(Quaint music playing, every line hereafter is spoken as if the two participants are very artificial and know they’re in a commercial)
Reaper: (Upset) MAN, JACK.
Soldier 76: What’s wrong Gabriel, (Sweetly) ...my love?
Reaper: Well I just wanna defend some good old fashion PAYLOAD.
Soldier 76: Well, why you so bummed about it?
Reaper: Because gee whiz, Jack. I don’t have any way to defend a payload right now!
Soldier 76: Um, I think you do! What about Bastion™?
Reaper: (Spitting literally everywhere) PFFT, stop joking, Jack! Isn’t that a game?
Soldier 76: (Cutting him off, suddenly serious) Yes.
Reaper: ...How am I supposed to defend a payload on a game?
Soldier 76: I’m not talking about the game, (Suddenly raging) dummy! (Hits him, stock punching sound effect plays)
Soldier 76: ...I’m talkin’ bout Bastion™ ! (Dinging sound)
Reaper: (Cheerfully) How does it work?
Soldier 76: It’s simple! (Mouth movements not lining up with words at all, steadily crescendoing into scream) just log onto defendyourpayload.com/bastion and sign up for the free 30 day trial! Yeah!
Reaper: (Suspicious) This sounds like a commercial...
Reaper: HMM… can I defend unlimited amounts of payload on my tablet, mobile device, computer, and Wii U?
Soldier 76: That’s a weirdly specific set of things, but let me check! (Looks at hand) Yup.
Soldier 76: (Exact same clip repeated) I know!
Reaper: (Manic, forced laughter)
Soldier 76: (etc) I know!
Reaper: (Natural speaking voice) …how much are we getting paid for this thing?
Soldier 76: Eight credits!
Reaper: (Unimpressed) Wow. That’s… (Steadily gets more excited) enough to afford Bastion™’s $6.95 premium membership!
Soldier 76: That means you can (looking at script)defend all the payload you want without riptires, and as soon as they come out in PTR!
Reaper: I know Jack! (Angry) Please stop treating me like a child! (Throws Pachimari)
Soldier 76: I’m sorry, Gabriel. Let’s defend a good payload together. What do you want to defend?
Reaper: We can defend: (Alarmingly racist Japanese pronunciation) Dorado, King’s Row, Eichenwalde, Winston’s laboratory on Watchpoint: Gibraltar! (Speaking naturally) …and Hollywood!
Soldier 76: (Choppily) Gabe, that one or five things you said are all of my favourites! What–but should we first get back to doing Overwatch, first? (Corpses) …can we use that?
Reaper: Yeah, you’re right Jack. (Exaggerated gasp) Since we’re in such a defense mood in this branded, degraded sketch, I’ve got just the map we can play!
Soldier 76: Well then what are we waiting for? For heroes to die?
Reaper: (Shrieking at the top of his lungs) THAT’LL NEVER HAPPEN, JACK!
Submitted by NordInTheLich
