it was maybe 1.15ish, about ten minutes before the start of my film studies class and i was sitting the classroom alone, out of habit really and i like that peace of that room
i was shaking my heart started racing and the room was really warm and i started to lose the feeling in my feet and legs and hands accept i was holding my phone so i managed to put that down
and then all of a sudden some people came in and wow no they didn't really say anything to me but one of them did come up to me and said 'hey you alright' and i was like 'i uh panic attack' and my voice was all weird and not good and they just left me to it
and my teacher came in and i was sitting in his chair as usual because that's my personal form of rebellion and he asked me if was gonna move so he could set up for the lesson and i said 'no, can't, panic attack' because i still couldn't talk much and i had completely lost my hands and feet so i really couldn't move
so after a few minutes he was like 'can you budge a bit' so he could get on the computer and i just couldn't and it was terrible
and he asked me 'are you okay' and i tried to shrug but i physically couldn't i just said 'i don't- no-' oh god
and he left the room and some other people came in and i just couldn't sit there at the front and let everyone see it was bad enough so it took me a few minutes but i managed to get my feet moving enough to go and sit in my place by the door and then i just kind curl up on the seat i couldn't still breath very well and my heart was still racing and i was shaking and eventually my teacher came back
and then one of my other teachers came in and they spoke and then he came and spoke to me and then we went outside and walked around a little and he spoke to me about there's a college councillor if i need to talk and about seeing a doctor and that he understood because he has panic attacks too and he asked if i wanted to go back to class because they'd said about sending me home or something but i said i really needed to be in that lesson and i said i just needed a few minutes outside and he asked if i wanted him with me but i said i was okay
so i went outside and had a cry and i could hear my teacher shouting at my class because gareth had opened the windows to give me air bless him and eventually i went back up and we were watching the new spiderman movie
even though i still felt like i was having the attack
it last about 25 minutes i'd say and it was horrible
also a song in the movie triggered me and i had to go sit outside and cry for a bit but after that i was mostly okay
at the end i told gareth that i didn't like the movie because it felt empty and everyone else said what the hell was i on about but he said he knew what i meant and why i think that
and after class he spoke to me about my grade in the assessment i had been bugging him to mark and that i've probably got a merit and if i haven't, i just need to add a tiny bit which made me feel better and i gave him one of my rice crispy cakes i made and he had two because they have cherries on them and he said he loves cherries
and he didn't ask me if i was okay or how i was feeling or anything he was just nice and he was normal to me and yeah
why do i only see my favourite teacher once a week
also i spent all morning editing my college radio podcast which was nice but i haven't had a conversation with anyone who isn't my teachers at all today which kind of sucks but no one likes me on thursdays i guess
