I am seized by a fatal need for courtroom ninja drama fic
But not serious courtroom drama. I'm talking Phoenix Wright style Nonsense.
(Some of this was provided by the folks over in @sloaners‘ server, but the bulk of it was me spitballing nonsense at people who actually know the games, which I do not. I do paraphrase a few times to make it more feasible as a tumblr post/fic concept, rather than a rapidfire text conversation.)
Or one of those like. Reality TV paternity test things? But specifically in my mind the people involved in the actual paternity are a married couple and someone that joined them to be their third, and Clan Elders are throwing a fit about how the baby might not be the heir by blood! while the actual parents are like "I could not care less, this is our child, all three of us, please stop getting involved."
HashiMitoMada would be a VERY good option for the paternity nonsense, mostly because I can see Madara screeching at his own elders about how he already said Izuna would be his heir and he's not changing his mind!
Tobirama is just begging the paternity test to work faster off-screen because he's the only person with the machines to make it happen.
(Hashirama is just. Moping in a corner.)
"I just had to INVENT a paternity test that works before the birth! I had to figure out how to test amniotic fluid! If you assholes make me do something this stupid on such short notice again, I will be digging some shallow graves!"
"...for who?"
"I haven't decided yet."
Anyway, jumping back to like a Phoenix Wright-style murder investigation.
The victim was Danzo.
Even the prosecution isn't actually that interested in making sure someone gets arrested, but they're legally obligated to do at least try.
A bunch of people all acting really suspicious about who killed him. There is at least one shitty fake mustache-on-glasses disguise to provide a paper-thin alibi.
WAIT The other thing this gives us is ninjas in three-piece-suits but half of them wear the suits wrong. I’m talking mismatched buttons. The wrong way of tying their tie. Sewn-on-cufflinks. This is Naruto, for instance.
Tobirama would wear it properly, except he's rushing about in a lab coat, screaming at everyone to get out of his way because he's The Entire Forensics Team.
(This is the part where I have to confess that I have only seen the live-action movie of Phoenix Wright, as I don't game, so I just have the live action and tumblr osmosis.)
At this point, of course, we gotta ask:
Who is the most Belligerent Witness
And who is the Helpful™️ Witness that's super enthusiastic but entirely useless
I can see, say, Mito being a solid witness that both defense and prosecution are really thankful for.
Modern gen you have like... Sasuke and Neji are both incredibly belligerent witnesses. Neji at least is polite about it but pulls the "only answers with the absolute minimum of information."
Lee and Gai would have the over enthusiasm but forget to say actual vital testimony until pressed, and Naruto would love to help but might not be entirely sure what the case even is.
Shikamaru falls asleep when the lawyers consult their partners. Prosecution A consults Prosecution B for thirty-seven seconds, then turns around and the witness is asleep at the stand.
Tobi (as in Obito with mask) is an incredibly frustrating witness. They have to declare a recess just so all the lawyers can recover their blood pressure.
"Can we please get someone up on the stand with this guy as a handler? I'm--I'm going to explode."
Gaara: Helpful. Polite. Answers with detail. Answers the spirit of the question as well as the letter. Includes more detail. That's too much detail. Gaara please stop telling us about the sounds that bones make.
His testimony just drags on forever.
Ninken can and will take the stand! Pakkun even enjoys it! Some ninken require translators.
ABURAME TRANSLATING FOR A RANDOM GIANT CENTIPEDE THAT WITNESSED A MURDER IN THE FOREST OF DEATH
There are arguments about whether or not the testimony can count since nobody else can confirm the translation except Other Aburame so how do they know the Aburame aren't part of the coverup.
"Okay, so this Danzo guy had like fifty shell companies but I think I found the route that leads back to him?"
"Nah, that one goes to a guy that died eighty years ago that's still collecting pensions: his family lied and said he was still alive for the money."
"Fuck!"
Also I just. I love the idea of Sasuke and Madara being the exact opposite kind of belligerent witness.
Also, Orochimaru answers with pretty much the exact kind of wording as Gaara, but where Gaara is trying to be helpful and provide detail for the sake of the case, and failing to see that it's maybe not necessary, Orochimaru just wants to see people squirm.
...similar thing happens with Sakura and Kabuto. Similar phrasing, very different energy.
I keep picturing all of Team Taka as part of Forensics and Evidence Collecting ajshakshjd
Juugo, holding up a rabbit: I found a witness.
Karin joins forensics and Tobirama nearly weeps from joy until he finds her criminal record
"Shit, that was supposed to get thrown out when I turned eighteen."
Tobirama: I asked for an assistant, not a criminal.
Karin: I'm on parole.
Tobirama: That makes things worse.
Karin: I know how to use a [concerningly advanced machine that I, a business major, cannot name].
Tobirama: ...never mind, I'm keeping you.
Karin: I know how to DNA sequence AND use LA-ICP-MS
Tobirama: [weeps with joy]
Suigetsu would be great at blood splatter analysis.
...I think I read somewhere that blood spatter analysis is actually over in 'fake science that's pushed by cops and media but actually doesn't work' BUT apparently it’s in the Ace Attorney games so we’re going to ignore reality a bit. We’ve already got dogs and rabbits and centipedes as witnesses, what’s a bit of blood spatter?
He's also probably really good at cause of death stuff? Like looking at corpse and figuring out how long it took the victim to die, which blow did it, whether any damage was inflicted post-mortem, etc.
Sasuke is usually too busy playing Belligerent Witness but sometimes goes to join Taka for... uh... reasons.
Juugo: [takes the stand]
Lawyer: Hey, uh, why's that Uchiha guy with him? The witness--
Judge: No, no, we need Uchiha Sasuke on hand when questioning Expert Animal Handler Juugo.
Lawyer: ...why?
Judge: Property damage.
(Sasuke as a work partner with Juugo, also moonlighting as a witness/suspect in Danzo's murder.)
One time they need Juugo but can't find him even though court is already in session and he said he'd be here, turns out he was lured away by Kakashi's army of dogs. Kakashi didn't notice until he turned to ask Pakkun if he could help find the missing expert.
Juugo is a decent lab assistant, I think?
Anyway.
Tobirama taking on Team Taka as his forensics team while Orochimaru is... hm... traveling the country to promote his new autobiography, which is outselling the newest Icha Icha to Jiraiya's ire.
Sloane suggested “a case where it's all the Sannin as suspects in a murder. They would be THE WORST, say... the murder of Hanzo.”
To which I suggested “The Sannin are all suspects but the people on trial are the Ame trio, maybe?”
Which garnered the response of “It could be a surprise upset IN COURT that the trio should be on trial.”
We love a court upset.
Suigetsu finds out that the cause of death was actually an entirely natural heart attack, but while he was determining this, the rest of the team and the lawyers found like eight conspiracies by Zetsu, three by Danzo, four by Orochimaru, and an entire network of nonsense by Sasori.
INO IS THE PSYCHIC. I know her thing in canon is reading minds but pls. Ino is Maya. The Spirit Medium.
Is the judge:
1. Hiruzen
2. Hashirama
3. Hagoromo
4. Mifune
5. The Daimyou
(Old dude with authority, optionally easily distracted/questionably competent. I'd have gone for impressive facial hair but only Mifune and Hagoromo have more than like... Hiruzen's weird soul patch.)
It's not a soul patch but I don't know what facial hair is called and I can't just call it a goat beard
Response commentary was as follows:
The Daimyou would unfortunately be closer to the personality of the ace attorney judge, more blindly agreeing with things that sound good :joy:
Hiruzen could be fun if only for the competing facial hair for a beard, yes xD
Hagoromo would possibly be most buckwild tho
WELCOME TO MOON COURT
I managed to get this far with like... NO idea who the judges were except “IDK maybe Kakashi?” but consider:
...HashiMada rival lawyers
Dropping over to Izuna vs. Touka for when Hashirama and Madara inevitably become suspects of something or other themselves and have to be witnesses.
(Tobirama's too busy running blood tests, Anija, let Touka handle it, she's better at people anyway.)
...Hashirama is like. Marginally more put-together than Madara, right? So that... makes him Edgeworth... somehow...
That feels wrong but Madara as Edgeworth feels even more wrong.
Madara is very into screaming OBJECTION
ALSO consider: Friction when a doctor from a nearby hospital gets called in to provide expert testimony on something because Karin is like "no hey I should be the one doing this" and then she sees how cute Sakura is.
But also at some point Kakashi vs. Gai for a nonsense case. Their personalities are both VERY FUN for this sort of thing.
They had fought through loss and vengeance to build a home for both their clans, but neither could have foreseen that lust would be the thing that brings the edifice crashing down. MadaMito/ HashiMito. Revised and mostly canon compliant.
I blame @renaerys for this! (And procrastination...) Here’s chapter 4 after ten years and features angst, Madara and Hashirama bickering over who has the worst naming instinct and a flashback featuring some sweet Uzumaki jutsu.
Imagine your OT3 peeking at each other’s tummies to see who’s an innie and who’s an outie and ending up teasing the outie about it.
“Bellybuttons are weird.” Mito broke the silence between the three of them, glancing down at her abdomen.
“I’m trying to sleep you know.” Madara grumbled from her left, turning on his side to face away from her.
“I guess you could say that.” Hashirama replied, unfazed from her right. He looked down at his bellybutton thoughtfully, not wearing a shirt. Mito turned her head, also looking at Hashirama’s bellybutton.
“You’ve got an innie.” She noticed, her hand already reaching to pull up her own shirt. Hashirama glanced down at her, squinting in an effort to see in the dark. The minimal amount of moonlight shining through from the window helped but only slightly.
“So have you.” He said, one arm behind his head while the other went to trace a circle around her navel. Mito suppressed a giggle at the ticklish sensation, her muscles automatically clenching at the feeling.
“Don’t tickle me.” She tried and failed to sound stern, breaking out into a smile.
“What about you, Mada?” Hashirama turned his attention to Madara, who was still facing away from them, hair sticking up like an angry porcupine’s spikes.
“Don’t call me that.” Madara’s snap was half-hearted at best.
“Have you got an innie or an outie?” Hashirama continued undeterred, as if he hadn't already memorised every inch of Madara's body.
“Come on, show us!” Mito prodded, tugging at the back of Madara’s shirt.
"Ridiculous." Madara muttered under his breath before sighing and turning to face them. Mito pushed up Madara's shirt, ignoring the way he looked down at her with a frown. Hashirama watched the both of them with a lingering smile on his lips.
"An outie!" Mito exclaimed with faux horror, gaping at Madara.
"So what?" Madara asked defensively, forcefully tugging his shirt back down.
"You're the odd one out. " She smirked, a teasing glint in her eyes.
"No outies allowed in this bed I'm afraid." Hashirama said gravely, joining in.
"Oh please." Madara scoffed, rolling his eyes.
"Who would have thought you were an outie this whole time?" Hashirama shook his head sadly.
"Idiots." Madara sniffed, turning to face away from them for the second time, pulling the blanket up to cover himself.
"Aw, it's just a bit of teasing!"
"You're too loud, it's the middle of the night." Madara sounded thoroughly disapproving even as Mito snuggled apologetically into his back, her arm draping over his waist.
"He's right." Hashirama said, moving closer to the pair and pulling up the blanket so it was covering all of them. "It's pretty late, bellybuttons aside."
"Mmm, okay." Mito mumbled, her long hair fanned across the pillow. Hashirama brushed it aside gently so he could lay his head closer to hers. Brushing their hair in the morning was an experience to say the least. Except Madara of course, he only brushed his hair every blue moon.
Hashirama fell asleep with a smile on his lips, next to two of the most important people in his world.
I wasn't able to make anything for day 5 of Mito's week (I was traveling today) so I give you this old picture for now... hopefully by tomorrow I have something
This one was inspired by girlofbluefire 's idea of Mito being adept to meditation, what made me believe it helped her to deal with Hashirama and Madara (lol)
[渦] --- Her thoughts were driving her mad. Mito Uzumaki felt completely wrong but at the same time, it felt so right to have these emotions, to have her heart accelerate not only for her husband but for his best friend too. It was those feelings that eventually led her to be unfaithful but then the guilt tormented her every time she looked at Hashirama. Then as she spent time with the Senju, she’d forgotten all about the Uchiha but then as she spent time with Madara, the same happened, but instead she forgot all about her husband.
Was she a terrible person? Why was her heart doing this to her? Betraying her in such a way? Her mind screamed for her to stop and just get away from it all. But she knew she couldn’t and also, it would be completely unlike her. Mito doesn’t run away, she never has. She faces her challenges and obstacles head on and that is what she’ll do now too.
Having called on the both of them, the red head waited to see who arrived first.
