#internalized shame

[fact-anonymous]

For this post: introject or sourced folks can mean factive, fictive, fucktive (faitive/fcktive) and anything else in that umbrella. "You" is "general you".

A lot of plurals are far too comfortable saying "we don't want an introject", "we're trying so hard not to get introjects", "ugh, splitting/forming introjects again", "man, we have too many (insert source here) introjects!"... and it gets even more intense when the sources are real people, villains or abusers, have doubles, divine/mythological figures, personifications (of songs, buildings, countries, institutions, mental illness, etc.), canon-divergent, special interest, or the sources are "problematic" in whatever way is trendy to bully plurals on the internet right now...

I think that's disrespectful at best. Imagine people keep saying, "oh I don't want to be like you" and "I don't want to have you as my roommate" not for your actions, but for your existence. To current/past and future introjects, they may hear, "damn, my headmates hate me and people like me so much."

And at worst, I feel like it may wire your brain to be more unwelcoming of introjects. If you keep walking the same path in the grass, it'll become un-grassed. Shame will more easily spring up at their formation, splitting, and/or walking in... And while feeling shame is valid and thought crimes aren't real, shame can often be a precursor to suppression and other forms of intrasystem mistreatment.

The thing is, introjects are also your headmates. They will join you in this life and body. They're not "invaders" or "last resorts" or "forming/splitting/walking in/etc. to embarrass you for having a crush/special interest/etc.". They're not tools who only exist to comfort you. They're not "making your system look bad". They're not a receptacle for your internalized shame.

They're members of your system. Whether they have a role/purpose or not, they'll likely be with you for the rest of your life. So, please, try to at least respect them as a person and find a way to be okay with their existence. And after that? You can find that they're like everyone else. They can be kind, or cruel. They can be friends, partners, co-workers, family. They're not a bogeyman to be feared.

Edit 4 July 2026: Even if they hold traumas or anything unpleasant, or has a less than palatable personality, or a negative cause of formation, invitation, splitting, arrival, channeling, soulbonding, etc., they shouldn't be singled out for their sourced-ness/introject-ness.

Disclaimer added because I've seen posts talking about how shame is not the only reason they don't want new members particularly sourced folks. They don't necessary want to avoid sourced folks but simply the intense emotional effects of seeing media that resonates deeply with them, or the overwhelming adjustment of new members, or painful traumatic memories, or splitting and dissociation.

Well this post isn't about that. This post warns its readers not to single out sourced members when what you want to avoid is overwhelm, emotional intensity, trauma, splitting, or dissociation.

Because, from our own experience and what we've heard from others, singling them out (intentionally or not) comes across as being ashamed of their existence as an introject or sourced person/being/etc..

No experience is universal. Thank you for reading.

~Mod Reaper [Plain text: Mod Reaper]

[comingaback]

i wonder even after all these years of distancing himself from religion that dennis still prays every single night before he goes to bed. he isn’t sitting at the side of his bed with his palms pressed firmly together and fingers interlocked. but, instead when he’s just laying there, by himself in the silence of the dark he does. as it soothes the fear inside of him, that if he doesn’t wake in the morning his sins are forgiven.

[i-want-to-do-as-the-beetles-do]

Me, age 11: Man, I hope I'm gay, because the idea of marrying a man is horrible but the idea of marrying a woman makes me actually want to get married one day. Too bad I'm probably actually just a straight girl who wants attention. 😔

Me, age 15: Man, I wish I was nonbinary. All the nonbinary people I meet are just the coolest people in the world who I want to be just like, and the idea of people not being able to tell if I was a boy or a girl when they look at me delights me so much. Too bad I'm probably actually just a cis girl who wants attention. 😔

Conclusion: I was a stupid teenager

[cautiouslyviolent]

this might be a long post but it's something very personal to me that I think a lot of my fellow lesbians will relate to

I've struggled with identifying as a lesbian for a long time, and a lot of it has had to do with my lack of involvement in the lesbian community and lack of lesbian/sapphic friendships

As a young teen (13 or so) I readily expressed my sexuality, shouting to anyone that i talked to that "I'm a lesbian!"

But I was met with confused faces, questions like "how do you know? don't you want to figure yourself out and experiment first? well, maybe you just aren't interested in any of the boys at your school?"

I started dressing more masculine, accepting that if I was going to be a lesbian I had to look and dress the way the straight cis-hetero people around me expected me to. This only lead to more ostracization, and a disconnect from how I really wanted to present myself

In high-school, I stopped identifying as a lesbian, started answering questions about my sexuality with a shrug and a flippant comment. I still dressed more masculine than most girls my age, but because I had ingrained a belief in my mind that I wasn't "good enough", "thin enough", or "pretty enough" to be feminine in the eyes of the heteropatriarchy. That my interests weren't "girly enough". That women wouldn't be attracted to me anyway.

I lied to myself and the people around me, "yeah actually I am attracted to men", and "well I want kids eventually so I'll have to marry a man"

By college I was well adapted to pretending to be interested in men, bolstered by the fact almost all of my friends were.

but things changed around the time I turned 19. I read books like stone butch blues, learned what a "femme" was. I took in information greedily, a sense of familiarity and "rightness" began to grow roots in me.

The more I read and interacted with the lesbian community, the more I recognized myself. That the heteropatriarchal concepts of femininity I had been so scared of were not the only ways to express femininity.

I began recognizing myself more and more as I started dressing the way I wished I could have in high-school, feminine in the eyes of lesbians, feminine in the way not recognized by cis hetero people

Now, shortly after I've turned 21, I've made a promise to myself not to turn away from my sexuality or my identity as a femme lesbian because of my own internalized shame or because of external pressure

There's no point in being afraid how I am perceived, because those who truly know and love me will accept me as I am

[fireflysummers]

Question:

Has anybody ever forgiven aziraphale?

Like. I know it's pretty rare for aziraphale to own up to when he's done something wrong and rationalizes away his cognitive dissonance. But that behavior, while encouraged by Crowley, is out of self preservation.

With heaven there is no room to question, but there's also no room to make mistakes. Small ones are met with mockery and derision, not forgiven. Big ones? Whether it means losing his post on earth, or Crowley, or his own life, there is no second chance for aziraphale.

There's no point in apologies. Sure, he'll grovel or lie or fawn, but simply apologizing and telling the truth is just. Not an option.

He's willing to forgive heaven and Gabriel and tenants and Crowley, but cannot imagine that same kindness being extended to him. He was created in a system that reinforced the idea that he should be infinitely patient and understanding, but that he doesn't deserve the same.

And so he's constantly dealing with shame and guilt and grief and regret that stacks and stacks and hasn't had an outlet for 6000 years. Repression of those feelings is mandatory to survive the system, and remain functioning.

This of course is then perpetuated into his relationship with Crowley. He could ask for forgiveness, but he doubts it will be given, not without conditions or atonement. Why not skip to the groveling and do the silly dance? It keeps things vague, less vulnerable. There is safety in ambiguity.

He knows he can't be forgiven, but having that unambiguously confirmed, hearing Crowley tell him so directly?

He would break.

[us3rn0tf0nnd]

i need someone to talk to abt this bc im actually going insane

[executive-dysfunctioned]

ADHD is carrying the weight of every unfinished project, broken promise, and disappointed look as proof that you're fundamentally broken, even though your brain just works differently

[tenderlystrangesymbol]

im really really starting to hate americans and the shame of learning and the ableism that comes with it. i see it everywhere!!! in real life and it gets amplified online. "how do you not know that?" "You're stupid/dumb." i really wish americans were not cruel. but the average american is so cruel!!

I've pointed out to people that "hey maybe you shouldn't say someone is dumb or stupid for not knowing x" and they will double and triple down on it. "well they should know better 🙄" "how can someone be so dumb? 🙄"

ive talked this through with so many people and so many of them refused to change. i wish i could beam kindness into the average american that not everyone knows what you know, and to be kinder.

the average american in real life who need to see this post will never see it.

i genuinely don't know where this culture of shame learning came from. not everyone knows what you know!!!!

ik systemic changes have to happen in order for the average american to drastically change how they view other people but in the mean time be kind!!!!!!!!