THE KNOWN RISKS
joel miller x f!pregnant reader
part 2! part 1 is here-> part 1
masterlist
Summary: When jackson is thriving, growing and improving, it shouldn’t be a surprise to you when contagious conditions embrace you too. But it does. And it scares the shit out of you.
tags/includes 🏷️: pregnancy, jackson joel, dina & ellie relationship, agegap (joel is 56, reader is 34), angst, domestic joel, arguments, mention of sarah and childloss, not proofread sorry
—
It didn’t take long for you to start showing. It happened pretty early on in your pregnancy, Dr. Lilah told you that she believed you to be five weeks along when you found out and now you’re 14 weeks, starting your second trimester. Your pregnant stomach was protruding even in jackets now thought it confused you, you remember Maria around this stage with her first baby and you don’t remember it being this noticeable.
You were thrilled, of course but there was a less thrilling part that came with you showing this much. The stares. You and Joel already deal with your fair share of staring when you’re out together in Jackson, hand in hand, that’s the most amount of affection the two of you are comfortable with in public yet people act like you’re doing a lot worse. You get it, you and Joel have a significant age difference and it’s shocking for some people that Joel is even still capable of getting you pregnant at this age.
You’re walking through the snow, your boots cracking down on the ice beneath your feet. It’s icier out than usual but you don’t pay it much mind. You hold on tight to the canned goods you’re carrying, hoping to trade it in for some wood. You asked Joel pretty early on if he would mind making the crib himself, you wanted it to be special even though he could have just searched a house for it or probably found one in Jackson. He agreed of course and now you were hoping to get on that.
You walked yourself all the way towards the construction zone of Jackson, where most of the stores were hardware stores and construction gear stores. There was an open area, similar to a market where wood was treated and sold. To no one’s surprise,Tommy was already there working on some project for Jackson. He was at the work bench using some of the tools you could rent if you didn’t want to trade or work for them when he saw you approaching.
“Hey Tommy,” you smiled weakly with a short wave as he set down his tool and removed his glasses.
“Hey…what’re you doin’ out here?” He furrows his brows and looks you up and down before approaching you quickly for some reason.
“Need some wood, thought I could trade in these cans for it. We’re uh—well Joel is gonna start on the crib soon,” you pointed to your stomach as if it wasn’t obvious the crib was for the baby.
He was still looking at you like you were a flower about to be stepped on, you raise a brow when he didn’t reply and just came over next to you.
“Joel know you’re out here like this?” He questioned while pulling off his gloves and you narrowed your brows.
“No, he’s still asleep—what do you mean “like this”?” You cocked your head to the side as he reached for your hand and put the other on your side, turning you around carefully.
“You don’t see all this ice out here? I didn’t even let Maria come out today, we’re still tryna remove it all. Hell—Ellie and Jessie threw a fit when Dina tried to step out,” he shooks his head while guiding you the other way back towards your house.
“I have Joel’s work boots on, it’ll be fine—“
“Nah, Joel’ll kill me if he knew I saw you out here and didn’t take you back home. You could slip real bad out here…let Joel handle the wood situation, alright?” He huffs while stepping carefully, a little dramatically in your eyes but you went with it.
“I don’t see the big deal, I’ve been walking real careful. I just wanted to help,” you groaned and turned down the street to your house.
“I know you do but you’ve got a husband for a reason, don’t ‘ya?” He chuckles and you grant him half a smile.
“Yes I do. A husband who deserves a break sometimes—“
“You ask him if he needs a break? I doubt he does,” he shakes his head and helps you up the steps one by one.
“Well—“ before you can even reply the front door swings wide open and Joel is standing there, half dressed but fully pissed off.
Both you and Tommy stop, don’t even make it to the door. Tommy slides his hand to the back of his neck and clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth.
“Looks like you’re in trouble,” he mutters and you roll your eyes at him before he goes on about his business and turns around.
“Thanks for bringing her back, Tommy.” He grumbles, Tommy waves his hand in response before getting the hell out of there.
Joel’s eyes never leave you once. His nose id all crinkled up and his brows are pulled together focused on you. You stand there with your bag still over your shoulder and he steps towards you, grabbing your hand and taking you back inside while snatching something off the door. When you’re both inside, he turns around and without saying a word shows you the poster he grabbed off the door.
“It’ll be icy out for the next few days, best stay inside unless necessary. Will update when we’ve got it all taken care of-Jackson Council”
You read the poster even though you already read it when they first put it up yesterday morning while you and Joel were headed out. Your breath hitches and Joel lowered it when he saw that you were done. His flannel is still unbuttoned from being half dressed, he doesn’t have his usual undershirt on, instead his chest is bare like he threw his clothes on and ran downstairs. His works pants are on that he clearly grabbed in a rush to find you.
“I…I just wanted to help,” you spoke first, breaking the ice between the two of you as he stares.
“You don’t need you to help. You’re already doing enough,” he groans and rubs his hand over his face.
“I haven’t done anything. You renovated the baby’s room, you added in another bathroom, you go out on patrols day in and out to scavenge stuff for the baby and I—“
“And you are growing our baby…keepin’ em safe in there is a part of that. You’re doing that twenty four seven, sweets,” he cuts off and sighs with his hands falling to his hips.
“I…just wanted to help.” You mumbled, chewing the inside of your cheek now as you grow more frustrated.
“I know that, baby but what I want is for you to focus just on this. I can handle every else, okay?” He places a gentle hand to your bump and it takes you a minute before you agree with a head nod.
“Christ, you scared me this morning…glad yall’re okay,” he whispers while stepped forward and sliding his hands around you instead
“Didn’t mean to scare you,” you whispered while hugging him back, you could feel his heart racing against your chest.
His hair was still messy like he’d just woken up snd thrown his clothes on when Tommy brought you back. His heart racing against your chest still made you sad, he held onto you for a minute before letting you go and rubbing a hand over his face again.
“Just—just, sit down for a minute, alright?” He gestures towards the couch and you go and do just that, plopping down.
“I didn’t mean to scare you, Joel. You’re just…you’re doing a lot for us, you come to bed late from working on the house and patrols for us…I wanted to help out with getting the wood,” you said to him and he sits down on the couch next to you and turns you towards him as he pulls your legs up onto his lap.
“I’m supposed to be doing a lot. That’s my job, baby,” he chuckles softly and removes his work boots off you.
“Took my boots too, huh?” He grins and you suddenly feel a little embarrassed.
“Thought it would help…walking on the ice and everything,” you replied and he just grunted in response.
His hands started rubbing your feet, you’d been complaining about how sore they were with them steadily getting swollen here and there. Joel’s hands were slightly shaking as he rubbed your feet and you’d didn’t notice it at first but when you did, your heart dropped. You could see the way he was slightly frowning, his heart was probably still racing and there was a crease in the space between his brows.
“Joel…?” You called out and this time he just sighed loudly in response.
“Was so fuckin’ scared…I thought something bad happened. Thought you fell out there and—“
“Hey hey hey…I’m okay. We’re okay,” you climbed onto his lap and disregarded the foot massage to reassure him.
You grabbed his hand and placed it on your bump, hoping the feel of it would reassure him more than you could with words. You kissed his temple as he kept his hand on your bump and your heart began to race this time. You felt absolutely terrible, you didn’t think it was possible for you to be the reason he was terrified but it clearly was. He whispered something else as you held him but you couldn’t quite hear it.
“I don’t…I don’t want you liftin’ a finger alright? Need you here, where you’re safe…I wanna do things right this time,” he insisted and you can hear the way his voice cracks. “I won’t fuck this up again, I can’t. I need ya safe…both ‘a you,” he whispers and you can hear the way he’s struggling with the idea of you doing anything but that.
“Joel…” you breathed out and slid your hands down to cup his jaw. “What happened to Sarah wasn’t your fault. You know that, right?” You gulped, it wasn’t very often that you spoke about Sarah but when you did, it was only if it felt necessary.
He looked up at you, eyes heavy with the millions of terrible things he thought happened to you when he woke up this morning and you were nowhere to be found. He doesn’t answer you but he doesn’t need to, you’ll keep telling him that as much as you have to.
“I won’t do that again…’m sorry. I just know how tired you are, I didn’t want to feel so useless anymore.” You whispered to him and that snapped his head up.
“Useless? Sweetheart, look at you,” he gestured towards your growing stomach and you nodded like you knew already but it didn’t change how you felt.
“You been takin’ good care ‘a me for years…just let me take care of you. I’m not denying that I’m tired, I’m denying that it’s not worth it…every ache, every yawn, every bit of soreness…’ts all worth it. I promise,” he explains with his head tilted up, you nod your head with a weak smile and he sighs with relief.
“Let’s get you up to bed, know your feet’re killin’ ya,” he says before standing up with you scooped up in his arms to which you let out a little yelp.
“Joel your back!”
“Quiet. I ain’t that old, I can still carry ya up the stairs,” he remarks sharply and you keep your hands over his neck with a little laugh as he does exactly that.
“ ‘sides, my back won’t kill me but the heart attack you give me will,” he jokes and you roll your eyes at that but still feel a bit of jerking around at your heart.
He carries you up the stairs and takes you into the bedroom where he sets you down and starts taking off your jacket. A part of you thinks he just enjoys doing this in general, which you can’t blame him for because you love undressing him too. He reaches for your jeans, the ones that are actually his and starts unbuttoning them, you lift yourself up a bit and holding onto his shoulder to steady you as he pulls them down and off you.
He gets your shirt off next, you lift your arms for him and even though he tries to hide he, he loves how heavy your tits are getting already. He glances at them for half a second before turning around and grabbing one of his shirts from the closet, already knowing how much you preferred sleeping in his shirts and puts it on you.
“You’re not gonna lay with me?” You questioned when it didn’t look like he was going to undress next.
“Gotta go on patrol in an hour…I’ll be back before dinner,” he kissed your temple and you frowned a little but got into bed for his own sake.
“Be back soon. Stay here,” he whispers once you’re all under the covers.
“Be safe,” you whispered back and he kissed you for that.
He kisses you tenderly before turning around and leaving quietly.
He always liked to get there early, spend some time with his horse and go over the routes a final time before actually heading out.
—
Dinner rolled around and Joel still wasn’t back yet. You were sitting at the table with a bowl of chili and rice in front of you, waiting for his return. The bowl was no longer steaming and you refused to eat with Joel, despite your aching hunger.
As much as you wanted to grab your coat and head out there yourself to see what was taking so long, you couldn’t. And as time went on you grew progressively more nervous, you settled your hand over your bump as you waited for him but it provided no comfort for you.
It wasn’t until night had already fallen that Joel came in, boots dripping with snow, hair damp and his nose a little red with his cheeks. He took his boots off first and then placed them outside before turning to you while slipping off his jacket.
“Fuck—you didn’t eat? Ya didn’t have to wait for me, baby,” he shook his head as he hung up his coat and made his way over to you.
“I like eating dinner with you. We always eat dinner together,” you replied blankly and his eyes winced at that before he leaned over and kissed your temple.
“Shit, ‘m sorry. I was looking for one of those baby carriers, like the one you saw in that magazine I brought back last week. I got some books too, found ‘em at one of the houses I cleared,” he grunted as he sat down across from you and you just nodded slowly.
“Food looks good—the hell?!” Joel’s eyes flash open when he looks across the table and sees you bursting into tears, cradling your face with your hands as you sob silently.
He sits there for a minute too stunned to move but after he snaps out of it, he’s up and crouching down by you in the chair. He’s wiping your tears with his rough and calloused hands while directing your face towards him.
“This is stupid,” you sniffled and wiped your face with your sleeve, scoffing at how emotional you’d gotten in mere seconds.
“What’s stupid? What’s goin’ on baby?” He questions while rubbing his hand against your cheek.
“I’m so hungry…but I wanted to wait for you to come back so I didn’t eat and now…I’m starving,” you complained while sniffling and he dropped his hand down to rub over your thigh.
“I don’t know why I’m crying! Fuck!” You exclaimed and kept wiping your face roughly.
“Hormones, baby. Our little fighter in there is determined to make you cry over anything, ‘m afraid,” he explains while gesturing towards your stomach and you exhaled loudly.
“Come on, let’s get some food in ya,” he rubs your thigh a final time before standing up and going back to his seat.
You start picking at your food, scooping up some of the chili in rice while doing your best to fight the tears because you’re quite literally in the process of eating. After a few minutes you’re finally settled and feeling embarrassed by your outburst that made no sense at all, Joel doesn’t seem to mind though he continues scarfing down your cooking like usual.
“Better?”
“Better.” You agreed with a head nod and he let out a low chuckle.
“Don’t laugh at me!” You snapped playfully and he did his best to conceal his grin.
“You’re the one who did this to me,” you mumbled before taking another spoonful.
“I don’t reckon you recall being the one who always asks me to finish inside when ‘m close, do ya?” He reminded and you gasped softly while shaking your head.
“You have no shame, Mr. Miller.”
“Neither do you, Mrs. Miller,” he jokes back and you both looked up smiling at each other like idiots.
You continue you dinner together and once you’ve calmed down fully he tells you about the things he found. He managed to find some pregnancy books for you two to read and the reason that he was late is because he went out a little farther than usual to check out another house in search of the baby carrier you wanted. After dinner was done, he took care of the dishes despite you saying you could. He told you to go wash up for bed while he cleaned up downstairs so that’s what you did.
You slipped into one of his big red tee’s, a little faded at the edges from age but you loved it. He was in the shower by the time you were in your bedroom and you couldn’t help but look at your bump in the full length mirror by the door. You observed yourself and your changing body, soon enough you’d need to find a bigger bra and maybe some maternity pants too. A part of you wished it was summer so you could just put on a dress and call it a day but it was much too cold for that.
You got into bed and just sat there waiting, you couldn’t sleep without Joel’s arms around you. When he was finally done showering, he came back in dressed in a plain white shirt and plaid pajama pants, grinning a little when he saw you just laying there.
“Waitin’ for me?” He hums and you nodded, he flicked the light off and crawled into bed with you.
“I missed you today,” you whispered when his arms draped over you from behind with one hand on your stomach.
“Missed you too…’specially after damn near giving me a heart attack this mornin’,” he grumbles with a gentle rub over your stomach.
“I said I was sorry Joel.” You reminded and he just laughed.
“I know…just don’t go doin’ that again. I don’t know what I’d do if you fell or somethin’ like that,” he insisted and you nodded in agreement.
“Well soon it feels like I won’t be able to even get out of bed on my own,” you huffed in annoyance and slightly turned over onto your back.
“Hell’s that supposed to mean?”
“Look at me Joel! I’m only fourteen weeks…I’m showing more than Dina and Maria and they’re both farther along than me…I’m gonna be looking nine months pregnant sooner than later,” you informed with annoyance in your voice and he furrowed his brows.
“What’s wrong with that? I think you look beautiful,” he muttered and you just shook your head slow.
“I…I see how people look at us Joel. I dunno, I thought I’d have more time to enjoy the secrecy of the pregnancy before I had to deal with the staring,” you confessed and he sat him a little bit and stopped rubbing his hand over you.
“You are an adult and so am I. Fuck ‘em if this bothers them that much. I’m happy about this baby…’ts the greatest thing that could happen to me at this age,”
“Don’t make me cry, Miller. I won’t forgive you,” you shake your head and he laughs at that before leaning over and kissing your cheek.
“Can’t believe I’m gonna be a father again…greatest fuckin’ gift you could give me,” he continues rubbing his rough and calloused hands over your growing bump. "Whaddya think is in there? I think we got ourselves a princess on the way," he imagines and it would be a lie t say you hadn't thought about it.
"I dunno...was thinkin' a cowboy might be whats makin' me swell up so much. Maria told me that if I carry low it's a boy and if I'm carrying high it's a girl...don't think we can tell just yet though," you answered and he nodded.
He pulled you a bit closer to him, his arms fitting around you perfectly as he took comfort in the warmth of your bodies this close together. It didn't take long for you to doze off but per usual, you stirred awake every so often at the sound of him talking to your little prince or princess. You didn't know what he talked to them about and you never asked, the sound of his whispers was soothing enough to keep you asleep. You felt he was owed that privacy, especially with how cute you found it.
—
It'd been a week or so since your little "ice skating" stunt and you hadn't left the house since. They'd clear up the ice three days ago and left notices that it was safe for people to come out now but you were still sitting on the porch with a hot cup of tea, watching people go by. A few days ago you tried to pick up knitting but it didn't go to well so now you were back to drawing. You were sketching when you heard the wood of the stairs creak, you looked up and saw Tommy grinning.
"My big brother still got you on house arrest?" Tommy chuckles and pulled his gloves off while coming over to sit next to you.
"Well...kinda. I just don't want to worry him...we talked about it and I don't want him to worry more than he needs to so house arrest it is," you shrugged and set down your pencil.
"That's real kind of you...I know he probably don't say it enough but you're a mighty good woman. Feel like he thinks he's walkin' on eggshells the way he talks about getting everything ready for the baby," he nods his head after sitting down next to you.
"What about you? You ready to be an Uncle again?" you teased and he let out a heavy exhale.
" 'course. Can't help thinkin' about all these birthday's that'll be close together now," he laughed and rubbed the back of his aching neck.
"Oh I'm sure Joel is lookin' forward to that," you remarked sarcastically and Tommy joined you in laughing.
"So uh...Joel's still out on patrol, right? He'll be back in the hour?" Tommy changes the subject with a tone you don't necessarily favor on him.
"Mhm...is something up?"
"No...no, just send tell Joel to come speak to me at The Tipsy Bison, alright?" he stands up, letting out a forced exhale when he's on his feet and you nodded.
"Enjoy your house arrest," he gives you a friendly pat on the shoulder before taking off and leaving you to return to your drawings.
When Joel came around, you sent him to The Tipsy Bison even though you would have much rather preferred spending your alone time with him. Either way, it seemed important so he was off, promising not to take longer than necessary. Typically, your dynamic called for Joel making dinner and you preparing breakfast but now that you had so much time at home, you got started on dinner while he was out.
What you thought would take an hour at most turned into two. By two hours and a half, the platers were set, dinner was finished and you were hungry. Time was creeping towards three hours and you just couldn't take it anymore, you grabbed your coat from the closet and put on Joel's boots, not your own (for safety of course). You gulped as you opened the front door, all the ice had been cleared by the last thing you wanted was to jinx yourself.
You stepped out onto the porch and shut the door, when you went down the steps you took it one by one with your hand firm on the railing. The Tipsy Bison was a ten minute walk that you turned into damn near half an hour with how slow you were moving. You hadn't been scared to fall before but now that Joel had mentioned it, it became a new fear of yours.
It started to snow while you were out, you didn't move any faster but sometimes you did just pause and stand there. You looked around, hoping to find someone you recognize and ask for a hand but you never did. All you found were people who'd been giving you dirty looks for months now. You put your hand up on the buildings you walked by and your other hand around your bump, just incase you did fall you were hoping your arm would break the fall.
When you reached The Tipsy Bison, you realized that this is why the streets looked so empty out. It was packed as ever. You shook off the snow at the door and did your best to keep enough distance that people wouldn't bump into you while scanning the room for Joel. You looked to the bar and found him seemingly arguing with Tommy, they were going back and forth in a way you'd never seen before.
You wiped off the boots on the mat before walking towards them at a somewhat normal pace.
"One job Tommy. You had one damn job!" Joel rubs his hand over his face in distress and you flinch a little at the sheer anger in his voice.
Before Tommy replies, his expression drops when his eyes settle on you. Joel's back is facing you but Tommy can see you approaching behind Joel. He curses under his breath and Joel slowly turns around to find you walking towards him with your hand protectively over your stomach. Joel's hardened gaze falters at the sight of you, his pregnant worried wife, coming right towards him.
"Everything alright here?" you questioned, slightly out of breath from your trip here.
"Fuck—yes...'m sorry, didn't even know it was dark out. I'll take you home—" he starts scramibling to gather his things, taking his coat off the back of the chair at the bar and putting it on without even glancing at Tommy.
"If it's important, I can wait—"
"No. You shouldn't have had to come out here f'me anywhere...we're done, let's go home," he assures you, moving rather quickly to get you out.
He doesn't say anything else to Tommy, not even a "goodbye" and that's how you know somethings wrong. He takes your hand in his and shuffles you out of the bar, making sure no one bumps into you like they had before. Once you're out, you decide to wait until you make it back home to ask him what really happened.
"Dinners cold but I can heat it up," you told him once you we're outside, he's scanning the snow all over the pavement and his hand squeezes yours.
He's frozen, doesn't move anything but his head as he looks around at all the snow making the pavement slick. You turn your head when you realize he's not moving and you give his hand a squeeze.
"It's okay...I got here without any problems," you tried reassuring him but your words didn't mean much to someone who'd lost so many people through accidents.
You could see him fighting the urge to offer to carry you. You knew the nature of Sarah's death, you can't even imagine how hard picking you up right now might be for him but you see it all over his face.
"Come on...we'll go slow," you give his arm a gentle tug before stepping out because you know if you don't move, neither will he.
It takes you a while to get back home but when you do, you can see the relief washing all over his face as you make it inside. He glances over your shoulder and see's the table all set for you both, his jaw clenches as you reach at his shoulders.
"I'm sorry...fuck I'm so sorry," he murmurs and you just shake your head with a soft smile as you begin removing his coat for him.
"What happened...? I saw you two arguing," you turned and hung his coat up then did yours.
Before answering he had you sit down on the couch so he could take your his boots off, he untied them with a sigh and that only made you more nervous.
"I don't want to worry you," he mentioned and if anything that only worried you more.
"Tell me." you insisted firmly, trying not to look too nervous at whatever he might say.
He gets both boots off, sets them down before running his hand back over his hair. He looks tired but not just from patrol or the hard years he's endured but rather whatever he and Tommy were arguing about.
"You remember Dr. Smith?" he clasps his hands together and keeps his gaze off you, staring at the floor instead.
"Our OB? Yeah, of course,"
"She...wanted to check out a hospital 'bout thirty miles out, lookin' for some more supplies since more people are havin' babies and uh...Tommy let her go even though we'd never searched that area before. He sent her out with a group of six, she and two other's didn't come back," he ripped off the bandaid thinking it would hurt less to hear but it didn't.
You put a hand over your stomach, you couldn't even blink. Dr. Smith was the only doctor in Jackson whose specialty was obstetrics. She helped bring in more babies than you could count and you had anticipated on being next. Joel says something else but you don't even hear him, you're so utterly terrified that you're frozen in fear for what this means for you. There are other doctors, sure, but none of them specialized in obstetrics. Dr. Smith had been training a few other doctors but it wasn't the same, she had thirty years of obstetrics under her belt.
He doesn't even have to say what it means, you already know. And you don't like what you know, it scares you. He reaches over, holding your hand and rubbing his thumb back and forth over the top of it. You can't even gather the strength to form words, he's talking to you but you're not replying. You pull your legs up a bit and scoot over, rubbing your head against his chest. Like clockwork, his arm falls over you and he grabs the blanket hanging off the armrest to put over you without question. You keep your hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat calms you as much as being this close to him does.
You grab his hand and put it on your growing stomach, you trust him more than anything but right now you need to feel protected. There was no one more protective over you than Joel and he gave you exactly that, rubbing his handover your bump and peppering kisses on the top of your head. A scared as you were, you felt a little better knowing you weren't alone and that Joel was just as nervous about this as you.
