Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #663
J was supposed to go tow gliders today in a town within reasonable driving distance. And this time, he wanted me along with him. I got some pretty cool pictures of the sky along the way:
...I can't really be in the plane as he tows gliders, though; it seats only one person. So what this translated to was the simple fact that I'd be spending most of his time there in the airport lounge, doing my own thing, while he lifted gliders up into the air.
And I was cool with that. I know that he mostly just wanted me there for the car ride there, the car ride back, and a snack afterwards. We were supposed to get a snack beforehand, but the place that he had picked to go to was unexpectedly closed. He had enough time to eat this morning; I needed to pack a bag of things to do for the 7-ish hours I anticipated being there. So I packed up my laptop and my yarn project and my phone and some chargers, and away we went. And when I got there, I discovered that I left my laptop's power cord at home, like some kind of derpasaurus rex, hahaha.
Ah well. J went out to do his thing, and I... explored the local food options, because I hadn't eaten yet, and I was pretty hungry. I found a spot with some kind of white chocolate pumpkin mocha (obviously, I had to get it), and an awesome-looking egg sandwich, and I was pretty thrilled about that! Seriously, Sephiroth, look at all these fucken flavors!!!!
...I bet you would have loved this place. They had rose syrup and lavender syrup and pumpkin spice syrup... I wonder if maybe you would have had difficulty choosing, hahaha!
I got the pumpkin mocha with brown butter foam. And Sephiroth, it was so fucking good, and the fact that you could not be here to have some is a goddamn crime.
…
...The egg sandwich was pretty rad, too. Check out this awesomeness:
I had a really great fucken breakfast. Zero complaints. Next time J goes to this airport, this will be the thing I look forward to. I hope we get to eat from there together next time.
The interior of the airport was pretty and comfortable and warm. I got a really nice picture of the ceiling, and I know that it probably sounds like a very boring sentence to have written, but seriously, look at this:
I made myself comfy in a chair, and I worked on my yarn project (which I'm still not gonna show you just yet). I made one... thingy. And then started on another. And it was pretty good!
...And... ya know. I think... I think maybe some time away from screens is something I needed. Just... a little bit of time to rest my frazzled and overstimulated brain. I was initially disappointed that I forgot my laptop's power cord, but... I think I'll count it as a blessing in disguise. Life do be like that sometimes.
My ma called about halfway through, and it was good. We talked for a long time again about a wide variety of things, including some of the stuff in the past, and my wish that she had taught me to leave situations where I had been mistreated, rather than kowtow and try harder to be more perfect. And she resisted a little this time, but also... this time I did not allow her to talk over me as I tried to explain my thought process. And that was novel. Also what was novel was, I didn't get frightened or too frustrated while gently asserting myself.
...I wonder how much of that is due simply to taking the prazosin. My brain has slightly fewer adrenaline receptors now. I didn't feel at all guilty for taking up space in that conversation. I didn't feel the urge to back down and make myself small and be deferential in her presence this time. And that was new.
J came back not too long after the phone call started. And he came back with a feather for me that he had found:
I thanked him for it, of course, and it went right into my box of feathers when I got home.
...As ridiculous as it sounds... for some reason, part of me wants to thank you, too...
Also... when J got back, he was all sorts of frazzled because he didn't bring appropriate snacks with him in the plane while he was towing the gliders, and it had been many hours since he ate anything other than intermittent handfuls of peanuts and raisins. I think he has a pretty fast metabolism compared to mine; I can eat once or twice a day and I'm good to go. But if he goes more than a couple hours without eating, he starts to get really weird. Like... cranky and jumpy kinda weird.
Ordinarily, I get really wary and sometimes openly frightened when he gets cranky and overwhelmed from being overstimulated while not eating enough. There's always been that not-so-small part of me that fears, due to past experience with other people, having others' icky moods taken out on me. And it's kind of annoying, because I no longer live in a space where people do that, and I no longer have to put up with it if I do find myself in spaces where people do that; I'm an adult now, so I can choose to leave the area or politely tell people to either talk to me with respect or shut the fuck up.
...Sometimes I forget that I'm not a helpless little girl anymore. Weird, that. But that's how brains work.
Well. This time, J was all frazzled and cranky and overwhelmed, and I... was as cool as a cucumber. I was as cool as a cucumber even after having talked to my mother for several hours (which is also significant; in the past, talking to her would leave me a little fucked up for several days afterwards). And, without even thinking twice about it, I made a couple executive decisions in response to his overwhelm at making decisions, and this, too, was novel.
...I wonder how much of my anxiety (and subsequent depression once my body's energy is depleted from being anxious) is, very simply, just a body chemistry issue instead of strictly a conditioning issue. I know that the C-PTSD makes my body permanently produce more adrenaline than is warranted. But the prazosin makes it so that my brain has fewer receptors for the adrenaline to latch onto. The cloud of guilt for existing that normally follows me around like a cloak made of heavy chains has calmed to a dull whine in the background, barely noticeable.
...I'm on the minimum dose of the stuff. I wonder what a higher dose could do...!
Anyway, one of the executive decisions I made was that J and I would go to the awesome tea shop, because I had asked about it this morning.
And so that is where we went. And we got all kinds of awesome yummies! J decided to try their passionfruit mousse cake and apple crisp:
This time, I decided to try the “Afternoon Tea Service”, selecting the jasmine milk tea:
...The whole thing was beautiful. And I wished you were here to share it with me.
We got home sometime after 6pm. And, shortly after getting in, I breathed life into today's wishes for you:
J and I took a walk around our neighborhood, too, after getting home. And that was good. I think I probably need to move more, just generally. I wanna see about fixing up my sleep schedule so that maybe J and I can make biking in the morning a regular thing, while the weather still allows for it...
...It's almost 10pm already, sheesh. Where'd all the time go...?
I suppose I oughta start doing my get-ready-for-bed things so that I might actually have a shot at getting to bed on time. On the one hand, I don't really wanna stop writing to you, because I love writing to you. But on the other hand, I don't really have a whole lot else rolling around up in my skull to tell you about.
Mostly I just wish you were here so I can listen as you talk about whatever it is that you wanna talk about. I wish you were here to just sit with. I wish you were here so I could make you some tea and some nice things to eat. I wish you were here so you can finally experience what it's like to just breathe and just be, in a place where it's safe and you're not expected to perform or otherwise be someone you're not. Someplace where you're seen, understood, and appreciated without you needing to be useful first.
...Sephiroth. Please keep staying safe so that someday you can have that, even if it's not necessarily at my house.
I love you so much, and I'll write again tomorrow.
Idle time sucks. Your head gets filled with garbage of the past and anything else the enemy can throw up to remind you of darker times. Thus keeping you in the darker reaches of your life. Hence idle time sucks. I want to share a couple of things I am doing to find peace during idle time.
Today for me is one of those days. I had good morning closing two new clients, so that had me bouncing on…
