I want my xanax back, how do you function without that.

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I want my xanax back, how do you function without that.
TW SH TW BURNING just burned myself with a cigarette but I wasn't brave enough to turn it off on my own skin even if I deserved that
maybe I fucked up too bad, but I miss when we used to be so close and hang out everyday at your place or mine, now I feel like I am rotten and you would rather be with everybody else but me.
I know you don't like when I say sorry because I suck at showing I mean it. I'll ruminate on what we had knowing I let it wither without noticing, all while I was so scared of breaking it.
I suck so bad I should kms.
Also why keep telling me I'm gonna fail, I know, you make it sound like I have to change from one day to another.
I feel so fucking ugly, I wanna scrab my face off right now.
btw she was the proof for me that I can be loved.
btw I wish that everyone that I love would hate me because I know that I am fucked in the head, I wish they would pull away before truly seeing me. I don't wanna be loved for who I am.
sometimes I stop feeling numb and suddenly it gets so bad and I am 17 and addicted to xanax again and I feel so free and awfull that I might just act on the thought