i’m giggling and kicking my feet at the thought of married price to an afab reader who dresses daintily and acts like the kindest person ever, and he’s known you for a while! so he thinks he’s well prepared on your every like and dislike
so imagine the absolute surprise, shock and honestly flabbergasted expression he gives you when he suggests role playing in the bedroom and you sit on top of him, grinning like a maniac, before slapping him so hard his cheek stings, his face has been turned to the side, there is ringing in his ears, and his cock is immediately hard
i just need a quiet place to scream how i love you.
this isnt really about anyone specific, just my own feelings and like, wants. and its something thats been on my mind for awhile. i cant stress enough that its not about anyone but me, and i very much dont mean to hurt or like, attack anyone.
since leaving my ex, i have never felt so free to be me. to do what i enjoy. and to explore ideas and thoughts about my own sexuality.
yeah, i have weird kinks. yeah, i like being beat up. and since dumping my ex, ive been able to find a number of people who i've involved myself with in some form for another, and i very much love them all very dearly.
but i cant help but notice a recurring issue of me either being too much for people or not enough for people. maybe im being overly critical of myself. maybe not.
and while i love having weird sex and flirting. the one thing that ive been feeling for a LONG time is that i am fuckable, but not lovable. i dont mean like. that im an irredeemable unlovable cretin. but the way i was treated for. months. and my own observations about how overwhelming i can be, or how unsatisfying i can be... i was made to feel like an object, essentially told that outright, and me feeling like i fumbled on the more sentimental heartfelt side more often than not...
i just want to be someone's someone. i want to feel wanted, and wantable, in a romantic way. i want to be held and called theirs. nothing would make me happier.
Heads up kiddos and other lovelies, this is NOT a fluffy story. There's no gore or anything but it's definitely impure regression with lots of screaming and hitting as well as involuntarily/coerced regression.
Ticket Taker:
"Jester, have you seen Natanael? He was meant to bring us a new fool today." I ask, looking towards my purple haired coworker. "Haven't seen him. He's likely running late looking at applications for baristas. He'll turn up, you know he doesn't run off. He's much too smart for that."
I nod, it's true. Natanael knows better, he's tried it before and just ended up sitting in a corner crying. "There he is, and empty handed too. I'll let you handle him today Bil." I break from my thoughts just in time to see Jester leave and Natanael stand there, almost looking aggressive. "What a sweet sight. Welcome back to the circus." He doesn't say anything, but I watch as he walks towards me, then shoves me. He actually put his hands on my chest and shoved me. "And what was that for?" I ask while steadying myself and studying his face. "I'm done getting fools for you! I'm not doing it anymore! I want my baristas back and to run my cafe in peace!" My eyes meet his, and I smile and put a hand on his head. "How adorable little one. You know you don't have a choice, you listen to me, your mama and uncles. Isn't that right?" He tries to shove me again. "Natanael do not make me remind you what it means to use gentle hands. You'll be spending the rest of your day in that corner if you try it again." I take a step away from him, giving him space. I'd really rather not stick our little one in timeout but he's almost out of chances. "Now, why don't you go sit at the desk and wait for mama, hmm?" He doesn't sit, he runs. He runs right out of my tent, I follow him. He trails off towards the exit. "Not again..." I follow him through the circus until he runs out of the fence and into the city. He won't get far. "Bil, where is he?" Jester asks as he steps into my line of sight. "In the city. And just as we were praising him too. He'll likely return to the cafe or a park." He nods and two hours later the circus closes for the night, we start looking. Jester and I head to the cafe whilst the others search the city. Even if he were to run he still wouldn't be able to outrun us.
"The lights are on." I follow my partners gaze, the lights to the cafe are on. And surprisingly, the door is unlocked. "At this point I'm sure he wanted us to find him." I nod in agreement and look around, eventually the both of us reach the back office. With a push of the door our tiny human is revealed, holding quite the large knife. "Oh Natanael, put the knife down little mouse, you know babies don't play with sharp objects." I stay back as Jester approaches him, calm, quiet and careful. We both notice his hands trembling. "There you go, what a good baby, you want to put that down, don't you? Come back home if mama and daddy and go to bed?" He drops the knife. Whether on purposely or accidentally it doesn't matter, Jester grabs him before he can do anything. "Alright, Bil, call off the search. We have our sneaky little mouse now." However I already did, so now we can walk out in peace. Three steps out of the cafe Jester gives me a look I return almost instantly while he carries our baby. "I think when we get home our little mouse would love to go to bed, and wake up to a new backpack leash and not be let out of our sights. Don't you agree?" Jester adjusts his hold so I can see Natanaels face. "Oh absolutely. And of course we'll have to move his crib from his room into ours, we can't leave him alone anymore."
I watch him get more and more upset as we walk. But he knew the rules, running equals revoked privileges. That if which includes being allowed to sleep on your own, walk around on your own and play on your own. Eventually we reach the circus and I take him while Jester works on moving things around. "Little one you should've known better, so much better." I tell him and sit him on a chair before going through the closet. "You finally earned being away from us even after work and you just had to go and do this?" He knows it's rhetorical, he just sits with his head down, trying to not cry. I just grab a onesie from the closet and walk over to him. "It's bedtime, arms up." I carefully pull him to his feet and watch him immediately sit back down and cross his arms. "Natanael we're not doing this. Arms up please." Jester walks back in and he stands immediately, he knows very well who does and doesn't entertain nonsense like this. "Should we switch?" Jester nods and takes the onesie from me before I exit the room to finish setting up the crib next to our bed.
Jester:
The second I start to help him out of his jacket he starts the dreaded whining. "I'm not tired!" I ignore the complaint and work on getting the shirt buttons undone and pulling it off. "No! Go away! I-" My sweet mouse just won't quit, will he? "That's enough. I know you're not tired but it's bedtime. You will put this onesie on them you follow me to mine and your daddy's and go to bed. Do you understand?" I stare at him, he stares at me. And after a moment of silence I get a quiet nod. "Good mouse." I finish getting him dressed for bed and let him pick two stuffies to bring to bed. He grabs a cupcake and a pig. We walk down the hall and to the bedroom, Bil is already waiting on our bed with Natanaels pacifier and sippy cup. "Do you want to sleep in your bed or between us?" I ask and pick up a comb from the dresser to start brushing out his hair. He whines but keeps it mostly to himself. In the end he decides he's sleeping in his crib, honestly a better choice than between me and Ticket Taker, we tend to move in our sleep quite a bit. I put him in the crib once I finish with his hair and hand him his sippy cup. One would think all is going well. One. Would. THINK. "Mama?" I turn towards him. "Yes mouse?" He holds his cup tightly. "Have juice?" I shake my head. "No, no juice. It's bedtime. That means water." I tell him and focus back on my book. Until that sippy cup launches right at my head. Thankfully he missed, but Bils grip on him didn't, I don't think I've ever seen him pull a little from a crib that fast. Or a smirk fade so quickly from someone's face. "Go pick it up." He shakes his head. "I'm not playing games, go get your cup." I sit up, watching the conversation unfold between Bil and the now silent little one. Or I should say was silent, he starts crying and screaming, telling us he hates us, he hates this life...I go pick up the cup and set it in the crib after lowering the bars. "He's done. He's exhausted and I'm not dealing with this." I go to pick him up only to get hit in the chest. I stare right at Bil, there's no way that happened, no way he also just saw what I saw and felt. "I hate you!!!" Is all I hear before he goes to kick his daddy. Bad idea, so very bad. I scruff him by the onesie and set him right in timeout. Ticket Taker works on getting everything possibly dangerous out of the crib, including putting foam bumpers in the corners and edges. "Get back in the corner." But the little one doesn't. He runs towards the door, just not fast enough. I turn him around and walk him right back. "I know you're tired, that's not how we deal with it. No more hitting, no more yelling." I let go of him and watch as he slides down the wall, still facing the corner and crying. "I know, it's not fair. But mama and daddy do what's best for you, even if you don't agree." I pat his head and after 10 minutes set him in the crib. It takes him a good hour to fall asleep but once he does he crashes completely.
"Are we really that bad?" The words leave my mouth before my brain can catch up. The lights go out and two different colored eyes step closer and closer until they're laying next to me. "No, he's just upset. You know he gets attached to the baristas. He thinks they're his friends. He'll learn soon enough that he only needs the circus." His hand finds mine in the dark.
