#if spaceman

[thespian-wallflower]

♪ You better be good to me! ♪

IF (2024) dir. John Krasinski

[ninjaturtlecosmo]

The IFs as quotes I found from some Dolphin memes with that Symphony song 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Art Teacher- I'm an alcohol addict

Star- I want to get my boyfriend pregnant

Cal- I need a lobotomy

Sunny- The voices are getting louder

Cosmo- I'm sending nukes to your location

Blue- I ate my school

Blossom- I cry when I'm jealous

Lewis- I have 4 days left to live

Bubblina- I overthink everything

Ted- My therapist told me I'm the problem

Gummy- I just threw up twice and nearly fainted in the bathtub from my period

Uni- I watch anime until 6 AM

Spaceman- What the fuck is happening

Steven- I have social anxiety

Banana- How life feels after I started driving with my eyes closed and hoping for the best

Ally- I'm a lesbian

Octocat- Life if I was born just a basic white girl that wears Lululemon

Marshmallow- I want to die

Magician Mouse- How I feel after saying I'd quit smoking (I won't last a week)

Andromedus III- The voices are telling me to gamble my kids' future funds and drink beer 24/7

Guardian Dog- I will sell you for one single beer

Robot- Why

[happyunbday2u]

So finally remembering that I watched IF I decided to take another look at the cast and oh my god have I forgotten the amount of people I recognize so here’s a random shitpost about the people I forgot/didn’t realize were in the movie

First of all John Krasinski not only played Bea’s dad but the burning marshmallow

Steve Carell voiced Blue and it wasn’t hard to distinguish his voice

Phoebe Waller-Bridge voiced Blossom

Emily Blunt voiced Unicorn

Matt Damon voiced Sunny, can’t believe they got Jason Bourne to play a sunflower therapist

Sam Rockwell as Guardian Dog which is kinda ironic cause he voices Mr. Wolf in The Bad Guys

Christopher Meloni voiced Cosmo which is fitting since he played Elliot Stabler in Law and Order so I’m 100% certain that while creating Cosmo they were like “Hey we should get that one dude from Law and Order to voice him” also the mental imagine of him in a sound booth yelling “CLOAK AND DAGGER” is funny to me

Awkwafina voiced Pop and like Steve it was easy to tell it was her

Blake Lively voiced Octopuss

George Clooney as Spaceman, the space joke was funny to me

Bradley Cooper as Ice, went from voicing a raccoon to a glass of ice

Amy Schumer voiced Gummy Bear, loved her in Trolls (she voiced Velvet)

Keegan-Micheal Key as Slime who reminds me of the Bounty Paper commercials

Bill Hader as the Banana

And lastly Brad Pitt as Keith, nice to see the original Ocean’s 11 trio in a movie again.

[ninjaturtlecosmo]

*Star is currently holding a music class with some of the IFs, Cosmo playing an electric guitar while screaming into the microphone, Blue and Uni doing their best with their own guitars, Spaceman playing the drums very messily, and Gummy Bear playing the keyboard*

Star:*keeping a smile on her face, but the look in her eyes practically says "These guys are gonna need YEARS of practice......"*

Cal:*quickly comes in* Hey, you guys okay?????

Uni: Yeah Cal! ^v^ We're just learning how to play music!

Cal: Oooooooh, I thought a group of Vietnamese people were having their intestines pulled out through their mouths. *leaves the room*

Star, Blue, Uni, Spaceman and Gummy Bear:........*slowly turn to look towards Cosmo*

Cosmo:........*glares at the door, letting out sarcastic laughter*

[ninjaturtlecosmo]

Might one day make some posts on some headcanons about the IFs previous lives, but since I shared my headcanon in a couple posts that IFs were originally humans, I thought I'd get a little dark here and share my headcanons on how each IF in the movie probably died in their past lives xD

CW: Some of these deaths might get a little disturbing, so proceed with caution..... or don't read if certain ways to die are too much for you to read about.

Calvin- Was likely a circus performer in his past life. He was a tightrope walker, but somehow he slipped on the line which caused him to fall to his death, dying as soon as he hit the ground

Blue- A baker who ran a beloved small business in his past life, but one day his shop was robbed by a couple of bank robbers. When he tried to reason with the robbers, he ended up being shot in the head

Lewis- Probably had the least traumatic of everyone's deaths, having died peacefully of old age before one day finding himself reincarnated as a giant teddy bear. He was actually a priest in his life as a human, but after his kid forgot him in his current life, he received what he felt was a calling from God to start a home for IFs looking for a new after after their kids forgot them. (A/N: I'm not really religious, but parts of religion have always fascinated me, so I like to incorporate it into my work if I think it fits a specific story)

Blossom- Was a ballerina in her past life, and one that was adored all throughout Europe, but one day during a performance, she slipped somehow and ended up falling off the stage, breaking her neck and dying on impact.

Art Teacher and Star- They were both lovers in their past lives together, somewhere in the 80s. Art Teacher was an artist of course, and Star was a musician that played local shows in Illinois. They lived together and were going to get married, but one day a group of home invaders broke into their house to rob them, Star getting severely beaten and stabbed as Art tried to save her, but the latter ended up thrown out of a window from their apartment that was about 3 stories high up..... Art died from the fall, and Star later died in the hospital from her wounds. (A/N: if you've seen The Crow, yes, that movie inspired me for this. Not the new one thar just came out, the original one with Brandon Lee)

Sunny- Was a therapist in his past life, but despite all the help he gave to his patients, he suffered from severe depression and had no one to talk to about his own issues..... He ended up losing his battle to his demons and taking his own life in his office.

Cosmo- Was a cop in his past life, and when he ended up helping to save a group of kids from a hostage situation, he ended up taking multiple bullets from the criminal he was after, dying from all his wounds.

Pop- A woman in her past life who worked in an office and suffered severe social anxiety. She was mugged one day in the streets and ended up being stabbed after having all her valuables stolen.

Uni- A cheerful woman in her past life who worked with kids and always got joy out of what she did, but sadly she died in a hospital of a terminal illness

Spaceman- Was an actual astronaut in his past life that one day was boarding a rocket ship to head to space with his crew..... but a malfunction in the ship caused it to explode before take off, killing everyone on board.

Ted the ice cube- Somehow got stranded out in a desert island, likely spent hours walking in a wasteland to find help, only to eventually die of thirst and heat exhaustion.

Banana- Was someone who always loved exercise, went out running almost every day.... He lived in Florida though, and one day he got too close to a lake on one of his jogs and got mauled by an alligator.

Steven the slime- Died by drowning in his hometown of Spokane

Marshmallow- Burned to death when he got caught up in a fire

Octocat- Was a professional marine biologist who went scuba diving under the water for her work.... Sadly she ended up losing her life under water when an octopuss got spooked by her and managed to strangle her to death

Magician Mouse- A Magician who performed in Las Vegas, he decided to have one of his shows feature a snake..... but sadly that snake bit and immediately killed him on the stage with its venom.

Andromedus III- An author who wrote ghost stories and medival stories, but he died of a heart attack before finishing the final book of his most recent series

Guardian Dog- An actor who was starring in a superhero movie, but production was canceled after a prop weapon somehow ended up actually killing him on the set on accident

Ally- A professional wildlife expert, she went into a swamp in Australia for her studies, only to be mauled to death by a Crocodile

Gummy- A woman in her past life that ran a candy shop, but she had a lonely life that caused her to turn to binge eating sugar for comfort at night.... this ended up being the cause of her death when all the sugar in her system eventually caused her to go into a diabetic coma and die.

Robot- A technician who worked endlessly to make technology that he hoped would change the world for the better instead of being used to make humans more dependent on technology and be another victim of corporate greed..... He had an invention that he was certain would help others, of which the invention and its functions remains unknown..... but whatever it was was enough for his higher ups in the company he worked for to have him shot and killed so they could take all the credit.

[ninjaturtlecosmo]

Trauma Candy Bowl, IF edition

If you don't know what a Trauma Candy Bowl is, and if you don't have Tiktok and therefore can't look it up, it's basically when a group of friends all come together to share different traumatic events from their lives, and then they dump any candy they have with them in a huge bowl. I think this is how the people in those videos bond over their trauma.

CW: Mention of SA, religious trauma, death, drugging, loss, and mention of 9/11

Cal: My name is Cal, and back in 2016, my kid and I both lost our mom when she died of cancer.... Shortly after, my kid forgot me and I was left alone in an abandoned apartment for a while until Blossom found me and brought me to Memory Lane. I brought mini Butterfingers. *dumps the mini Butterfingers in the candy bowl*

Bubblina: My name is Bubblina, and my kid had a strict religious upbringing, while also going to a Catholic school of their choosing. We both lived under stress all the time that we weren't following God's path and that we'd go to Hell for not believing hard enough, and in a sense our upbringing caused us a lot of anxiety...... I brought Fruit Gushers. *pours Fruit Gushers into the bowl*

Robot: My name is Robot, and most people don't know this, but my kid died during the September 11th attacks. He was in one of the towers when the planes crashed, and he never made it out..... I brought Twix. *pours some Twix bars in the bowl*

Star: My name is Star, and my kid grew up in a abusive household with a mother who was a drug addict and alcoholic. She eventually got away from that hell when her mom was arrested, but years later she died in a bus crash when she and her band were on their way to get signed to a big record label in Los Angeles. I brought Reese's peanut butter cups. *pours the Reese's in the bowl*

Spaceman: My name is Spaceman, and my kid was the drummer in Star's band..... He also died in that crash while their other band mates survived. I brought blow pops. *pours the blow pops into the bowl*

Art Teacher;..... My name is Art Teacher, Art for short, and my kid and I both lived in a very dysfunctional household with parents who just didn't want to understand their own child..... I went to parties with Star back in Illinois to distract myself sometimes from how chaotic things were at home, but at one party, I was drugged and sexually assaulted by someone I trusted.... I ended up blocking out that memory for a long time until that person showed up again and made me feel even more uneasy than I felt on a day to day basis. And..... I brought Swedish Fish. *pours the Swedish Fish into the bowl*

[happyunbday2u]

So after seeing that some of the IF cast were people I knew I decided to just interact with some of the other characters theyve played (Left to Right: They have Brad Pitt as Keith and the main movie I know him from is Ocean’s 11, same Goes for George Clooney since he voiced the Spaceman and Matt Damon since he voiced Sunny)

(Cosmo was voiced by Christopher Meloni who played Elliot Stabler in Law and Order: SVU and Ryan Reynold’s as we know played Deadpool)

[ninjaturtlecosmo]

*Star is riding a mechanical bull at the bar..... but instead of being dressed how she normally is in her usual rocker attire, she's wearing Daisy Duke shorts, cowgirl boots, a crop top with the front of it tied up tightly so her stomach and cleavage are exposed, and she's wearing a cowgirl hat while her hair is tied in pigtails*

Star:*arm raised in the air as she rides the mechanical bull* YEEEEHAW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Art Teacher:*glaring daggers at Blue*........

Blue:........ Okay, I know you're mad--

Art Teacher: Let me get this straight....... You saw a turning dial on Star's lower back, and instead of leaving it alone, you turned it..... turns out that dial can completely change her personality based off of different music genres..... And THATS why she's speaking in a Southern accent, while dressed and acting like a fucking Buckle Bunny??????

Blue:.......... What's a Buckle Bunny?

Sunny and Spaceman:......*glance at each other, knowing full well what a Buckle Bunny is as they're both from Wyoming and Kentucky*........ *burst out into laughter together*