A Silly Goose
Fandom: Mass Effect Pairing: Kaidan Alenko/Jeff "Joker" Moreau, Female Shepard & Jeff "Joker" Moreau Rating: Teen Summary: Joker doesn't like being second best. Not at flying, and certainly not at extranet games. There is one gamer in particular that's become a thorn in his backside. Now he needs to figure out how to get back to #1 while not embarrassing himself. Unfortunately, failure is Joker's middle name. Words: 4137 Additional Tags: Friendship, Humor, Fluff, Canon Disabled Character, post-ME1, pre-ME2, Everyone Roasts Joker, Cameos by Tali, Garrus and Wrex
This is a treat I made for the @hatboyexchange for @keriweird, @timptoe and grimeypickens on AO3.
Read on AO3
"I'm going to wipe the floor with you, CanadianGoose51!" Jeff Moreau muttered, tracking the man's character through the field, waiting for the perfect moment when he'd enact his revenge. For all of the times he was obliterated on the field, all of the times that Joker was just shy of a win and had it immediately stolen by the Earthborn human. At least, he assumed his enemy was Earthborn by username alone. "Let's hear you quack!"
Lining up his final shot, he knew this was it. He was going to win his first match in months. With a deep breath, he clicked the fire button, only for the shot to go wide and completely miss Canada man's character. "Fuck!"
There was a sudden flash before he was left with nothing but a black screen, a flashing red "Game Over" overlaid on it. There was no fucking way-
Throwing his hands up, Joker almost knocked the keyboard over. He managed to save it at the last second, but his cup wobbled as his elbow bumped it. It tipped over, rolled to the edge of the desk, before a biotic field appeared to save it. The mug floated in the air briefly before being set beside him again. Thankfully, it'd been empty.
With a huff, Joker swiveled his chair around, gaze seeking out the only person who'd understand his pain.
"What the fuck?! How does he manage to do that?"
"Probably because you don't know the difference between a goose and a duck."
Shepard was resting on the couch in her cabin, with her feet on the seat and a datapad in her hand, and Joker rolled his eyes at her. Best friend or not, she could at least attempt to be supportive. The only person who was worse at this game than him was-
Well, the woman he was staring at now.
"Tomato, Tamato. It's a bird either way, right?"
"Didn't you grow up on a farm?" She asked, shaking her head almost as if she questioned his sanity. To be fair, she did question him most days, but that was usually in regards to him flying in insane maneuvers to save them from dying a fiery death. She could be a little grateful for him, after all. "You know what, I don't care. I can't take a man who names himself 'HotShotPilot69' on the extranet seriously."
“Hey! It was from my flight school days." And it was still accurate. "Can you take five minutes away from making fun of me and help?"
Shepard grinned at him, enjoying every moment of this torture because apparently she was all out of entertainment for the day. "Help? Where would the fun be in that? I love watching him kick your ass. In fact, if I could figure out who he is, I'd give him a medal for being one of the only two people in the galaxy to take your ass down a peg."
Joker grumbled, turning back to the terminal, hoping that ignoring her might finally shut her up. Maybe there was someone else who might help him with this. Did Tali play games? He knew she was good with tech, loved watching some cheesy soap opera type vids, but extranet games? What did quarians do when they weren't on their pilgrimages?
"I can see you using that brain of yours, Joker." Shepard said, interrupting his train of thought. He shot a glare at her, a warning even though he knew he couldn't do shit, and she laughed in response. "Don't burn yourself out. It's really not that serious."
Maybe to her it wasn't, but his pride was on the line. Before CanadianGoose51 came onto the scene, Joker had been ranked number 1 in N7 Code of Honor: Medal of Duty. Now, he was second and the hell would he let that go without a fight.
"Mock me all you want, Commander-"
"Oh, I will."
He ignored her interruption, intent on somehow winning this battle of wits between them. "But I plan on experiencing the glory of being the best once again. No one with the name 'Canadian Goose' is going to beat me at my favorite game."
She raised an eyebrow at him, a smile tugging at her lips. "It's an extranet game, Joker."
"It's more than that, Shepard. As if you'd understand anyway. You have stupid hobbies." He waved at the datapad in her hand and all she did was let out a snort.
"I'm reading. Or at least I was before you threw your tantrum."
"Ew. You read reports all day and your idea of fun is more reading?" Shutting down the terminal, he turned back to her in his swivel chair, waiting for her to tease him some more. Apparently, the only pastime she liked more than reading was roasting him alive.
"Are you jealous because you can't read, Joker?"
With a rude gesture, Joker got to his feet, feeling a little unsteady after sitting for so long. "Laugh it up, Shepard. You'll be eating your words soon enough."
As he turned to head back to the door, planning on getting in a shower and decompressing, Shepard piped up from behind him. "Are you sure you want to kick CanadianGoose51's ass? Because it sounds like you want to be him instead."
Joker didn't respond, refusing to rise to her bait. He shuffled to the stairs, grabbing hold of the handrail to make sure he didn't trip on the way up.
"Or maybe I'm reading this wrong, Jeff. Maybe, someone has a crush and doesn't know how to process it."
Ridiculous. He didn't even know who was on the other end of the extranet link and even if he did, no way he'd have any type of feelings past disdain for someone so obviously cheating to win. No, he was going to go back up against the Goose and he was going to beat them. Even if it took everything he had, he wasn't going to let it go until he won.
~~~~
The next morning, before he had to report to the helm, Joker found Tali'zorah sitting at the table in the mess hall, datapad in hand. There was a tube of that dextro-paste sitting beside her, half eaten and forgotten. He wasn't sure what she was busy doing, maybe finishing things involving her pilgrimage. If that was so, then she was probably nearly ready to return to her people. When she finally left, he was going to miss her. She was one of his favorite people on this damned ship.
Sliding into the chair across from her, Joker tapped his fingers on the table, trying to glance at what was on her screen. "Whatcha working on?"
The quarian glanced up, her eyes shining through her faceplate. He could almost feel the judgment even if he couldn't see the expression on her face. "I would explain the inner workings of a geth's core processor, but I doubt you'd stay awake longer than the first sentence.”
Throwing his hands up as in defense, the pilot tried to look as innocent as he could, knowing that Tali wouldn't believe a word out of his mouth either way. "Hey, I'm just making sure you aren't sneaking in vids between movie nights. I've been waiting for months to see Bloody Mary. I know how hard it is to resist the allure of vampires and all, but you can't leave me hanging like that."
Especially when he'd be losing his movie buddy in a few short weeks.
"I thought we were watching Krantt Hardly Wait." She shook her head, letting out a noise that sounded suspiciously like a sigh. "That's not why you're here. Keelah, you're a bad liar."
"I resent that. I’m an excellent liar.”
“Joker-”
“Fine.” He shifted slightly, trying to find a comfortable position. It was difficult when he spent most of his days sitting in the pilot's chair and the times when he was on his feet were done with excruciating pain. Tugging on his hat, Joker tried his best to appear nonchalant. "I had some techy questions for you. In regards to combat."
Tali straightened, obviously interested in the change in topic. "I can't say I have much experience in combat strategy, minus the obvious geth incursions, but I'll help where I can. What did you want to know?"
"You use a shotgun, right? How do you manage to use your tech while firing? I'm having troub- err, I mean, I've always been interested in knowing how combat and tech can work together."
Tali was silent, studying him... Or maybe just thinking about her answer. Joker couldn't tell with the dark visor covering her face. She was always difficult to read because of it. Usually, he had no reason to worry, he'd always been upfront with her about what he needed and she was the same with him. But now, his skin felt flushed, almost like he was on the verge of sweating, his heart hammering in his chest at an unnatural rhythm. Nerves, anxiety, whatever it was, he wanted to flee from her glowing stare, or to argue so she wouldn't see through his lies.
"Hmm." She tapped her an appendage against the datapad, bringing up some sort of chart before sliding it to him. "This is what I use when I'm in the field. A shield generator capable of omitting frequent bursts of energy if an enemy gets too close. It doesn't last forever and a point blank blast can almost always disable it, but it's good for a temporary solution. If you use a close range weapon, like a shotgun, it can keep you safe for a brief time."
The schematics were all gibberish to him, most of it written in quarian jargon or some type of tech lingo. Joker was good with flying and all manner of ships and their systems, but combat tech was an entirely different world. He'd have to research what it all meant, of course, but he could start here. Increasing his character’s shield output and finding a way to get close might be the thing he needed to defeat the Goose.
With a grateful smile, Joker took a moment to copy it to his own datapad, earmarking a few things he might want to follow up on before finding his feet. "Thanks for the help, Tali."
"If you have questions, I can talk about shields and tech all day." Tali teased him, a smile in her voice. He nodded, turning to head over to the coffee pot, hoping the machine wasn't full of Shepard's sorry excuse for coffee, when the quarian continued. "And Joker, good luck with your extranet game."
His cheeks flared red as he shuffled away, mumbling a thanks under his breath and trying to save his dignity by not tripping over his feet.
~~~~
Garrus was working on the Mako... again. He was always working on something: the tank, the battery, the Normandy's cannons, tinkering with the armory of sniper rifles. Either he was an overachiever or just enjoyed being overworked. Joker wasn't entirely sure if that was part of being a turian or if it was who Garrus Vakarian was, but he was exhausted watching him work so damned much.
Leaning heavily on his crutches, Joker stared at the bony legs sticking out from beneath the IVF, the only sound that of an omnitool combined with the clicking noise of some sort of tool hitting the undercarriage of the tank. He didn't know what the turian was up to, but most likely, Shepard was going to have to force him to stop whatever it was and get some rest.
In the meantime, however...
"What the hell are you doing?"
Garrus jumped at the intrusion, smacking his head into the undercarriage before letting out a low whine. Sliding out from under the tank, he was already rubbing his plates with a talon. Joker was greeted with a beady blue eyed glare in response.
"Hm. Didn't know turians scared easily."
"We don't."
"Whatever you say, Vakarian." Joker leaned on the railing next to the Mako, grateful for something that could hold him up that wasn't his own body. With a grin, he leaned forward slightly, meeting Garrus's glare with no fear. "You know, if you're such a scaredy cat, you can use that stick up your ass as a weapon."
"Ha ha." Garrus intoned, sitting up and rubbing his face again, stretching his mandibles in either annoyance or pain. Could've been both, but Joker didn't know much about turian facial expressions. If Shepard was here-
No, he was mad at her. He didn't need her help anyway.
"Any particular reason you're staring at me, Joker?" Garrus asked, finally getting to his feet, closing the omnitool before reaching up to adjust his visor. The orange glow receded, leaving them in the light of the dull white from above, casting shadows along the metal flooring. "I know humans have a tendency to find turians attractive, but you never struck me as the type."
Joker couldn't help it, he blushed from the tips of his ears down to his toes. He didn't- there was no way. There was nothing about Garrus he could possibly find attractive. He reminded him too much of Shepard at times. Then there was the stick that lived up his ass. No, the only thing that Garrus ignited in him was a desire to poke fun at him.
"No!" The denial burst from his mouth, completely embarrassing him as much as his red cheeks did. "I like the asari, blue and beautiful, and you know, with five fingers."
Garrus clicked his mandibles together.
What the fuck did that mean? Sir Isaac Newton, this was a mistake.
"I'll let Liara know of your interest then."
Fucking hell, this needed to end. "No, that's alright. You don't need to do or say anything. I was looking for you for... non-romance reasons." Clearing his throat, he glanced around the shuttle bay, hoping to find anything to distract himself with. The sight of the armory lockers gave him a sudden idea. "Uh, sniper rifles."
"Sniper rifles?"
"I was wondering if you could show me the best way to hit your target. Tricks, tips."
"That so?"
"Maybe a demonstration? I was interested in learning how a rifle works. Just in case."
That was the stupidest fucking excuse he might've come up with yet.
Garrus cocked his head slightly, watching Joker with a piercing gaze that definitely saw through his bullshit. "Are you sure this isn't some sort of romance thing? Because, if so-"
With a sigh and another burst of color along his cheeks, Joker tried not to choke on the words as he forced them out, panic making it difficult to do anything that didn't include fleeing. This sort of thing was why he was only friends with a handful of people. "Stop saying that. If you don't want to help-"
"I didn't say that." Garrus countered, replacing his wrench to the toolbox at his feet. When he straightened up, he met Joker's gaze, searching for something, but thankfully decided to stop teasing him. "Let me clean this up and I can explain the particulars."
Yeah, he was going to regret this.
~~~~
He was an idiot.
After the embarrassing interactions with Tali and Garrus, he'd hoped he could find someone who had any idea how to help him with his Goose problem. Tali's shield trick and Garrus's scope training would only do so much and despite it only being for a video game, he truly didn't want to embarrass himself anymore. Not in the game or outside of it.
So who did he decide to ask?
Fucking Urdnot Wrex.
Asking a krogan for help was only going to end one of two ways: Every single bone in his body was going to end up broken, crushed beneath enormously strong hands. Or, Joker was going to end up dead from Wrex's 'help'. Neither option sat particularly well with him.
Yet, despite all of that, Joker sat in front of Wrex as the krogan cleaned his shotgun, watching with perverse fascination as the krogan gently lifted the weapon, cradling it as if it was a newborn child in need of extra care. He was positive that krogan didn't treat their legitimate young as kindly as Wrex treated his gun.
"So, whelp, what did you need help with?" Wrex kept a singular blood red eye on Joker even as he cleaned the gun.
"I need help... with a guy." Joker said, evasively, trying to figure out how offended Wrex would be if he flat out asked for help with an extranet game. He'd never seen the krogan laugh, or really be affectionate with anyone but Shepard. He didn't know how far he could push before he ended up as a human pancake on the floor of the ship.
"Killing him?" Wrex asked, tossing the rag he'd been using on the bench before inspecting his weapon. "My favorite part is the killing."
I know, Joker thought, casting his gaze around for any sign of another person. He wasn't picky at this point. He'd gladly take Garrus's teasing again if it meant he didn't need to have this conversation at all. Garrus might even be able to distract Wrex so he could sneak away, hide until the krogan forgot he'd ask him for anything-
"You humans think too much."
Joker realized silence had fallen between them and he awkwardly swung his feet, the stool he sat on shaking with the movement. "Yeah, we do. Look, Wrex-"
"Human."
Joker ignored the implied insult. "I don't want to kill anyone. I need to beat him at his own game."
Wrex stared at him, in some sort of aggressive confusion. "Is this some stupid human idiot?"
"Idiom." Joker corrected automatically and Wrex's nostrils flared at that. He wondered if he'd be able to make it to the elevator before Wrex reached him. "It doesn't matter. I just need to know a good place to hit someone to take them down easily."
"The quad."
"Yes, that tends to work on most species." Joker said, trying not to let a sigh slip out. "I meant other places. Fleshy places that might bring a human down."
Wrex chuckled, dark and deep, and it sounded like a threat. "No place easier than the dangly bits, kid. Hit 'em where it hurts and hit 'em hard."
Joker figured it wasn't a bad option. He wasn't sure if he could apply it in a video game, however.
"Thanks for the help, Wrex."
"Anytime, kid."
~~~~
"I can't believe you asked Wrex for help." Shepard said, holding her sides as she laughed, not even noticing the glare that Joker sent her. Though, if she did, she would've just ignored it and laughed some more. "What did he say when you told him you didn't want to kill anyone?"
Joker grumbled under his breath, easily keeping pace with Shepard since she could barely walk with how she laughed. "We aren't friends anymore."
"Oh, come on, Jeff. You did this to yourself." She glanced at him with a smile. "If you'd just asked me-"
"You would've found more reasons to make fun of me."
"Yes, but I also would have helped you. I know someone else who plays this game and they're pretty good."
"Yeah, right. No one is better than me."
She raised an eyebrow at him and he promptly shut his mouth. Oh, right. The entire reason for this charade was because somebody was better than him. He didn't respond, only stared ahead as they got to the elevator that would take them to the mess hall.
"You don't believe me." She said once the door shut behind them, the ship nearly silent in the tiny elevator shaft. It was always eerie how quiet it got once those thick doors closed.
"I never said that."
She snorted, undignified and all. "You don't have to. I can see it written on your face."
"Stop reading my face."
Shepard rolled her eyes, leaning against the wall of the elevator with her arms crossed over her chest. "You get so grumpy when you're embarrassed. Will you just let me help you?"
He resisted the urge to snap at her, to tell her to mind her business, that she'd done enough to 'help' him in recent months. Instead, knowing that he was going to regret trusting her, Joker nodded, refusing to look directly at her. If he did and she gave him even the smallest twitch of a smile, he might lose his nerve and just space himself. The doors opened to the mess hall, the wide open space empty except for Kaidan and Dr. Chakwas. Kaidan was sitting at the table, a coffee and simple breakfast laid out next to a report he was working on.
The good doctor gave them a nod as he and Shepard entered, raising her mug of tea in greeting before disappearing into her office. Walking to the large dining table, Shepard lifted herself onto it, sitting cross legged across from where Kaidan ate, peering over at the report he was writing.
"Hey, Kai. Do you think you could help our friend here with something?"
"I'd love to, but I'm a bit busy at the moment." He waved at the log next to him. Rows and rows of armory items with marine assignments next to the ones that'd been given out. Boring as hell paperwork. Then again, most paperwork was boring.
"This is more important than equipment inspections, LT."
"Hackett might think differently, Commander."
"And he's perfectly allowed to do so as long as he stops bothering me." Shepard nudged the portable terminal towards him, a sly smirk on her face. "I have more fun things for us to discuss."
Joker didn't like the look on her face and he realized he'd walked into a trap. This had been her plan all along. To get him and Kaidan alone... Gods, how stupid was he?
"Do you still play that N7 game?"
"N7 Code of Honor: Medal of Duty?" Kaidan took a sip of his coffee, dark eyes glancing in Joker's direction briefly before returning to Shepard.
"Yeah. Our hot shot pilot here needs some pointers on how to beat this guy who keeps kicking his ass. I remember how good you were when we used to play." Shepard leaned back, placing her hands on the table behind her, a satisfied smirk on her face. "What do you say to being Joker's mentor?"
Kaidan glanced at him shyly and Joker swore there was a light dusting of pink on his cheeks. "I have a lot of work to do, Shepard. Maybe another time."
"Oh, come on, Kaidan! You're such a silly goose!" Shepard glanced in Joker's direction and it hit him like a skycar. This... no...
Kaidan's blush only darkened and he buried his face in his hands.
Shit.
"You're CanadianGoose51!" The words burst from him before he could stop them and he felt like his world just tilted beneath his feet. Scrambling to reach for a chair, he found that Shepard had already pushed one out for him to sit in.
Kaidan dropped his hands to the table, grimacing at the mention of his username. "Please don't spread that around. I'd rather people didn't know."
"You're... amazing! And infuriating!" Joker stared at the biotic in front of him, finding it hard to believe that this quiet and kind man was the one destroying him in a damned game. He might even be a little in love. "How many hours have you logged?"
"Too many." Kaidan looked like he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him. "Joker, if I'd known you were HotShotPilot, I wouldn't have gone so hard on you."
"Why? You think I can't beat you on my own?" Joker wanted to be angry about that, but nothing Kaidan did was to purposely hurt someone. He was too fucking nice.
Kaidan met his gaze. Joker didn't know what he saw when he looked at him, but he wasn't angry anymore. Not if it was Kaidan winning the matches.
"If you think I'm going to let you give me a win, you've got another thing coming. We're going to have a rematch and I'll wipe the floor with you. I'm going to make you whimper like a baby."
Shepard coughed, covering her mouth with her hand, but he heard what she was trying to hide easily. "You'd like that."
The back of Joker's neck flared with embarrassment, but Kaidan didn't seem to hear her. He only smiled, a devious twinkle in his eyes that made Joker's stomach tie up in knots. "It's a date then."
He didn't know why that sounded so good, but Joker was actually looking forward to it.
