#jaymifangirl

[authorgeek]

Listening to the Hamilton soundtrack for the 1781st time and man...Hercules Mulligan is still an EARTHQUAKE personified.

[existai]

Hi! WCIF the hair on your cute girl in the cheetah print hat and denim shorts? She's STUNNING. <3 Thank you so much!

rosario hair  you’re welcome :”) 💕

[authorgeek]

100% Only staying if Cards Against Humanity buys Tumblr TBH. I will HAVE to delete my account otherwise. I don’t want to do that. Sorry, just letting you know now, if that site buys this one I cannot stay.

[authorgeek]

WOAH! There are 100 of you!?

So, I’ve been highly active, and scouring the site for Sims 4 CC like a maniac, and didn’t even realize I’ve reached 100 followers! I never thought anyone but myself was gonna see this blog, given I made it as a place to store things that help me through a bad day. @jakoso, @swaggin--dragon, @waywardskychaser, @etheriumart, @leavesandstars, - and the rest of you i’d of course love to tag, but cannot...THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for being there when I need you. You have no idea how important you all are to me. Our family is little, but I hope it grows and more people like us find their way to this safe space. I hope we all continue to laugh here for a long time to come. I love you guys.  

[authorgeek]

It is 2:30am and I am still awake because this is the only time it is peaceful enough to write. ⭐️💙🌙

[authorgeek]

New Years Eve 2019

As 2019 arrives, I hope it brings peace, joy, and above all, gentleness.

Perhaps we’re all stuck in a rock tumbler. I’ve felt like the world has been - thrashed. Thrashed is a good word for it. Thrown, scrubbed raw, scraped, abrasive, sloughed.

But, this means polished, smooth, soft, shining. Polished stones, of all different colors, shapes, and sparkling sizes are still treasures. No matter how different they are from each other.

In this next year, I hope we can remember to treat each other, and Earth our home as beautiful precious stones. Made whole in our diversity and uniqueness. Call me idealist, but I’m going to keep trying my best to live in love and be the source of gentleness I so long for in this world.

[authorgeek]

Guilty Pleasures

I guilt trip myself so, so easily.

Reading for pleasure? Painting more flowers or pretty things in my sketchbook because I want to?

Playing Sims, Stardew Valley, and Animal Crossing because they’re fun?

Resting, watching kids movies and animated films because they bring me comfort?

It’s unheard of. I can’t do it without the voices in the back of my head screaming at me. “You’re wasting your time”. “You have chores”. “You’re being lazy”. “This isn’t productive.”

“This isn’t a valuable or productive use of my energy right now, and if I can focus on this - I can put that basket of laundry away.”

No. Actually, no! I’m learning that this is a form of self hate. And these voices in my head are not my own, but learned and collected from growing up under a lot of pressure to set aside pleasure and fun and rest for productivity and success and things that are “valuable” and “important”.

I value rest. I value fun. I value spending time enjoying myself. And it doesn’t take away from the fact that I am a hard worker. I am driven. I am determined to be successful, through being happy. My success isn’t going to look like the “traditional” model and the version of the dream we’ve all been fed. I can never fit into that box and I don’t think I’d want it if i could. It’s too narrow minded.

So Yes, Animal Crossing is very important. Because if I’ve stopped and let myself sit for a while and do nothing but collect shells and water flowers? It means I’ve allowed myself to enjoy something. To rest. I’ve allowed myself to drop the never ending pressure to “Make Something” of myself. I am me. I don’t need to make myself any more than that. Next step, do so without all the internalized shame.

From now on, I refuse to accept that self hatred and the harmful cycle of guilt every time my time could be “better” spent elsewhere. Time enjoyed is never wasted. I’m having fun. Why does that anger everyone so much? Why, every time, do others feel the need to look down upon it? What about me taking care of and enjoying myself is so against the rules? Why is it worse when I do it without shame?

I’ve figured out what works for me. I worked hard up front to allow myself time to take a break. I’d appreciate if it wasn’t treated like a waste - and instead - respected for the self-care it is. Not just for me, but like - can we extend that to everyone??? Please???

Thanks.

[authorgeek]

Diary Entry? Sorry for the long post.

So, this year has been extra hard for me and my family. My chronic illness has been kicking my ass and we lost my grandmother. Literally, this spring break I wasn’t sure I was gonna get out of the hospital in time for her funeral. I did, and thank God have been relatively, tentatively stable. Being away at uni has been my shelter from everything going on back home. Home is actually only 3hrs away by car, but that is just enough distance that I could largely focus on my own health, my schoolwork, and my friends and nothing else needed to matter. My friends and family are my everything. Grandma was, well a source of strain on my family. She was controlling and manipulative, and had a mean streak. She was as stubborn as everyone else in my family. “We’re vikings, we have stubbornness issues.”- HTTYD. She wasn’t my favorite person. She wasn’t her children’s favorite person. Yet, she has always been there. She was such an integral part of our lives and...now I go home tomorrow, and will no longer have my safety net of distance from my wonderful, strong, crazy, over worked and stretched thin, grieving family. I’m gonna finally be forced to process it all. Full in the face. Will it be good for me? Yes. Does it scare the ever living shit out of me? Of course it does. 

I love my parents and my sisters. They are my built-in best friends, closest mentors and teachers, and we all constantly drop everything for each other. We live in a hot, tiny house where my 14yr old sister and I share a room, and I get a personally close look at all her teenage angst. My mom is the strongest women I have ever met and my Dad the most hardworking man. We get by together, we’ve fought back storms, demons, armies, and dragons our whole lives as a family and we’re not about to stop now. I’m just, nervous. I like my Independence. I like my distance and personal space. I love my friends here. My friends know and accept my Demi-bisexuality. I’m not actually out to my family yet. I love my safety net. Tomorrow begins 3 months back in the thick of it. 3 months without my agenda, things, friends, wants, stuff, because everything is always our stuff. Does that make sense? We are close, we depend on each other, but each of us individually is dissolved into the mix. There’s no privacy, there is such little room to be your own person, because the collective of us will always win. I have full respect for that, and in order to survive together, sometimes that’s the way it has to be. That’s all ok...but I like me and mine and myself that is not theirs too, and I’m gonna miss her, because she has to sit still and look pretty for a while. I know this probably sounds horribly selfish/rambly. I just hope it makes sense. Now, it is time to start packing my things away. I love you all. Wish me luck as I dive back into my wonderful family’s crazy life.