I was given the honor of giving a testimony to many young adults and college students about my relationship with Jesus and of finding hope in Him. There is a...
I was given the honor of giving a testimony to many young adults and college students about my relationship with Jesus and of finding hope in Him. Here is the original interview that I did and I will also give a link to the video testimony someone I know made for this retreat. I hope through this testimony, you can come to know Christ and have faith in him; that you can come to believe in him and start a personal relationship with him. I want to give God and Jesus all the glory. I also want to thank God, Jesus, family, friends who supported/love me, and everyone who came to the Higher Calling. May God bless you and have a happy new year!
1. Introduction
Hello! Nice to meet you all! Let me tell you some things about myself. My name is Annie Koo. I am 28 years old as of this year and I am currently an ISFJ. My blood type is B; I’m the year of the dog; my zodiac is the Virgo sign; my birthday is on 9/11; and I graduated UCI in 2017 as an English major. My favorite color is sky blue; I love meat (especially pork belly); I also like to draw, read, watch kdrama and anime, and write. I am the oldest of 5 siblings and I love them all!
2. Introduction and explanation of her condition
So as I mentioned before, I am the oldest child of my siblings and I have a disability called Congenital Muscular Dystrophy (CMD). Not only I have it, but so does my youngest sibling too. This disability is a genetic degenerative disease, which I don’t really like to refer it to because it sounds like a flu or something. Anyways, it’s a disability that affects the muscles like the organs and other voluntary muscles. As time goes by, people with CMD become weaker and weaker until eventually they can’t do anything pretty much. Most severe cases, they end up using ventilators or Oxygen due to being unable to breathe by themselves; have a feeding tube; or other things. You get the picture. The usual type of Muscular Dystrophy that is most common, though, is the Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy (DMD) in which that affects mostly men. Apparently the children life expectancy with CMD averages from age 10-30. Well, thankfully by the grace of God, as a rare female with this disability, it looks like I’ll be blowing past that age! Ha ha ha! Just kidding. But it is super rare to have 2 people in my family to inherit this disability. When I know and see this, it does make me think and realize that God must have a plan/reason for everything. I have yet to have discover it, but I’m sure God will reveal that someday.
3. How did you come to know Jesus as your lord and savior?
I don’t know about you, but I feel/think like most people who are brought up from a Christian household would automatically refer to themselves as a Christian on a basic level. At least that’s how it was with me. I assumed I was a Christian due to my innocent naïve upbringing being taught by church and my parents’ guidance. I believed in God and Jesus but it was honestly more of a ritual in a way. I would pray before meals, before bed, and when I would get sick. I would talk to God on occasion when I get bored but it felt like I was talking to myself. It wasn’t until 7th grade that I opened my eyes to the fact that just because I was born and taught from a Christian family doesn’t mean that I myself was a sincere true Christian from my heart. I didn’t really actually have a real personal relationship with God himself. He was just always there, kind of aloof just looking at me to see how my life went. I knew in my head, he cared, but I couldn’t feel it. So when pastor Dan from Bethel Church, back then, challenged to us middle schoolers, it hit me hard. Then he lead us into prayer and invited us to accept Jesus as our lord and savior for ourselves. It was then that I decided for myself that I would become a true Christian and accept Jesus. The moment I said the prayer and accepted Jesus, my vision suddenly turned so bright and so white even with my eyes closed. I felt such an overwhelming sense of peace, love, forgiveness, and even pity for those who hurt me in the past. When I opened my eyes, everything was still so bright that it surprised me. As I went outside and I felt the sunlight, I felt the warmth and love from God. It was as if he was hugging me and telling me how much he waited for me and loves me no matter what. As a person with a disability, getting a full hug is so difficult, so I felt satisfied and happy. So now, whenever I go out and the sun is out, I close my eyes and face the sun to feel the warmth and acceptance from God. I even talked to God and pray to him whenever I felt and needed him. I fully relied on him and started my personal relationship with him. I started to see things differently and my mom even noticed how different I became as well. I became a born again Christian. However, as I got to high school and college, my faith and my relationship with God faded away. I still was a Christian but I wasn’t close to him as I had been before. Then I had a nightmare one day that I went to hell. I told this story a few times before to other people, but I do tell this because it is necessary for all Christians to know or be reminded just like I was. I dreamt that I was being judged in front of 3 people/angels (I forgot) and the one in the middle asked me only one simple question: How do you get to Heaven? In the beginning, I was nervous before I had heard this question, but after hearing this, I was relieved and was glad that it was an easy question. I was foolish and arrogant. I overconfidently answered that I believed in God and that God was the answer. The people/judges looked at each other in disbelief and then the middle person looked at me seriously in dismay and shook his head and said, “Wrong answer”. At that moment, I was shocked and deathly terrified. He then, pressed a button in front of him and a hole under me opened and chains shackled my ankles and dragged me down to hell. Panicking and freaking out, I screamed while crying at the person, demanding to know the right answer to the question. As I was being pulled down, he sadly looked at me and spoke, “Jesus. You need to believe in Jesus”. I stopped struggling. The moment I heard the answer, I realized how wrong I was, what a sinner I was, and lastly how could I have forgotten about Jesus. I also realized that there were many religions that believed in “God” but there was only one true religion that puts Jesus as the only way to the way, truth, and life. As Jesus himself says, “no one comes to the father except through me”. It was then I felt that I did deserve to go to hell and so I gave up and readied myself in hell. Yet, with God’s grace and mercy, I woke up. I was so thankful and blessed to be alive. Alive to have another chance. From then on, I never forgot that dream, answer, and Jesus. Now, I always try to include and sincerely mean what I say in prayer in Jesus’s name and I constantly remind myself Jesus is the answer to everything. So I’m giving you all the answer beforehand and you must sincerely genuinely mean it with all your heart, soul, and mind when you say this answer. Prepare yourself. You never know when your time comes.
4. What are some struggles you face after you became saved?
Oh boy, there was a lot of things and still are things that I struggle with after I was saved as a Christian. One of the few things, I still struggle is to have a comfortable and deep relationship with my dad. I have my issues with forgiveness and inner pain involving him. I continue to need God’s help and I believe that someday I will eventually have a great relationship with him. Another thing that I struggle with is my doubts if whether I am a hypocritical Christian or not. I want to be a true follower and believer of Christ, but it seems that my actions/behaviors at times can come out as hypocritical. I say I want to do what pleases God and yet I get lazy, tempted, or annoyed doing things for God. I feel as if I’m doing it out of obligation. Thankfully, as merciful as he is, I repent earnestly and try again and I’m given another chance. Even now, as I’m talking to all of you, I honestly am worried that what I say now may be different to how I act in the future. However, I want you to know that as of now, in this moment, I am being open and genuine about myself and everything I say. The last main struggle I’m currently dealing with is my trach and the way to live with it for the rest of my life. I never thought in my entire life that I would get a trach. I assumed that I would live out my life as normal as possible like everyone else. But then I developed seizures in 2019 and then pneumonia in 2020 January/February. It was then I had to be hospitalized due to lack of oxygen and being unable to cough out the mucus from my lungs. With a difficult decision, I decided to proceed with the tracheostomy surgery. At first, I thought I would do the surgery and then when I get better, I would take the trach out. Ultimately, it was decided best to keep it in just in case of possible future serious congestions. Mind you, this period was during the time also when I was semi distant with God. While I was hospitalized, I was unable to speak and couldn’t communicate with others, especially the nurses who attended to me. They didn’t know I could talk. I was so frustrated, and I really thought I lost my ability to speak because no matter how hard I tried, no sounds came out. I way later found out it was because they blocked my throat area with a “balloon” or a cuff. However, during the time, I thought I lost my voice, I was so sad, bitter, angry, resentful, frustrated, and lost. It really challenged my faith in God. Why had God allowed this to happen? Was I taking too much of his grace and love for granted? Was he angry at me? Maybe I did deserve it for distancing from God. Maybe God allowed this to happen for me to have a chance/time to get closer to him. The more I thought and contemplated, the more angry I became. Why did I deserve this? Why did God give me a disability? Why couldn’t I be born like everyone else? Why me? Why couldn’t he heal me instantly right there and then? I was in too much grief and agony to be patient any longer. My patience had run out and was at my limit. Then for the rarest and first/second time in my life, I directly and seriously got angry at God. I never cuss but I cussed out loud from all my might (not to God but at the situation) and since I couldn’t produce sounds, the room was quiet. All I could do was form words from my lips. No one was there and no one heard me, besides God. I cried and prayed from my heart, mind, and soul. Ironically at that moment I thought of Hannah who prayed desperately for a child and prayed without making sounds. Unlike Hannah, I didn’t have a priest/ or any person near me to tell me that God has heard me. I knew God heard me, but I still didn’t feel the holy spirit around me. I felt so lonely. After yelling, I gave up hope and felt misery and numbness. In some ways, I suppose I was depressed too. I had lost hope. The only peace I had was that if I died, I would be in Heaven and would confront Jesus. Thankfully, many people were praying for me and with the power of prayers, I recovered well and finally the doctors released the balloon to allow me to talk. Still, even then and afterwards, I was still upset and numb towards God. But I have to admit now, even though it was one of the worst times in my life, God’s timing and plan was perfect and I have to thank him for that. As soon as I was discharged from the hospital and came back home, a few days later, Covid hit strong. I was at home while the hospital was packed with covid patients. If I had went to the hospital during covid, I probably would have no room and receive medical attention I needed. Plus, when I was hospitalized, I had the whole floor to myself. In addition, I had someone helping me and my family for about 3 years. Through this, I was also able to meet my wonderful and awesome nurse who became my close friend. A lot of my other friends worried and cared for me. I could see how much I was and am loved by others. My mom struggled so much as well and I’m grateful to God for providing me with the best mom and family I could ever have. It’s been almost 3 years since then and now I can see that, that event had to have happened to me in order for me to understand other people with serious health issues deeper, especially those with traches. Praise God!
5. In your current condition, what keeps you hopeful?
So far, what keeps me hopeful in my condition, is that God is good, even if the bad times occur and I can’t feel it at that moment, it will be better at the end. The hope that God is always by my side even though it feels like he isn’t there. The fact that he knows and listens to everything I think and say. I can be open, honest, and vulnerable with him. God’s promises to me and seeing Jesus in my dreams in the past helps me to look forward to the future in store for me. (The only problem is I need to be proactive and not be lazy…) I know he’ll open many doors for me and use me when he needs me to or when I’m ready. The song “Before the morning” by Josh Wilson encourages me to endure the life God has given me and that it’s just the dark before the morning. (off the topic, but another thing I can be hopeful about is that maybe I can married to a great man who likes me for me and sees beyond my disability).
6. What are you looking forward to when you get to heaven and why?
Let me tell you, I have so much to look forward to when I get to heaven. I want to walk, run, jump, lay on my stomach, roll around, and move without restrictions like any normal people would on Earth. Sure, maybe fly too. I want to lay on the soft grass with the sun on my face without worrying about ants/insects. I also want to snuggle up to Jesus and rest my head on his shoulders. Or lay my head on his lap while he’s combing through my hair or getting a piggyback ride on his back. Or getting a back hug from him while I’m looking at heaven’s landscape. I’m so curious and looking forward to being in my perfect form without a disability. I would be a lot taller, more confident, brighter, more proportion. I probably would stick by Jesus.
7. What’s an encouragement you can give our current students who are struggling to find hope?
Honestly, there’s not much right encouragement I can say, but I’ll try. There’s a saying I tell myself when I’m stressed or having a hard time and that is “Try your best, and God will do the rest.” . I did lose hope in the hospital and despaired, but I now realized that perhaps what I lost was temporary hope. The hope that God will rescue me from my pain and anguish. In the long run, however, I didn’t lose my eternal hope in being with Jesus in the end and being at peace once my life was done. So even if things may suck and be so miserable, having God/Jesus by your side and talking to him like he’s your friend can lead you to find joy, hope, and peace even in the little things. Also try to be thankful in every circumstance. When you’re thankful, you tend to complain less and learn to enjoy life God has given you. You become optimistic and positive. In my case, I’m actually most of the time grateful to God that I have a disability, especially this type. Sure there are stress and complications and frustrations and hardships that come along with it, but I feel like there’s still many more blessings than I can count. Just like the song “You make beautiful things” , I believe God can make beautiful things out of me eventually. I can firmly say that the disability God has given me is his grace and mercy to me. If I had been a normal person, I probably would have been very rebellious and be very liberal. I also wouldn’t be able to value my family and gaining understanding of others in a considerate manner. My family would be broken and I probably wouldn’t know or see my other siblings. I also wouldn’t be able to meet people I see now. I have so many people God has placed in my life to hopefully make an impact on others and share the goodness of God. I thank God and everyone in my life who love and shaped me to who I am today.
Here is the Link: https://youtu.be/uNe9qe48_PY
