#incorrect the hobbit

[entishramblings]

Bard: *lying down and crying*

Thranduil: There, there. Why don’t you take some time off to not be around me while you’re like this?

[quality-street-rat]

y/n: Oh no no no no no, not this time buddy.

Kili: ?????

Y/n: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times...it's back to you again.

Fili: That's not how that works.

Y/n, shaking his finger at Kili: Shame. On. You.

[ms-trash-panda]

Elves when reading smut fics about them:

Thranduil

Elrond

Haldir

Legolas

ETA: My Mr. Silverlance

[incorrect-lord-of-the-rings]

Imagine having a perfect morning. Your days are all in order. You have a wonderful routine and a quiet home in a peaceful countryside neighborhood where you're all alone and completely content. Then one day some random person you met a few times as a kid that you vaguely remember comes to your door and he asks about going on a trip across the world. You, someone with extremely insistent relatives who always try to get you to give in to peer pressure, try to politely tell him that you do not want to go on any adventures and then tell him you're busy, thinking that's the end of it.

Then that night you find out as you go to have your dinner that the weird guy you know vaguely from your childhood has come back and thrown a rave at your house with people you've never met before.

That's the beginning of The Hobbit.

[estethell]

Gandalf: What do you want for Christmas?

Thorin: Erebor!

Gandalf: Something simpler that I can really give you?

Thorin: Revenge on those cursed elves who didn't help us during the dragon's attack on Erebor!

Gandalf: How about a pocket-sized emotional support with which to delight in dialogue, which makes you think in moments of stubbornness and which solves all your problems at the right moment?

Thorin: A what?

Gandalf: A Hobbit!

[iliveinthisdeadfandom]

Thranduil: I could never date someone who wasn’t an elf.

Bard:

Thranduil: Shit.

[jasontoddschildbearinghips]

Kili: *braiding Tauriel’s hair*

Bard: Look how cute!

Bard:

Bard: Thranduil-

Thranduil: Touch my hair and I will decapitate you.

[entishramblings]

Tolkien Characters as things my extended family and I have said on our annual five day bender (pt. 1)

Aragorn: Anything that wants my blood bothers me.

Kili: No cousin wants to see their cousin’s friend’s dick and balls!!!

Legolas: You cannot mount the lama. I’m sorry. You cannnot do it.

Boromir: What is that? Your ass peircing??

Denethor: MINECRAFT. THEY ARE SITTING ON THE PORCH BEING CRIMINALS. M I N E C R A F T.

Samwise: Google potatoes.

Fili: And then she had this unwashed asshole and she wanted him to eat her ass because she really wanted him to eat it, but he never did.

Thranduil: I threw shit at my children. White claws. Dirt. Children.

Merry, seeing Pippin pour beer on his foot: That’s alcohol abuse.

Bombur: I’m a big fan of beans.

Bofur: I’ve got a mattress. I can pretend that someone is under me….and on top of me.

Kili: *rushes Fili into his room* I need to tell you about my bagalini addiction. *pulls out 5 different bags* “You can’t tell Thorin!”

Dwalin, looking at Bilbo: He’s a concerning kind of weird.

Gimli: Hey! ASSHOLE! Come join your friends over there. There’s some sort of orgy happening.

Samwise, spraying an insect eating his plants: fuuuuuuccck youuuuuuuuu

Kili: Uncle Thorin poked me in the butthole.

Gimli, to Gandalf: You look like you have been antiqued.

Frodo: I feel like a shriveled up shrimp.

more parts coming soon!