#jerkbrain

[sparklemaia]

[elthedeuro]

Hi, I'm 39 years old, and I had a panic attack before hosting a party today because I tripped a circuit breaker and didn't know how to flip it back on.

I own my house. I've lived here for 14 years. But I haven't had to deal with circuit breakers for years, and the switches are in the basement, and the basement scares me, and I couldn't find a flashlight... you get the idea.

I know this is something you can Google, but I was freaking out and couldn't think straight. I took an Ativan, then texted a friend, who reminded me that I have a flashlight on my phone, then walked me through all the steps I need to do to fix it, cheerleading me the whole way. It sucked, but I got it fixed!

The moral of this story? Don't be afraid to look stupid. Ask for help when you need it. And don't feel bad for not knowing how to adult properly. Every adult I know feels like they're faking it pretty much all the time.

[tariqk]

me: I found a pleasurable thing to do

brain: awesome

me: I guess moderation is key, so

brain: I'M GONNA CLING ON THIS LIKE A LIMPET AND SUCK OUT ALL THE SEROTONIN OUT OF IT UNTIL IT'S DRIED UP

me: but what will happen after you've sucked it dry?

brain: anxiety time

me: but isn't that a bad idea—

brain: (turns the crank on the Anxiety Machine™)

me:

brain: ANXIETY. TIME.

[clatterbane]

Honestly, I keep having the feeling that I'm pretty much constantly skating on the edge of people close to me getting totally fed up with dealing with me. In a fun combo PTSD feeding directly into OCD scrupulosity sort of way.

That doesn't play well with disability stuff. At all. Certainly makes even asking for any type of help harder.

But, at least I did manage it with two appointments in a row, knowing full well that I wouldn't be able to go without some support. Still shaky right now, but I managed.

[squareroot-1]

Brain: I maybe found a psych need that maybe can't be met by close people I have. Clearly this means I am terrible and disloyal.

Me: where did I even get this and also I already have a bunch of these so, what??

[brassikarts]

Ah, that feeling of dread when you draw something and you get partway through and think... well, I’m not Michaelangelo so why bother?

[chooserecovery]

OK, so I don't know if I have depression or not. Because, honestly, I can have great days. Sometimes, great weeks! But, normally, I find myself constantly degrading myself and believing that no one cares. Even though I KNOW my friends and family care (in my head), it just doesn't feel like that, in my heart. You know what I mean? Almost like I'm trying to convince myself that nobody cares about me?? But I'm being resistant about it at the same time? Sorry, it probably doesn't make any sense!

Don’t worry, friend, you make perfect sense! I think that a lot of people who have either worked on or followed this blog can relate to what you just described.

Buckle up, kids, this got way longer than I expected it to.

I know that I’ve been saying this in basically everything that I’ve answered since we re-opened the askbox, but it remains true: we can’t give you a diagnosis, we aren’t professionals, etc., but regardless of your diagnosis or whether you have one, your feelings matter and deserve to be acknowledged. So, I can’t tell you whether or not you have depression. But I can say that, regardless of what might be causing it, having your brain tell you things like “people don’t care about you” even when you understand that they do is a crappy situation. For what it’s worth, it’s a fairly common one, so at the very least you aren’t alone in what you’re feeling. A lot of us have been there before.

Specifically talking about not feeling like people care, sometimes this can come from a sort of miscommunication between people; you express care one way while they express it another, and as a result you don’t pick up on things that they’re doing that help you to feel that love for you rather than just being aware of it. CRew trivia fact: it took Bree over a year before she finally accepted that I actually cared about her because she expresses affection VERY LOUDLY whereas I usually express it by occasionally sending jokes that make me think of someone and irritating them when they’re upset so that they have something else to think about. This did not effectively communicate that I cared about her, apparently, and I was very confused when she asked why I didn’t like her after we had been friends for several months. So if it’s possible that this type of affection mismatch is going on, it may help to try to look for different ways other people might be expressing their care for you that you may not initially pick up on. Reading about the “languages of love,” though sometimes very cheesy, can give you some ideas for different ways that people might be trying to tell you that they care that you might not immediately think of.

However, sometimes this is just because brains are jerks. It happens. And when not feeling like people care is paired with you brain saying just generally mean things about you, it’s probably a case of jerk-brain. And there are different views on how to handle that. I’d recommend trying to take notice of what sets off jerk-brain thoughts to give you a better idea of what needs to be addressed.

Personally, I noticed that my negative thoughts were just a reflex; I would make small mistakes, and across time my brain had upped its response from “this sucks” to “everything sucks and it’s all my fault, why do I ruin everything.” I think we can all agree that is a slight overreaction to making dinner too salty. Because it was just a reflex that wasn’t really connected to what was happening, I’d contradict my brain when I caught it doing The Thing and have it a new phrase to use instead. After a while, that became the new reflex. I had to go through a few not useful phrases in the middle, but I managed to go from “I hate myself” to “what would improve this situation?” which let me start to address things rather than going to my Mope Cave and hiding my terrible self from the world.

Some people, though, notice that their thoughts are at least somewhat connected to the situation. If it only happens in fairly specific situations, it may help to see if there’s something else behind that feeling. Is it only triggered when you feel like other people will notice something about the situation? Does it only happen around certain people? Does it only happen when you’re already having a bad day, or under pressure? If it happens because of specific circumstances, there’s probably another issue there that needs to be addressed. If it happens because of other stress or pressures, it may help to take more time for self-care and making sure that you have enough space to get done everything that you need to get done, or to start reducing your responsibilities so you have some room to breathe.

If it happens in more general circumstances, it may help to get in the habit of trying to ground yourself when you notice your brain wandering of down the self-loathing trail. A former CRew member has recently fallen in love with the 54321 method where you basically pick a sense and list things that fall under it. E.g. 5 things you hear, 4 things you see, 3 things you can feel, etc. Alternately, do 5 for each sense, then 4 for each sense and so on. This both forces your attention onto the present moment and also occupies your thoughts by making you organize your senses into a list, count things, etc. Personally, I like to start watching my breathing and  the physical sensations that pop up in my body. But there are a million and one things that have the same effects, just experiment with things and find out what works best for you. A few suggestions can be found here.

All of that being said, try not to keep all of this in your head. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to people, you can try writing it out in a journal (physical or digital, whatever works for you)  or something similar that helps you express everything. A lot of people find that jerk-brain words lose a lot of their power once you’ve gotten them outside your head. For some people, it’s a lot easier to disagree with words on a page than with words in their mind. However, if you do feel okay with talking to people, I would highly recommend it. This serves the double-purpose of getting stuff out and also giving you a chance to connect with people and feel a little bit less alone. It’s really easy to feel isolated when jerk-brains are running rampant, and having a friend or family member there to support you when you need it can make a mountain of difference.

If you made it through the whole answer, I’m sorry for eating up so much of your time.

If you’re just looking for the TL;DR: try to find things to make your jerk-brain chill. and remember that you’re not alone.

Take your time, take care of yourself, and figure out how to kick these thoughts’ asses. I’m rooting for you.

–Luke

[alicetheowl]

Distinct dreams

I don't usually dream in distinct images, and I've never dreamed a logical narrative. My dreams tend to be a jumble of random images. When I do have distinct dreams, they stay with me. So, I'm a writer. Except that I go through long periods of dormancy with no word ouput. Life and my jerkbrain get in the way. One of my characters is morally gray. He has no moral compass of his own, but chooses to do good because it's the easier path to his goals. He knows full well he could kill everyone in his way, but he doesn't feel like cleaning up all that blood. I've tooled around with the stories he appears in, tweaking his character and others in the cast and figuring out the best way to get him across. The story has several hundred variations, and it's sort of how I measure my writing progress. There was a period in time where I hadn't written a word in years. I hadn't even thought about writing except as a thing I used to do. Then one night, that character appeared to me in a dream. He told me, calmly and with utter sincerity, that he could make me very, very sorry if I never finished his story. He had to know how it ended. The next day, I wrote an entire chapter, and I finished a novel draft in months. I still think about that dream sometimes. I haven't dreamed about him, or any of my other characters, since. I hope I never do.