I identify as a trans*man. I am 19 years old and I realised that I was a guy around 3-4 years ago. I was always quite sure about my identity, even though sometimes I would have doubts.
It is funny how our fears may get a control over our thoughts and feelings. Yesterday I had my very first meeting with a psychologist. She told me that she can already refer me to the medical center for the following transitioning. I’d been waiting for these words and this support for 4 years, because this self-loathing is messing up my life greatly; I cannot talk to people without constantly thinking whether they scanned my true gender correctly, I cannot talk without crying on the inside that my voice is feminine, I just cannot live like that...
Though it is funny that right after she told me about that my self confidence just left me for some reason. Do I want to proceed the therapy at this exact moment or should I maybe wait longer? I am so used to hating everything about myself daily that I cannot even imagine that I would ever love the body of my own, which will reform from taking hormones.
I am scared and lost. I have no idea what to do.
I immediately get thoughts in my head that if I do not grab this possibility at my very first opportunity, then perhaps I am not even a trans*person?
Of course, my psychologist told me that she is not rushing or pushing me anywhere. She wants to help me to start feeling happy and figure out what I want to do with my life, my body and my identity. There is no right choice.
I hope you will find my story a bit helpful...