okay.” 

On the balcony, you’re in Mingi’s jersey you picked up from your living room floor, the first thing you saw when you realized you needed something on your body to go outside. He’s across from you, boxers on his hips, shirtless, comfortable. Always comfortable with you. 

He turns around to face you while your lips wrap around his cigarette, a Marlboro Red, he takes a second to watch you. His eyes don’t follow the smoke as it leaves your lips, they stay on you, analyzing, thinking. 

“What’s up with you?” He finally asks. “Don’t bullshit me.” 

Face going unchanged, you respond, “I think I like him for real.” 

He stares a second before breaking out in laughter. Hand clutching his stomach, his brows furrow, “So you slept with me because you like your boyfriend?” 

“I slept with you because you’re the opposite of him,” you reach out your arm, two fingers sliding the tobacco into his, “he freaked me out. He kissed— kisses me like he cares about me.”

“I don’t kiss you like I care about you?” 

“You kiss me like you’re saving the nice shit for her,” you huff, craning your neck, stretching your aching muscles. You really went too long without getting laid. 

Wooyoung’s brows wiggle, shoulders shrugging as he brings the cigarette up to his lips like he couldn’t argue with you even if he tried. “You don’t make sense.” 

You sigh, turning to face the balcony, the neighborhood below. So quiet, it was busier closer to campus; here, it was nothing but peace. Warm, not quite humid yet, a clarity in the air you haven’t felt in so long, you let the sunshine beat on your skin, the kelly-green polyester covering it. 

“You don’t need to understand,” you reach out your fingers, he places the cigarette between them. “Being with him is too much exposure, too many eyes on me. You should see my Instagram DMs.” 

“Bad?”

“Worse than bad.” Tilting your head, blowing smoke from your lips, you ask, “Wanna come with me tonight?” 

“To watch you break his heart?” 

“Something like that.” 

“I’m game,” he takes a step toward you, leaning over the balcony, shoulder touching yours. “Did you know Winter has a thing for him?”

“Yes,” you laugh a little, “you’re late to figuring that one out.” 

He stayed until the cigarette burnt down to the filter, shoving it in the ashtray you bought and kept on the small table in the corner, solely for him. You stayed on the balcony for what felt like forever after he showed himself out— sitting with yourself and your thoughts, flooded with Mingi, the inevitable end a part of you had begun to think might not actually come. 

FIFTH OUTING: THE BREAK UP, FOOTBALL HOUSE. 10:21 PM

Mingi has always been grateful for his height. It’s helped him tremendously, helping his mother much smaller than him, in football, with women. He remembers being a kid and being giddy about holding the caboose of his class’s line because he was the biggest. 

He thinks he’s never been more grateful than he is right now, facing Seungmin, looking over his brown head of hair clearly, effortlessly— you, in his living room, dancing like you didn’t give a fuck. Hair let loose behind you, your top clinging to your body like it was painted on, jeans hugging your swaying hips in a way that made him jealous of black denim. 

You greeted him like you weren’t here to break up with him, a soft hey rolling off your tongue, cheeks already flushed with liquor, shoulders already slouched. Mingi put his beer down on a table littered with empty bottles and hasn't once thought about picking it back up. 

You told him he looked good, apologized for his jersey smelling like cigarettes, which made him quirk a brow in confusion, but he forgave you in the same breath with a little laugh as you stumbled over your feet. 

Drunk. Cute. 

You didn’t mention the kiss, didn’t mention breaking up, you didn’t mention anything that happened in the last twenty-four hours. Mingi wasn’t going to remind you, not when you’re blissfully boneless, a smile permanently etched onto your cheeks, there wasn’t a line in your face to be seen. No worries, no stress, no anger, unaware like it was purposeful. You seemed like you needed it. 

“Hello? Mingi?” 

He blinks into focus, eyes back on Seungmin before him who wore furrowed brows and tilted jaw, staring at him expectantly. 

“Sorry,” he laughs a little, jutting his chin in the direction of you, making Seungmin turn his head. “Look at her.” 

“You’re sick,” Seungmin looks only for a second before turning back to Mingi whose eyes are glazed over, the younger man’s face rendered flat. “Obsessed.” 

Mingi giggles like he’s proud of it. No denial, no rebuttal, he thinks he might be, just a little, maybe infatuated was the better word. Especially since you’re not mad at him. The nerves he’s felt from last night leading up to when you walked through the door of the football house were full-bodied, eating at every vein below his skin, every organ felt like it wasn’t working right. 

You answered his texts, which should have eased him at least a fraction. 

princess: i kissed you back did i not princess: moron princess: ill be there  princess: and im breaking up with you btw

He couldn’t figure out a response, mostly because a huge part of him wanted to stall breaking up, but he couldn’t figure out why. Or he wouldn’t let himself, he should say, because the answer was staring at him in the fucking face: he likes you. He knows he does, Yeosang’s show confirmed it, forced it to the front of his mind, a life-altering observation— he’s so fucked. 

This is an arrangement. An even exchange, he gets Winter, you get whatever the fuck your plan with Wooyoung is. It dawns on him that he’s never even asked, there are so many things he wants to ask, so many things he wants to say, he doesn’t have enough time to say them. You made it clear yesterday that you wanted to break up. 

“Go get her,” Seungmin huffs, “I know you want to.” 

“I don’t dance,” Mingi looks at Seungmin like he’s crazy.

“Why else did you ask Woozi to DJ then?” 

“Fair.” 

Seungmin turns on his heel, toward the kitchen, maybe. Mingi takes one step before he stops in his tracks, eyes blowing wide, body running ice-cold. 

Like a shadow, he was at your back, hands on your hips, smiling like he was supposed to be there. Like you were allowing it. You clearly were, head tilted backward, smile wide as a laugh he couldn’t hear rolled off your lips. God, Mingi can’t even say his name— he’s a roach, a fucking rat that’s lingering around Mingi, waiting for the opportunity to give him diseases or something. 

He finds his feet moving, not aware of himself body slamming people who were minding their own damn business, certainly not aware of the anger that hung in the hinge of his jaw, in his clenched fists. He pulls you by the wrist, your name on his tongue, you barely notice. Hazy eyes finally landing on him, your smile widens, sparkles in your eyes shining brighter, your fingers tighten in the fabric hanging off his shoulders. “Mingi!” 

He eyes Wooyoung over your head, face flat, unimpressed, pissed off. Wooyoung’s smirk is cynical, as if he knows exactly what he’s doing, what’s happening. Mingi feels left out and he doesn’t fucking like it. 

“Where have you been?” You’re whining, head tilted to the side, lips pouty even if your body sinks into him more than it ever has before. You’re drunk. 

Mingi eyes dance over to Riyo and Jia, two of your friends, he thinks those are their names. One red-haired and wide-eyed, body rigid with fear as she meets Mingi’s gaze, the other dark-haired and panicked like she was already searching for a distraction, a way to get you out of this situation. 

Wooyoung speaks up before Mingi can get a word out, “Did you two break up yet?” 

Yet. His jaw clenches. Riyo and Jia turn confused. 

“We’re not breaking up,” Mingi responds, “fuck are you talking about?” 

“I need another drink,” you turn around, back leaning into his chest, laying your whole weight on him as your arms reach down to his thighs, palms splayed flat over denim for purchase. “Can we go find cutie Kai? He’ll get me one.” 

He can’t even focus on your hands on him, how mindless you are, he’s so fucking irritated. He ignores you, asking Wooyoung again, “The fuck are you talking about?” 

Wooyoung’s brows raise, smirk growing like he was about to drop a bomb. “Interesting, that’s what she told me this morning,” he takes a step closer to you, “right, baby?” 

“Huh?” You ask, body swaying, Mingi uses two hands on your waist to keep you steady. 

“You’re breaking up with Mingi,” Wooyoung repeats, “that’s why we had sex last night. Right?” 

Sorry if your jersey smells like cigarettes. 

He pushes you forward like you fucking burned him, just enough for you to fall into Wooyoung’s chest instead. Jia and Riyo are side-by-side, watching everything unfold like it was a train wreck they couldn’t look away from. 

“Wait,” hands braced on Wooyoung’s chest, you turn around, eyes wide and lips trembling. “Hold on a second.” 

Wooyoung pulls you into him, arms slithering around your torso like he knows every inch of your body. It makes Mingi sick, or it would if he could feel anything, his body’s numb like it didn’t belong to him anymore. 

“You fucked him?” His voice is pitched like he didn’t believe it. “He cheated on you,” Mingi feels like the three of you are alone, like this isn’t a party full of one hundred something people. “Twice.” 

“I know—”

“Then what, you don’t give a fuck?” His voice is raised, he doesn’t care. “What the fuck was the point then, huh? What the fuck was the point if you were just gonna go back to him?” 

Wooyoung cocks his head, “The point of what?” 

“Shut the fuck up,” Mingi blurts, “I’m not talking to you.” 

“Mingi,” your jaw drops, “I don’t—”

“You couldn’t wait?” Mingi asks, “Couldn’t at least have the decency to break up with me first before running right back to him?”

“I’m sorry!” 

The apology off your lips makes him stand straighter. It’s pleading, like you’re just asking him to be quiet, to stop, but it seems to screw his head back on his body, his consciousness forcing itself back into his six-foot build with vengeance. 

You call after him as he turns around, walking away as quick as he can, fingers tapping at his sides just to remind himself he has them. This can’t be real, he’s gotta be dreaming, there’s no way in hell that just happened to him. 

Is he just gonna leave you with Wooyoung? Drunk as you are? Is that why you’re so fucking hammered in the first place? You seemed so comfortable in his hold, Mingi wonders if that was you or the alcohol, he could see it in your eyes, the fear of being caught. The confusion, like you didn't understand why Mingi was so angry. 

You probably didn’t. You probably thought he wouldn’t find out, because why would he? You were supposed to break up tonight, be done with each other. A chapter closed. Mingi feels like turning on his heel and pulling you away from him, just to ask you every fucking question he’ll never have the chance to. 

He feels like apologizing. 

He feels like confessing. 

But he’s so fucking pissed he bullies into the kitchen instead, eyes on alert, searching for something he can’t place, anything that will rid him of this dirty fucking feeling. 

It’s full circle, he thinks, as his eyes land on Winter. Sitting on the counter, two guys in front of her, clearly chatting her up. 

Nah. 

Forcing a smile when he gets close enough, his voice carries a warning to the two unnamed, no-faced men. “Hey, beautiful.” They scatter. 

“Should you be calling me that?” She teases, hands gripping the edge of the counter, leaned forward, feet kicking where they hung. Hair pulled up, tiny top, little shorts, she looked bare-faced, natural. Pretty. Good enough. 

“I can’t be honest?” A cocky smirk, a character he hates playing. Approaching her pinned knees, they open, letting him step between them, he takes the silent offer. 

“You can be honest,” she nods, batting her lashes. “But I would rather you be mine.”

He has to force the twinge of disgust out of the back of his throat, tasting like coke-drip and disappointment. He didn't feel this way talking to her last night, Mingi blinks at her before a slow chuckle rolls off his lips. “Smooth.”

“Vodka makes me bold,” she shrugs, winking. “Problem?”

This could work. He could make this work. He has to make this work, actually. “I’m supposed to be the bold one,” he hums, palms landing on her bare knees, so soft beneath his burning skin. Her eyes drop to where their skin meets, but she makes no move to stop him. 

“I didn’t think you were available enough to be,” her eyes flicker upward, “do you have good news for me?” 

He nods, “You won’t believe it, actually.” 

Her brows furrow, smile faltering a little. “What?” 

“Don’t worry about it, nevermind,” Mingi shakes his head, “we don’t have to talk about her, we can talk about us now, finally.” 

They talked. And talked, and talked and fucking talked, Mingi heard every other word, something about her classes and school-air fucking up her makeup. Something about Wooyoung, he thinks, he tuned out after he heard that godforsaken name. Mingi didn’t really care, he wanted to kiss her, to fuck her, he hoped you’d find out and feel as shitty as he did right now. 

The tips of Winter’s sandals toyed with his pants, his hands planted on the counter, on either side of her thighs. He was so close to scoring he could taste it, this was the right outcome, the whole purpose. This is what he should have been focused on the entire time. 

“Bro,” Jaemin snaps him into focus, a pest at his side, a hand on his shoulder. “Your girlfriend’s on a table.” 

“Not my girlfriend,” Mingi shoves his hand off, but then the words sink in. He cranes his neck, “A table?” 

“She’s dancing on a fucking table,” Jaemin confirms, laughing like it’s funny. Like you aren’t piss-drunk and surrounded by people who don’t care about you. 

Mingi doesn’t even look at Winter again before he’s moving. Rushing past bodies, physically moving them out of his way as he follows the sound of cheering into the dining room, he can see you over everyone’s heads. No, this is full-circle, he thinks for just a moment at the entryway, here you are, in his dining room where the plotting truly began, where Mingi first lost his mind over the girl he could give two fucks about right now. 

Dancing, swaying your hips to whatever song is playing, something pop with heavy bass from the early two-thousands, it’s deaf on his ears. Arms above your head, smile absent, eyes absent, you aren’t even in your fucking body and everyone surrounding you is cheering you on. Mingi’s sick and he can feel every tapered edge of it. 

Bodies are glued together, phones out, he smacks two out of the air as he forces his way past. He spots Jongho and Yeosang, the only two trying to get you down, arms reaching out in caution, faces stressed beyond what they should be at a party. 

Mingi meets the edge of the table and he catches Wooyoung out of the corner of his eye, standing up against the wall, watching, smirking. Like he was loving every second of this. Like you wouldn’t want to rip your fucking hair out when you wake up tomorrow. Somehow it pisses him off worse that he’s watching you like this was reality TV, as if you’re not a real person, someone he slept with last night. He shivers. Rage runs deep.

“Mingi!” Jongho yells across the table, “Thank god you’re here, please get her down.” 

Bare feet— where the fuck did your shoes go? Hair stuck to you, shirt splotched with wetness, probably liquor, maybe worse. There’s bottles on the table, grinders open and full of weed, puddles of water, beer, solo cups from a game of pong. He can feel his heartbeat in his throat, panic, like he was responsible for you, for this. 

“Get down,” his voice stands out amongst the music, the cheers. Louder, heavy with direction, order. Like he’s on the field. 

Your head spins in every direction like you weren’t sure where the sound came from. Even now, irritated and shocked beyond belief, he softens at the sight of you. “Please, baby, get down,” his voice is layered with worry as you finally meet his gaze, eyes glossed over, smile lazy and gone. Holy shit. 

“You’re mad at me,” you drop down to your knees, pouting, fuck this table big enough to seat half the goddamn team, stopping him from pulling you away from each and every pair of eyes. 

“No I’m not,” he shakes his head, forcing a tight-lipped smile. “I’m not mad at you, I just want you to come to me.” 

On all fours, you start crawling across the fucking table, a lazy grin taking over like you didn’t have any eyes on you, so unaware that Mingi’s anxious. Head tilting, a split of consciousness entering your vision, you ask, “You want me?”

He swallows, nodding, a palm reaching out for you, “Yeah, I do.” 

Out of the corner of his eye, he catches a shadow of black leaving the room. He doesn’t look, keeping his eyes on you, each agonizing second of your arms and knees pushing you forward, not a semblance of haste to your movements. 

You reach out your arm when he’s close enough to grab your hand and he pulls you the rest of the way, hearing the slick sound of black denim sliding against shiny oak, he isn’t fucking thinking as he bends at his knees and throws you over his shoulder. You yelp, body deadweight over his back before your legs bend up in front of him, bare feet covered in a layer of grime, wet and sprinkled with god knows what. He sighs. 

“Put me down!” You yell, your tiny hands flat against his back, pushing yourself up. 

He turns, one arm holding your legs down, hauling you out of that room faster than he’s ever sprinted down a field. He spots Kai across the living room, a head of blonde hair standing tall over the crowd, the only face easy to spot at his full height. 

“Huening!” He shouts. Kai’s brows furrow when he sees him, bending into bewilderment when he sees you over his shoulder. “Get me my keys.”

“You drink?”

“Get me my keys, Kai.”

He feels you smacking his back, yelling something unintelligible as he hauls you through the living room, through the front door, the air outside no fucking relief to the sweat forming at the base of his spine. Down the lawn, to his car that’s parked at the edge of the street, he puts you down on the hood with a muddled grunt from the back of his throat. 

You lay back as soon as your ass meets steel. Eyes closed, head turned to the side, your arms straight out on either side of you, you heave a breath and mumble, “I’m s’fucking drunk.”

Mingi didn’t realize he was out of breath until he leaned into the side of the car, elbows resting on the roof plate. He laughs, a small one, full of disbelief and utter shock. “No shit.”

“You called me baby again,” your eyes peek open to point at him with a weak, bent arm, “you were nervous.”

Mingi feels seen. He squints, “You were gonna fall off the table, I had to get you down, of course I was nervous.”

“You like me,” you sing, arm falling back down to the steel with a smack, dopey grin on your cheeks. “You like me for realsies.”

Mingi snorts, pulling his arms off the roof of his car to step to the side, palms landing on the hood to lean forward. Your hand sways through thick air before your fingers wrap loosely around his wrist, “I like you too, even though you’re kind of rude.”

He wills his heartbeat calm. “You think I’m rude?”

“You’re so rude,” the words slur together, his lips tighten at the sound. You open your eyes again, “Wanna fuck on the car?” 

Mingi cracks a laugh, a belly laugh he couldn’t hold back, “What the fuck?”

You laugh with him, loud and obnoxious, the arch of your back lifting off the car, head turning to the opposite side before it snaps back to look at him. “Just a question,” you sing again, “jus’wonderin’.”

“Can I ask you a question?” He waits for your slurred mhm. “Did you really fuck Wooyoung?”

You suddenly frown, “Yeah, he caught me at a real vulnerable time. Do y’know what vulnerable means?”

He shakes his head, “Yes.”

“Means exposed. He caught me crying ‘cus you kissed me and you were nice and your Instagram army was calling me crazy shit.” Your eyes open all the way, “They’re wild on there, did you know that?”

“People are messaging you about me?”

You choke on a laugh, “So many people.” 

“Let me see–”

You scoff, “Fuck no.”

“Song!” 

He hears Kai shout from the tip of the lawn, Mingi turns and Kai throws his keys across the green, landing perfectly in Mingi’s palm like he aimed for it. “Thanks,” he yells back up, and Kai nods once before turning back inside. 

“Can you get up on your own or am I putting you in the car?” He receives nothing but a groan in response, a turn of your head in the opposite direction. He sighs. “Come on, you can’t even sit up?”

You turn your head back to him, “Why’d you kiss me?” 

“Because I wanted to,” he says it like it’s obvious. 

“They’re gonna kill me for it,” you grumble, “they’re gonna kill me and it will be your fault.”

“No one’s killing you–”

“Did you like it?” You’re blinking at him, knees opening and closing like you needed to move to remind yourself you’re conscious, "Kissing me?”

“I’ll tell you tomorrow when you’re so–”

“Tell me now.”

Mingi sighs, taking his eyes off you to look at the trees across from the football house. Tall, shadows filling space between them, calm. The music inside is muffled, bass still vibrating the ground beneath his feet. The confession sits heavy on his tongue. Fuck it. 

“Yeah I did,” he says it in one breath before he looks down at you again. Your brows are upturned, a pout on your lips, watching him until you hear what he says, then you smile. 

“Yay,” the word is light, cute. Then you look as if reality snapped back into you, “Damn, I probably shouldn’t have fucked him, huh?”

Mingi snorts as he walks around the front of his car, grabbing you by your wrists one after another, pulling you upward. “No,” he says, shaking his head, but his smile stays, “you shouldn’t have.”

“I’m sorry,” you mutter, then bring your hand up to your forehead, groaning. “Fuck, ‘m dizzy.”

“I’m taking you home.” He scoops you off his hood, an arm curled under your knees and another holding your back until he’s got you next to the passenger door, letting your feet touch the grass beside the curb. Opening the door, one hand still on your waist, he says, “Get in.”

Your body is a mess of tucked angles as you quite literally fall into his passenger seat, Mingi has to fasten your seatbelt for you when he finally gets in the driver’s seat. You smell like liquor, cigarettes, sweat– he rolls the windows down and you stick your head out like a dog. 

Twenty minutes to your apartment, no music, just Mingi and his thoughts. He thinks about her, his first girlfriend after he started becoming known, how the long-term relationship ended so soon after going public. Comments, DMs on every platform, it didn’t matter what revisions she made to her social media, the words still made it to her eyes, her ears. Nasty, disgusting, vile words and not one of them was true, Mingi hasn’t spoken to her since they broke up. She hates him, down to his core because of something he had no control over. It’s what put his wall up in the first place, made of brick, of steel, a wall so thick it didn’t let any emotion in, only desire. 

He can’t imagine what’s sitting in your phone. Terror lives in his grip on the steering wheel, white-knuckled, bottom lip tight between his teeth, brows furrowed in thought, in remorse. He didn’t think you’d be affected by his status since your relationship was fake, an oversight, one he regrets already. 

“You awake?” He parks just outside of your apartment, but your head doesn’t move off the window frame. 

“No.”

He reaches over, unbuckling your seatbelt, “Come on, drunkie.”

You moan something belligerent, picking your head up slowly, the seatbelt going over your head, stuck around your arm. Mingi can’t help but laugh as he rolls the window up, turning off the car, he expects to have to haul your ass inside. You let him, deadweight in his hold, your bare feet crossing over one another with each step, all the way up to the second floor. Thank god your building has an elevator.

“Key?” He asks. You point to the mat on the floor, eyes half open. He flattens his lips. “Yeah, we’re gonna have to change that.” 

You stand on your own long enough for him to get the door open, and he’s on alert this time, taking in his surroundings. The last time he was here he didn’t walk past the threshold, but now that he’s in, he can smell you everywhere. A large mirror next to the TV surrounded by plants, a tall lamp in the corner, a cozy couch set cream-colored. A coffee table filled with books, an unlit candle and his jersey thrown over it, your apartment screamed comfort, peaceful. 

His eyes squint at the Lego sets under your TV. An open shelved media console, a polaroid camera, a record player with flowers, a starry night painting, all Legos, it’s all he could pick out until you start moaning and groaning again.

“Uh-uh,” he grabs you by the wrist when you start making for the couch, “your ass is taking a shower. Where is it?”

You gasp, staring down at your feet, wrist limp in his palm. Your toes wiggle as you ask, “Where are my shoes?” You look back up at him wide-eyed, “I had shoes on, didn’t I?”

“I’ll find them at the house tomorrow,” he pulls you closer by the wrist, “come on, drunkie. Shower time.”

“I don’t like that nickname,” your top lip lifts, “you have better ones. Why are you here?”

“To get you into bed,” he starts leading you toward the entryway to his right, a small walkway he can only pray holds a bathroom at the end. “You smell like a brewery.”

You smile, following behind him like this was his apartment and not yours. There’s movie posters, framed paintings, decor on your walls he stores for later as more questions come to mind. He notes how clean and sophisticated you decorated, minus the closet door left open with clothes strewn about like you tore it apart before going out tonight. The bathroom tucked in the back corner is worse, makeup scattered across the vanity, pairs of shorts and underwear littered the white tile, you didn’t seem to mind as you walked in right behind him.

“Do I have to?” You sit on the closed toilet, back bending over the tank, head hitting the wall with a thump. 

He opens the shower curtain, turning it on, heating it up instead of answering. You giggle, more of a single sound of amusement, legs spread out in front of you, body molded to the shape of the toilet.

“Fine,” your grumble is somehow still amused, and Mingi swears it takes five whole minutes for you to stand up, toying with your skinny studded belt as your feet stumble over tile, fingers missing the prongs like you couldn’t get a grip.

He sighs again, sitting down on the toilet instead, “C’mere.”

Your hands find his shoulders for purchase, standing between his legs, body still swaying. He steadies you with two hands on your thighs and you lean into him, his touch, voice filled with pleased confusion, “You’re being nice to me.”

“I want to be nice to you,” he glances up at you, face flushed, eyes low, hair a mess. So vulnerable, a new word in his dictionary, to see you like this, for you to act this way in front of him. He wonders how much of it has to do with the messages in your phone. 

“Nice is scary,” you whisper as he starts undoing your belt, pushing the prongs out of leather, your grip stays tight on his shoulders. “You scared me when you kissed me.”

“I didn’t want to scare you,” he pulls leather through the loops of denim, throwing it on the floor. “Button?”

You nod, body swaying again, he holds you upright with his fingers tucked in the hem of your jeans. “No one has ever kissed me like that before,” you’re still whispering like you’re telling him a secret. He looks up after getting your zipper down, seeing your glassy eyes, your dilated pupils. Pretty. 

“I think that’s how you should be kissed,” the answer comes quickly, easily. Honest. 

Your hands find the hem of your top, pulling it over your head, throwing it to the floor beside you. He fights to keep his eyes on yours. Your forearms sit on his shoulders this time, finding them like magnets as you flip your hair over your shoulder, out of your face. He swallows, breath catching in his throat, “You should get in the shower, don’t waste water.”

“You didn’t like me when you met me.” It’s not a question, but an observation. A memory. 

He counters, “You didn’t like me either.”

“You were an asshole.”

“You’re sober enough to get in the shower–”

“What changed?” You ask, words sounding fragile, like you were scared of the answer.

“Everything,” he smiles halfway, leaning back an inch. The room feels hotter, steam taking up space, the sound of the shower hitting the tub a small hum, his ears ring with the quiet. “Most of all, me, I think.”

You’re looking at him differently, like you’re trying to figure something out. You reach up to his hair, pushing it out of his face, your touch featherlight, so delicate a shiver shoots through him like a firework. Your fingers glide over his temple, his cheek, you press your palm flat against his cheekbone, he leans some of his weight onto it, he lets you toy with him like he’s yours to do as you please. There’s a part of him that thinks he is, even if it’s fucked up, even if the two of you are still somewhere in purgatory.

“Pretty,” you mumble, a mindless word. “I can understand why they hate me.”

His bottom lip curls, “I’m so sorry–”

“No,” you shake your head. “Not your fault.”

His lungs twist hard enough to steal his breath. His hands find your hips, pulling you forward until his forehead meets the heat of your abdomen; so soft under him, fragile in his hold, you have no idea how long he’s waited to hear those words, no idea the weight they hold. No idea the guilt that lives glued to his spine. 

Your hands find his hair, fingernails scratching at his scalp, holding him against you like it’s where you wanted him, where he’s supposed to be. He thinks it’s where he’s supposed to be, too. He picks his head up only to place a kiss against your skin, a soft press of his lips over your stomach, it holds everything he can’t say to you right now. He hopes you can feel it. 

Your knees buckle a little, fingers stalling in his hair, he hears the breath you suck in, feels how you bend into him. “I’m drunk, don’t make me horny, I’ll jump you.”

He snorts, your words pulling a laugh straight from his gut, he leans back to look up at you, your fingers still in his hair. You’re smiling, lazy and stupid, but then you break away from him, thumbs tucked into your jeans like you’re about to shove them down. 

“Hold on, damn.” He stands on weak knees, quickly skipping out of the bathroom, he peeks his head back in just before closing the door. “Be careful. Shout if you need anything.”

“You’ll stay?” Your face is round with supplication. 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Hey.”

Your nose twitches. 

“Wake up, it’s after twelve.”

Your top lip curls. 

“Wake up, I’m getting bored.”

You peek an eye open as your whole face tightens up, hands finding your cheeks, rubbing your eyes awake. Your stomach hurts, your knees feel sore, you grumble out a curse as your body stretches itself into consciousness.

“She’s alive.”

You pause, peeking over your fingertips to Mingi sitting on the edge of your bed. Dark hair messy on his head, shirtless, a pair of your shorts painted onto his thighs. You’re too confused to laugh at the sight. 

“What the fuck?” You ask, voice laced with sleep, face scrunched up beyond recognition. “The fuck are you doing here?”

“Come on,” he frowns, “you didn’t even throw up, there’s no way you blacked out. Think, smart girl.”

You blink at him, letting the memories come back one after another. Wooyoung, shots, shots, shots, table, car, bathroom, bed. Mingi’s head on your stomach. Mingi’s lips on your skin. 

“Oh, shit.” You sit up on your elbows, eyes on your bedspread, still blinking crust out of your vision, “Oh, shit.”

Mingi huffs a noise of amusement through his nose, “Still confused?”

You shake your head, heart picking up speed in your chest. Your head feels heavy, stomach nauseous, limbs tingly with leftover alcohol in your blood. You look up at him, “Why are you still here?”

“You asked me to stay,” he shrugs, like that was the most normal thing in the world. Like he’s stayed over a thousand times before. 

“So you stayed?” Your brows stay knitted together, confused, confused confused confused. 

“So I stayed,” he nods, “how do you feel?”

“Like dog shit.”

“Sounds about right,” he’s smiling but he’s trying to hide it. It makes your lips twitch upward. “You remember dancing on my dining room table?”

Your eyes close, lips flat, brows raised. “Yup,” you nod, “unfortunately, I do.”

“Remember asking to fuck on my car?”

Your eyes shoot open, tone full of disbelief, “No.”

“You’re funny,” he chuckles, laying flat on his back at the edge of your bed. “You’re always funny, but you’re an especially funny drunk. It was cute when I wasn’t terrified you were gonna die.”

“The scaries are gonna haunt me for weeks,” you push yourself up, forehead meeting your palms. “Fuck.”

“I was hoping we could talk,” he sounds coy all of the sudden, nervous. Shy. 

You nod, “Let me shower again, eat something, drink a bottle of water. I feel like a fucking zombie.”

After cursing yourself out under your breath upon entering your messy bathroom, half your shower was spent with your forehead pressed to the wall, somehow cooling down your body temperature while steaming water soaked away all your shame. You ran through the events last night over and over, a little fuzzy at the edges, but each and every damning moment was crystal clear. You dried yourself off, completed your routine all with the same thought in mind: What the hell does he want to talk about?

It’s not like he likes you for real. You’d never work– your past is too messy, your current state is too messy, actually. He needs someone with a clean record, a nice, pretty girl who dresses in dainty clothes, someone who says please and thank you– that’s his goddamn destiny, a girl like Winter. Reserved, bashful, composed, you wonder if she’s ever said a curse word out loud, she’s nothing like you. She’s someone the internet would love, his coaches would love, his family would probably love, not that you know anything about his family.

You’re getting ahead of yourself— you’re spiraling. The only outcome of this conversation is that tension ran high, he was kind enough to take care of you when you were drunk, you’d go back to normalcy in an hour. Maybe Wooyoung’s free later tonight, he’d make a snide comment about you dancing on the table, you’d laugh like it was intentional. Like there weren’t videos of you on people’s phones that’d haunt you at two in the morning for weeks to come. 

“What’s all this?” You asked upon walking into the living room, Mingi stood beside your small kitchen table, rummaging through one of two plastic bags. 

“I ordered food,” he says, pulling out containers from the bag. Setting them down on the table neatly, one on top of another, neat. 

Your brows furrow, walking into the kitchen hesitantly, “Food?”

“I can’t cook,” he looks up at you with a half-smile, “no idea how. But you need to eat, I also got juice for you, and I found ibuprofen in your cabinet–”

“Mingi,” you shake your head, trying to gather your bearings, “what are you doing?”

He holds up a hand, flat palm facing you, features straight and unimpressed. “Don’t start with me, sit down and eat. We’ll talk after there’s food in your stomach.”

You must still be drunk. Limbs feeling heavy, you trudge into the wooden seat, the one with the broken bar that supports the legs. Breakfast food, so much breakfast food, your stomach hurts at the sight of oil and grease, but you need it, you need the juice, too– you sucked that down in record time. 

Silence, other than the sound of chewing and plastic ruffling, it was comfortable. Maybe a little awkward, unless that was your nerves talking which was absolutely plausible, you still sat in fucking confusion. Feeding you, catering to you, taking care of you like he did last night– and he still only had on your shorts. Your powder blue waffle shorts that fit you loose but clung to his muscled, golden, tan-lined thighs like they’d rip at the seams if he moved the wrong way. 

You hate that it’s nice having him here. You hate that you’re letting it happen. 

Pills swallowed, enough food in your stomach to take an hour to digest, the awkwardness grew after cleaning up the table. Both aimlessly pacing the kitchen, pretending to still have something to do, avoiding the conversation that needs to happen. Might as well get it over with. 

“Mingi–”

“Can I start?”

You sigh, pointing a finger in the direction of the living room. “Couch.”

Your stomach feels uneasy like you’d throw up every bite as you sit across from him, both taking edges of the couch like you’re scared to get close. You sit on a leg like it’d give you an easy escape if you needed it, despite it being your apartment. 

“I’m sorry,” he starts, voice small. Your brows furrow, ready to ask what the hell he’s sorry for, but his lips part instead. “I’m so sorry you were sent messages about me, this has happened before, my ex-girlfriend broke up with me because of them, because people didn’t leave her alone about me.”

“Mingi, it’s not your fault–”

He looks up at you and his glassy eyes kill the words on your tongue. His voice is small, layered with struggle, “We were together for a year. When I posted her, us, she broke up with me within two weeks. We never spoke again.”

Your jaw drops, “Two weeks?”

He nods, “I don’t even think we made it to the fourteenth day, I can’t believe I didn’t think that would happen to you. I guess I thought because our relationship was fake it wouldn’t, but no one knows it was fake, I just didn’t think, again. I let it happen again. I’m sorry.” 

Ah, and now everything makes sense. “You didn’t need to do all of this because you feel bad. I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself, I also know when things are out of your hands, and the messages are one-hundred-percent out of your hands.”

His brows furrow after a second, “I didn’t take care of you because of the messages, or because I feel bad. I took care of you because I care about you, I like you.”

“No,” you shake your head, “no you don’t. You might think you do, but you don’t.”

“Huh?” His eyes thin, top lip lifting, “Who are you to tell me what I feel?”

“I just know, I’ve seen your type, and it’s not me. Which is fine, I don’t–”

“You told me you liked me last night,” he argues.

Your lips flatten. “I was drunk.”

“Drunk words are sober thoughts.”

“What are you? Sixteen years old?” Your face twists, “I’m being realistic and logical, you’re acting on emotion.”

“Well I haven’t felt this much emotion since she broke up with me!” His hands fly up on either side of him, voice strained. “And I’ve missed it, I missed feeling this way. I want to keep feeling this way, about you.”

Your blinks are stuttered, slow. Your lips purse, he might have shocked you into silence. He runs a hand through his hair, face torn up into exasperation, he sighs, one deep and grounding. Looking at you again, he asks, “Do you really not want me? There’s not one bone in your body that wishes everything we’ve done the last few weeks was real?”

Your chest is tight. Your lips won’t move, your mind is blank.

“You don’t think you deserve it,” his voice switches to something calm, understanding. “Someone to like you, or care about you, I know. You’re used to guys like him, guys who use your feelings as ammunition. I won’t do that to you.”

You feel like stone. Stuck, still, eyes wide, unblinking. Fear simmers.

He shifts himself closer, eyes pleading. “I was sick when I found out you slept with Wooyoung, I’ve never acted like that before in my life, so jealous and angry, like he was taking you from me. I felt like you were mine, and he was trying to steal you–”

“I asked him to,” you finally speak, rushed and panicked. There’s nothing else left to argue with other than this. “I basically begged him.”

“You were upset,” Mingi shakes his head, “you told me. You said you were upset because of the messages and because I kissed you, you didn’t want to–”

“I needed to,” you try to swallow, throat squeezed tight, “I needed him to. He isn’t kind, he isn’t genuine, he doesn’t hold me like I’m breakable, he wouldn’t do all the shit you did for me last night. He isn’t you, and I needed the reminder. That’s what I deserve, not you.”

“Do you even know what you’ve done for me in the weeks we’ve known each other?” Mingi’s voice is pitched now, layered with raw emotion. “You’ve reminded me what freedom is like. That I can do whatever I want, I’m not a machine, or a puppet for someone else to use. You gave me back myself, is it so ridiculous that I don’t want to let you fucking go?”

“I’m scared,” you blurt it out, two words pulled from so deep in your psyche you can’t believe you said them out loud. “I’m scared to let myself feel anything towards you.”

“You already feel something towards me,” he argues, “a lot of something. You wouldn’t have slept with him if you didn’t.”

Stunned into silence again, your lips purse. He continues, “I’m not stupid. My vocabulary might not be as big as yours but I’m not stupid, I know you have feelings for me. You can’t hide that no matter how much you want to, how much you try to get it fucked out of you.” He shifts closer. “I’ll show you. Let me kiss you again.”

“Fuck no,” your brows furrow. 

He deadpans, “Let me fuckin’ kiss you.”

“Did you even brush your teeth?”

“Shut up,” he stands up on his knees, too big in front of you, chiseled body on display, your heart drops to your stomach. “Stop deflecting. I see through you now.”

“Mingi–”

His hands find the armrest behind you as you uncurl your leg from beneath you, trying to accumulate space, space you’re quickly losing as he leans closer. “You don’t have to be scared with me.”

Your breath is shallow and shaky, heart in your throat, eyes halfway out of your head. He keeps his face close, forehead a millimeter from yours, you feel his heat first. He’s so big, he swallows your figure, he’s too big for the fucking couch, it’s dizzying. 

“I’m gonna kiss you.”

“That sounds like a threat.”

He smiles before pressing his lips to yours, soft, so fucking delicate it takes you a moment to ease into it, to process that it’s even a kiss. Softer than it was on the field– his lips barely graze yours at first, as if he was testing the waters, like he wanted to feel your breath on his skin, wanted to feel your body say yes before your mouth said the word. Your lips part for him, soft and steady, molding to his, letting him guide, lead. 

He asks for entrance with his tongue, swiping along your bottom lip with a certain courtesy like even though you were following him, letting him show you, you still held the reins. Your insides feel molten, fingers grabbing onto your shirt like you didn’t know where else to put them, mind in a constant battle to pick every detail apart or shut off completely. It’s different– it might be everything, laying here and kissing him softly, lazily, like nothing else exists except for him, his weight, his mouth. He tastes like something new, something blue, a memory you’d come back to for a long, long time. 

He parts from you, lips swollen and red like he’d bitten them, he stares. Chocolate eyes big and round, pupils dilated, cheeks flushed a pretty rose, he looks at you like he’s just discovered you. Like even though he kissed you to prove something to you, it’s proven something deeper to himself. 

He doesn’t smile, still calculating, but in a quiet voice he asks, “Do you feel it too?”

Your fists are still tight in your shirt, you search his eyes, the way they fall to your lips, you don’t answer— you kiss him again, harder this time, faster, tongue passing through his lips like his mouth belonged to you, like you were running out of time. You shift down on the couch, pillow falling to the floor, his elbows bracket your head as your calves hook over his thighs, moving in unison like your bodies were acting without either of you thinking about it. 

Your hands find his hair when you wrap your arms around his neck, lifting yourself into him, pressing yourself against him, feeling the strength of him, it makes a tight noise leave your lips, one needy and begging. He rolls his hips into you on instinct and you moan into his mouth like you need him to do it harder.

“Fuck,” he curses into your mouth, lifting himself up on his palms, “wait— wait.” 

“What?” You follow on your elbows, bug-eyed, “Why? What happened?” 

He swallows, panting, running a hand through his hair as he sits back on his calves, your legs still thrown lazily over his thighs. The print of his length sits heavy and prominent with his legs spread in your cotton shorts, your eyes flicker back and forth to his face, mouth watering, patience already scarily thin. 

“This isn’t how this was supposed to go,” he shakes his head, chest splotchy, tummy expanding with each aborted breath he takes. “I want this, I want you, I want to do it right.” 

Your heart flutters in your chest, it’s at war with your dampening panties, your thighs that twitch as the words leave his mouth. His eyes drop to your figure, the big tee you wore hiked up to your stomach, tiny shorts clinging to your dampened core, he squeezes his eyes shut like it’d erase the sight from his memory. 

“You want to stop because you want to take me out on a date?” You ask, brows raised. “We’ve been on, like, two already. Maybe three or four if you squint.” 

He opens his eyes to narrow them, “You’re such a smartass.”

You smile at that, head tilting, cocky, “Clearly you like it, since you wanna date my smart-ass.”

His hands fall to your hips, tugging them towards him until your back is flat against the couch again, “I wanna do more than that.” 

“Then do it,” you huff, hips bucking into him, arms lifting to reach for him, “you’re the one who stopped.” 

“Do you ever shut the fuck up?” He asks, leaning forward enough to let you wrap your arms around his shoulders, he uses his hands at your waist to lift you up onto his lap. 

You gasp at the movement, at the fucking ease in which he maneuvers you, your knees land beside his hips before you answer. “If you want me to shut the fuck up then give me a reason to.”

“I lied, don’t want you quiet,” he’s looking up at you from this angle and the sight of him steals your breath, makes everything feel a little more real. He’s so beautiful and he wants you and fuck you want him, too. 

“Make up your mind,” you press yourself to his chest, keeping your faces close. “Y’know, you talked big game that night at the LAX house, been wondering if you could back it up.”

His hands tuck beneath your tee, fingers warm against your skin as they drag up your sides, palms landing heavy on your waist, it makes you shiver. He smirks, “Now you’re baiting me into fucking you?”

“Maybe,” your faces are so close your lips graze, “is it working?”

He kisses you again, more feverish than the last, hands squeezing your waist before they drop down to your hips, grinding you against him. You keep your arms folded around his neck, tongue slotting between his lips messily, teeth clashing together as you grind your core against his clothed length, roughly, purposely, letting him feel the arousal that’s bottled up inside. You part to empty strangled noises into each other’s mouths, eyes screwed tight, your hips move steadily in a rhythm guided by his hands. So hard, long and thick beneath you, you could feel him through your shorts, his shorts, there was no stopping. There was no pausing. 

His hands find the hem of your tee, you help him pull it over your head, his lips find your neck, your chest, your head tilts back to give him access, for small, pitched breaths to leave your lips, a song for him to hear. He groans when your hips slow into a nasty grind, his tongue pokes out to drag down your chest, over your heart where he places an open-mouthed kiss. He looks up at you to say, “This is mine now.”

Your heartbeat picks up, he smiles like he can feel it. Brows knitted together, face bent with intoxicated arousal, you respond, “I don’t remember agreeing to that.”

“We’re technically still dating,” his teeth catch onto the hem of the lace bralette you wore, tugging on it before placing a kiss right above, at the center of the valley between your breasts, “and we’re not breaking up.”

“Are you trying to gaslight me?” You ask, hips still moving against him, fingers knotting in his hair when your clothed clit rolls over the ledge of his tip, “ah– I think we had a very public breakup last night.”

One of his hands slithers over the curve of your hip, down between your thighs, two fingers adding pressure where you needed it. You choke on a moan, back arching, hips digging into the pressure as he grins wide, “I forgave you already. This is make-up sex.”

“More,” your fingers tighten in his hair, eyes squeezing shut, “Mingi.”

“Oh, I like that,” he circles his fingers twice over your clit, smirking, “beg a lil’ more, put that mouth to good use.”

Your eyes open wanting to scowl but your brows are knitted too deeply in pleasure, lips parted and glossy with his spit, you can’t force yourself to as his fingers circle over your clit again. “P-please,” you stutter over the word, hips rolling into his touch, “wanna feel you.”

His face contorts in pleasure like you were the one touching him, he catches your lips again, tongue slotting into your mouth as his fingers dive beneath your shorts. He groans into your mouth as he slips between your folds, feeling the wetness that seeped through your damp shorts, “So wet for me, princess.”

Your hips buck into his hand, body twitching at how thick his fingers feel at your center combined with that fucking word on his tongue. “Feels s’good, more, Mingi, inside.”

“Say please,” the words are muffled, lips still pressed to yours. 

You whisper, “Please.”

“Good girl,” he mutters, feeling you clenching around nothing as his fingers prod at your entrance. His eyes flicker upward, “You liked that? Being called my good girl?” 

You nod shamelessly, hips rolling into his fingers, beckoning him to put them inside. Slowly he inches forward and you gasp, breath catching in your throat, fingers tightening in his hair, he curves them with each inch he gives you, adding pressure on that spot as soon as he reaches it, you’re choking on your own pleasure as your hips grind to fuck yourself on his fingers. 

“So greedy,” he whispers, completely in awe, “look at you, baby, fucking yourself on my fingers. You gonna be good for me and cum on ‘em?” 

“Holy shit,” you whisper, hips stuttering, his words going straight to the pit in your belly. You’ve never had someone pay this much attention to you or your pleasure, never had someone even insinuate making you cum before they’ve taken their pants off. He crooks his fingers and you whine, “You don’t h-have to, ‘hmygod.”

“Yes I do,” his fingertips massage that spot, fucking into you in small, stuttered thrusts so he can keep pressure, “need you to cum around my fingers, then around my cock, gonna do that for me?” 

“Yeah,” you roll your hips faster, harder, meeting the thrusts of his fingers, his movement trapped within your shorts, the edge of his palm kissing your clit. It’s fucking dirty, nasty the way you’re moving, so shameless, if you weren’t so consumed by pleasure you’d be mortified at how easily he cracked your composure. 

“Yeah? You wanna cum around my cock?” He asks, tone arrogant because he knows the answer, “Gonna make a mess on me with this wet lil’ pussy?”

“Mingi,” you whine, “stop.”

“You like it, I can feel you clenching,” he grins, you open your eyes just enough to see it. Cocky, but he’s backing it up and fuck you might die if he stops. “So good for me, bet you’d take anything I give you, bet you’d ask for more.”

The pit of pleasure builds steadily in your gut and you bite your lip to try to keep your mewls inside. It’s futile when he kisses you, drinking up every wrecked moan you spill into his mouth, keeping his fingers moving at the same pace, the same pressure. The rough edge of his palm hitting your clit with each movement and it’s so fucking obvious he knows exactly what he’s doing, how to pull you to the finish line with ease. 

“Mingi,” you gasp out, limbs locking as you climb, “I’m close.”

“I know,” he presses his lips to your chin, under your jaw, “give it to me– cum for me, baby.”

Your hips stutter first before your orgasm crashes over you heavily, body twitching, rolling into him, he moves with you, keeping his hand steady as you ride out your orgasm, chanting praises into the space between you, encouragement that extends your pleasure, the feeling of euphoria that rocks through you never-ending. You keel after you finish, forehead meeting his, body deflating like he took everything out of you, he kisses your unmoving mouth, smiling into you when you don’t respond. 

“Did so good for me,” he pulls his fingers out of your shorts, bringing them up between your faces, slipping them between his lips. He moans in pleasure, “Mm, can’t wait to eat her. You’ll let me, right? You’ll ride my face if I tell you to?”

The pit in your stomach twists all over again, core clenching around nothing, he’s filthy. You love it. “Need you inside,” you mutter, voice tight with arousal but winded, “need to feel you, Min.”

His smile returns, “Can you handle it, big girl? Look at you after just two fingers.” You whine and he laughs like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever seen, “I can’t believe you’re so easy. You’ve got such a fuckin’ attitude and now you’re whining and crying for my cock.”

“You asked me if I ever shut the fuck up,” you grind yourself against him, bleeding impatience, “do you?”

He makes a sound he keeps lodged in his throat, it makes you smirk. He answers, “Not if it makes you this wet. You soaked through your shorts, princess.”

“Stop calling me that,” you huff, “fuck me already, ‘m tired of hearing you run your mouth.”

His hands find your thighs, holding onto them tight as he lifts himself up, you fall backwards fast with a loud yelp, back hitting the cushions of the couch. He’s predatory as he leans over you, “This mouth can make you cum faster than my fingers did,” his fingers find the hem of your shorts, “wanna find out?”

“I want you to fuck me,” you lift your hips for him and he tugs them down to your ankles, “save your filthy fuckin’ mouth for another time.”

“There she is,” he stands on his knees, tugging at the baby blue shorts on his hips, “knew the brat was in there somewhere.”

“It only comes out when you’re a cocky motherfuck–” he tugs his shorts down and the word dies on your tongue. Bigger than he felt beneath you, thick, red, leaking, your mouth waters, back arching off the couch at the sight, “Damn.”

He’s smirking and you hate that his cockiness is starting to become sexy. “Gonna take it all like a big girl?”

You’re nodding, not even looking at him, you can’t take your eyes off his cock. Bigger than Wooyoung, than Hyunjin, he might even be bigger than Mingyu and that’s a feat. All you can muster is, “Hurry.”

He settles between your legs, your knees spread under his heavy palms, he licks his lips when he gets eyes on your center. “She’s so pretty, baby. Why didn’t you tell me? Woulda been fucking you weeks ago.”

“God, Mingi, shut up,” you buck your hips toward him, “get inside me already.”

“She’s soaked,” he wraps his fist around his cock, sliding it through your folds, rubbing circles over your clit that make you shiver, “so pretty, gonna ruin her. Can I? So you can’t fuck anyone but me?”

Impatience is a band that snaps hard, “Is that why you talk so much? You have a big dick that you don’t even know how to use–”

He wastes no time slipping back down to your entrance and pushing inside, just his tip has your body locking up, head tipping back, a tight, wilted noise slipping out of you involuntarily, it tells him everything you can’t say. He’s smirking even if he’s fighting to keep his own pleasure at bay, “Yeah? I don’t know how to use it? Say that again.”

He’s curved, carving into you like he’d make you take it even if you couldn’t, your walls suck him in like you were made for it, clenching around the width of him, mushroom tip kissing your cervix just enough that it’s pleasurable– you shake your head, biting your fucking tongue, nails clawing at the couch cushions because no one’s ever felt this good just sitting inside you. 

“Exactly,” he pulls out slowly, filling you back up just as slowly, letting you adjust to his length, his thickness, the perfection your mind couldn’t comprehend. “Lay there and take it like a good fuckin’ girl.”

“Fuck, Mingi,” it’s high-pitched, filled with anticipation and slight disbelief. You watch as his abdomen flexes, how his tummy fills with air and deflates, his jaw that goes slack with each thrust, he’s so sexy it hurts. “Faster.”

He picks up speed on command, palms finding your shins, pushing them back into your chest as his cock starts bullying into you, “Like that?”

You can barely choke out a yes, hands flying to his biceps, nails marking crescents into his skin, half-curses fly from your lips drowned out by tight moans, pitched noises when his tip drags over that spot inside you, repeating, “Mingi, Mingi,” like it’s the only word you know. 

“I’m here,” he leans down to press a kiss to the side of your knee, “I got you, know it’s big, baby, you can take it.”

You curse again as he fucks into you harder, back trying to arch but he has you pinned so deep you can’t move, “Mingi!”

He smiles, eyes half-lidded, “That all you can say? Fucked out already? Just started.”

You whimper, legs shaking beneath his palms, he lets go of your shins so he can lean down and kiss you, trading speed for a pace so deep and heavy you can’t kiss back. Moaning straight into his mouth, arms around his neck, you keep him close, legs hooked around his back, “Mingi.”

“Doing so good,” he kisses your cheek, your jaw, down your neck, “pussy so tight, baby, so perfect, gonna have to fuck you every day.”

You sound hypnotized, you might be. “Yes, yes, every day.”

“You know why?” He doesn’t wait for your answer. “‘Cause you’re mine.”

“Uh-huh,” you nod, and when he picks his face back up to kiss you, you kiss him back. It’s a mess of teeth and spit, too distracted and moving to be considered a kiss, but you’re lucid enough to tangle your fingers in his hair, for your hips to start fucking back. 

“Say it,” he whispers in your mouth, edged like a blade. It makes you moan. 

“Yours,” you’re chanting again, “I’m yours, Mingi, I’m yours.”

He groans, hips picking up speed all over again, he buries his head in the crook of your shoulder, lips mindlessly pressing against your skin, tongue poking out just to taste the sweat that's formed. He slips an arm between your bodies to press two fingers against your clit and you twitch, a sharp moan escaping you, bucking into him at a pace unsteady and uncontrolled as the pressure builds fast. 

“Mingi!” It’s loud and pitched, “Too much, too much.”

“No ‘ts not,” his words are muffled, lips pressed against your skin, “Take it, cum around my cock. Wanna feel it. Wanna feel you cum f’me, baby.”

Strangled noises escape you one after another, his fingers circling your clit with practiced movements like he already knew your body inside and out. He’s still talking as pleasure climbs, your fingernails clawing shapes into his back, his rhythm doesn’t change or falter for a second. His words feel mindless, babbles of praise, “C’mon, baby, cum for me. Need to feel you clenching around my cock, say my name, say you’re mine.”

“I’m yours, Mingi,” you don’t sound any more composed than he does, “Mingi, ‘hmygod I’m gonna cum, just for you, all for you.” 

He moans as your pleasure hits its peak, seizing beneath him, legs locking around his body, fingers raking at his back hard enough to leave marks, you’re a mess of moans and cries and whimpers, but he doesn’t stop, he doesn’t let up even a little. He’s cursing, hips jerking into you at that same fucking damning pace like his life depended on it, like he refused to give you anything but the entirety of your orgasm. 

You’re still shaking when he pushes himself up, body red and splotchy, veins swollen and prominent and everywhere. “Gonna flip you,” you think he might be saying it to himself more than to you with the way he moves you fully on his own, your front meets the couch with a squeak, body spent, head fuzzy. 

You’re flat against the couch, his legs straddle yours just below your ass, he spreads you to lean down and spit before he’s pushing inside once more. You curse sharply into the pillow, eyes rolling back, hands swatting behind you as he fills you up in one fell swoop. 

He shushes you, two hands grabbing your swatting arms by your wrists, pinning them at the base of your spine, “You can take it. Breathe, princess.” When he moves, you feel like you might never recover. Your wails are muffled by the cushion you buried your face in, the pleasure was different, more, deeper, the way his cock grinds against that spot inside you and you can’t get away– you feel the pressure build like it never stopped, steady, heavy, so euphoric you might not be in your body at all anymore.

“You’re perfect, oh my god,” you hear him behind you, “gonna let me fill you up? Let me mark what’s mine? Fuck, baby, need to fill this perfect pussy up, need to cum inside.”

You dig your fingernails into your palms, kicking at the armrest on the other side of the couch, grinding your teeth, you turn your head just to cry, “Yes, fill me up, inside,” your voice cracks, “please.”

“Clenching around me s’fuckin’ hard,” his voice is rough, “y’gonna cum again?”

You let out a noncommittal sound and he changes the angle ever so slightly, your vision blurs, breath taut in your chest, his cock drilling against that spot like he was aiming for it, you don’t know if the damp spot under your head was from tears or drool. Keeping the angle, the pace, he lets your arms go before leaning over, pressing a sloppy kiss to your shoulderblade, breath hot in your ear, “So fucking perfect, let go f’me, baby.”

The sound you let out in response was from the deepest part of your lungs, a sob, a prayer, you’re so close you can fucking taste it. He presses another kiss to the tip of your spine, leaning over your shoulder again, mouth opening, teeth grazing your skin– when you feel him clamp down in a bite you lose it, trembling, sobbing, fisting the couch cushions with his name on your tongue, “Mingi!” 

“Yes,” in awe again, his hips stutter, “there you go, fuuck– fuck, gonna fill you up, gonna make you mine.” You’re spasming around his length, hips bucking, trying to escape the unending pleasure as his thrusts only get heavier, sloppier, quicker. He keeps himself close, “My perfect girl, y’gonna take every drop? Fuck– fuck, gonna cum, baby, you want it?”

“Yes, Min,” you’re grabbing for him again, nails clawing at his thighs behind you, “fill me up, make me yours. Need you inside.”

One hand snakes under your jaw, turning your head he kisses you sloppily as his hips stutter, groaning a curse into your mouth as he twitches inside you, then he slows, warmth filling you up, ropes of his release heavy, hot, nasty. His breath is short, winded, exhausted, you don’t think yours is any more even. 

“Mingi,” it comes out like a whimper, you feel him twitch inside you, he lets go of your face. A lazy grin takes over your cheeks, eyes closing, “You weren’t lying.”

He laughs, a small, easy thing, lifting himself up. “Why would I lie?”

“Dunno,” you answer absent-mindedly, “make yourself sound better.”

“Baby,” his hands smooth over the skin of your back, he leans down to press a soft kiss in the middle of your spine. Mumbling into your skin like he was too shy to say it with his chest, “I don’t need to do that.”

You hum, “Of course, how could I forget, you’re the entire package.”

“I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or if you’re fucking with me.”

“Good.”

He smacks his teeth, “I’m gonna pull out, ‘kay?”

You pop a brow at the warning, but as he starts to slip out inch by inch, you’re grateful for his thighs keeping you locked in place because the full-body twitch it gives you is lethal. You whine a little as his spent cock lays still-heavy on your ass, “How do you keep that thing hidden?”

He snorts, “Like in my pants?”

“That’s a weapon,” you’re still twitching beneath him, “and you just used it on me.”

He’s giggling as he shifts himself to be able to carefully flip you over, another movement he does with ease as if you’re some kind of toy. It still makes your stomach curl with warmth, body flushing hot as he lays himself down next to you, sliding an arm under your body, holding you close. “Smells like sex in here.”

You curl into his side, cheek pressed to his bare chest, eyes closing again. “Don’t care.”

“I really like you, you know,” his voice is low but steady, honest, “and I want to be your boyfriend.”

You pick your head up to look at him, his eyes big and round, glossed over like he was nervous to say the words. You reach a hand up, running your fingers through his chocolate locks once before cupping his cheek, guiding him down to press your lips softly against his. “You already are my boyfriend, moron.”

“I mean seriously–”

“And I mean seriously, you’re already my boyfriend,” you raise your brows in expectation, “so no more ogling girls at parties, no more calling me stupid names and no more Winter.”

“I thought you said you’ve never been anyone’s girlfriend before,” there’s a stupid smile on his face, “seems like you got the gist, princess.”

“What did I literally just say–”

“What about the messages?” His question is a little sturdier. 

Your brows furrow, “What about them? I already turned my requests off.”

His brows match yours, “That’s it? It doesn’t turn you off from being with me?”

“I fucked Wooyoung like, two days ago, Mingi,” you smile when he makes a face of disgust, “if you can mentally handle that, I can mentally handle being in the spotlight, as long as its smaller than yours. But if I can’t, I’ll tell you, and we’ll figure it out. Wait, what about your coaches?”

“That is such a non-issue,” he rolls his eyes, “who gives a fuck?”

You make a face of surprised agreement, bottom lip bending over, brows raising, “Sure. Who gives a fuck?”

He smiles, “Cool, I think that’s everything.”

“Cool,” you nuzzle yourself back into his chest, pressing a short kiss to his skin, “by the way, how long until we can fuck again? I’ve been waiting three weeks for this too, y’know.”

masterlist 🏈 part one

this is my soul project. ive never loved another mingi as much as i love this one. if you read all of this, genuinely thank you from the bottom of my fucking heart. i could write about him endlessly, my muse fr. i hope you enjoyed and pls dont hesitate to tell me all your thoughts 🩷

xoxo

[bellsamorelle]

heaven

c/w: heavy yearning, fluff, bellamy blake x fem!reader

If I were to kiss you then go to hell, I would. So then I can brag with the devils I saw heaven without ever entering it - shakespeare

collab with my pookiedoodle @lov3lyl3tters

━━━━━━━━━━━

The first time he sees you after the drop, you’re covered in soot and blood—not yours, he hopes—and barking orders at people twice your size.

Bellamy doesn’t know it yet, but he’s already ruined.

You challenge him. Every damn day. You call him out when no one else dares to. You see through him, through all the walls and bark and armor he throws up around himself, and it infuriates him. It scares him. It draws him in like nothing else ever has.

You don’t belong in this place, not really. Not in the dirt and the war and the hunger. You talk about the sky like it’s poetry and hold dying kids like it doesn’t break you inside. And he knows—he knows—he’s the wrong kind of person for someone like you.

But that doesn’t stop him from looking at your mouth when you talk. From dreaming about your voice. From thinking about what your skin would feel like under his hands, what your laugh would sound like if you weren’t constantly worried someone was going to die that day.

It’s late when it happens.

The fire’s dying down—the others are asleep, and you’re standing just outside the camp with your arms crossed, watching the trees like you’re waiting for something. For someone.

“You know it’s not safe out here alone,” he says, coming up beside you.

You don’t look at him. “Since when do you care if I’m safe?”

He flinches, just slightly. “Always have.”

You glance at him then, eyebrows raised like you don’t believe him. Like you’re used to him pushing and pulling, throwing barbed comments, and then bleeding behind closed doors.

“Then why do you act like you hate me half the time?” you ask, voice low.

He exhales through his nose. Looks down. “Because I do.”

That makes you blink.

Bellamy lifts his eyes to yours again. There’s something raw in his expression. Unfiltered. Wrecked. “I hate how you make me feel—I hate that I want you when I’ve got blood on my hands—That I think about kissing you when I should be thinking about how to keep you alive.”

You stare at him, breathing shallowly.

He takes a step closer.

“If I were to kiss you,” he says, voice quiet and rough, “then go to hell for it, I would.”

You swallow hard.

“I’d go gladly,” he adds, eyes locked on yours. “So I could sit there with the devils and brag that I saw heaven… without ever entering it.”

You don’t say anything. You can’t. Not with the way his words split you open.

You stammer, trying to brew up a response. This was—unexpected, but in the best way possible. For someone to say that they’d love you to the ends of the Earth, and beyond heaven or hell,

Who wouldn’t wish they had that? Such a love that was soft and surprising, not loud—but enough for people to hear.

This was Bellamy Blake.

A man you’ve been tied to since you landed here. Someone who may seem strict, or rude to others, but looking past the quick responses and orders, lay someone with care in their heart.

Bellamy Blake, who would rather yell at people for their safety—than take a risk that could kill them. Someone who genuinely cared for the lives of his people.

You inhale sharply, reminding yourself to breathe.

You exhale a laugh of relief, dropping your head down to rest on his chest.

He goes to speak—but you interrupt

“You—you don’t need to say anything else. You’ve already won me over, Blake.” “Just, give me a second.”

The late-night ‘high’ sending a confession through. You and him were alone together, suffocated by the overwhelming realization of confession. Of love. A peaceful and quiet night despite the ruckus that occurs every day.

You sigh, looking up at him.

“Well? Aren’t you gonna kiss me already?” You smirk.

“Yes, ma'am.”

Smiling into the kiss, he grabs you, pulling you in.

Who knew Bellamy Blake was such a yearner?

[piastreline]

slow dance- track four.

'and what is it that's keeping you alone, and leaving after we slow dance?' part of the 'charm.☘︎ ݁˖' collab!

SUMMARY: feat. lord!hadjar and you, the diamond of the season. you’re not a good fit, you’ve had arguments practically since birth, but for some reason his name is still filling your card, and all you seem to do is slow dance. there’s something subtle in the way bickering shifts to something a little more meaningful. bridgerton au! PLAYLIST.

WORD COUNT: 5.3K

NOTES: sorry this took so long everyone, but isack hadjar is officially a redbull driver! i'm wishing him a better fate than his predeccesors. also, sorry it's such a short fic! not proofread OR show/historically accurate. some victorian dances here! (to help envision my dears twirling around)

Juliette fusses over you keenly, pulling at your headgear and sleeves simultaneously, while Amy passes you a fan desperately, shoving a glove on your other hand.

“Please, there’s no need for such a hurry. It’s not as if the queen will even notice any tardiness, I’ll simply blend in with all the other debutantes.” you huff, waving them away, but your sisters refuse to stop preening.

Juliette had been deemed the diamond of the season a few years back, and although you no longer shared a last name, you were as close as ever. 

Amy presented herself as rather indifferent to it all, dealing with her narrowing chances of marriage like a trooper, but you could tell there was some panic in her actions. It seemed she did not want you to suffer the same fate. Still, although you could understand her, you secretly hoped you'd suffer her fate over Juliette's, because being the Diamond seemed more hassle than it was worth.

“I’ve been doing my research, and it seems that there are plenty of eligible bachelors this season, namely a few newer ones, who are more about your age. Lord Bearman, Oliver, seems like a good chap. As does that Italian one, with that rather frivolous last name. Oh, and Isack, of course. Lord Hadjar.” Juliette corrects herself, smoothing her dress, and you shoot her a wary glance.

“I’ll take that into consideration. Not Isack though, obviously.” you reply sweetly, and she shakes her head.

“It would do you some good to respect him, you know. You aren’t bickering children anymore- you must come across as mature, and graceful.”

You inhale.

“I am both of those things, I assure you. As long as he stays out of my way, and he doesn’t provoke me as usual, then we shall be just fine. I will even accept a dance, if he decides to be so daring.” you mutter quietly, and both your sisters beam.

When Isack’s mother fell ill, your own family had almost adopted him, as if it was of no consequence. At first, it had not really bothered you. But soon, he had grown to become rather an annoyance. He was sharp; you were sharper. Your arguments could span anywhere from mere minutes to days, and his impertinence had never been lost on you.

He had treated you in a way that you could not call brotherly. It was more like he was testing you, constantly. With moments of genuinity, and friendship, before total annoyance and disrespect. You never understood it, nor him.

And that had been the way of the world, until his mother got better, and then he left as if he had never been there to begin with.

“Excellent. Now, let us go.” Juliette smiles, seemingly satisfied with your appearance.

The nerves only really start to pool in your gut as you position yourself behind the doors, waiting for the announcement of your name. You’d seen ten-or-so other nervous ladies, pale in the face, disappear. And now it was you, and only two others and all three of you seemed as though you’d forgotten how to breathe.

“I think I might pass out. In a sickly way.” one of them hisses, and you turn to her with a gentle smile.

“We’re going to be fine, I’m certain of it.”

“That’s easy for you to say. Both your sisters did well. I have no-one.” 

You’re slightly surprised that she knows who you are, considering her name is still evading you, but you almost remind her that Amy still didn’t have a husband. Instead, you smile a little wider, waving her nerves away with a generous hand.

“Well, you’re utterly beautiful. As long as you aim not to trip, I can’t see how anything could go wrong.” you reply confidently, and you see a small curve in her lips.

“She’s right, Maria. I’m rather envious of you. You’re certain to be the diamond. Or she’ll at least say something to you. I rather think she’d hope to forget whatever sort of entrance I make.” Beatrice mumbles, and you pat her shoulder affectionately.

“‘Tis alright, Beatrice.”

She gives you a grateful nod, but your hand is clammy, and you feel a little like a fraud.

When you hear your name, you falter, but step through the doors nonetheless.

“Smile, dear.” your mother says quietly, and you plaster the most lady-like expression you can manage as you begin to walk, ignoring the strange tugging at the trail of your dress.

The stretch to the Queen’s throne feels endless. You’re rather convinced it’s simply to humiliate even the most co-ordinated of you, and each careful step feels more like a taunt than any sort of progress. Still, you don’t hesitate.

The Queen does not smile when you reach her. You almost expected her to. Instead, you bow, praying your headpiece doesn’t slip, and stare politely at her shoes.

“You can look at me, child.” she scolds, but if there is any real malice in her tone, you don’t pick up on it. Instead, you give her a bashful grin, and she seems placated. 

She admires you with a care that makes you feel rather like a gem in a glass box, each sharp edge being analysed, but you desperately try not to break a sweat, forcing quiet breaths through your nose.

You hope she’ll grow bored of you soon enough, and move onto the next victim, but she pauses, raising an arm.

You think you might explode. You’re certain that if she keeps you here for a moment longer, you simply will not manage to keep calm under the pressure, and you'll end up splattered across the room. You wait, for her to shun you from society, or declare you ought to have your head cut off, and you give your mother a completely panicked glance, still half-bowed.

“I think she’s the right choice.”

You splutter, words spilling from your mouth before you can help it.

“I don’t think so. I mean, you haven’t seen the last two girls. Especially Maria. I really think you should reconsider-” you begin, standing up straight, and there is a collective gasp of horror from the crowd.

Queen Charlotte turns to you, and you realise now is when you’re losing your head. 

“Interesting. Well, you have an odd sense of humour, but no matter. I’ll stick with you, I believe.”

There’s a suffocating silence, as everyone waits to see if she’s being serious. It seems as though she is.

Juliette claps tentatively, and then Amy joins in, surer now. You turn to them, pale-faced and desperate.

Then the rest of the debutantes join in confused applauds, followed by their mothers, and you realise you’re in for an interesting season.

“Bonsoir.” comes an irritating voice by your ear, and you straighten, nearly knocking over the potted plant you were trying (and failing) to hide behind.

“You haven’t lived in France for several years now, Isack. You can drop it.” you mutter coldly, flashing a placated smile to any onlookers.

“Well, you don’t read your mail then, non? I’ve been in France studying. Returned for the start of the season, you see. By obligation, naturally.”

“Naturally.” you reply, keeping your eyes on the dance-floor. He shuffles closer to you, his shoulder brushing yours slightly. You try to act normal as you recoil.

“Aren’t you supposed to be there? As the Diamond, you must have people watching you. Even I was told to act interested.”

You shoot him a glare so vicious he has to place a gentle hand over his heart.

“So that’s why you’re here, bothering me?” you retort, venom hanging from each word, and he shrugs.

“You’re the one half-submerged in a bush. Figured you could just use the company. You know I adore annoying you.”

You nod, biting back a smile at his dramatic face.

“Well, now you’ve come across as interested, feel free to scurry away again. Eleanor has been glancing this way for a while now, and you ought not to agitate her.” you nod wisely, and he turns, a slight surprised look passing his face.

When he meets Eleanor’s gaze, he gives her a polite nod, before turning back to you.

“I’ll speak to her in a minute, I suppose. But first, inscribe me there.” he murmurs, gesturing to your dance card hanging by your wrist. You inhale, giving him a curious frown.

He raises an eyebrow and the corner of his lips simultaneously, like it’s a challenge.

“Go on, humour me. And I’d rather not face the embarrassment of a rejection at the first ball. I promise I won’t step on your feet.”

You consider telling him to stop being so irritating, but you just smile, all gentle-mannered and careful. You think back to Juliette’s words, and swallow your pride for what feels like the first time of many.

“You’ve got yourself a waltz, Hadjar. You better not embarrass me.”

“Isack! You promised me an introduction, friend.” comes a voice, and you’re not sure you recognise the owner of it. He’s tall, but not quite lanky, with a warm face and a genuine smile. He claps Isack on the back with an enthusiasm you envy, wondering how he has even a shred of optimism in a place like this.

Isack startles, and you have to mask a laugh with a delicate cough. 

“Of course, my mistake. This is Lord Bearman.” he murmurs, and you give him a slight curtsy, dropping your gaze. “My lord.”

He smiles politely. “If it’s not already full, I’d like to humbly ask for a dance.” he says kindly, the corner of his eyes crinkling, and you nod.

Isack mumbles something under his breath you don’t catch, and then the music has shifted, and you’re trailing onto the ballroom floor, shooting Amy a panicked look from across the room.

“I understand it’s common courtesy to say yes, but you look rather miserable. I wouldn’t have taken much offence if you’d declined me, you know.” Ollie mutters, searching your face for something as he takes your hand. 

“It’s not you. I’m just nervous. You’ll forgive me if I misstep. I’m not sure I’m cut out for this.” you reply carefully, admiring the smile that slowly stretches over his face.

“Oh, yes. I heard about what you said to the Queen. Bold, to suggest she was wrong in choosing you. Do you still feel that way?” he asks, and you readjust your hand in his, surprised by the warmth of it.

“Absolutely.” you admit, scouring the rest of the floor as you begin to shift, stepping to the left. “I mean, look at Maria over there. The Queen was far too hasty in her decision. I’ve done nothing of consequence, and I’m not even the most beautiful of the debutantes. I’m not entirely sure what she was doing, frankly.” you admit, your voice reduced to a low hiss. Ollie laughs, seeming to take great pleasure in your irritated tone.

“Well, I believe that beauty exists in the mind that-”

“-contemplates them?” you finish for him, and he grins, having to quickly hide his teeth upon realising his mistake. “Personally, I prefer Shakespeare’s phrasing, with beauty being bought. The idea of that is more intriguing."

“Maybe that is why she chose you.” he concedes, but he doesn’t elaborate. Instead, you both fall silent, focusing on the gentle lull of the music, watching your feet shuffle together in time. 

You’re surprised at the ease of it, the way your nerves subside a little, the way the onlookers become more a blur than a crowd. His arm on your waist feels more like support than something you should be wary of, and you almost wonder if you were being completely dramatic about the whole thing. 

When the song ends, and the violin fades, it takes you a second to go, bowing your head a little.

“I’ll see you later, then. As I suppose asking you for another would be a terrible idea.”

“Oh, terrible. Scandalous. May as well kiss my reputation goodbye.” you joke, letting a small chuckle leave your lips, and he laughs with you.

When you return to the side of the room, Isack is waiting expectantly.

“Can I be of assistance?” you ask, and he frowns, raising a palm.

You look confused for a second.

“Oh. I thought you were joking.”

He half smiles as you take his hand. The song is a little slower than the previous one, and you don’t want to see Amy this time. You just swallow, letting the hum drown out the erratic beating of your heart.

There is something raw in the way you act with Isack. He is not, and will never be, Lord Hadjar to you. He is that to everyone else, but he lives inside you as something entirely different.

But out here, you both have to act. There are roles you play, there are mannerisms you must obey. You do not bicker, you do not fight him off you. Instead, you talk., like you didn’t once chase him around unweeded gardens.

“So, is there anyone here you think you’ll be visiting tomorrow?” you ask carefully, trying to come up with a rational explanation for the way your face is burning when he looks at you.

You decide it’s because of how wholly unnatural this whole thing is. You have no brothers, but you imagine this is what dancing with one must feel like. You want him to let you go, even though he is not gripping you too tightly, and you find the air far too stagnant.

“I’m not sure yet. I’m not overly keen on having a wife.” he admits, with a slight shrug of his shoulders, and you give him an outraged glare.

“Isack!” you hiss quietly, leaning towards him a little so no one can overhear. “You’ve proposed yourself as a bachelor, you can’t just say things like that.”

“I am only saying them to you. You are pretending you want a husband too, non?” he dares, and you inhale, straightening.

“I am not pretending about anything. Unlike you, I am rather useless without a husband. I’m not planning on going through this whole debacle again, so I feel rather inclined to accept the first to propose.” you reply, scowling slightly, but he just gives you an amused expression.

“Even if I proposed right now, you’d take me up on it?”

You huff. “You are not nearly as humorous as you think you are.”

“It’s a hypothetical. Indulge me, I implore you.”

You sigh, shaking your head.

“Not you. That would be much like accepting a death wish.”

His face falls for barely a second, but you catch it. By the time you blink, he’s rearranged it, and he’s smiling with a confidence you can’t tell is real or fake.

“You wound me, mon amie.”

You give him a dry laugh.

“You’d have to care about me for that to wound you.” you joke, but it doesn’t sound funny at all. 

He misses a step, but you pretend not to notice.

“You’re right.” he concedes, but you’re not sure what you’re right about.

You’re trying to embroider a rather stubborn handkerchief, when Juliette bursts through the living room doors, excitement all over her face.

“You have a caller!” she announces, and you freeze.

Amy looks up from the piano curiously.

“Is it Isack?”

You turn to her incredulously.

“Why would it be Isack?”

Amy gives you a quizzical look. “I saw you two dancing last night. I mean, I’m no romantic, but even I felt emotional. Who else could it be?”

It is then that Oliver walks awkwardly through the doors, giving you a shy wave. Amy inhales quietly, and you give him a gentle smile.

Your mother arrives behind him, giving you a supportive nod.

“Sorry to call on you so early, but I have some business errands this afternoon, and I wanted to see you.” he explains politely, taking a seat beside you on the thin sofa, awkwardly glancing between you and your family.

“No need to apologise. Thank you, for coming. I was hoping to get to know more about you anyway.” you say politely, and he beams.

Your sisters pretend not to stare at the pair of you, sitting politely on the sofa, through sips of tea.

He speaks of his brothers, you lower your voice when you speak of your family, and you both mask chuckles.

It works. It’s pleasant. It hums, and that’s enough for you. You weren’t expecting to find something that sings.

When he leaves, you hope you don’t look too dazed. You hope it’s not obvious that you’re already imagining his last name next to your first. You also hope it’s not obvious that you’re staring at the door, like you want someone else to waltz through it.

You tell yourself it’s so you have a choice, but you’ll probably choose this simplicity anyway. You don’t let yourself even consider anything else.

“I saw you two on a walk. Promenading, if you will.” Isack murmurs, pressing his hand firmly on your waist. You shuffle away from him a little, but your footwork refuses to so much as falter.

“That is what one tends to do, when being courted. You know you could speak to me without asking for a dance, yes? I didn’t realise my audience was so… desirable.” you reply, cordially, trying to figure out why he looks so stern.

He scoffs. “Tis’ impossible to speak to you without him lurking. Figured you might appreciate the rescue.”

“I don’t need rescuing, I’m perfectly fine. Us two get along rather well, don’t you think? Better than we ever did, anyway. Maybe you’ve simply set the bar low.”

He practically hisses, and the sound feels like a reward.

“You’re far too cruel to me.” he mutters, and you hide a smile.

“You’re far too volatile. Will you please stop staring at him?” you demand, voice barely above a whisper, and he flicks his eyes to yours instead, with a slow raise of his eyebrow.

“Why? Do you think he feels threatened?”

You don’t catch your gasp before it leaves your mouth, cursing how slow the dance is, how the tempo of the music drags instead of rushes, making you bear the burning of his palm for what feels like an eternity.

“Isack, stop it.  You’re being unkind. You’re meant to be his friend.”

“I am his friend. But we’re friends too, no? No need for him to fawn over you. I’m not actually going to take you away. Not for anything more than a dance.”

You pause, trying to catch Ollie’s eye and smile, but you turn too quickly.

“Do you not think I deserve someone fawning over me?”

He blinks.

“Well, sure. But is that what you want?”

“Us women don’t get what we want. I should be grateful to be doing so well so early. He’s a respectable match.”

“It is early, and your dance card is full.” he says wisely, as though it’s something you hadn’t spotted. As if he has a right to step in, to offer his opinion you’d rather die than ask for.

“Your name is in that card.” you reply simply.

The music slows, pauses, and dies. The crowd begins to disperse, and you know he’ll slip away with them, but you’re not sure if you want to hear his response or not.

So you linger, fingers intertwined, fabric of the gloves meshing into one, and you wait.

“It is.” is all he manages, with one, strangled breath, and then he is gone.

You try not to miss him too terribly as you shrink back to the sidelines.

It hits Lady Whistledown the next morning. You’d expected your name to crop up eventually, but hadn’t expected Isack Hadjar’s to be the one next to it.

“Although it seems the diamond of this season has taken a liking to Oliver Bearman, her old friend Isack Hadjar seems unable to let her go. Anyone can see something simmering unresolved under the surface, but will either of them dare say anything before she finds herself with a ring on her finger?”

Juliettes voice rings out in the drawing room clearly, and you wince at every other word.

“She’s rather irritating, this Whisteledown. You really do underestimate how bad it is when you’re in the limelight.” you mutter, ignoring as you prick yourself with your needle bitterly. Amy sighs knowingly, patting the side of your head.

“It’s okay, it’ll all be sorted soon enough. Although, it might be worth talking about. Even I noticed something last night. Were you two arguing?”

You shake your head.

“He was in an irritable mood. I don’t think he wants to marry at all, and he wants to condemn someone to the same fate. And we used to joke about it, being misfits and refusing all this silliness. Maybe he wonders if that’s still in me, somewhere. He kept trying to convince me to reconsider Oliver.”

Juliette exhales quietly.

“Maybe you ought not to dismiss him so fast. Maybe he is right.”

“I like Oliver. He is pleasant.”

“But you don’t love Oliver.” Amy counters, and you grimace.

“You both know I care for no such thing. And it is not like I love anyone else.”

“You loved Isack, once. There’s no reason in denying it now.”

You scoff, but don’t meet their eyes. “S’not true. We were children. I couldn’t understand what I was feeling. It most certainly wasn’t love, though. He got far too under my skin for that.”

“I believe that’s what love is. Having someone under your skin, and letting them settle there, even if you’re irritated by them. Because it’s better to have them, in all their annoyance, than to let them go.”

You would laugh, but Juliette seems entirely serious, and you figure she’s talking from experience.

“Alright. Well, that’s something to figure out later.” you say dismissively, although you all know that there is no later. It is now, it is until Ollie dares to ask for your hand, it is until Isack begins to confront his own feelings. Which you know he’ll never do, so all is well.

“I saw the paper.” Isack mumbles, brushing past you to shield you from the onlookers. 

“It’s poppycock, if you’ll excuse my language.” you joke, but it comes out flat, like you’re wounded.

He nods, but he almost looks nervous.

“I wouldn’t do that to you, I hope you know that. I just, I just wanted to look out for you. I understand this is stressful-”

“-Isack, it’s alright. Don’t fret.”

Hearing his name leave your mouth so casually almost aches. He should feel disrespected, but he doesn’t. It feels much like his name was made so only you could say it, and he’s ever so glad you’ve disregarded being proper.

“Would it be cruel of me to ask you to dance?  I don’t see your regular partner everywhere.”

“He’s taken his leave. His brother has fallen ill. But yes, it would be cruel.”

“You’re not going to deny me, are you?”

“You know I wouldn’t.”

He offers his hand, and you convince yourself you’re only taking it because it’s the right thing to do.

“Do you always choose the slow ones on purpose? They’re agony. They drag.”

He shrugs, with a careful grin.

“S’not intentional. But you’re rather dramatic.”

His hand covers yours with a determination you’re not sure you recognise, and you let your palm settle on his shoulder with a practiced ease. The edges of your shoes kiss eachother, along with the dust of the floor, daring the other to step out of place, but neither of you do. It’s smooth, but not cold. It’s warm, too warm, too alive.

The spinning is slow, and calculated, making sure your eyes catch with each turn, before they settle on something else.

“They’re going to talk again.”

“Why not let them?”

“Because I am worried he will not propose if I am ruined.”

You feel him straighten, feel him loosen his grip, but he keeps you close.

“You do not think he loves you enough not to care?”

You laugh, and it’s almost a snort.

“All of these childish notions of love! Ridiculous, I just am sick of it. I want to marry, and sit by a window, and learn.”

“Bearman is not the only one who could give you that.” he replies, gritting his teeth, and you inhale.

“He is the only one who seems to care enough to try. My lord, unless you are willing to dispute that, unless you are willing to walk beside the river with me and sit in my drawing room and fawn over my whims, I do not want to hear it.”

He never wants to hear you avoid saying his name again. He never wants to avoid you again. It had been far too easy, when his mother got better, and France called, to pack up and disappear. He had barely even felt the guilt that comes with hurting your own heart.

But now, he realises he’s far too full of cowardice to be greedy. And he is also far too kind, to take you away from him, when you seem content. 

He wants to be cruel enough to keep asking for a dance, to keep giving you half-smiles and barbed comments between drinks, but he isn’t. He’ll just burn, until it turns to embers, and then ashes. And you’ll both be married, and both be miserable, and deem it nothing more than the way of life.

So he waits until the orchestra halts, and he refuses to admit what's keeping him leaving after you slow dance.

You’re not sure when the time passes, but it does. Whistledown leaves you alone, the months fly by, and Isack simply sinks into the crowd. It is polite, it is easy. You’re nearly grateful. You find it nobody’s business but your own that you always leave a waltz blank.

The last ball of the season is hosted by none other than the Bearmans. You try to ignore the whispers of a proposal, but you know he’s spoken to your father. You know they’ve been smiling a little too hard at you recently, and you try to swallow the bile that’s constantly rising in your throat.

You still haven’t entirely registered what’s happening until you’re halfway across the floor, and people are laughing, and your body has kicked in for you. You’re splitting away and circling back, grinning with every side-step, affectionately squeezing Oliver’s hand as you skip around in circles. It feels celebratory, clicking heels and near-enough galloping, and the hollers and squeals are fitting for the last ball, for the final hurrah, for the end of a headache that has spanned several months.

You’re switching partners, and that is how you find yourself in the arms of Isack again, a place you figured you’d never be.

“You look well.” he whispers cordially, and you smile.

“You look irritated.”

He laughs, and it hurts to hear.

“You’re ever so respectable, the two of you. I wish you the best. You know, he’s going to propose.”

“I assumed.” you admit gracefully, with a nod.

“You’re going to say yes, aren’t you?”

You hesitate. He wonders if that’s enough. You’re skipping away before he gets a response, but he knows what you would’ve said.

“You’re spritely, Oliv- my Lord.” you beam, fanning yourself quickly, hoping your cheeks aren’t too flushed. The slow dances drag, the quick dances burn, and you’d rather not dance at all.

“Formalities are rather inconvenient, are they not? I do feel that I should just be Oliver to you, by now.” Ollie decides, and you nod, shrugging a little. Still, the knowing glint in his eyes is making him hard to stare at.

“It’s not much of a surprise, is it?”

You look up, a little confused, but his nervous grin is too endearing to shrug off.

“No, I suppose it isn’t. But I’ve never cared much for surprises. And I feel that, after all of this, it would be more of a surprise if you were not to ask.” you smile, and it is an agreement of other words. It is a reassurance, but not to yourself. It feels like a commitment, a pledge. You suppose that’s exactly what it is.

“Well, that’s a relief. I’ll see you later this evening, then. I believe someone may want to bid you farewell. I hear he’s off back to France.”

You turn, and Isack gives you a limp half-wave.

“You might as well offer him the dance you’ve been saving.”

Ollie gives you a knowing look at your stare of surprise, a glance that tells you that he knows you underestimate him, but he’ll learn to love you anyway, because he’s almost already there.

All the waltz pieces sound the same, but you’re sure this is sadder.

“You didn’t tell me you were leaving.”

“I figured you didn’t want us talking anymore. Which is understandable. But it’s alright now, as I am set for Europe, and you are set for marriage.”

He says it so simply, like that was always the destiny you were both meant for. Maybe it was.

“You will come back?”

It’s not a question, it’s a demand, but you ask it anyway.

“If you’d like me to.”

“A piece of your home is always in me.”

It’s a horrific thing to admit, especially to admit it so late.

He presses his forehead to yours, but it is not enough. You both know it. 

You have spent the better half of a year dismissing that love is of any importance to you. He has spent that same time denying love to anyone. He has danced, and flirted, and stared at you across the halls. He has been a coward, and you have been obstinate, and you’re always right, in that you’d never work. But it almost feels like a crime to let him go, to stop turning, to stop pressing the side of your ankle against his, to move your faces apart. You are breathing one and the same, you are sharing a heart, but it is not the same as sharing a name, or a house.

“I should have done something.” he mutters, like it’s his deepest regret.

“If you loved me enough, you would have.” you reply kindly. “And I would’ve admitted it, if it was all that overwhelming. But we’re not stuff of legend, are we?”

“You don’t have to marry him.”

“You don’t have to go to France.”

It might as well be silent, even as the violins swell.

“You could come with me?”

It’s a selfish, gross, cowardly ask. He knows you’ll say no, he knows you’ll be the one that’ll nip it in the bud, he knows he can blame you for the rest of his lonely life.

The rejection never comes.

Instead, Oliver Bearman has taken your hand, has asked to cut in, and you are being whisked away. 

You try to meet Isack’s eyes without making it too obvious, trying to say that, maybe if he’d asked earlier, your answer would be different, but you can’t see him.

Maybe it’s because you’re not brave enough to twist your head all the way. Maybe it’s because he’s already left, even though the weight of his palm still lingers on your back.

By the time the song is over, he is kneeling, you are engaged, and you wish the slow dances had dragged on a little longer.

the 'charm.☘︎ ݁˖' collab! hullo everyone! here is my first contribution to this collab, and I'm sorry its so short and so delayed! my other pieces are a lot longer, so I figured to cut my losses, and just get this out. this was originally meant to have a happy ending, lol, but I changed it literally as I was writing the end scene! hope you enjoyed it nonetheless, and go stream slow dance by clairo!

[pompillar]

🥊𝔔𝔲𝔢𝔢𝔫𝔰𝔦𝔡𝔢 🎧 ℭ𝔞𝔰𝔱𝔩𝔦𝔫𝔤♟️

Alan × Leo × Tohma - threesome, double penetration, one sided feelings, angst heavy, mainly written from Leo's perspective

🔞 Minors shoo! This ain't for you! 🔞

Ready for a collab? That's right, me and @veraberetta did a little collab here! I wrote the fic portion after she showed me this absolutely delicious piece she drew that you can see the full image of here! She gave me the details on her thought process while drawing and here we are!

Hope you guys enjoy angst in your smut or vice versa~ (⁠｡⁠•̀⁠ᴗ⁠-⁠)⁠✧

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

He knew this was a fucked up feedback loop of sweat and shame. But he was getting what he wanted. What Alan wanted. What Tohma wanted. They were all getting what they wanted. So why did it feel so incredibly wrong on seven different levels?

Why was he feeling nauseous? It had nothing to do with having two thick cocks inside of his ass, surely. That hadn't been an issue in the past when he'd been DPed, so why now?

It definitely had nothing to do with the absolute soul piercing reverent gaze Alan was giving the blond man. No... even though he wouldn't give Leo more than a passing glance to check on him. But he did continue to ask, making sure that his vice captain wasn't in pain.

Making sure he wasn't in pain, that's laughable when Alan himself is the main reason his chest feels so tight. The brute focused so heavily on the three eyed bastard even though it was Leo he was fucking so deep it left his slender little legs shaking where they rested over Tohma's forearms.

Blue eyes like knives surveyed them both. That huff of laughter pissed him off so much. Gold met blue, and it felt like a challenge. Daring each other to do something foolish. Something that could break this spell they had on Alan. He'll never understand how this snake managed to convince the other third year to do this in the first place.

And there it was again, the softening of that razor sharp gaze as it focused back on Alan. Something much gentler than anything he would willingly show. It made Leo sick to his stomach. Maybe he let his irritation show too much seeing as the blond was locked onto him again. The fingers of one ungloved hand tweaking and tugging his nipple just this side of too roughly. He hoped the whiny squeak it pulled from him wasn't getting the fucking sadistic prick off too much. Well nevermind, if that twitch he felt inside himself was a sign then Tohma got just what he wanted from that.

A sharp thrust sent Leo's head back against a sweat slick muscled shoulder. His view filled with Alan's chiseled jaw, clenched tight in his attempt to hold back any sound of his own. The vice captain placed a hand on Tohma's shoulder and brought the other up to cradle the stoic man's head, bringing it down to his level.

Silver burning eyes met starry gold, Alan taken off guard as Leo pulled him into a strained kiss. His lips were a bit rough and chapped, but that was fine. He knew they would be. The grizzled mechanic wouldn't have smooth perfectly kissable lips. And he preferred it that way. His tongue ring teasing at the seam of Alan's pursed mouth until it parted for him. If only it were just them, this fucking loser nowhere to be seen, it would be perfect.

He let out a startled whimper at the rough bite to his collarbone. Tohma, the bastard, had tried to take a chunk out of his pretty skin! The audacity of this asshole.

But it did give him a wonderful gift. A gruff heaving voice rumbling behind him, caressing his ears with the deep tone. "Don't hurt him. If you draw blood you're done."

Leo's head spun and his heart felt like it was in a vice. That was genuine concern for his well-being and boundary setting with his ex... whatever they were. How was that closer to making him come than these two were?

A smug look and a laugh brought Leo back down, "I would never. Do you take me for a rabid dog?" Tohma's hand traveled past him and settled on Alan's forearm, giving it a squeeze. And that twitch he felt was definitely his captain. This coiffed up Frostheim loser was toying with them.

"I think a rabid dog does less damage than you." Alan's voice got soft. Gross. Use that on him not this jackass...

Leo groaned and rolled his hips, "Are you two done flirting? Cause if so I'm ready to get fucked now, maybe it won't make me gag if you get on with it."

A large palm slapped his thigh, causing a jolt to go through his body. "Behave yourself. We were being gentle for your sake. Seeing as you looked like you were going to puke for a few minutes there." Oh that snide fucking tone grated his nerves.

He squeezed down on them, basking in the quiet hiss and groans it brought. "Maybe you should get your monocle prescription checked. I'm clearly ready."

Alan huffed and shifted his footing, "Are you sure? It's really not too much?"

"Cap, hurry up and fuck me already. You two are gonna bore me to death if you don't." Leo looked up at him again, breaking the eye contact between them as he stole Alan's attention. And that was enough to make him feel some sense of accomplishment. Just to get those eyes back on him, where they belonged. Don't look at that bastard with that intense gaze. Only at him. Please.

The first synchronized thrust sent his eyes rolling back. They were both so fucking thick... Maybe this was a bad idea after all. Then Alan groaned aloud right by his ear... No this was definitely his best idea ever. Seeing the other third year's mask break a little was just the cherry on top.

"Greedy thing..." Tohma licked his lips before leaning in, Alan trying to lean in as well. But the blond smirked as he avoided Alan by turning his head and locking lips with Leo instead.

He felt the slimy tongue invade his mouth and decided he wouldn't bite it, hard anyway. Nipping at the appendage he rocked his hips against them with a whine.

When the two separated there was a long strand of spittle connecting their tongues. Blue locking on silver in a triumphant display. Clearly saying this is what you wanted right? But not giving it to him, no, only to the first year pinned between them like an overstuffed fleshlight.

Alan's face was set in a glare even as he worked his cock in and out of Leo, rutting against Tohma's with a slick sound. It fueled the blond to steal more sloppy wet kisses, avoiding his friend each time.

Eventually Leo's face was jerked roughly to the side and maybe the best thing that had happened all night finally happened. Alan initiated a kiss. He tried not to think about how much it made him want to cry out in joy. Because he knew it was just to get the taste of Tohma's mouth that had been denied since they started. Leo really did feel like a shared sex toy in this threesome. And not in a way he agreed to.

Pushing back against the blond he let his head rest on Alan's shoulder again as he shouted loudly.

The two paused and his captain grabbed his hips, "Are you okay Leo?"

"Oh my god, please, please, please keep going, I told you I was loud! Don't fucking stop!" He whined, stars dancing behind his eyes at how close he had been to that peak.

A cold hand squeezed around his cock and made him hiss. "You? A screamer? I never would have guessed."

"Take your sarcasm and shove it up your ass." There wasn't half as much bite as he wanted, and it wasn't helping that he humped into his hand either.

Alan groaned and nuzzled into Leo's neck, "Don't scare me like that. I thought I hurt you."

Fucking cap and his stupid caring nature shooting an arrow into Leo's stupid heart... As their hips picked up again he lost himself in the wonderful sounds and the feeling of having them both fuck him hard and deep. One in one out, both in both out, switching the pace whenever they needed to. And that goddamn hand gripping his dick...

The blond leaned in, "I have one more, mmnh, trick up my sleeve for you." His hair was sticking to his forehead and his handsome face was sweaty. He wouldn't look half bad if he ditched the monocle honestly... "Argeas."

Leo's voice was shrill, he barely even registered that he was crying out. Suddenly that hand around him was vibrating like a goddamn bullet vibe on the highest setting and they were fucking his body into that terrifying ecstasy in the palm of Tohma's hand. His vision went white as he sprayed his stomach, the hand, and his pride with cum. Of course the bastard would force him to finish first.

Everything was fuzzy after that. He felt them finish, he knew that. Could feel it leaking from his stretched hole, Alan's voice sounded so far off but worried. Something about blood? Well yeah there was probably a little bit mixed in, they were both big and his body wasn't that sturdy...

Warm rags on his skin, fingers invading his sore ass, scraping out the spunk and applying some kind of anomalous medicine if he had to guess. A pair of strong arms holding him close, the scent of cheap soap and cologne, the feel of basic sheets surrounding his body. He was in Alan's room. Curling into the contact they had he let himself finally drift off, safety was guaranteed now so he could rest...

Alan huffed and glared at the blond by the bedside, "I told you before-"

"Who's to say I made him bleed? It could just as easily have been you my friend." Tohma was putting his blazer back on.

His face was set in a scowl, contemplating when he could have injured his vice captain.

"Here's some advice." The blond leaned in and pressed a quick closed mouth kiss to Alan's lips, standing up quickly to avoid the arms that sought him out. "Don't dismiss him so easily. He's much tougher than you think he is. And he's hungry for your recognition. Much as I hate to admit it, he's not that different from me."

Alan was left sitting on his bed slack jawed as the other man left his room. He slowly relaxed and let out a sigh, glancing back at the passed out first year in his bed. Gently stroking a strand of hair back behind Leo's ear he laid down beside him and settled in. He had a lot to think about now. Especially after Leo had nuzzled into the touch even in his sleep.

Putting an arm around his waist Alan tugged the blanket up over them and closed his eyes. Thinking could wait until tomorrow. That's Leo's strong suit anyway.

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

Yes I did have to look up chess terms for the title, don't at me...

For the curious ones - castling is the only time two pieces (king *Alan* and rook *Tohma*) can move together. It's a two space movement for the king and the rook takes his place. Now you can either castle kingside or queenside, meaning which royal the rook you're using is closer to. I always call Leo a size queen so this maneuver fits the bill lol.

Please show Vera some love too!! Her art is so inspiring for me! (∩´∀`∩)💕

[pinewoodpipit]

Something About Us - Post-Fic Meta (Chapters 11-16)

It's done!! I still can't believe it's over tbh. I've been working on this with uni since last year, and it's been a huge undertaking but one I've absolutely loved every step of the way. Thank you all so much for your mindblowing support, and I hope you enjoyed how the fic ended!

Time for a meta post. As always, I'm including my notes under a cut since this post will be long!

Chapter by Chapter Thoughts

Chapter 11

Ahhh, angst. Fade wasn't trying to be nasty in these chapters where they were separated. She genuinely, whole-heartedly believed that she was doing the best, kindest thing that would keep Neon safe. She hasn't had the best luck in loving people before, and it's easy for her to believe that all the people she's lost were lost because of her. She's the common denominator between all of them, and Fade's nightmares only make it feel more real.

In my fics, Neon's relationship with her mother is a complicated one. It's something I care quite deeply about and this fic gave me some room to explore it, which was fun! They're messy and don't really understand each other properly, and they butt heads when they're both strong-willed, stubborn women who have different ideas of what Neon should do in any given situation. It doesn't mean they don't love each other, and both of them would kill for each other, but family love can be complicated and messy. I wanted to push this further by also talking about Imelda's relationship with her mother, and how that relationship is so different to how much Neon adored her Lola. Lola raised them both, but she did it so differently and it made things pretty difficult for them all to cope with as adults.

Background Galaxsea :)

I really liked getting to explore the slow progression of Fade's friendship with Cypher in this fic. At the start she snapped at him for just daring to suggest that she might be befriending Neon. In this chapter she let him... *gasp* talk to her while she's alone and brooding over her heartbreak, and then went to him to accept his offer of company after she died. A shocking development. I love her emotionally constipated stupid ass.

Fade's first death is something I find REALLY interesting to think about. I wrote an entire fic series about the concept way back at the start of my ao3 account! I don't think she fears death itself necessarily, but I think she'd find death terrifying for what it would mean for Aykut. She can't die before finding him, and if she did, who would remember her? What was she good for if she couldn't protect the one person she'd promised to? Juicy stuff.

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Chapter 12

Buko pandan mention! Thank you to my friend for mentioning it to me. Perfect break-up misery comfort food.

It was fun to include a little slice of Jett's POV in this chapter! I really like her friendship with Neon, but I think she's reduced a lot of the time to being only a Fade hater when there's more to her than that. She's a good friend! She's passionate and loving and caring, and she's really giving, even if she gives while being loud and brash and kind of obnoxious. She's that way for a reason, with her own walls built from past pain and abandonment - a lot like Fade, but instead of hiding herself with edge and aggression, she hides it through being somewhat disagreeable.

Fade discovering Harbor and Astra were sleeping together was a fun callback to my freckle fic - the sibling to this fic, another collab project with Uni, and one of my first major projects! In that fic, Harbor caught them in the act, and this time, Fade got to do the same back to him. Payback.

Ohh the cliffhanger ending to this fic was something I've been looking forward to for SO long. We planned it in December 2023, so it's been PAINFUL keeping it a secret for so long! I'm so pleased with how these chapters played out and it was so fun to write.

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Chapter 13

This chapter was a little brutal to write and there's not a lot to say about it. It was a lot of action sequences and things that are not my forte, but it was really important to the suspense of the situation to write it all out properly. Oddly enough, the graphic injury stuff was a lot easier to write, and it was pretty fun to work on.

That said, even though this chapter was hard to write, I'm really happy with how it came out! I think it tells the story succinctly and with enough suspense to keep it going. I hope it does, at least, and I'm satisfied enough when I read it back.

Fade breaking down and crying on Omen's shoulder is just another step in her journey to accepting actual friendship. She needs to learn to accept that people care about her and will support her when she needs it, and if she needs to suffer to get there, so help me I will make her suffer. Get hugged, feckless fool.

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Chapter 14

Whew, big chapter. This one means a lot to me. Without going too far into detail, I suffered a leg injury some years ago that ended up having complications and made me severely sick for months. I could have died and was bedridden for months. My schoolwork suffered and I almost dropped out. I stopped taking part in many of my hobbies because I either was too weak to leave the house, or I was too afraid of another freak accident happening that might put me through that again. I developed agoraphobia after it that I'm still struggling with. Giving Neon something similar and writing her fighting for recovery was... meaningful, to say the least. It was emotional but empowering and I'm holding it very close to my very tired heart.

I bothered an irl doctor I know for info on treating sepsis for this chapter. The medication and treatment plan mentioned is ripped right from their study notes. I've had a fair amount of time spent in hospitals and it's really important to me to handle medical situations honestly but also with grace.

^ This has been a recurring thing in my fics - pretty much all my larger aus have had some kind of mention of serious and/or long-term medical care, because these guys keep getting into Situations, and also I just enjoy writing people who need help recovering and handling situations like that with care. Recovery and illness are often seen as ugly or gross, and I truly loathe that. Being chronically sick is awful to deal with. It's loud and infuriating and mortifying, but it's human. I rarely talk about the details of my illnesses because even among other chronically ill friends I often feel disgusting for explaining what happens in my body. I hate that this is how society conditions ill people to feel, pressuring them to hide away and to think less of themselves for things they can't control, so wherever I can, I want to give chronically ill people a little slice of respect. I want to represent long-term recovery as being something that isn't seen as gross or shameful, and something that isn't a statement on that person's worth.

Moving on from That Topic, this was finally the chapter that let them TALK LIKE ADULTS!! thank god. We've waited long enough.

It took almost losing Neon for Fade to accept that she wasn't doing the right thing. She'd genuinely believed it, but she was leaving Neon for the sake of protecting her. After seeing her almost die, it helped her realise that they're all at risk all the time thanks to their work. Whether Fade's in her life or not, she can't ensure Neon's safety. Keeping them apart and knowingly breaking her heart wouldn't help anything, and she's officially run out of reasons to stay away from her.

That said, she didn't expect Neon to forgive her. She apologised because she realised her mistake and Neon deserved an apology, not because she wanted something from her. She wanted Neon to know that she understood her wrongdoing now and it wasn't Neon's fault. It wasn't a statement on her company or her worth, and it wasn't something she'd done that had driven Fade away. Neon knew that, most of the time, but she needed to hear it.

Another Cypher friendship moment! Finally instead of just begrudgingly tolerating his presence, Fade went to him and asked for advice, and it ended up being really, really good advice. This is also kind of a funny callback to freckle fic, since in that fic she took Cypher's advice too literally and fucked up even worse with Neon. It was nice to be able to show his advice working out for once.

Fade's dream wasn't prophetic. She was just thinking about what Cypher said and she knew he was right - Aykut would want her to be happy. He left on the train as a way to disconnect the thought of him from her allowing herself to be happy. I know this can look like a metaphor for dying, but we don't know if he's alive or dead in this fic. Like canon, we don't know a thing about how or where he is.

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Chapter 15

This chapter was a beast. My guideline for chapters was "around 10k or more", because I knew 10k was about the lowest I could go to fit in as much story progression as I wanted into each chapter, but I wasn't going to force them to stay short if a chapter needed longer. This one tested me and decided to be almost three times the length of a regular chapter. Yay!

It was SO NICE to write them being soft and fluffy. After so long spent fighting to get to this point, them being happy together felt earned.

This chapter was also fun because as time went by it went from "aww, sweet fluff" to "oh my god they're so horny. they literally just need to fuck and then they'll be normal again, it's that easy".

It was tough to choose who would catch them making out. I liked the idea of Skye for the comedy, but Uni suggested that Reyna would give us the chance to humanise her a bit. She's been a bit of an antagonistic figure in Neon's plotline, but it's a shame because she's not a villain. It's not as black and white as that, and it was a good idea to show the gentler, more sympathetic side to her. We decided to combine them to have that humanising moment for Reyna while also having the comedy from Skye.

I was looking forward to their second first time for SO LONG, it was so nice to write. I also drew some art for this scene but Tumblr would shoot me dead if I tried to post it (believe me, I already tried). The nsfw rules on this site are so inconsistent...

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Chapter 16

Last chapter last chapter last chapter! And for once we ended on a whole chapter, not a short epilogue. This is pretty rare for my work, but this fic definitely needed it.

Neon being pretty bad at sex for a while after they get together is a bit of a staple in my headcanons. I can't imagine she's had much of it before. If she's had sex before in one of my aus, it's usually only with one or two people and they weren't great experiences (thanks to selfish partners and inexperience). Sex is a skill that everyone needs to learn and tune to each new partner, and I enjoy exploring that with Neon.

It's a little sad to end this fic on unresolved conflict between Neon and her mom, but I don't think it's something they'd get over that quickly. They'll work it out eventually, and her mom will come to understand that Fade makes Neon happy and is doing better than she did in the past, but it's not going to be a smooth road to get to that point.

The nightmare scene is pretty important - Fade's nightmares were one of the driving forces that led her to cutting Neon off completely for so long, but this time when she had a nightmare, she ran to her instead. It's important growth for her, but Neon couldn't know how significant it was since she doesn't know about Fade's nightmares. Fade doesn't think it'd be productive to tell her about them, and Neon doesn't see the point in opening up the past again when they've already agreed to move past it. They're here now, a thousand times better than they were, and they're learning how to handle their baggage together :)

The song Fade sang is Sarı Laleler by MFÖ. The lyrics are just too perfect... Fade did get her tulips...

If you've read more of my fics, you might recognise Neriman Teyze's name! She was mentioned in my party rock problems series and she's become a bit of a default stand-in for a "Fade's neighbour" character now.

Köri doesn't hate Neon because she did anything specific. He's a jealous mommy's boy and he doesn't like anyone taking Fade away from him. Maybe he thinks Neon's the reason Fade has to go away for long periods of time, or maybe he just doesn't like her being so close and touchy with her, but either way, he dislikes her because he's jealous of his mom. Silly cat. He'll get over it! Neon's patient with moody animals. She'll keep trying until he forgives her for this crime she didn't commit.

Ahh, how I love circle form. I've done this several times now, but I really love circling back to end a story the same way I started it. In this case, we started out with Fade taking about the sunrise when they first met, after the raid in Istanbul that went about as terribly as it could have gone, and we ended with Fade taking Neon to Istanbul to peacefully watch the sunrise.

-

Other notes

Music

I’ve posted it alone and also shared it in the last meta posts, but for anyone who still hasn’t seen it, here’s the playlist for this fic! It’s arranged in chronological order according to the story. All chapter titles also come from these songs, in order.

The chapter titles:

Blood on my Name < ch1 title (there's a reckoning a-comin')

Nature Boy < ch2 title (a little shy and sad of eye)

Paranoid Android < ch3 title (rain down, rain down)

Dark Necessities < ch4 title (keep an eye on the shadow's smile)

Love etc < ch6 title (too much of everything is never enough)

Glitter < ch7 title (look at my face, look at that joy)

Chartreuse < ch8 title (to show my true colours //) + ch9 title (// i must first be exposed to the light)

Moby Dick < ch10 title (honey, you don't know the half)

Do I Wanna Know? < ch11 title (was sorta hoping that you'd stay)

Rory < ch12 title (in windburnt homes)

The Killing Moon < ch13 title (too late to beg you)

Against the Kitchen Floor < ch14 title (i could hold your hand but keep you at arm's length)

Borealis < ch15 title (promise me that you'll start where i end)

Something About Us < fic and ch16 title (there's something about us)

[btsandvmin]

Bet you anything that at least one of pjms song is vmin coded do u dare challenge me XD. I know i might be delusional here. But thats just for fun after all. I Guess shipping Wars meant to be fun if we dont cross bounderies of course. Anyway im so in love with vmin's bond and even if they are not a couple they do act like one sometimes XD And they do seem to be genuinely happy when they are together. Anyway im so happy pjm is coming. Btw didnt jimin said in festa that they both worked hard for their mixtape? Maybe together. Who knows XD. Im so excited. Vmin best bros.

Omg yes! I am so excited for PJM1! And no, I won't take the bet against you. 😝 As you say it is for fun, but considering their track record of similar themes (I mean even Jimin's part in Vibe has moon, stars, night and holding hands, and it's not even Jimin's song) I am kind of scared and excited.

And a Vmin joint mixtape (or collabs on their individual ones) have been a dream of mine for so long. (Anyone remember when I wrote about an actual dream I had about it? Vmin had a cute mv with them together on a couch and everything. 🥺❤️) But I don't know if I dare hope for it... I don't want to end up disappointed because of wrong expectations. 😅

Either way... You who have followed me for a long time probably know that lyric and song analysis in regards to Vmin is something I have done a lot, and something I enjoy a lot as well. Even if it's just for fun there is just a looooot to find in their songs that match extremely well between them and in regards to their relationship.

Anyways, of course I am looking forward to it even if it doesn't have a single Vmin theme or connection. But again, it would be really interesting to see if there are some themes or other things that pop up that could have a Vmin connection. 👀 ⭐❄️🌙⁉️

(...actually what if Jimin's moon tattoos or just like the moon or moon cycle is on the cover... Like that would be Vmin but also Jimin himself you know. Sooo many possibilities that could be super ambiguous and yet make us think of Vmin.......)

So yeah, excited and also a little scared. 😜 But I am sure we will all love it and I can't wait to see more of Jimin's colors as an individual artist. 💜

Thanks for the ask @yesimavmintrash 😚