#insomnia rant

[riverrunningblr]

good morning I've officially hit the melancholy stage of this whole Heated Rivalry mass delusion we're all having Happy Tuesday!!

Specifically. I'm thinking about the closet. What it means to be closeted, because of concerns for your safety, or your relationships, or your job prospects

Shane and Ilya could not come out without causing the biggest hullabaloo of all time and I just wish for the version of the world where everyone could just...be Out, as a matter of course, without concern for any negative impact from others' reactions

The version of the world where people can just *exist* as they are the moment, and have that be accepted, without the need to shrink or diminish or otherwise contort oneself out of shape to please other people or to prove oneself worthy of something *that would otherwise be denied to you*

not that everyone needs to put out a "hello internet I'm gay" vlog like millennials did in the 2010s (tho those were honestly a formative part of the culture. Love those guys, doing the Lord's work)

but whether the closet is not being able to come out to your professional sports league because you're secretly in love with your arch-rival, or you're just evading the use of pronouns in a conversation with your boss, it just. Sucks.

Because being queer is an integral part of one's personhood (among many other integral parts of one's personhood!) and to feel that one cannot express that *as and how and to the extent that one might ideally wish to and one's own terms* because of...homophobia and stereotypes and prejudices of other people is just...not cool! Not fun

To be able to both just exist in public, whatever that looks like for you, *and* not be subject to homophobia: the dream. A concept

[trash-monkie]

Rant post;

I can't sleep. If I'm not asleep by 3 am (CST) I'm getting my laptop taken from me. My mother gave my friends mom permission to take my laptop if I'm not asleep. I've been staring at the wall for the post hour, changing my positions. I cannot sleep, my mother is aware I struggle sleeping, she just thinks I'm making excuses. No. I genuinely struggle, taking my laptop won't do anything but make it worse. Because I need music to sleep or I sit there in the dark on the edge of a panic attack/meltdown because I'm hyperaware suddenly, my throat is tight, the darkness has eyes and they're staring at me, and I just can't with the feelings, they're overwhelming and I feel like shutting down.

Rant over, have a nice day/night

[lanadellight]

Clawing my way through this Hamlet essay…. I can barely see clearly everything’s moving and bobbing around and my astigmatism is going crazy but I gotta get this done💔

[ghostofmystery]

Insomnia sucks. Mini vent about it, but like in a comedic way under the cut

What do you mean I stayed up til 4 am and kept waking up falling asleep over an do over?

Now it's almost 2pm and I wake up beside a plate of half eaten tater tots with mayonnaise?

Not a bad combo, I prefer thousand island dressing tho. But like huh???

[myleftpinkytoe]

What if the mental health crisis is because humans weren't built to live like this?

I dont even mean the pandemic, though that certainly doesn't help. I mean the... the distance. The coldness. The long work days in front of a computer or a factory machine with next to no human contact. The neighbours who don't know each others names. The way we move in and out of each others lives as we chase jobs and opportunities across the world to new, lonely cities. Friends and roommates here for a year then gone forever.

What if we're all quietly falling apart, because we just weren't meant to live this way?

Edit: So this has gotten popular and I want to say that, now that it isn't 2am and I'm no longer running on apprx 3 hours sleep (in total over a 48h period), things seem less grim!

I met my friend's puppy! I went to dim sum with my parents! My partner's mom made us homemade dinner roles, and they're her best recipe yet! I chopped wood for my family bc I am Young and Strong and we built an awesome fire! I joined a mental health support group and everyone is really nice! I tried to make biscotti and failed and my dad and I laughed about it for like thirty minutes! Ive started doing d&d with my long-distance friends over discord! Yesterday, my cat cuddled up next to me, took my hand in his lil paws, pulled my hand onto his forehead, and just Held it there for like 5 entire minutes!

I wrote the first part of this post while I was feeling really alone and hopeless, but I just want to reaffirm that, actually, life is hopeful, and although my mental health troubles mean that I can hit some really low lows, I actually do have people around me who love me and care about me, and people who I love and care about in return.

I know that this thing I wrote resonated with a lot of people, some of whom saw themselves in my darkest emotions. I think we've all felt this helplessness at one time or another. But I hope that they know that the darkness isn't all there is. I've struggled with depression my whole life, and I know that sometimes, it can feel like the whole world is terrible and that things will be bad forever, but that feeling is a lie. Even when I was out of money and felt like I was in a hole I would never be able to crawl out of, there was still hope. People I didn't know, who owed me nothing, went out of their way to help me. I recognise that I was lucky in so many ways, but I cannot stress this enough: life is actually lovely. The world is so full of beautiful places and wonderful people, and I'm really glad to be a part of it.

[angelfishofthelord]

i am so tired but im being so brave about it

[zhaliacain]

Huntik Team in Ikea

Dante-

Can survive, he doesn’t overreact in Ikea and even if he gets a bit lost he can normally figure it out eventually. He’s not fantastic at assembling ikea furniture, does he succumb to anger and smashing it up before it’s finished? Typically no but he also has no clue how to put them together and normally needs Zhalia’s help. He only goes to to Ikea for days out with his team, he already has a lot of furniture and he’s picky about his style, plus he has a ton spare in a section of his loft he uses for storage. That being said, when Zhalia moved in and he suddenly had four teenagers frequently destroying his house he had to make some changes. Besides he likes looking at the example rooms as ideas for his guest rooms. Writes every single detail down on the notepad and returns the pencil when he’s done.

Zhalia-

Ikea demon. No one likes going to Ikea with her she’s terrifying. She knows how to pronounce all the names of the furniture and she can navigate without using the arrows on the floor. She knows all about little secret short cuts but it terrifies the team because one minute they are certain she’s in front of them next minutes she’s directly behind them. She may know the route but by no means should the team follow her because she will lead them off the assigned path using short cuts then vanish from view leaving them permanently stranded and lost in the Ikea labyrinth. Same goes for construction, she can build any piece of furniture without using the instructions except she has a nasty habit of when her friends ask for help she gets them over the bit they are stuck on but doesn’t use the instructions, leaving them even more confused about where they are. She only goes to Ikea because she keeps blowing up her apartments and needs to refurbish. She doesn’t see what all the fuss is about. Doesn’t even need the notepad but takes a pencil anyway.

Lok-

Who let this kid in Ikea? He cannot navigate and he needs a toddler leash, the only upside is no matter where he can get to the canteen except that’s no use because they have to keep restarting to go back and find him. He tries out and plays in all of the model rooms, opens every single cupboard, drawer, box and door. He also plays with all the toys and lies in all the beds except that one time he fell asleep for real. There is no such thing as a quick Ikea trip with Lok. He’s actually decent at putting together furniture because it’s basically a big puzzle, however he has been known to fall and break it part way through. He uses the notepads yet always somehow manages to put the wrong number down and tries to return the pencil. One time he forgot to though and felt so guilty he nearly cried so Zhalia took it and said she would return it. She didn’t.

Sophie-

Too classy for Ikea. She judges the room stylistically and doesn’t write down what she wants as she’s going because she might ‘change her mind’ so she normally finishes then wants to go back and write down what’s she’s decided on. She secretly likes the Ikea food but won’t confess to it. Awful at construction, she hogs the instructions because she wants to prove that she can do it and tries to organise out all the pieces and just ends up losing them. Besides Santiago’s not much better. She’s the one stopping Lok from wandering off or trying to follow Zhalia. She brings her own notepad, pencil and tape measure to Ikea.

The twins-

The Ikea I used to go to used to have a small area where people could pay to have their kids watched for an hour whilst they got on with shopping. Den and Harrison are the kind of people why it got closed down. They try out everything, they jump on everything, it is a miracle they haven’t been banned yet. They bring destruction and chaos in their path. They keep sitting down at the desks and asking questions about designing imaginary rooms and arrange the toys all over the place. They are a nightmare. They keep losing their pencils and notepads so have to pick up new ones throughout the route yet somehow comes home with about 50 between them. They spend the entire time begging to visit the canteen because they are starving. Between them, Lok wandering off, trying to keep an eye on Zhalia the Ikea demon and Sophie’s rants Dante’s having to consider retiring from the Foundation completely. Construction wise they are decent, do they follow the letter of the instructions? No. But they get there eventually. Listening to them try to pronounce the names sounds like they are trying to sumon a demon. Possibly Zhalia.

Cherit-

No meant to be out in public yet that’s not the weirdest thing that’s happened in Ikea today.

[silenceandpatiencepining]

I always think it’s super interesting to see accounts that are like, anti-kaylor without being about anything other that. As in, all they do is talk about Kaylor bloggers and why they’re (we’re) delusional, but mostly don’t contribute other content or offer alternative viewpoints.

I think it’s totally valid to disagree with Kaylor theory. There’s stuff that I def don’t “buy” but I almost think of it as fanfiction. What I love so much about fan culture is when and how people expand on the art/source material. They add their own depth and nuance using the original as the starting point. It’s interactive and fluid and layered with personal meaning. But it’s also so varied.

There is so much that gets edited out in creating the final product, there’s backstories and other songs that get cut, things that never get written about, and of course artistic license in expressing things. And on top of that, there’s the fact that there are probably YEARS of time passing from the time something is written about/happens to when we get to listen to the song about it. Or ideas that have been sitting incomplete for a while until just the right inspiration strikes. Then there’s the production time, prior-album tour, other projects, new writing for after the current work, pre-release promo and pr to generate excitement and also provide context, THEN we get it, and then it all starts again. We are so detached from the actual writing of the songs and corresponding events, we can only guess and share, and if we are lucky, Taylor (or any artist really) confirms if something we said is what she originally intended.

But there’s so much we don’t know. And I think it’s good that we don’t know.

I mean, realistically (in my opinion) Taylor is probably writing songs now that we won’t hear until TS9 or 2023, and the songs on Lover were probably written at least 3 years ago if not even longer.

Maybe it’s just because I grew up reading fanfiction but sometimes what I love most about something isn’t what the author created itself, but the value I find in it because of how I relate to it or alter it or interact with it or what I project onto it or the community that forms around it when other people do so similarly.

Even if Kaylor theory isn’t all true, there is still validity in exploring queer-readings of Taylor’s art, or hidden meanings/easter eggs in her social posts or music videos. I think you can also explore pr as a form of performance art. And I think you can create something that’s deeply personal and revealing without it being literal.

Anyway, I just don’t get sometimes why there’s so much negativity towards fans that latch onto other concepts/interpretations that differ from your own.

I really enjoy and believe in Kaylor, but I think it’s fine for other people to be Toes or Haylors or Hiddleswifts even though I don’t agree with them. I just wouldn’t create an entire blog about why they’re wrong. A post here and there about why I don’t agree, sure, but an entire blog. Lol no.