Someone I thought I could trust just told me to “stop living in the past” when I mentioned I’m struggling with PTSD from domestic abuse at the moment and I feel completely betrayed by them. They also told me that “it couldn’t have been that bad if you’re still alive”. And I wish I hadn’t frozen in that moment because there’s so much I want them to know.
I hate the idea people have of domestic abusers as normally loving partners who lose control and lash out sometimes, because it’s completely wrong and makes it seem like something so much easier to move on from. My ex never loved me, they just saw me as vulnerable and spent over a year systematically breaking me down physically, sexually and psychologically until I was a shell of a person for no other reason than it made them feel powerful.
I’m alive now because of pure luck – even my domestic violence advisor (whose literal job it is to assess risk levels in domestic abuse) told me after a risk assessment that my ex posed a “very substantial risk of homicide” towards me. I’m alive because I was given a chance to move 350 miles away before breaking up with them knowing they didn’t have access to a car and couldn’t afford public transport over that distance. Even then it took over a year post break up for the harassment to stop.
When we were together my ex strangled me and suffocated me on more than one occasion (which not only feels like you’re going to die in the moment, it also statistically raises the risk of homicide by 750%). They also had a detailed plan of how they were going to kill me including how they wanted to mutilate and dismember my body after – it was obvious they put at a lot of thought into this scenario a lot.
So yeah I an struggling to get out of bed at the moment, but not because I am choosing to be “stuck in the past”, it’s because there was a time when asking for help got me pinned to the wall by neck. I’m struggling to get out the flat because one time I dragged myself across the floor just to sit in my ex’s garden and was physically picked up and thrown back inside while being called stupid and ungrateful. I’m struggling to shower because my ex made me swap humiliating and sadistic sex acts for basic hygiene.
Your body doesn’t forget that because it was in the past. It’s desperately trying to learn everything it can about it so that you can stay safe now. You don’t get to tell yourself to move on just because you survived. Trauma, especially interpersonal trauma from someone you’re physically dependent on, just doesn’t work like that.
